I was looking into the face of a woman I didn’t know extremely well. Her eyes were squinted and very pale and icy blue. Her voice was low but edgy, a little like she was trying to control herself. Her face was slightly red and shaking.
We were sitting in a conference room of an office building. This was a board meeting for a big community non-profit organization. I was the secretary.
“Some people look really good on the outside, but it’s deceptive. The way they look is much better than they actually are….”
She stared viciously towards me. She was clearly saying it to me even though other people were listening.
I almost wanted to look left and right to see if she was looking at someone else nearby…was there someone standing behind me?
There wasn’t.
A huge electrical surge of adrenaline zapped through my whole body, turning my own face red.
Is she saying that I’m a fake? That I appear to be something that I am not?
My heart was pounding.
I knew this had to do with my poor secretarial skills. I wasn’t keeping up on the notes I was supposed to take and transcribe at every meeting. I wasn’t getting them out on time to the rest of the board.
She was upset. An important deadline had come and gone. It was definitely my fault.
But wait, this was an insult.
What a b*%&#!
Later, I was telling one of my best friends about this irritating fellow board member and her rude, paranoid, critical comments, and the way she looked at me.
I hate her. She’s making something that is supposed to be fun, community service into a chore. I HATE her!
Fortunately, my closest friends all know that I love questioning my thinking. My dear friend said “have you done The Work on this?”
Oh. Well. OK.
Is it true that I hate the woman who was upset with me? Is it true that she is ruining my experience? Is it true that she’s making something into a chore, that was supposed to be fun?
Yes. This has gone very badly. She’s too critical. She’s sooo picky. She’s worthy of my hate, my rage, my irritation, my disappointment. She’s embarrassed me in front of other people.
Can I absolutely know that it’s true, though, that I hate her? That she ruined my participation on that board? That she embarrassed me and messed things up?
No. I don’t absolutely know this. When I met her the year before, I instantly liked her. She asked lots of good questions. She cared about the board.
When I first learned that she had no family for Thanksgiving, I thought about inviting her to mine.
How did I react when I believed that thought that she messed everything up…that she insulted me, embarrassed me, criticized me…and was worthy of my hate?
I stopped looking at her, talking with her, connecting with her. I wrote her off. I made any conversation as short as possible from that time forward.
Too scary a person.
So who would I be without the thought that I hated her? Who would I be without the thought that she was a dangerous person who put me down in front of others?
Without the thought that she was a threat?
Oh boy.
Without the thought, I would notice how powerful her words were, that I was affected deeply, that I may not love hanging out with her, but she called me out to be in complete and absolute integrity.
Without the thought that I hated her, my body relaxes. I realize her words are not daggers. Her opinion of me is not actually important. It doesn’t matter if she dislikes me, or thinks of me as a fraud, or irresponsible with my duties.
She’s right! I’m feeling very insecure with my secretarial position! These people are brilliant on this board, and I feel like an idiot half the time.
I turn the thoughts around that I have about this situation, in that moment, with that woman who dared to criticize me in front of other people….
….I love her. She is making something that is supposed to be fun into a very powerful life-changing experience. I love her!
Because after that time, I got crystal clear on my role on that board, I did my duties so that I knew I was doing my best, I cut the fat, I did exactly what I signed up to do, nothing more and nothing less.
I expended my energy exactly where I wanted to. I didn’t try to act nice or say “yes” to something I really was saying “no” to.
“In virtually every situation where you find yourself blaming, attacking or making someone else wrong, there is an unconscious feeling or sensation in the body that is being avoided. Turn gentle, restful, open attention to the sensation and let it float freely without words. Watch it disappear. Then look at the other person and notice it was never about him or her. It was just about avoidance.” ~ Scott Kiloby
After that, I looked without fear at the idea that I might look more together or better than I actually WAS.
Yes. True. Not so terrible.
If she, or anyone, was saying that I am a liar by looking different than I am…well, it’s true.
I think I want to be perceived as great and amazing, but I’m really not. I think I want to be thought of as a genius, or very kind, or loving…but I’m not (just look at my thoughts about that person)! I think I want to be supportive and helpful, but I’m not.
“It was so wonderful when I really understood that I was mediocre. Oh my goodness, what a balance!” ~ Byron Katie
Love, Grace