Tag: innocence

Last night a wonderful group of people showed up to do The Work, rain pounding like it hardly ever does in Seattle.

The kind of rain where you can’t go from your door to the mailbox, you have to wait it out. Unless you don’t mind getting so wet, it’s like you were sprayed with a garden hose.

This meetup format I’ve been doing only a little bit now (this was the third time) is really interesting, and fun. People with every range of experience come to find out what The Work could be all about.

Like, what’s the fuss, anyway?

Because of talking with people regularly who are very new to The Work, I remembered my own journey with it more deeply last night.

And my resistance to it….but oddly fascinated at the same time.

It was a lot longer journey than you might think.

First, there was seeing the book Loving What Is in a bookstore and waiting until it came out in paperback.

Then, there was finally reading it.

Around that time, either during or after reading Loving What Is, there was the discovery that Byron Katie was coming to Seattle, my home town.

She would be in a huge hall downtown in the Seattle Center, for two full days, a Saturday and a Sunday.

I signed up.

I remember when I entered on Saturday morning, someone handed me a red rose. I didn’t go with anyone I knew. My usual approach to things. Just sign up and go on my own. I never wanted to talk to anyone else if it was something I was seriously contemplating or wanting to understand.

(Still like that a lot of the time).

I took a seat amidst a huge crowd, sort of towards the back left side, facing the stage in the distance. On every seat was a blank Judge Your Neighbor worksheet and one of those little pencils.

I stared at this worksheet.

What do I write about?

In some ways, there’s so much I’m upset with, in other ways, it’s just a few key terrible incidents and situations.

Where do I begin?

Katie said something about picking one person I was very upset with.

Visions of ME floated through my head. It was so hard, it seemed, to think of other people I felt upset with and actually write those secret, horrible thoughts down on paper.

Aren’t I trying to forget all about those thoughts?

Katie said to write about something terrible that happened, something difficult, an argument.

I wrote about an abortion I had, only a year previously. I considered it the most horrible thing I had ever gone through, the inner war, the sick stomach, the indecision, the self-hatred.

My hand was shaking as I wrote. I could only write one, short, crisp sentence for every question on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet. I wrote almost the same thing, repeatedly.

(A few years later, I was writing first drafts of JYNs with an entire page for every question, which I then carefully combed through for understanding and clarity, and then wrote a “final” shorter JYN).

Then Katie said “turn to the person next to you and read your Judge Your Neighbor worksheet to them out loud”.

Wait. What??!

I came alone for a reason! I came alone on purpose! It’s called Not Talking To Anybody!

My head started getting hot.

I read the worksheet to a total stranger man who was about ten years younger than me. He nodded and was very accepting and kind. His worksheet was on his girlfriend.

But an hour later, my throat was hurting. I took ibuprofen. My ears were ringing. It felt like I was getting a fever.

I was.

I didn’t hear much more that day.

But I went back Sunday morning. With a fever of 103, with tylenol and ibuprofen coursing through my system. I did not want to miss the second day. I wanted to understand.

I could hardly speak.

Katie asked who would like to do The Work. There was no way in hell I would ever have raised my hand. Certainly not in that condition, with a fever and pounding ears.

And then a woman, far across the room, standing up so everyone could see her, holding a microphone (!) began to read her worksheet.

I am horrified with myself because I had an abortion. I want to un-do the entire thing. I shouldn’t have done it, I shouldn’t have gotten pregnant….

My back, arms and legs were shaky and my head and ears were burning, my body chilled. I held my head in my two hands, propping it up like it weighed 800 pounds.

I don’t even remember what the woman looked like, but I heard Katie facilitate her through one thought, as she stood and answered the four questions in front of all those people.

Then I got up, and left at the next break, and drove home.

It seemed like nothing happened for me on the inside, around “getting” what this was all about, about inquiring into one’s thinking.

All I could do was to go to bed and sleep until the next day.

But I didn’t realize that it was the beginning of an absolute transformation in my inner world, my perception of all of reality. It was the beginning of true forgiveness, of realizing that my thoughts and presence are not unique, or separate…and that I was innocent.

Out of all those people in that huge auditorium, that woman who stood up and read what she was most ashamed of was the very same as me.

Turned out, I didn’t have to raise my hand, finish the event, meet anyone, make any new friends, or even feel well.

I got what I needed, anyway.

“Eventually, realization is experienced automatically, as a way of life. Peace and joy naturally, inevitably, and irreversibly make their way into every corner of your mind, into every relationship and experience. The process is so subtle that you may not even have any conscious awareness of it. You may only know that you used to hurt and now you don’t.” ~ Byron Katie

It took a little more time before I actually spoke with anyone about questioning one’s thinking and doing The Work, and then more time before I went to The School.

That’s the way it went for me. One little step at a time.

Like the light getting turned up brighter, brighter, brighter. So slowly, I didn’t even realize it until one day, I looked around and was astonished.

And although I’ve shared this before…for some reason, it’s time to share it again.

Sit for four minutes with me, and listen (click the link right below). You can do it, even if it makes you feverish and sick. Questioning your beliefs can show you what is really true for you.

It’s good.

Click here: Leave Everything You Know Behind