If you’re a member of the Institute for The Work (for people who have attended The School for The Work who go on to regular practice and training) I’m teaching a fabulous five week course called “Basics” starting Monday, Nov. 14th at 4:00 pm. (Two spots left by the way….come join us if you’re in ITW!)
Now, the reason I’m mentioning this here in Grace Notes is because ANYONE can create this “BASIC” approach to doing your own self-inquiry work.
And you WANT to give attention to the simple, basic details of this work….because this is your freedom we’re talking about. Your thoughts and your answers. Your transformation.
This can be especially helpful if you notice you’ve done The Work on the same person about 100 times.
(Not that I’d know anything about this).
So, how do you get back to basics?
The key is slowing waaaaay down when you feel the explosion or sudden hit of emotional stress….and taking out that pen and paper so you can identify what you’re believing and thinking in writing.
The key is to spend deliberately quiet thoughtful time answering the questions on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.
Try it right now if you like.
First of all, here’s a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet. Open it up, so you can see the questions clearly if you don’t have them memorized.
Now, think of an uncomfortable situation. Something that happened with another person where you felt unappreciated, hurt, attacked, misunderstood.
Again, this is the first and deeply important step in doing The Work is what we’re calling the basics: IDENTIFYING what you’re thinking that hurts in the first place.
If you have a situation where you’ve gotten bugged, you’re going to pause and answer these questions, maybe more slowly than you ever have before….rather than full speed ahead in REACTING mode like we always did before we heard of The Work.
I notice reaction all the time, by the way. Something happens or something is said or a tiny transgression appears in my day, a little disappointment….and I feel scared, or sad, or nervous, or worried.
Most of us have this going on….we receive or encounter something, we have contact with another person, and if it’s scary or sad or upsetting, we’ll have feelings buzzing or crashing around inside.
I know sometimes these feelings are like a tornado, sometimes thunder and lightening, sometimes an irritating mosquito. It doesn’t matter the level, though, or the height of the emotion….
….the thing is noticing it, and then thinking “Ah ha! I will write down what I’m thinking right now! This could be interesting!”
(Or, this could save my life).
Doing this first step in The Work is an incredible practice, a habit to get into when encountering something uncomfortable, or devastating. You have something, besides being dragged around by your feelings, to explore with your mind.
Sometimes, what I notice about big strong feelings is, there’s a panic to “do” something, to take action, as soon as possible. Fix it, resolve it, get to safety, figure this problem out.
DO something about the feeling itself.
All that can go on, and the actual behavior you notice yourself doing when you practice The Work is….walking over to the place where you keep paper, or opening up your phone app if you like doing The Work on your device, and holding still a moment so you can “catch” your speeding thoughts on paper.
In this Basics course, I love that we spend primary time on getting the stressful thoughts down….not so much on actually “doing” The Work although we do that too (which is answering the four questions) but concentrating on giving ourselves the freedom and clarity of writing down what the heck we’re thinking that brings on so much stress inside.
So if you’re up for this today, follow along:
The first question is “Who angers, confuses or disappoints you, and why?”
Sometimes, you may be tempted to go off a little on “why” this person angered, confused or disappointed you. Proving what a jerk they were. So go ahead and write a little if you’re moved. But then, bring yourself back to answering the question. You simply want to write, not so you start analyzing yourself or the other person. Not so you can find the “right” answer in your mind. Not so you justify your feelings.
No, if you do that, you could go down a rabbit hole for awhile.
Instead, sit with this question about why you’re so disturbed in this situation: right in that very moment you learned “x” or the person said “y” what were you feeling? Why did you feel it? Because that person ______.
Keep it simple.
What I like to do is write it down and then ask myself….does that really capture it? Is that why I’m upset? Or is there a clearer more striking reason? What’s going on here?
I don’t try to NOT be upset. (I notice it’s too late). I’m not trying to be anything.
I’m simply taking dictation from my thinking, without editing, without judging myself as a bad person, just letting things rip if they are, allowing it all to come alive on paper.
Then, you get to answer the other questions on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.
How do you want that person to change? You can have a hissy fit, a tantrum, and feel like you’re 4 years old screaming your head off.
And let me tell you, it’s way better to do this on paper than directly to the person, which doesn’t always turn out well for anyone, right?
