Tag: passivity

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Are you becoming a doormat by doing The Work?

Who cares, do nothing, give up, say nothing....if you think doing The Work means being passive....you might want to question it.
Who cares, do nothing, give up, say nothing….if you think doing The Work means being passive….you might want to question it.

I have a private monthly group (open again for new members in fall 2016) that meets on Sundays for 3 hours. We met this past weekend here at Goldilocks Cottage.

A member of the group brought up a brilliant and powerful question about The Work and inquiry. It’s not the first time I’ve heard it.

What if I become OK with everything, nothing bothers me, and I wind up becoming incredibly…..passive?

Like, I don’t mind anything that happens?

And it looks like me not speaking up, me never saying “no”, people doing whatever they want even if it’s taking my stuff or walking all over me, me not caring about things that I actually SHOULD be caring about, me quitting things, me not taking action, me nevertrying to achieve anything?

Ha ha, I love this question.

Over a decade ago, when I first was doing The Work after I attended The School with Byron Katie, I was dating and going through a divorce.

The very first guy I dated in my new single life was a super interesting character, like so many humans are.

Only a few dates into the experience of getting to know him, I was writing worksheets. The worksheets continued, even though we actually didn’t see each other that much and mostly had some long phone conversations with long gaps in between. It felt like a push-pull, on-off, go-stop, mixed-feeling relationship, fairly confusing.

I found a lot of disturbing traits in this man, and I wrote about them and took them through the inquiry process.

One weekend I was at an event with Byron Katie (I had the good fortune to attend quite a few in a condensed period of time back then).

I raised my hand.

“Katie….I keep doing The Work on this same very annoying man in my life and our conversations and interactions….but I’m not getting past my irritation. I feel sooooo angry.”

We had a discussion about repetitive work, motive, trying to “get” somewhere else, pushing oneself into being nice, going against what you really want, mistrusting oneself, not saying “no”, being afraid, trying to manipulate so you don’t get hurt.

Katie describes this aspect of doing The Work as doing it with a MOTIVE. Meaning, you already have planned or mapped out where you want your feeling-state or your answers to bring you. You already have mapped out where you imagine yourself to be, and what would be best for you, for the other, for the world.

I wanted to be easy-going, happy, non-judgmental, smiling, laughing, enjoying the company of this guy I was dating….who I actually didn’t really like that much.

Yes, yes, yes, he was perfectly acceptable as a human being on the planet and could live his life the way he liked (which he reported was full of suffering, depression, anger, addiction and a tremendous amount of anxiety).

Yes, yes, yes I could have (and still have) a sense of compassion for the torture people, like this man, put themselves through by not questioning their thoughts.

But that didn’t mean I had to live with him, as Katie says.

I did not have to be his personal right-hand-woman, or to date him, or to even talk with him if I really didn’t want to.

Katie said to me some powerful words in the conversation we had, that I’ve never forgotten: “Grace, how do you know you’re supposed to be angry? YOU ARE!!”

Oh.

Wow.

You mean…..I’ve not supposed to make myself Not Angry if I am? I’m not supposed to force myself to hang out with someone I don’t find very interesting, or loving, or willing, when that time arrives?

Now, don’t get me wrong.

I had absolutely amazing conversations with this man for awhile. Really curious, truly incredible insights. Deep sharing, practicing saying things out loud that I never did before, hearing things I genuinely needed to hear, noticing how much identity I had all wrapped up in “relationship” and allowing that to be questioned and dissolved.

It’s just that it had a shelf life.

I did The Work on powerful situations and events, like “he shouldn’t like porn” or “he is greedy and terrified with money” and “he shouldn’t criticize me.”

I was stunned and liberated with the turnarounds: I shouldn’t like the “porn” of being mesmerized by thinking about him and his porn, I shouldn’t be addicted to incessantly seeing what I don’t like about him or men or dating or sexuality or couples or breaking up. I shouldn’t be terrified and greedy with money. I shouldn’t criticize him, or myself.

After noticing, deeply, my own anger…..and through Katie’s words finding the deepest permission to allow anger to be alive and present….

….I felt an equally passionate surge of JOY.

I knew to stop torturing him, but most of all to stop torturing myself, with my thoughts, and to be HONEST in my inquiry.

For the first time in my entire life, I broke up with someone rather than withdrawing quietly, or trying to prevent someone else’s anger towards me, or trying to make sure someone else wasn’t hurt by me, or trying to maintain the desperate and false image of All-Kindness-All-The-Time (not).

This was TRUE kindness to everyone involved.

Especially me, and I was the most important person I needed to live with and enjoy and love.

