Tag: procrastination

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Procrastination Graduation

At least once a month, I get an email from someone saying they’re procrastinating…and need to stop.

I need to act! Go! Start it! Do it! Finish it! Get it handled!

So infuriating, they know they want or need to complete something, and yet, nada.

Twenty years ago right now, this month, I was very pregnant with my son (turned out, he was born on the 4th of July).

I was also in graduate school.

I had taken all the courses, tests, the oral statistics exam (scary), written all my papers, read all the books, completed all class projects.

But I hadn’t finished my master’s thesis.

All my classmates got to walk through graduation, without me.

One of my favorite classmates and friends had his graduation party at my house (it was awesome) since I myself couldn’t have one!

Up to that point, even though I wasn’t graduating with all my friends and colleagues, I never had the thought that I was procrastinating by putting off writing that huge document. The thesis had to be accompanied by a very thorough “Action Research Project” where I would investigate an organization or a company, and help decide what blocks or problems existed there among staff, management, and systems and THEN help them make changes.

And write about the whole thing when it was over.

Since I was kinda nauseated at the beginning of that year of graduate school, I had made a clear decision to wait until next year to do this huge project. It could take 10 months to complete.

But then…the next year came, and I had a newborn, then a three month old, then 10 months…

I didn’t exactly feel like going out to businesses, dressing up in business clothes, and asking them if I could do a graduate thesis project on their company.

You only have five years to complete your whole entire master’s thesis when you’re getting a master’s degree. Students getting a PhD, a doctorate, have ten years.

Sounds like a lot of time, right?

There’s actually a term for almost-finished advanced degrees, which you may know If you’re part of that world: ABT.

All But Thesis.

Since my dad was a professor, I heard the term.

But I wasn’t too worried.

My son turned one, I started working part time as an editor. I could work at home. I didn’t go back to my old regular job.

I’ll do it pretty soon. I got this.

And then….I got pregnant again.

Now, I only had two years to finish this thesis. I had spent thousands of dollars on the tuition and gone through all that previous work.

It was now, or never.

I couldn’t live with never. I knew I would deeply regret it.

But I needed help, because the project was long, big and looming. The clock was ticking. I couldn’t put it off any longer, I wouldn’t even be ABLE to do it with a second baby.

I wish I had The Work back then…it would have been so helpful with the thoughts I had about contacting organizations, going to work in the one that said “yes”, interviewing all the staff, consulting with managers and leaders, and writing an 8 chapter thesis about the outcome.

This will be hard, this is scary, this is difficult, I don’t have time, I’d rather do something else, I want zero responsibilities, this sucks, I shouldn’t have gotten pregnant during grad school, I should have done it differently, I should stay home with my baby, I think I’ll go get some coffee.

When I look back at that time, I see that because the end result was so dang important to me (and failure seemed so terrible), the fear of not graduating after all the work I had already done was awful.

I asked for help.

Once again, the key to success….noticing that on my own, with my anxious, busy, reactive thoughts…

Nothing happened.

But one phone call to several people who really cared about me: my mom, one of my sisters, a close friend….

….was all it took to get off the ground.

They helped me focus on what I was thinking was “hard”, and see what we could put in place to make it easy.

I can look back on it now and call it the Turnaround Project.

*Childcare—I asked friends and one of my sisters, and they gladly volunteered

*Quiet writing time—I went to the library, I scheduled Saturdays from 2-5 pm for writing in my bedroom while my husband took our son out

*Creating and running two staff retreats for the organization I was working for—my mom’s big beautiful house

*Fear I was doing it wrong—meetings with my professors, phone calls to check in with them

The project was huge, and so worth it.

I finished, I published the thesis, it was a gigantic accomplishment.

I walked across the stage, graduating three years later than most of my friends from when we started grad school.

I didn’t know one single other student graduating that day with me.

But I walked, with my brand new baby in a sling across my shoulder (my daughter had been born two weeks before).

Tears began to well up and fall down my cheeks as I received my diploma, as I looked into the audience where my mom, my husband, my two-year old son, sisters, and a few friends sat clapping for me.

If you have a big project…or maybe even a little one…that you know you’d love to complete, or feel desperate to complete…

…you don’t HAVE to, of course.

But write down why you hate the project, what’s hard about it, what sucks, what feels burdensome…

….and question it.

Is it true? Are you sure?

Are you sure you want it to be super easy, not a burden, not something rigorous and demanding?

If you lived the turnaround, that it is NOT hard or impossible, that it does NOT suck, that it’s NOT a burden, that it’s a blessing, it’s completely possible, exciting, and you don’t even WANT it to be easy…

….who would you be?

“I never have the sense that anything I haven’t done is undone. I see the things that don’t get done as things that need a different timing; I and the world are better off without them, for now….