You don’t wind up feeling ashamed, saying things that aren’t really true in the end. You don’t attack and speak violently. You love and support yourself more….and the other person usually, too, by taking this space and time to write down what you’re thinking when you feel emotional pain.
Question three: What advice do you give this other human being, so they improve, or become easier to deal with, or care about you or themselves more….or so the situation becomes fun, relaxed, good (in your opinion)? The answer to this question always starts with “they should/he should/she should” or “they shouldn’t/she shouldn’t/he shouldn’t”.
Yes, we’ve all heard that “shoulding” on people is a drag (or on yourself) but let’s get it out, on the piece of paper, anyway.
This work is about writing down what comes to the stressed out, nervous, upset part of your mind and acknowledging it by writing it down. NOT by quickly trying to push these thoughts away, or to be non-judgmental, or to make yourself be gracious or kind or magnanimous.
No sirree, you get to catch these dark thoughts, the ones full of malice and hurt and pain, right here on the paper. We don’t even care about bringing in philosophies of how you “should” think or act in this type of situation. Instead, you’re writing down what you actually DO think that’s so stressful.
The fourth question on the JYN is “What do you need for this other person to do in order to be happy in this situation?”
It’s one of the best questions for sitting and answering much more slowly than we usually allow ourselves. What do you really, truly, honestly need this other person to do, say, think, feel, act like…..that would change your response to “happy” from “enraged” or “devastated”?
That’s a major question. Sometimes people say to me….what I need them to do is virtually impossible. It could never, ever happen and they will never, ever act that other “better” way.
I say, write it down anyway.
These are YOUR thoughts you’re living with and dealing with. To inquire into them will bring YOU peace of mind, no matter what that other person does in the end.
On the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, you get to then write down two more items: first, call that person every name and quality you see in them. Cuss if you feel like it. She is_____. He is _____. Include all the ways you would describe them, all the words you use. This is your statement of what you see in this other, through your eyes.
It doesn’t mean you’re an awful person, if you write down terrible, mean, ugly, vicious things. This is only a part of the mind at work. It’s the scared, pessimistic, desperate part of your mind, the one that’s interested in YOU and self-preservation. The one that doubts you are supported.
That’s the part we’re working with, in all this inquiry work.
You can keep the trusting, joyful, easy-going parts of yourself. You can keep the faithful parts, your expansive mind, your loving impulses for connection and sharing.
Finally, on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet the very last question six is one I love pondering: “What is it you never, ever want to experience again?”
Don’t you love how the mind will say this big grand statements like whatever answer you come up with to this last question? I don’t EVER, EVER want this to EVER happen again! NEVER!
Like you’re shaking your fist at the universe!
It’s so good to know what some fearful part of you decided in that situation. Because then….you can un-ravel it! You can inquire!
If you don’t question this, that fretting and suspicious part of the mind will focus very intently on avoiding anything that looks like that dreaded situation. You’ll be using tons of energy (at least I sure did) trying to get away from this sort of situation in the future.
Getting these answers very clear, spending time on your own precious thoughts, and the details, the exact way you personally answer the questions….
….is like finding a handful of gold nuggets in a river bed.
Or perhaps even a handful of diamonds. In a cave. Two miles underground.
Each crazy, stressful, ridiculous, immature thought can be taken all on its own through the four questions.
It’s simpler when you do this on paper, one at a time.
I know, I know….everyone wants to do The Work while driving. Me too. Can’t we just do this in our heads while going out to buy milk at the store?
When I do that, I miss significantly important pieces of this work, every single time. (You think?)
If you have a deep, painful issue….Step One is fill out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet very slowly, thoroughly, with simple sentences and DO NOT JUDGE your own thoughts. You don’t have to show them to anyone.
But these thoughts are your ticket to freedom. At least, they have been for me.
From thework.com website: “The Work is a simple yet powerful process of inquiry that teaches you to identify and questionthe thoughts that cause all the suffering in the world. It’s a way to understand what’s hurting you, and to address the cause of your problems with clarity.”
If you’ve had trouble resolving a situation, bring it back to the basics.
Answer the questions, get your pain on paper.
Now, you can do something truly transformational with it: The Work.
Everyone in the Institute for The Work: I’m about to teach Basics, a 5 week pre-requisite for telecourses at the Institute. Enroll quick, we begin on Monday at 4 pm PT. Sign up here.