Behind the projector…our judgments of those neighbors

Everyone in the Institute for The Work: I’m about to teach Basics, a 5 week pre-requisite for telecourses at the Institute. Enroll quick, we begin on Monday at 4 pm PT. Sign up here.

And if you’re not in the Institute for The Work (training to be Certified Facilitator)…..FEAR NOT!

I’ll be offering a two hour course online soon, on filling out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, which is really what this Basics class is all about.

Isn’t this amazing that five whole weeks, 90 minutes each class, is dedicated to deeply learning how to fill out a JYN? It’s only the first, primary step of The Work, but as a first step, it’s so important.

Filling out the JYN is the way you identify your stressful thoughts.

Sometimes, you feel disturbed and awkward filling it out. It’s asking a lot. It’s asking you to be absolutely fundamentally honest about what mean, critical, angry, frightened or sad thoughts you had about a situation in your life.

We’re usually taught to do the very opposite!

I was told Not to say what I was really thinking, to hide my rude comments or judgments, to keep them to myself. When I heard things said about me that sounded judgmental, I was hurt and troubled.

This hurt feeling PROVED you should keep critical or judgey thoughts to yourself. They make people feel bad. Who wants to know what you’re thinking? Not me! I won’t tell you what I really think, either, and we’ll all be happy!

But. Suppressing and hiding thoughts don’t make them go away, unfortunately.

In fact, they often make them fester and grow. They turn into resentments, desperation, and addictive behavior.

So getting your judgements out onto paper, in writing, is a magnificent even if quite scary thing.

But it’s sooooo worth it. Because once you have everything written out in the open, you’ve got some amazing concepts to work with and take through this profound process called The Work.

There’s nothing like writing it down, slowing it down, going through each step one-by-one….not doing The Work in your head or trying to find shortcuts.

So today, if you’re concerned, anxious, furious or hurt by anyone in your life….first step?

Fill out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet and DON’T HOLD BACK. Be blunt, direct, say it like it really is on the inside of your head. Be childish, petty, ridiculous, nasty, vicious. Dump it out. Download it through your pen onto paper.

Be real.

You will NOT get stuck there with a fuming, exploding JYN on your hands, because the next steps are to answer four questions and find turnarounds on each and every concept you write down.

Which leads to insights, ah-ha’s, awareness, possibility, freedom, clarity, rest, peace, neutrality, a lighter experience of something that seemed so very serious:

Imagining who you’d be without this story.

Heaven on earth.

“Through The Work we finally have permission to let those judgments speak out, or even scream out, on paper. We may find that even the most unpleasant thoughts can be met with unconditional love….If you begin by pointing the finger of blame outward, then the focus isn’t on you. You can just let loose and be uncensored. You are the storyteller, the projector of all stories, and the world is the projected image of your thoughts.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

Much love,

Grace

Back to basics: the first step leading to freedom….do it well

hc-cozywinternotebookjynbigsizephotoIf you’re a member of the Institute for The Work (for people who have attended The School for The Work who go on to regular practice and training) I’m teaching a fabulous five week course called “Basics” starting Monday, Nov. 14th at 4:00 pm. (Two spots left by the way….come join us if you’re in ITW!)

Now, the reason I’m mentioning this here in Grace Notes is because ANYONE can create this “BASIC” approach to doing your own self-inquiry work.

And you WANT to give attention to the simple, basic details of this work….because this is your freedom we’re talking about. Your thoughts and your answers. Your transformation.

This can be especially helpful if you notice you’ve done The Work on the same person about 100 times.

(Not that I’d know anything about this).

So, how do you get back to basics?

The key is slowing waaaaay down when you feel the explosion or sudden hit of emotional stress….and taking out that pen and paper so you can identify what you’re believing and thinking in writing.

The key is to spend deliberately quiet thoughtful time answering the questions on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

Try it right now if you like.

First of all, here’s a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet. Open it up, so you can see the questions clearly if you don’t have them memorized.

Now, think of an uncomfortable situation. Something that happened with another person where you felt unappreciated, hurt, attacked, misunderstood.

Again, this is the first and deeply important step in doing The Work is what we’re calling the basics: IDENTIFYING what you’re thinking that hurts in the first place.

If you have a situation where you’ve gotten bugged, you’re going to pause and answer these questions, maybe more slowly than you ever have before….rather than full speed ahead in REACTING mode like we always did before we heard of The Work.

I notice reaction all the time, by the way. Something happens or something is said or a tiny transgression appears in my day, a little disappointment….and I feel scared, or sad, or nervous, or worried.