This life doesn’t belong to me. The voice says ‘Do the dishes’—okay. I don’t know what it’s for, I just do it. If I don’t follow the order, that’s all right, too. But this is a game about where life will take me when I do follow. There’s nothing more exciting to say yes to such a wild thing. I don’t have anything to lose. I can afford to be a fool.” ~ Byron Katie

That thing you’re procrastinating about today?

List your objections to doing it, see if they are true.

Ask for help. Let it go.

Graduate from your crushing thinking.

I noticed that yelling at myself to do something doesn’t work, so try something different for a change.

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I Must, Should, Ought To, Have To, Will!

I must, I have to, I needa, I should, I will, I ought to, I shall…..

These kinds of thoughts enter the mind in an instant and will repeat themselves in a light way, or an intense pushy way, constantly.

You’re in great pain, feeling sick because you’ve done what you said you would never do: buy, spend, drink, eat, watch, lust, obsess, contact, chase, grab, surf.

Maybe you’re physically sick because you’re practically killing yourself with substance abuse…and this is that moment where you’re very aware that this is happening and how much it hurts.

I must quit, I have to quit, I need to control myself, I ought to stop. 

Or, on a slightly lighter note, maybe you’re experiencing a transition like a relationship break-up, a job change, a new housemate.

I have to hurry, I need to work hard, I must change this situation immediately, I will change it, I ought to stay vigilant.

Or, even on a very teensy subtle flicker of a note, you flash on a desire for change.

I should get a new car, I must get that adjusted, I have to finish this today, I ought to be more organized.

Two weeks ago, I looked at the little space between my refrigerator and the wall of my house. I can stretch my hand into that space, my palm touching the white wall, the back of my hand almost touching the fridge. On the other side of this wall is the outside of the house.

My palm feels the damp. There is pealing paint. The rain pours down and obviously there’s a leak up above. Maybe a big leak.

I think “Dang, I MUST figure this out. I need to call someone. I need to find a roof/leak specialist. ASAP!”

Then I walk away, and a few days go by and I forget about it.

I know, I know. It could be really serious, or expensive, and a hassle.

I called someone last year for the same problem, and they came and fixed something on the roof, and my husband paid him some cash, and we thought it was handled.

But something calls for looking again.

It’s the same with our leaking beliefs, right?

Here comes the awareness that something needs attention. I feel pain in the form of worry, stress, sadness, fear, anxiety, irritation.

I say “I really HAVE to do something about this.”

But that thought, in itself, sometimes fosters stress. The pushiness, the demand, the command, the attack, the screaming.

Like you’re yelling at yourself to do it.

You might find, if you don’t like to be yelled at, that you procrastinate, forget about it, dismiss it, or say “I’ll look into that later, when I damn well please, it’s not that freakin’ serious, jeezus.”

If you have a thought that you HAVE to do something, and then right on the heels of this a turning away from that thought, you may want to take a look.

Are you sure you have to?

No, of course not.

I am free to move or not in that direction. I can drag this out, I can stop now, I can ask for help. What’s inevitable?

But without this thought I might never do anything! Never achieve anything! Never try to get safe or secure! Never keep the eyes on the prize!

Without this thought that I MUST do something, my roof will cave in and the wall will keel over, exposing my kitchen to the outside air.

Really?

You’ve already had the thought that you should do something, though. Maybe for years. Is it working to have it? All that yelling, or reasonable well-meaning encouragement, or instructions to the self….how do you react when you believe these thoughts?

Annoyed, depressed, sad, like a failure. Sometimes, suicidal.

What if you didn’t have that thought that you MUST do something, think differently, change something, move differently, take action?

What if you felt different about the idea of doing it…like it wasn’t a big dang hassle, it’s just an idea?

(I just paused this Grace Note, wrote the email to my good friend who does remodeling stuff on houses to ask about who he knows who is a roofing specialist. Done.)

That’s what happens without the thought. Without the heaviness of should, must, will, have to, ought to, never-let-up, never-forget, push it, oh-what-a-bummer.

Something moves that has nothing to do with should/should not.

“It’s just a thought. What are you without the thought? Nothing. Not vulnerable, not invulnerable.” ~ Adyashanti 

I turn the thought all the way around: I do not have to, there is no must, there is no should, I don’t need, I don’t know, there is no ought. 

If I simply relax, slow it all down, stop doing anything for a minute and follow the simple directions…oh look. Do that next. Call for help. Write an email. Walk over there. Get dressed. Breathe. Be quiet. Go to sleep.

There are simple directions…have you noticed? You can follow them. With ease.

“When you follow the simple way of it, you notice that reality holds all the wisdom you’ll ever need. You don’t need any wisdom of your own. Plans are unnecessary. Reality always shows you what comes next, in a clearer, kinder, more efficient way than you could possibly discover for yourself.” ~ Byron Katie

“I” MUST wake up now, is it true?

Hee hee.

Much love, Grace