Tag: joan tollifson

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Doing The Work On Yourself

A very sincere inquirer contacted me to renew a series of sessions doing The Work recently.

She’s done the School for The Work, she has deep appreciation for and experience in examining her mind using the four questions.

But she had a dilemma, something I’ve heard from others, not just this caring woman.

How do I do The Work on myself?

Because, she said, I “get” that the process of observing my world and feeling upset has to do with stressful thinking….

….but the stressful thoughts inside my mind are all about me, not others.

If you think this from time to time, (or all the time) you are certainly not alone.

“Most of us have been pointing our criticism and judgments at ourselves for years, and it hasn’t solved anything yet…..It is extremely difficult to judge yourself. Some of us are very invested in our identifications; our ideas about ourselves–how we should look, how we should feel, what we should or shouldn’t be doing–are so strong that we may not be able to answer the four questions and do the turnarounds honestly.” ~ Byron Katie

I always recommend finding incidents and people who you really feel hurt by, because noticing your thoughts about these situations and relaxing them, allowing them to be, even turning them around to the opposite, can be deeply empowering.

But if you use your answers to slap yourself and get meaner than ever….maybe doing The Work on what you think about the universe, your mind, your thoughts, or your feelings can be very enlightening.

Start by making a list about what you hate about yourself. Be specific, be clear.

Here’s what the inquirer I worked with today found:

  • I’ll never succeed
  • I can’t stop being anxious (and I should stop)
  • My sleep patterns are ridiculous, I can’t sleep at the right time
  • This depression goes on and on, without change
  • Where is God? Not here!
  • My situation is hopeless, I want to give up
  • I’m a burden to all the people who love me

Ouch, ouch, ouch.

Even one of these thoughts will make you crawl under the covers, or sob, or wish you were dead.

I remember feeling this way myself.

At the end of my rope. Totally defeated.

Let’s take a look at some of these thoughts (like I did with my client).

Is it true that this situation is completely and totally hopeless? Are you sure you’re a burden to everyone who encounters you? Can you be certain that you should stop being anxious, and that your depression has lasted too long?

Yes. Double yes.

Sigh.

Even if you know this to be absolutely true for you….notice how you react and what happens next for you, when you believe these kinds of thoughts.

I feel soooo tired. More depressed. Desperate, isolated, fragmented. Against my mind, thinking there is something wrong with me and my brain, and that life isn’t supposed to be this way.

Angry, imploded. In the past, I might want to drink a lot, smoke, or eat even when not hungry. I’d avoid other people. Very introverted.

So who would you be without these kinds of terrible, painful thoughts?

Without the thought that your situation is hopeless, who would you be?

Listening. Taking one step. Going outside. Stopping. Looking. Waiting until you’re moved to go where you go.

I turn the thoughts around:

  • I always succeed (the “I” that is eternal)
  • I can stop being anxious (and I shouldn’t stop until I do)
  • My sleep patterns are what they are, there is no right time or way to sleep (comparing is very stressful)
  • This depression does NOT go on without change
  • God is here
  • My situation is not hopeless, I don’t want to give up
  • I’m NOT a burden to all the people who love me, I’m a burden to myself

I can find the truth in all of these turnarounds….but here is one profound idea: YES, this is quite hopeless, but that is NOT a bad thing, it’s a good thing.

I know it’s weird.

The first time ever that I talked with Adya on a longer meditation retreat, I went up to the microphone. Not too shy to speak and ask a question. I was burning with curiosity.

I surprised myself by standing at the mic, and not being able to talk. Like the words got caught inside my throat, and stuck…and then tears welled up.

All I said at first, after some silence and trying to control my choking up was “I’ve tried everything….”

(Honestly, I now don’t believe that was even true, but it was good I believed that at the time, haha).

Adya said “Congratulations”.

Wait. What?

Oh.

Hopeless. Oh.

Nothing I can do. Nothing possible to do to get out of this situation, not really. Wow.

It does take some pressure off. You know?

“When you realize the truth, then you know that this truth is not fooling around. This truth wants you, and it wants your life, and it’s going to devour you and eat you up for dinner. The truth is not playing games.” ~ Adyashanti 

When you feel like all the thoughts that plague you are about yourself, about your mind, your feelings, your way of thinking, your mood….then go for it. Be there.

You can call the Help Line at www.thework.com and receive facilitation on your thoughts.

If I could do this inquiry, so can you, so can you.

“Waking up is like dying. Dying to the past. Dying to the known. Dying to all your thoughts, ideas and beliefs. Dying to who and what you think you are. Dying to all hope of something better. Dying to everything. Letting go of every attempt to hold on. Losing everything that can be lost and discovering what remains.” ~ Joan Tollifson (joantollifson.com)

Much love, Grace

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Buyers Remorse Tornado

Yesterday someone very close to me….OK, my husband…asked me a question.

You would have thought I just heard a radio alert that a tornado has just destroyed downtown Seattle and its now headed straight for our neighborhood!!!

It was 10 pm and we had just turned the light out to go to sleep.

“I heard you bought Ben shoes today that cost $153. What made you decide to buy such expensive shoes for him?”