The Work is about accessing the next thought, the next underlying philosophy about life and how you think you “should” be, and dropping what you know that creates suffering.

The Work is about questioning what you see on the surface, and then discovering there’s something else the next layer down, and then another layer, and another, and another.

Sinking deeper and ever deeper into inquiry is like having a huge sense of awareness, for me, of making friends with myself and following the breadcrumbs to the most juicy, delicious, mysterious, exciting, safe and loving center.

Fire is a part of All This.

Trying to fight fire with The Work can give you a nasty, bitter taste of pointlessness, despair, non-action, depression, waiting, joylessness, suppression.

Of course, I had to have the motive I had for as long as I had it, until I noticed it clearly.

And then, when I saw it….poof, it disappeared.

“The mark of a moderate man is freedom from his own ideas. Tolerant like the sky, all-pervading like sunlight, firm like a mountain, supple like a tree in the wind, he has no destination in view and makes use of anything life happens to bring his way. Nothing is impossible for him….” ~ Tao Te Ching #59

I have found doing The Work is never about being passive, or forcing yourself to be quiet, or pleasing, or happy when you aren’t.

It’s the opposite.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Spring Retreat May 13-15 Seattle has a couple of spots left. We have three wonderful days together, with special focus on uncovering your “living turnarounds”….Everyone finds through inquiry the TRUE freedom you want to live, the action you take despite quaking hands and heart-beating with the unknown ahead. This is the alive, awake you that responds to reality with trust….and this includes trust for yourself.

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Is Loving-What-Is Passive?

If I do The Work, and become completely and totally fine with everything, no longer at war with reality….

….what would keep me from lying down on the couch, doing nothing, never planning, not trying, not getting organized, getting little done, never succeeding greatly, or caring about any upcoming activities?

If I love what is, then why bother making a to-do list, or having a goal, or creating plans for a desired outcome?

This is a very interesting question many people have about “loving what is” and what they imagine it might look like.

Could “loving what is” result in Nothing Happening? (Horrors!)

Wouldn’t that be….like….boring, or depressing, or apathetic?

Wouldn’t someone be a new-agey space case if they zoned into loving what is, all the time?

Good question.

And, no.

Notice how the mind will come at “loving what is” from every angle, just to make you doubt the process of inquiry?

I love doing The Work on this very concept….

….that doing The Work would lead to some kind of zombie brainwash, where you never cared or got upset, or made plans.

Who would you be without the belief that allowing everything to be as it is, or even loving what is, will be dangerously lacking in pro-activity or direction, or too passive or nicey-nice?

Who would you be if you really relaxed?

Woah.

I notice the less anxious, the less movement towards thinking about the future, the less focus on whatever terrible thing might happen later, or what terrible thing already happened…

…the more I’m in the sweet spot.

The middle.

Not full steam ahead, not lying on the ground.

Kind of an action, without great effort, without trying to hold back falsely.

“When you move in the Tao, you are always present. Life becomes absolutely simple. In the Tao, it’s easy to see what’s happening in life–it’s unfolding right in front of you. But if you have all kinds of reactions going on inside because you’re involved in the extremes, life seems confusing. That’s because you’re confused, not because life’s confusing….Eventually you will see that in the way of the Tao you’re not going to wake up, see what to do, and then go do it. In the Tao, you are blind, and you have to learn how to be blind.” ~ Michael Singer 

All I know is, the more I do The Work, the more I question what my mind thinks is true and has stories about…

…the less frantic, worried or stressful energy, the fewer detailed plans.

But as Byron Katie says, I still pack my bags if I’m going on a trip, and leave at the appropriate time to get to the airport.

It’s just way more fun doing it.

And if the plane is late, that’s fun too.

Love, Grace

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If You Keep Lying Down, You’ll Drown

Recently a client was telling me about their experience taking EST trainings in the 1980s.

(I took these trainings, too! Twice!)

There was a component at the beginning of the training where a list of agreements were given to all the participants.

Where to put your name badge, compliance around when to leave the room, how the structure of the program will unfold, the consequences of lateness.

The leader said that we would go over these “rules” but no one should agree to them unless they had all their questions answered, and were in total and complete 100% agreement at the core of their being with every rule on the list.

I can’t remember if that’s the exact way they put it, but you get the idea. Don’t agree to a commitment that you could break.

For my client who was looking back at her experience taking EST, that was noooooo problemo. It wasn’t for me either, at the time.

Those are the rules? OK then. I can do that. You got it. If that’s what you need, to get on with this, I have zero objection.

But then the Other People.

Good lord, seriously? Someone else is raising their hand to bring up a point about the stupidity of “having” to wear your name tag in the top right side quadrant of your torso?

