Only nine days until the Pain, Sickness and Death 6-week teleclass starts on 3/7. If you would love signing up for this class if it started at 5:15 pm Pacific time on Thursdays, instead of 6:15 pm PT, running for 90 minutes, then write me at grace@workwithgrace.com. I ask because I’ve had several inquiries for an earlier time. There’s only room for 3 more participants.
If you’d like to read more about the Pain class, click here.
Physical maladies, trauma, injury or threats produce a great deal of painful thinking in the human experience.
I was working with a sweet client who has had a chronic pain from a back injury for several years.
She said to me “I have so many complaints.” Her discouragement was deep. The list seemed long and overwhelming.
The very definition of “complaint” in Webster’s dictionary is “an expression of grief, pain, or dissatisfaction”. Complaining can happen silently, to oneself, or out in the open to people around us.
Byron Katie offers a great exercise to root out complaining, see its cause, investigate it. She says you can write out a list, just let yourself go nuts, with the prompt “I complain about____ because____.”
Don’t worry about how long the list is or how ridiculous your complaints actually are. There is nothing wrong with this Complaining Voice. You are giving it a voice so that you can look more closely.
- I complain about clutter in my house because it looks ugly, I want it to go away
- I complain about my left leg hurting because I want to stop sitting in that chair and stop working at the computer and I want it to stop hurting
- I complain about my dry skin because I always need lotion to soothe it and I want someone to get me some lotion
- I complain about the dishes being undone because I want someone else to do them
- I complain about those other annoying complainers because they bring me down
In fact, my biggest, most repetitive complaint has been about other people who complain.
Caught in the act!
It is absolutely fascinating to see why I think there is a need to complain, to express grief, pain or dissatisfaction with this situation or person, with what I am hearing.
I want those complainers to shut up! Stop their talking on and on about negativity!
And why do I want it to end? Seriously? What is the actual problem? Why do I think their complaints “bring me down”?
Well…that complaining person wants me, or someone, obviously, to do something about their complaint! They want me to fix their disturbance. They are unhappy. I SHOULD HELP THEM.
Is that true? Are they really unhappy and wanting me to help? Am I as sure, as they are, that they can’t do it themselves?
“You think if you complain enough, something magical is going to happen….Any time you complain, notice what you want us to do. “~Byron Katie
It’s as if I believe that if I say what I don’t like (complain) enough then I will eventually get what I want. Someone will do the dishes, someone will straighten up the house, someone will stop telling me their irritating complaints!
The wonderful Marshall Rosenburg, founder of non-violent communication, suggests that people learn to make direct requests, instead of complain. He says that it works so much better when we recognize that we need something, and then ask for what we need!
Do I really need those complainers to quit complaining? Can I make a specific direct request to someone, can I tell them the truth, can I have a genuine conversation?
I could say something like this; “when you are complaining, I feel sad because I think you want me to fix it, or God to fix it. You sound powerless, instead of the strong person I know you to be. You sound like you won’t ever be happy, and you feel helpless, and I know that’s a hard place to be. I love you.”
And then….they can get excited about what you’ve said, or not.
“When another person suffers, there’s nothing I can do about that, except maybe to put my arms around them or bring them a cup of tea and let them know that I’m totally available. But that’s where it must end. The rest is up to them. And because I made it through, I know that they can do it. I am NOT special.”~Byron Katie
I discovered that the real reason I’ve complained about other people complaining is that I want them to be happy and powerful. Because if they are happy and powerful, then I don’t have to try to help them. I can be free to be happy and powerful myself.
I can only be happy if they are happy, and so I have to try to help them get happy….is it true?
Wow! I can be happy even if other people are complaining? I don’t HAVE to help them? Even someone very close to me?
“She who is centered in the Tao can go where she wishes, without danger. She perceives the universal harmony, even amid great pain, because she has found peace in her heart.”~Tao Te Ching #35
If you’d like to zoom in on your deepest complaints, how to be around pain whether yours or others, and your feelings about the biggie….death….come join the six-week teleclass starting next week.
Love, Grace