Have you ever really wanted to know what someone thought of you, or what they thought of something you did, or something you said, or something you created?
Or have you noticed….maybe you’re afraid to find out?
Long ago when I was in a therapy support group, one of the principles for how everyone interacted was that you were supposed to tell the truth, give feedback, and if you had something that bugged you with someone else in the group…you had to clear it up before anything else happened in the group that session.
Woah. It was soooo scary to me.
We were even offered a script to follow when you had a “clearing”.
You began by saying “when you said/did/looked like x, what I thought it meant about me was ______.”
You then went on to find out if what you were thinking had any truth to it at all. You spoke from the heart, without demanding that anyone change. The other person listened, then got to respond.
It was like clouds had parted over a very dark sky.
If you’re disturbed by someone, you can SAY something!? Wow!!
Recently, I asked all the people who had ever taken my teleclasses or programs on food and eating to answer a few questions anonymously and tell me their thoughts.
Even though I knew about clearings from way back then in those groups, I wouldn’t have been able to ask for feedback in quite the same way only a few years ago….especially not before The Work.
I got to read the most amazing feedback.
There was a huge, big range of comments and experiences!
(Funny how it’s called “feedback” by the way…speaking of food issues).
Quite a few people felt a class or program changed their experience of food, eating, their body image, and gave them new ways to look at their relationship with food, or their appearance, that was never the same again….and they’ve been growing in this awareness ever since, doing inquiry and seeing what it’s like to question thought.
Some people said they can’t remember what the class content was like, but they know it made a positive difference and they continue to watch what they think and feel to see what’s really true.
Some people said they understood some new principles for themselves and get self-inquiry, but it hadn’t really sunk in, they still struggled on a daily basis with eating or self-criticism around their body.
And one person said it was a huge disappointment and nothingchanged for them.
Yikes!
This is so powerful, especially for this thing in life called honest contact with others.
But here’s what is different about reading all the feedback than how it used to be:
It inspired me!
For the participants who didn’t get everything they wanted, I knew that only 8 weeks of investigating thoughts and practicing inquiry wouldn’t really blow the lid off a whole lifetime of using food to feel better or alter feelings, and stop the insanity.
I knew I needed to offer more, to somehow get what I’ve learned out of my head and my heart into a format that works for everyone, or a big major percentage of the people for sure, not just for some.
Plus, I already know everyone’s got their own path to peace. I may or may not have anything to do with it.
Here’s a way you can use feedback to help you, rather than scare you, if you’ve gotten some that feels a little (or a lot) painful.
Identify what hurts the most. For me, the thing that popped out most was “huge disappointment”.
Then begin to see and feel what the inner voice has to say about this comment, what feels painful, what’s terrible about what you’ve heard.
I let someone down, I should have made a difference, I should have offered more, I can’t deliver the answers well enough, I don’t have answers for other people (and I should), I’ll never be successful in serving, my approach wasn’t good enough, it’s too hard to relay healing in this area, people are still suffering, my service is pointless, we’re all alone….
If you’ve ever failed, or had difficult feedback, notice what your mind says about it.
Is it true?
Yes. Failure. Over. Didn’t do well. Missed the mark.
People feel this way about so many relationships, not even just feedback that isn’t “good”.
Can you really know it’s true, though? Are you positively sure?
No.
Who would you be without the thought that you did it wrong, you were a huge disappointment, you weren’t good enough, what you’re doing is pointless, you aren’t successful, and you should have done it differently?
Eager to create more. Excited to see what happens next.
Noticing life went THAT way, not THIS way.
Watching people come and go, for all kinds of reasons.
What if the turnarounds were just as true, or even truer than the original thoughts the mind comes up with, about what feedback means?
I let myself down, I am making a difference, I should have offered more for my sake, I can deliver the answers (and questions) that I have, I shouldn’t have answers for other people, I am successful in serving, my approach was good enough, it’s easy to relay healing in this area, people are no longer suffering, my service is meaningful for me….
I love that it’s all a process and a journey. There is learning, growth, and a unique timeline for everyone.
“Surrender has been part of all forms of spirituality because it is a means and invitation to do something that almost everything in us is hooked up to NOT do…which is to let go. Failure is the means to success. That place where nothing works is the place where everything works….But as long as you’re running towards or away from something, you’re in the game of illusion.” ~ Adyashanti
Without the belief that I should have, I shouldn’t have, I can’t, I can, or anything else I think something means….I don’t know what anything means.
I look around at this beautiful day, I hear a low hum of silence, a small airplane in the distance, a mailbox opening in the neighborhood, I feel my feet against the floor, my lungs take a huge deep breath.
Anyone can have this. Right now. Anyone can stop, feel, wait, slow down.
Anyone can see what took them out of the present and into feeling hurt…and perhaps into eating or drinking or smoking or whatever it was.
Anyone can do the work.
Much love, Grace