Most of us have this going on….we receive or encounter something, we have contact with another person, and if it’s scary or sad or upsetting, we’ll have feelings buzzing or crashing around inside.

I know sometimes these feelings are like a tornado, sometimes thunder and lightening, sometimes an irritating mosquito. It doesn’t matter the level, though, or the height of the emotion….

….the thing is noticing it, and then thinking “Ah ha! I will write down what I’m thinking right now! This could be interesting!”

(Or, this could save my life).

Doing this first step in The Work is an incredible practice, a habit to get into when encountering something uncomfortable, or devastating. You have something, besides being dragged around by your feelings, to explore with your mind.

Sometimes, what I notice about big strong feelings is, there’s a panic to “do” something, to take action, as soon as possible. Fix it, resolve it, get to safety, figure this problem out.

DO something about the feeling itself.

All that can go on, and the actual behavior you notice yourself doing when you practice The Work is….walking over to the place where you keep paper, or opening up your phone app if you like doing The Work on your device, and holding still a moment so you can “catch” your speeding thoughts on paper.

In this Basics course, I love that we spend primary time on getting the stressful thoughts down….not so much on actually “doing” The Work although we do that too (which is answering the four questions) but concentrating on giving ourselves the freedom and clarity of writing down what the heck we’re thinking that brings on so much stress inside.

So if you’re up for this today, follow along:

The first question is “Who angers, confuses or disappoints you, and why?”

Sometimes, you may be tempted to go off a little on “why” this person angered, confused or disappointed you. Proving what a jerk they were. So go ahead and write a little if you’re moved. But then, bring yourself back to answering the question. You simply want to write, not so you start analyzing yourself or the other person. Not so you can find the “right” answer in your mind. Not so you justify your feelings.

No, if you do that, you could go down a rabbit hole for awhile.

Instead, sit with this question about why you’re so disturbed in this situation: right in that very moment you learned “x” or the person said “y” what were you feeling? Why did you feel it? Because that person ______.

Keep it simple.

What I like to do is write it down and then ask myself….does that really capture it? Is that why I’m upset? Or is there a clearer more striking reason? What’s going on here?

I don’t try to NOT be upset. (I notice it’s too late). I’m not trying to be anything.

I’m simply taking dictation from my thinking, without editing, without judging myself as a bad person, just letting things rip if they are, allowing it all to come alive on paper.

Then, you get to answer the other questions on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

How do you want that person to change? You can have a hissy fit, a tantrum, and feel like you’re 4 years old screaming your head off.

And let me tell you, it’s way better to do this on paper than directly to the person, which doesn’t always turn out well for anyone, right?

You don’t wind up feeling ashamed, saying things that aren’t really true in the end. You don’t attack and speak violently. You love and support yourself more….and the other person usually, too, by taking this space and time to write down what you’re thinking when you feel emotional pain.

Question three: What advice do you give this other human being, so they improve, or become easier to deal with, or care about you or themselves more….or so the situation becomes fun, relaxed, good (in your opinion)? The answer to this question always starts with “they should/he should/she should” or “they shouldn’t/she shouldn’t/he shouldn’t”.

Yes, we’ve all heard that “shoulding” on people is a drag (or on yourself) but let’s get it out, on the piece of paper, anyway.

This work is about writing down what comes to the stressed out, nervous, upset part of your mind and acknowledging it by writing it down. NOT by quickly trying to push these thoughts away, or to be non-judgmental, or to make yourself be gracious or kind or magnanimous.

No sirree, you get to catch these dark thoughts, the ones full of malice and hurt and pain, right here on the paper. We don’t even care about bringing in philosophies of how you “should” think or act in this type of situation. Instead, you’re writing down what you actually DO think that’s so stressful.

The fourth question on the JYN is “What do you need for this other person to do in order to be happy in this situation?”

It’s one of the best questions for sitting and answering much more slowly than we usually allow ourselves. What do you really, truly, honestly need this other person to do, say, think, feel, act like…..that would change your response to “happy” from “enraged” or “devastated”?

That’s a major question. Sometimes people say to me….what I need them to do is virtually impossible. It could never, ever happen and they will never, ever act that other “better” way.

I say, write it down anyway.

These are YOUR thoughts you’re living with and dealing with. To inquire into them will bring YOU peace of mind, no matter what that other person does in the end.

