I once worked years ago with a woman on a project whose voice really bothered me.
I would hear her speaking to another person, or addressing a meeting where I was present, or talking on her phone, and inside feel like the sound of her voice was like fingers on a chalk board.
Such a squeaky, false, high-pitched, minnie-mouse, fake-syrup voice! Arggh! How can anyone STAND IT! I’m gonna kill myself if I have to listen one more second!
Quite recently, I met someone who had the very same kind of voice. I had a little jolt inside..”oh no, not THAT kind of voice”.
I had to laugh.
Even in that small, tiny moment, encountering someone I might never speak to again, I wanted to NOT hear what I was hearing.
I was against that sound.
That constriction inside the mind or gut that says “no” offers a most amazing opportunity for awareness.
This is what questioning your thinking is all about, really.
Questioning what hurts, what feels uncomfortable, annoying, smelly, disturbing, and IRRITATING AS HELL….and finding out what is going on, what you really think is bad about that thing.
So having the reminder of the woman’s voice from long ago, I went back in time and asked myself what did I believe was wrong with that voice?
- she’s trying to over-compliment people for personal gain
- she’s pretending enthusiasm, happiness, cuteness
- she complains a lot, so she is needy for attention
- she could burn me, betray me or others
- something about her is not genuine, she’s a fake!
I realized once I got into it, that I was believing a whole humongous amount of beliefs that I had absolutely NO idea if they were true.
And what was the danger of her being a fake, or pretending, or winning peoples’ favor?
She might hurt me, when I didn’t expect it.
I was scared about getting stabbed in the back. It had happened before. With someone who looked all sweet and kind, complimentary and inviting on the outside.
Ouch. I suddenly realized that I thought people shouldn’t lie, and people shouldn’t surprise other people (er, that would be ME) with anger, or pain or jealousy or opinions.
Even though I had a small level of stress about a VOICE and what the tone was like….there was a demand present, as there always is when I say “should” or “shouldn’t”.
“I demand you be different than you are.”
This can be just a little bit different, or a LOT different. Doesn’t matter.
So was it really, really true that this woman should be different than she was being? Should her voice really change, so that I could be happier (and trust her more)?
Should she, or anyone else, never do that thing that I call getting surprised, hurt, accused, criticized, snubbed, attacked, pushed away?
No. I can’t know that it’s true.
Am I sure that I was hurt? Am I positive those people who do something surprising should be different than they are, for my sake?
You might say “yes, yes, yes”! You might feel wretchedly hurt by someone. You might have the scars to prove it.
Keep going with your inquiry anyway.
Notice how you react when you believe the thought “that person should be different” whether in the past or the present, or in the future.
It sucks. It’s so painful. You can’t stop thinking about them and wondering what you did wrong and perhaps becoming furious all over again, or very sad.
Who would you be without the thought that they should be different? Ever?
It’s an amazing question.
“…when someone criticizes you, blames you, or calls you names, instead of immediately retaliating or defending yourself—do nothing. Allow the self-image to remain diminished and become alert to what that feels like deep inside you. For a few seconds, it may feel uncomfortable, as if you had shrunk in size. Then you may sense an inner spaciousness that feels intensely alive. You haven’t been diminished at all. In fact, you’ve expanded.” ~Eckhart Tolle
What if that person is supposed to be exactly as they are, or were, in that very moment? This does not mean that what they did was right, or wonderful.
It just means that it’s not about you. They are living their life, being themselves with all their experiences and their beliefs and ways of thinking, and it’s not in your control to have them change.
What is in your control is stepping out of the way, and relaxing, and taking care of yourself, and noticing what’s actually true.
Not demanding that they change so you can feel happier, at peace, or calm.
“The Work reveals that what you think shouldn’t have happened should have happened. It should happened because it did, and no thinking in the world can change it. This doesn’t mean that you condone it or approve of it. It just means that you can see things without resistance and without the confusion of your inner struggle. No one wants their children to get sick, no one wants to be in a car accident; but when these things happen, how can it be helpful to mentally argue with them? We know better than to do that, yet we do it, because we don’t know how to stop.” ~ Byron Katie
The turnarounds for me: I should not be how I am, especially when it comes to how I think about that person’s plastic voice!
I should not be so nervous, worried about being “tricked” again, worried about being lied to or accused falsely.
I myself have been over-complimentary, inauthentic, and a fake, by hiding my true feelings!
I myself have pretended I was happy, when I wasn’t!
That person should be exactly as they are!
Her voice helps me let go, reminds me to relax, to not take things so seriously, that I do not really have a handle on what is or is not true, or dangerous, or in my control in this situation.
I also notice that any time I’ve ever been criticized, or accused, or pushed away, I have been absolutely OK.
In fact, I must admit, I have come out better in the end every timethan before I got surprised, or tricked, or confronted, or attacked or called names.
“Failure is an opportunity. If you blame someone else, there is no end to the blame. Therefore the Master fulfills her own obligations and corrects her own mistakes. She does what she need to do and demands nothing of others.” ~ Tao Te Ching #79
Much Love, Grace