Tag: hatred

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When it burns….

grief
When your heart breaks….cry. When words return, The Work.

Yesterday, I did not hear the news until late evening that a terrible massacre had occurred.

I stood at my kitchen counter for a moment, watching a very short news brief on my laptop to understand what my daughter just told me. My heart swelled and broke and tears came.

Our in-person monthly deep dive group had already met for three hours in the afternoon for our final meeting before summer break (we begin again Oct. 23rd in Seattle for 9 months).

I had been moved and touched by peoples’ work during our group. Many of them had written on their bodies. They were feeling ugly, angry with their appearance, disgusted, frightened, aging, incapable of change.

And then, later, this terrible news.

I let it sink into me, and throughout the evening, let The Work do itself within before I began to write.

This tragedy is horrifying, disgusting, violent, wrong, confusing, frightening. Some of the very same words I wrote about it were the very same words I had heard earlier about the body.

Question Four of The Work is: Who would you be without your thought? Who would you be without the thought that what you see is incapable of change, or permanently disgusting, or love is not possible in the presence of it? Who would you be without thinking your body is horrible looking, ugly, something to look away from?

What about other ugly things? Like human violence?

People in the group yesterday noticed how difficult it was to feel, or imagine in any way whatsoever who they’d be….

….without the belief their body was imperfect, wrong, preventing them from getting something they wanted, a barrier to happiness, fat, or ugly.

Sometimes….it is not easy to find who we would be without the feeling of hatred, rage, misery, disgust, or fear about something we see in reality.

It feels like denial.

As someone in the group yesterday said, with deep grief and pain (about her body)….

….”But. This problem is REAL.”

No one has to drop any thoughts. No one has to make themselves NOT think something they ARE actually thinking is absolutely true.

But here’s what I notice about reality.

It is unconditional. As in….there are no conditions. It is what it is.

It does not really care what we think. Reality moves as it moves, it unfolds the way it unfolds. It doesn’t really wait to see if we’re OK with it or not.

I notice Reality doesn’t ask me for my vote.

I can feel enraged, bitter, despairing and hateful about what goes on in Reality, in my life, in this body, with my appearance….

….or I can question my thoughts about it compassionately.

I can fight what is, or the other choice I’ve often made (thinking it gave me some power) is I can refuse to respond, in stubborn defiance.

I can use what I see as proof that Planet Earth is screwed up, or this body is screwed up, or that my mind is screwed up….

….but whatever I’m looking at, when I see there’s something at fault, it feels like…

…War.

Who would I be, or WHAT would I be, without the fearful, war-like thinking? What would it FEEL like, without believing everything I think?

Can I look at the thing I supposedly always hate, through the eyes of the Beloved? Can I look through Reality’s eyes that are unconditional, mysterious, and pulsing with life?

Turning the thought around: What I see is not pure ugliness, hopeless, gross, to-be-avoided, unworthy, disgusting, wrong, a mistake, incapable of changing, hideous, impossible.

This is not ever saying anything I see I must accept without question, or think of as good, or think of as friendly, or feel joyful towards it, if I don’t.

“The world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it.” ~ Helen Keller

With my body, if I don’t like living in it, I can move closer to it, become very intimate with it, taste, smell, be with how it moves, what it feels like to eat, notice it, care for it, get to know it instead of ignoring it. I can imagine dropping all my rules and hatred about it and start over, with fresh eyes, from scratch.

I can do this with death, too. I can do this with tragedy, and fear, depression and suffering. I can become intimate with Reality instead of trying to defy it or fight it, hate it or ignore it.

Starting here. With this body. With other people. With events I encounter. With death.

I can question the story of what I think is impossible, even as it hurts.

“What is to give light must endure burning.” ~ Viktor Frankl

Much love, Grace

P.S. there may be room to squeeze you in at Breitenbush in Oregon. Call 503-854-3320 to ask to attend the June 22-26 Retreat: Declare Peace, The Work of Byron Katie.