On the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, you get to then write down two more items: first, call that person every name and quality you see in them. Cuss if you feel like it. She is_____. He is _____. Include all the ways you would describe them, all the words you use. This is your statement of what you see in this other, through your eyes.

It doesn’t mean you’re an awful person, if you write down terrible, mean, ugly, vicious things. This is only a part of the mind at work. It’s the scared, pessimistic, desperate part of your mind, the one that’s interested in YOU and self-preservation. The one that doubts you are supported.

That’s the part we’re working with, in all this inquiry work.

You can keep the trusting, joyful, easy-going parts of yourself. You can keep the faithful parts, your expansive mind, your loving impulses for connection and sharing.

Finally, on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet the very last question six is one I love pondering: “What is it you never, ever want to experience again?”

Don’t you love how the mind will say this big grand statements like whatever answer you come up with to this last question? I don’t EVER, EVER want this to EVER happen again! NEVER!

Like you’re shaking your fist at the universe!

It’s so good to know what some fearful part of you decided in that situation. Because then….you can un-ravel it! You can inquire!

If you don’t question this, that fretting and suspicious part of the mind will focus very intently on avoiding anything that looks like that dreaded situation. You’ll be using tons of energy (at least I sure did) trying to get away from this sort of situation in the future.

Getting these answers very clear, spending time on your own precious thoughts, and the details, the exact way you personally answer the questions….

….is like finding a handful of gold nuggets in a river bed.

Or perhaps even a handful of diamonds. In a cave. Two miles underground.

Each crazy, stressful, ridiculous, immature thought can be taken all on its own through the four questions.

It’s simpler when you do this on paper, one at a time.

I know, I know….everyone wants to do The Work while driving. Me too. Can’t we just do this in our heads while going out to buy milk at the store?

When I do that, I miss significantly important pieces of this work, every single time. (You think?)

If you have a deep, painful issue….Step One is fill out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet very slowly, thoroughly, with simple sentences and DO NOT JUDGE your own thoughts. You don’t have to show them to anyone.

But these thoughts are your ticket to freedom. At least, they have been for me.

From thework.com website: “The Work is a simple yet powerful process of inquiry that teaches you to identify and questionthe thoughts that cause all the suffering in the world. It’s a way to understand what’s hurting you, and to address the cause of your problems with clarity.”

If you’ve had trouble resolving a situation, bring it back to the basics.

Answer the questions, get your pain on paper.

Now, you can do something truly transformational with it: The Work.

Much love,

Grace

Create Your Own Mini Retreat

Room for two more people on Saturday in Seattle’s Mini Retreat, write to me by hitting “reply” to this email if you want to come. 1:30-5:30 pm, worth 4 CEUs.

The process of the doing The Work really is like a guided meditation.

You can do it with yourself, if you’re patient with your own mind.

To have your own mini retreat like the one we’ll be doing in person on Saturday afternoon, set aside at least one hour of quiet time. Get a friend if you can. That will really help you stay on track.

Then follow these steps.

Step One: Think of a situation in which you felt hurt, anxious, angry or sad about someone else. Don’t do it on yourself. Everyone always wants to do it on themselves. But you weren’t born upset with yourself….it came alive through interactions with other people for the most part.

So go outward first, to keep it really simple.

Step Two: Get what you’re thinking, all the awkward, vicious, judgmental, depressing stuff on paper. Don’t edit yourself. You can burn the paper afterwards. The worksheet for doing this is the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet and you can get it atwww.thework.com.

Step Three: Look over everything you’ve written down. All your aggressive, mean, childish, petty, judgmental concepts about that person in that difficult situation.

Pick ONE. Make sure the sentence, this concept, is very simple. If you’re like me and you write long sentences, you may have to break up this concept into two or three very simple, shorter sentences.

For example, you might write: “I am upset because he lied to me about the business transactions and told our secretary that she was going to be fired so she stormed out of the office”. To break this long sentence up, you would write: “he lied to me” and “he told our secretary she was going to be fired” and “she stormed out of the office.”

If you spend time with the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet you will consider on a very deep level WHY this was upsetting for you.

You’ll begin to wonder.

If someone “storms out” what is the trouble with that?

What should or shouldn’t have happened instead? What do you really, really need in that situation to bring you happiness, peace, tranquility, comfort?

Step Four: After you’ve picked only one, simple concept, either answer the questions called The Work in writing….or have someone ask you those questions.

Take it slowly.

Here are the four questions:

1) Is it true?

2) Can you absolutely know that it’s true?

3) How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?

