Some time ago, a private group of close friends asked me to come meet with them and guide them through a short training in The Work, so they could support each other in questioning their beliefs.
I was very inspired by their commitment to sincerely look at how to even identify their stressful thinking, much less write it down!
Or say it out loud! Gasp!
They had thoughts like these:
- I just feel awful, nervous, angry, depressed….I don’t know why
- When I go home, I am annoyed with my kids!
- I hate the way I act with those I love
- I don’t know why I can’t stop overeating, or why I don’t exercise like I used to
- My spouse is so tiresome, he talks too much (or too little)
I could see and hear that as they spoke about their upsetting situations of life-with-family, they so quickly felt bad about themselves and their own behaviors, thoughts, or feelings….that they wanted to skip over their judgments or criticisms of the annoying people in their lives.
This can make the inner world feel like a ping-pong ball session….
…I hate that person—I hate myself for hating that person—hating myself is unbearable—but I hate that person—I hate myself for hating that person—hating myself hurts but I’m trying to control it—but I hate that person—I hate myself for hating that person….
You get the idea. BOING BOING BOING.
No solution in sight.
It’s almost like every time the energy of angst, irritation, resistance towards that person appears, it builds up even more.
If you keep going with this kind of inner experience, the weight of it may become so heavy it feels like depression, hopelessness, or apathy.
I loved working with these lovely people, who all knew each other so well, so willing and so full of desire to take a look at their uncomfortable thinking.
Even though they were doing The Work on long-term relationships, those people they had known for their entire lives in some cases (sister, father) I asked them to picture just one situation with that difficult person where the feelings generated were big….and very stressful or painful.
Even though the mind will see many situations, multiple ones if you’ve known the person a long time, where that person was irritating or puzzling….it is very helpful to pick only one.
This is what Byron Katie is talking about when she says to think of one difficult situation, and do The Work on that one.
It narrows down the field.
The mind can be very busy, fast, expansive and all-inclusive.
With one situation in mind, that troubling moment, get it really vivid. Picture the time of day, the location you were in, the sounds and light.
There is that obnoxious or frightening person, doing what they did, saying what they said….and you are holding this “scene” in your mind while you write.
Suddenly, the huge feelings that seemed so confusing, heavy, dark, uncomfortable or foggy may have a thought connected to them.
What do you want, in that situation? What should be happening, that is not happening? What do you need? What should NOT be happening, that IS happening?
In this exercise of identifying what you are thinking, you get to stop criticizing yourself for thinking it.
Yes, the thoughts may be very, very harsh, critical, sour, or full of attack.
This doesn’t mean you are a bad person.
It means you’re a human.
I loved watching the A-Ha moments as the friends working on their stressful situations discovered how to slow the entire process of The Work down and move through inquiry from beginning to end.
Not jumping to turnarounds instantly and slapping themselves in the face emotionally for being so critical and horrible.
But instead opening to understanding their critical stream of thoughts, with compassion.
“There’s a fairy tale about whenever this princess would start to say mean words, toads would come out of her mouth. You begin to feel like that’s what’s happening. Or you’re poisoning yourself with your own mean mindedness. And yet, do you stop? No, you don’t stop, because why? Because you associate it with relief from this feeling. You associate it, basically, with comfort.” Pema Chodron
In self-inquiry, rather than forcing yourself to stop thinking mean thoughts about people you love, you look at them closely.
You give yourself a break.
You give the meannie mind a forum, a voice, for once.
Next time, that bratty, vicious, nasty voice might not have to be so loud. It feels heard.
You’ve given it attention, rather than fighting it all the time.
Life becomes lighter.
Maybe even a huge weight is lifted.
“The enlightened mind is the mind that you can find no valid reason to shut down.The mind is a seeker. It just wants to know what is real and what isn’t. It’s fascinated by itself.” ~ Byron Katie
Let your apparently judgmental mind have its voice, on paper, rather than shutting it down.
You may become fascinated with yourself in the best way possible….with love, affection, attention, and understanding.
Love, Grace