Tag: judge your neighbor worksheet

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The incredibly intense brilliantly loving power of Judging Your Neighbor
We had a fabulous First Friday on Jan 3rd. We’ll be steady on for every month first Friday 7:45am PT until June when we go to 2nd Friday (because I’ll be teaching a retreat with Tom Compton again at Breitenbush June 2-7, 2020).
At First Friday, several people bravely shared honestly and answered the four questions after our opening meditation of writing a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.
We always start with writing the JYN, the important Step One.
A mom who had the thought about her daughter “she’s got addictive behaviors! Oh no!”
A daughter, age 54, who has the thought “my father should leave me be!” every time she talks with her dad on the phone.
A woman thinking she should stop what she’s doing regularly in her life. (Good for the resolution type attitudes going on this time of year).
Every single situation was relatable. Everyone has thoughts that are not unfamiliar, or especially unique. We all have these moments containing these thoughts, or can remember when we once had them all the time.
 
Every time someone does The Work right in front of everyone, it serves everyone who listens. 
 
The starting point is identifying what we think, without editing, without parsing it out, without making it sound better than it actually is.
Someone asked me not long ago to talk about the power of writing the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet. Well, we certainly hear it every First Friday and every group and retreat I offer.
I decided to share the power of Step One with you all not only here, but also on my weekly facebook live inquiry (always on Mondays, always super fun–and I take requests–which means you can write to me any time and ask for me to do The Work on a specific thought you’ve been noticing–and I’ll walk us through this on Monday facebook live).
The power of Judging Your Neighbor is immense….the incredible power of judging and listening to the judging. It reveals what is terrifying, uncomfortable, and often even somewhat hidden. 
Visit my facebook live post here.:  Grace’s facebook live Mondays.

Much love,
Grace
P.S. Things Coming SOON:

  • Divorce/Breaking Up/Separation Is Hell–Is It True?: 8 session online zoom course dissolving the pain of feeling separate from another human being who appears to move away from you. Join Nadine Ferris-France and Grace Bell right here. Sundays at 11:00am PT/ 7:00pm UK. We start January 12th (no class Jan. 19th).
  • Eating Peace Free Online Masterclass Webinar: Five Beliefs to Question to End Eating Battles. Register HERE.
  • Eating Peace Experience Deep Dive Immersion. Read more HERE.
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She might hurt me….

journal
Step One in moving towards peace: Find the situation, and write very honestly about what happened, your beliefs, unedited.

In Year of Inquiry we’re ramping it up this month as we ponder what the worst thing is, what’s threatening, when situations occur we don’t like.

Someone had a great situation yesterday in telegroup.

A person being mean, nasty, disloyal, gossipy, critical.

I could see someone in my mind who I’ve worried about being critical. Could they snap at any moment and call the newspapers and start talking about me and what a bad, imperfect person I am?

What if someone’s scheming to take me down? Even if I can’t find anything wrong I’ve done?

It’s a strange, nervous, anxiety-producing feeling that someone could hurt me for no reason, at any moment. It happens in the movies. It happens in Shakespeare plays.

Betrayal. Shock. Mistaken identity. Stabbed in the back.

If you’ve ever been involved in a situation where someone DID surprise you, even way back in childhood, you might have some lingering waves of uncertainty about humans and what they’re capable of. Maybe a sense of needing to be very careful, walk on eggshells, and make sure you don’t disappoint anyone.

The thing is, it’s really difficult being so careful.

You lose your spontaneity, your sense of joy and relaxation. Maybe you react by staying home, hiding in a sense your true feelings, not expressing what you really think, or feel. Maybe you cut that person off and never talk to them.

The best way I know how to work with this sense of impending doom, or someone reacting to you in a disturbing way, is to go to where it already happened in the past.

Even if you observed it, and you yourself weren’t the target of someone’s anger, upset, hatred or fear.

As the group moved through inquiry on the phone together, I distinctly pictured one person who I could imagine feeling angst, disappointment, anger or sadness with me.

But why? What was my evidence? What is my memory, my situation, where I got wind of the possibility of her not being loyal or supportive or caring for me?

It wasn’t so obvious, because there wasn’t a clear “betrayal” moment. Yet, as I stayed in contemplation about this person from my history, scanning the moments of “proof” for why I might feel cautious of her….