4) Who would you be without the thought, if you couldn’t even have the thought at all?

Step Five: Turn the thought you’ve been questioning around to the opposites. Example: he lied to me becomes a) I lied to him, b) he did NOT lie to me, and c) I lied to myself.

Study all of these. Open yourself to all of them. Open your heart to the flip side of the dual nature of the mind. Truth/Lying, Mean/Kind, Hate/Love.

Enter the world of All Sides. No Absolutes.

We’ll do this, quietly and in silence on Saturday.

But even if you live a long, long way from Seattle….you can have your own mini-retreat. Invite a few people over. Print out Judge Your Neighbor worksheets, and then the Facilitation Guide with the questions of The Work.

You never know what one afternoon meditation session can bring.

“The Work is meditation. It’s about awareness; it’s not about trying to change your mind. Let your mind ask the questions, then contemplate. Take your time, go inside, and wait for the deeper answers to surface.” ~ Byron Katie

If you notice that you’re a thinker….then having this time with that mind full of thoughts is so precious, you may be astonished at what can happen, rather than upset with your speedy analytical mental activity.

Your own brilliance may shine. You may find clarity, your own wisdom, your own answers.

Your life may change, just a little (or a whole lot). Soften, relax, pause, expand.

Sign me up.

Much love, Grace

What is Happy For YOU?

If you’ve ever done The Work before, you’re familiar with the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet (check out this link HERE to get one right now).

It’s the first part of the work, where you actually identify what stressful thoughts are running in your head, and write them down.

However, there’s a pre-first-step BEFORE this one.

Before you do anything else, in order to narrow the field, weed out the thoughts, and get clearer on the jumble of stressful thinking going on in the mind….

….you bring to mind a stressful situation, a difficult time, a troubling person, a rough encounter.

Since no one has had a really constantly low-key, uneventful, peaceful life…you will remember many stressful situations, maybe hundreds.

But for this very first step? You pick just ONE.

You may have experienced loss, death, frustration at work, unbearable anxiety, a broken heart, an illness, a rough relationship, divorce, physical injury, fear about your kids….

….the list can be long, with many characters and issues and stories ofsomething being stressful.

But the best help in the world you can give yourself for deeply looking at your inner condition and getting yourself off the Stress Roller Coaster is to pick ONE TROUBLING SITUATION.

Even if it leaves out 852 other stressful topics. Just pick one for today.

Then, once you have a vision of that situation, the one that makes you frown, or feel sad, or hurt, or angry when you think about it….you fill out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

Which brings me to the wonderful exploration I love: the fourth question on that Judge Your Neighbor worksheet!

What the heck would really, really, really make me happy, in that agonizing situation?

How would I have liked it to go, instead, if I got everything I needed?

The focus is on what would make YOU happy in this situation.

Not the other person, or other people, involved.

YOU.

Which brings us to the most fascinating exploration of all: what do we mean when we say “happy?”

I recently remembered something Byron Katie mentions from time to time. That we often imagine what we need or want, in difficult situations we’ve experienced, that would make us feel relief, safety.

We know what would make us happy in that difficult situation so that we would feel better.

But we don’t always consider what would make us ecstatic, life-changing, thrilled, joyful, complete, resolved, or truly happy.

I can relate.

Why go for all that wild, crazy unimaginable joy? I just want to feel OK and not so terrified, I’ll take what I can get.

If I could just feel some stress reduction, I’ll be OK. Beyond that I might never get true happiness, I might never achieve it.

I don’t want to dream of true happiness but NOT EVER get it in this situation!

It would be impossible to achieve it anyway! That situation happened in the past, it was terrible, and now its over! Happiness and that experience do not mix!

And yet….

….everyone has experienced a moment of true happiness. Just like the way we all have lived through stressful situations, we’ve lived through very happy ones.

I love remembering the joy of feeling satisfied, accepting, healthy, calm, relaxed, fulfilled, peaceful, trusting, or full of love.

On that question four on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, while you remember a painful situation…it’s wonderful to identify what you believe you really, really need in order to arrive at happiness.

It’s a golden key to discovering what you believe about happiness, and by comparison, see how that situation you’re thinking about didn’t match your idea of happiness.

If you’re having trouble remembering when you have felt full of happiness, watching this clip from one of my favorite all-time movies may inspire you.

Keep going, keep inquiring.

Happiness is present, here and now. Telling a joyful, happy story is possible, even when encountering the “worst” situations.

The moment of Happiness
The moment of Happiness

Much love, Grace