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The Truth About Bitter Resentments

One of my favorite things about doing The Work, such a simple form of self-inquiry, is the first step.

Writing down all your vicious, nasty, mean thoughts of resentment about that other person, or that problem with food or money, or the way things are set up around here. 

You get to be a total brat. In fact, cuttin’ loose on those resentments can be quite cathartic. On paper. And it’s almost scary, even in this moment, to admit how that dark, frightened, defensive mind actually works. 

I hope that person burns in hell, I hope he fails disastrously and loses all his money and possessions, I hope she suffers and dies, I hope they get hit by a meteor, I hope they kill each other in misery, I hope they get what they deserve.

Then almost tied like a feather to the very same thoughts….sadness, grief, shame.

What’s wrong with me, that I’m so upset. I should take the high road. 

One time, early on in doing The Work and questioning my beliefs, I decided that I would write a massively, wildly, unabashedly shameful worksheet. I would tell the truth on it. 

I would write out how much I hated that person for real.

After completing a barrage of rage against the person as I held them in my memory, all written on paper, I paused as I re-read my words. Then, I suddenly realized….nothing I wrote on there was actually truly satisfying. It’s like I couldn’t really, really, really find words mean enough to describe the hatred I was feeling. 

And what I DID have written on the worksheet was questionable.  

Did I really want that person to rot in hell, burning with suffering forever for what they had done? To me?

Instead of so quickly condemning yourself for being such a mean, rotten, hurt, horrible, judgmental person….it is powerful to allow yourself to sit in those angry words and see if you really think of them as true.

People who steal, betray, or attack you (or others) are really great candidates for these kinds of raging worksheets. 

The ones whose fault it is that you’re not happy now. 

This is allowing that voice that is a total victim, who likes to blame, who wants revenge or resolution, to have it’s say. It’s there for a reason. Instead of suppressing it and feeling like a really horrible bad mean person….if you do….for even THINKING this way, why not go for it?

Because for me, it didn’t really work all that well to hold everything in and smash down my anger. I’d usually end up overeating later on. Turning and facing the actual base energy worked MUCH better, it turned out.

So let’s take a look, at a really mean thought, letting it be as it is–outraged!

He should suffer, rot in hell and die. He should never be happy. He should HURT.

Is that true?

No. Of course not. But let it be OK if YOU secretly answered “yes”. It’s called being mad. And terrified. Blowing energy outward in every direction. A big, chaotic scream. 

How do you react when you feel that extreme rage? When you have visions of that person dying, suffering, losing everything?

I know that for me….I felt HORRIBLE. I myself felt crushed, confused about where to put my anger, lost, desperate, beaten. I sat here with the feelings. I noticed they didn’t feel good. They felt like an implosion, sort of sickening, and furious.

So who would you be without that belief? Without the thought that someone else should suffer, hurt, or remain unhappy…forever?

Happy, lighter, kind…….GRATEFUL.

Turning the thought around, I see that person should heal, multiply in heaven and live! He should always be happy. He should not hurt.

Now that’s truly exciting. And true. 

“At each step and with each breath we are given the option of acting and responding, both inwardly and outwardly, from the conditioning of egoic consciousness which values control and separation above all else, or from the intuitive awareness of unity which resides in the inner silence of our being.” ~ Adyashanti 

Could it be that as I think vengeful thoughts towards someone, or others, that I feel pain towards myself?

I hope that I burn in hell, I hope I fail disastrously and lose all my money and possessions, I hope I suffer and die, I hope I get hit by a meteor, I hope I kill myself in misery, I hope I get what I deserve.

Could any of these be gifts, or absurdities, or unimportant, or not that bad after all? Just a scenario the mind is making up, with its exquisite imagination?

Ha ha, kind of crazy….but opening to these options, without terror….is funny. 

“The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.” ~ Jalaluddin Rumi

Every person who ever “hurt” me taught me the most incredible things. Sitting in what they did, what I did, what happened….there is nothing but profound gratitude. Not because gratitude is the “right” thing to feel. 

It is what remains after inquiry. 

Much love, Grace