….I could see a fleeting sentence written in email come to mind. A sentence she wrote to me after I told her something she didn’t like hearing–that I didn’t want to talk with her and hash out or process further what had gone on between us. I felt like it was said, and said again, and silence for awhile was the next best step. We could revisit it later, regroup after some time went by.

She said something, in reply to my request for letting things rest awhile, like “sometimes actions you take produce karma you may not like”.

I suddenly realized, in that tiny memory of a sentence written, that I worried it was a threat. I better watch out. I better be nicer. I better say “yes” and not “no”. I’m doing it wrong. She’s disappointed with me. Uh oh.

In that awareness, I see I’ve got my moment, my situation.

Good. I can write down my thoughts, starting with the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet. I can stay very close and connected to my experience of reading words. It’s OK if I don’t even remember exactly what the words said. My thoughts and beliefs are alive and present. My feelings are stressed.

I know what to do with them. The Work.

Much love,

Grace

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What is Happy For YOU?

If you’ve ever done The Work before, you’re familiar with the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet (check out this link HERE to get one right now).

It’s the first part of the work, where you actually identify what stressful thoughts are running in your head, and write them down.

However, there’s a pre-first-step BEFORE this one.

Before you do anything else, in order to narrow the field, weed out the thoughts, and get clearer on the jumble of stressful thinking going on in the mind….

….you bring to mind a stressful situation, a difficult time, a troubling person, a rough encounter.

Since no one has had a really constantly low-key, uneventful, peaceful life…you will remember many stressful situations, maybe hundreds.

But for this very first step? You pick just ONE.

You may have experienced loss, death, frustration at work, unbearable anxiety, a broken heart, an illness, a rough relationship, divorce, physical injury, fear about your kids….

….the list can be long, with many characters and issues and stories ofsomething being stressful.

But the best help in the world you can give yourself for deeply looking at your inner condition and getting yourself off the Stress Roller Coaster is to pick ONE TROUBLING SITUATION.

Even if it leaves out 852 other stressful topics. Just pick one for today.

Then, once you have a vision of that situation, the one that makes you frown, or feel sad, or hurt, or angry when you think about it….you fill out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

Which brings me to the wonderful exploration I love: the fourth question on that Judge Your Neighbor worksheet!

What the heck would really, really, really make me happy, in that agonizing situation?

How would I have liked it to go, instead, if I got everything I needed?

The focus is on what would make YOU happy in this situation.

Not the other person, or other people, involved.

YOU.

Which brings us to the most fascinating exploration of all: what do we mean when we say “happy?”

I recently remembered something Byron Katie mentions from time to time. That we often imagine what we need or want, in difficult situations we’ve experienced, that would make us feel relief, safety.

We know what would make us happy in that difficult situation so that we would feel better.

But we don’t always consider what would make us ecstatic, life-changing, thrilled, joyful, complete, resolved, or truly happy.

I can relate.

Why go for all that wild, crazy unimaginable joy? I just want to feel OK and not so terrified, I’ll take what I can get.

If I could just feel some stress reduction, I’ll be OK. Beyond that I might never get true happiness, I might never achieve it.

I don’t want to dream of true happiness but NOT EVER get it in this situation!

It would be impossible to achieve it anyway! That situation happened in the past, it was terrible, and now its over! Happiness and that experience do not mix!

And yet….

….everyone has experienced a moment of true happiness. Just like the way we all have lived through stressful situations, we’ve lived through very happy ones.

I love remembering the joy of feeling satisfied, accepting, healthy, calm, relaxed, fulfilled, peaceful, trusting, or full of love.

On that question four on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, while you remember a painful situation…it’s wonderful to identify what you believe you really, really need in order to arrive at happiness.

It’s a golden key to discovering what you believe about happiness, and by comparison, see how that situation you’re thinking about didn’t match your idea of happiness.

If you’re having trouble remembering when you have felt full of happiness, watching this clip from one of my favorite all-time movies may inspire you.

Keep going, keep inquiring.

Happiness is present, here and now. Telling a joyful, happy story is possible, even when encountering the “worst” situations.

The moment of Happiness
The moment of Happiness

Much love, Grace