I quickly replied, “He really liked them, I think these are the nicest and best-made shoes he’s ever had. His feet are not growing anymore. I think it’s OK..”

My voice was very calm and normal, casual like no-big deal, here’s my answer and yeah, I’m happy with that choice.

Heh heh.

Literally 2 minutes later he was asleep.

But there’s a tornado careening towards the neighborhood, remember?

BUYER’S REMORSE!!

It’s called Instant Stress In A Cup, kinda like pouring boiling hot water on a cup of noodles for Instant Lunch. I was BOILING in stressful thinking!

  • he’s questioning my purchases for my son!
  • he thinks I spent too much
  • I shouldn’t have spent it–I should keep my money
  • he said “such expensive” and that means he thinks I’m wildly extravagant
  • he’s got scarcity mentality
  • I shouldn’t have gotten married last year (yes, I thought this)
  • this whole united on paper marriage situation is dangerous!

After 15 minutes of planning out how I could quickly get divorced, on paper, and stop the tornado from coming….

…I got up! Adrenaline is difficult to mix with sleep, I’ve noticed.

I went into my son’s room, where he was happily enjoying his last days of computer time before leaving for college.

I said “do you really like those shoes? I’m worried about how expensive they were. And you still need running shoes….maybe if we took them back and switched to two pairs for the same amount of dollars?”

(hand-wringing, hand-wringing).

He assured me that he loved them, they are the nicest shoes he’s ever owned, and he’ll buy his own running shoes. He is 19 after all.

We were laughing, soon, as I confessed I’m a worry-nut and also said how much I LOVED buying him those shoes.

And also how deeply grateful that I can even afford them, since only four years ago, it was out of the question.

I went back to bed and fell asleep.

In the morning I did The Work.

Now that I was all reassured with the purchase, I noticed many thoughts still running through my mind.

He shouldn’t say anything about what I spend my money on! It’s MINE! Good shoes are hard to find! And they weren’t $153 they were $140 plus tax! Single is better than married!

Justify Justify Defend How Dare You Justify Defend Justify I Have My Rights!!

Really? 

Um, well, no. This not an emergency.

And no, he only asked a simple question, he didn’t even have a “tone”. And no, I have no idea that something terrible will happen if he did indeed disapprove of my purchase.

I don’t actually know that he DOES disapprove, come to think of it.

With the thought?  Good lord. It’s a wild drama. I’m looking for the safest course of action. I’m thinking about the future, the past, emergencies and people having opinions of my actions around money.

There might not be enough! If this keeps up, I’ll lose everything!

With the thought, I’m not looking at myself, I’m looking at him. I’m not looking at my own freaky scarcity orientation in that moment. That I shouldn’t spend unnecessary money, I need to hold on to it, store it.

Believing all those stressful thoughts, I’m worried about ME being a BAD CHOOSER. I’m really afraid that I can’t trust myself and I don’t make good decisions.

So who would I be without the thought, in that moment just a split second after my husband asked his question….without the thought that I’ve made a mistake, I’ve spent too much money, I’ve done it wrong?

I’d hear his powerful question, even if he DID have a tone.

I’d check in with ME to see if it feels right. I’d feel free to say yes or no when buying something for my kids, with ease.

An experiment in noticing fear, anxiety, making trades, flowing money into other places, watching my assumptions, allowing myself to be me, handing over money to someone else.

I turn it all around:

  • I am questioning my purchases for my son! Yikes!
  • I think I spent too much
  • I should have spent it—I shouldn’t keep “my” money
  • “such expensive” means I think I’m wildly extravagant
  • I’ve got scarcity mentality – yes, I’m ready to draw lines and boundaries about this money that I apparently believe is mine
  • I should have gotten married last year, it’s beautiful
  • this whole united on paper marriage situation is safe

I see the happiness on my son’s face and in his words, and I delight in that.

Yes, we could return the shoes. But that doesn’t seem necessary now, even though that is a wonderful option sometimes.

“Happiness is the freedom to be as we are, however we are; richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, gaining or losing, succeeding or failing, wanting or not wanting, approving or not approving, forever. Happy is what we are and what we’ll be if we don’t believe we are wrong to be as we are.” ~ Bruce DiMarsico

Now is another moment, now I have enough money. Now, I take a very deep breath.

Now, I speak to my husband and tell him my reaction last night and he says “wow, amazing mind!” and I find out he wasn’t concerned.

“It helps greatly to see that being lost at times is all part of the dance and that nothing is really an enemy, a distraction or a failure. The light and the dark go together as one seamless happening.” ~ Joan Tollifson

Turns out there was only the THOUGHT of a tornado.

And now, a slower gentleness inside about buying things….appreciating that gorgeous store where the shoes came from that I hadn’t been inside of for probably ten years, noticing how fun it is to thrift shop, looking at beliefs about acquiring, paying for things.

“Is money the problem, or is what they [you] were believing about money the problem? Money is absolutely innocent. Money never gave anyone one problem. It just sits there…..from parents to money, all innocent.” ~ Byron Katie

Much Love, Grace