Just put your name tag there, you moron, you’re making us all wait forever! I have to go to the bathroom, jeez!

(Internal eyes rolling. This would be over by now if not for all these petty objections, and we could get on with this and get into the actual program).

What I didn’t realize at the time, being one of the youngest, most immature people there, was that it WAS the program.

My strategy was already cemented in place about rules, regulations, control, patience, and waiting.

The most low-key, acceptable way to handle being in an environment where someone else wanted everything to be ordered, smooth, or controlled, where they were telling you what to do, and where someone had lots of expectations….

….was to Just Do It.

I thought of myself as the most patient wait-er. I was calm, collected and not a problem child. I was not selfish, I would be good and helpful.

If I had to wait until the world ended, fine.

Be that way!

Well….that approach has brought on some serious passivity in my life that has felt hopeless, unhappy, despairing and deadly. A kind of giving up.

But the other day, I recognized it as a very, very subtle but tricky little idea that still lived inside of me.

I realized that sometimes, I still believed the opposite of making an effort, pushing, grinding, pressing on, competing and trying to “win”….was to lie down on the floor.

Quit trying. The effort clearly doesn’t work. So give up. Wait for all the dorks to come to their senses. Maybe they’ll approach ME.

Now, before you think you can’t relate and you’re never compliant, or that you try to be a good team member, or are passive at your own expense (feeling superior to others) consider your spiritual path, your inner spiritual life.

I will sit in meditation and wait, since I am now practicing No Effort.

Since Reality, God, Bliss, Enlightenment, Money, Love or Joy do not show up and stick around forever….

….I guess I’ll just accept All This as a big chaotic mess. Kinda bummer. But that’s OK, I’m not complaining. Heh heh.

The awesome thing about doing The Work is that you are SUPPOSED to complain. What a relief. Finally you can go for it.

Time for some investigation!

Is it true that you have to wait? For that thing you want?

Holy Moly! What?!?!

Are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?

Dang.

Pause.

YES! Show me the Money! Show me the Lightening Bolt! Unveil my clouded eyes! My phone isn’t ringing…hello?! (You can bang the phone on the table for extra dramatic effect while shaking your fist at the sky).

OK, but do you absolutely know that YOU have to WAIT? All of you? Your thinking? Your body? Is the silence you hear actually a form of waiting? Are you SURE?

Who would you be if you did not have to wait for what you really want?

Just pretend. If you couldn’t even have that thought, who would you be? What would you say, do, feel right now?

What if you aren’t missing something, or waiting to get to the real meat of the program?

Give it a moment. It’s just a suggestion.

You. Do. Not. Have. To. Wait.

See if it could be as true or truer than the original, stressful thought.

“You find yourself lying on the bottom of the ocean with your face in the sand, and even though all the sand is going up your nose and into your mouth and your eyes and ears, you stand up and you begin walking again. Then the next wave comes and knocks you down. The waves just keep coming, but each time you get knocked down, you stand up and keep walking. After a while, you’ll find that the waves appear to be getting smaller. That’s how karma works. If you keep lying down, you’ll drown.” ~ Pema Chodron

Wow, I do not have to lie down, hold back, reel it in, keep my cards as close to the chest as possible and stay in a hidey hole?

All I know is, right now in this moment, without waiting, a surge of excitement goes through me that’s so thrilling and unexplainable, I feel like Tigger towards the universe.

You know, the very enthusiastic almost annoying tiger in Winnie The Pooh?

JOY!

Turn the thought around again: my thinking has to wait.

Yes, it’s always sure it’s being left behind, or competing, or not given enough, you know? Never quite right. More, around the corner.

Boy, thinking loves to spin a good story.

“Have you ever felt that you really didn’t like being here very much and that you wanted some wonderful eternal experience? That’s what is often thought but not said when the teacher says, “Be here right now.” Inside you are feeling, “I am here, and I don’t like being here. I want to be there, where enlightenment is.”~ Adyashanti

Right here, in this waiting space, this moment with all those people asking all their questions and getting all their needs met…..maybe YOU have question, too?

And if you really don’t, how intriguing all theirs are, how fascinating. Is this moment NOW the wonderful, eternal experience you’ve been waiting for?

It might be.

Check to see.

If it isn’t, write down why not and get to work, don’t wait.

And if you’re ready to get into it with a group, come join us at Breitenbush. The fresh air, the warmth of the hot springs, the fabulous food, the mind getting to answer superb and expansive questions.

You can find your answers.

Get up again, don’t lie down!

Everything is waiting for YOU. Now that’s the ultimate turnaround!

TIGGER BOUNCE!

Much love, Grace