Tag: enlightenment

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Enlightenment is intimacy with the one who says I’m not enlightened

I experienced an inner momentary fit, followed by a sense of sadness the other day.

I watched the response clench inside, then release like a puff of smoke rising up and away.

I was listening to a friend share some of her experiences about a topic I’m deeply interested in and have studied for many years, even academically: disordered eating. Eating angst. Eating issues. Eating weirdness. Eating too much. Eating too little. Eating as a spiritual path of healing.

As you probably know by now, the topic of healing addiction and compulsive behavior, especially around food, eating and body image is practically an obsession for me, just like eating once was. (I confess I’m still a bit obsessive perhaps, but obsession to study troubled eating is a thousand times easier than doing troubled eating).

And for me, my eating was a symptom of course of what we talk about here: Stress. Feelings. Unhappiness. Thoughts. Grace (the other kind).

Anyway, I’m talking to this friend, and she’s vulnerably sharing about her experience of feeling not-quite-right with food or weight (yet).

Then she says about an expert in the field….”Well, she’s  awake, so I’m listening closely to her and following her work….”

There was more commentary about other “awake” people too. This spiritual teacher is awake. That teacher is not.

Sigh.

The whole who-is-awake and who-is-not awake thing, again.

So what was the trouble for me about this comment?

Because I can’t deny it was trouble. Ugh.

I sat for a moment quietly, long after the conversation was over, to contemplate what felt troubling about this labeling of someone as awake or enlightened.

What’s my objection? What am I afraid of?

What am I thinking and believing here?

First of all, I thought to myself, it automatically means if someone’s awake, that someone else is NOT awake.

The friend who was speaking about awake-ness seems to assume that she herself is not awake. The world is divided into those who are and who are not. Like Sneetches.

But those Not Awake people.

Uh-oh.

I must be one of them. She thinks I am not helpful, or awake enough (or awake at all) to be of assistance, even though, as mentioned, my favorite obsession is self-inquiry and eating peace as a spiritual practice.

(I can hear Popeye’s voice muttering under his breath while making a fist ‘why I oughtta…’).

Is that all this tweak is about? She doesn’t see me as the helpful genius who knows?

Oh man.

People need to think I’m helpful. They need to consult with me on their problems. Especially when it comes to eating.

Suddenly, as I sank into The Work I saw how I’m seen is not only about this eating topic….but in other areas.

I need to be seen as ______ (kind, supportive, smart, funny, awake).

  • My sister needs to think I’m supportive about divorce.
  • My friend needs to think I’m insightful about alcohol recovery.
  • My other friend needs to think I’m on the right path, even if I don’t have the Course in Miracles memorized.
  • My mother needs to think I’m welcoming.
  • My other friend needs to think I’m good to hang out with when you have cancer. 
  • My kids need to think I’m the first one to consult if they have a predicament with a friend, or with money, OK with anything.

Crazy.

It’s like the mind has an insisting perspective that I must be seen as “x” in this or that situation (fill in the blank with something good–in this case, “awake”).

Yikes. Kind of embarrassing.

Is it really true that my friend should see me as profoundly helpful and as someone with the answers, or someone “awake”?

No.

Am I sure it’s true that she does NOT see me as helpful?

No.

How do you react when you think this thought that someone needs to see you as helpful, interesting, useful, appealing, attractive, good, enlightened, funny, supportive?

How do you react when you hear that some people are enlightened, and others are not?

I’ve lived many moments in this thought, starting very young. When I’ve believed it, and I’m around other people, I make an effort to behave the most helpful awakened way.

Like Maria in the Sound of Music.

I’m acting. I’m not simply being. I’m not in touch with what naturally arises.

I might even think that what’s arising in me, or in a human who is not “awake” is negative, selfish, boring, serious, or asleep.

I had an insane eating disorder once. Or should I say an insane thinking disorder. I compared myself to images of what was right, perfect and good and tried to be like them, instead of be like myself.

When I believe someone needs to see me as helpful, I take it personally and think I did something “wrong” if they don’t.

So who would you be without this dreadful story of trying so hard to be good, kind, helpful….or even awake? (The new achievement of “there”)?

In the presence of my friend, I’d be actually listening. I might ask her further about what she experiences that feels off. I wouldn’t think her statements or questions or comments about who is or is not awake have to do with me.

Maybe she’s right.

I’d sit with this interesting awake-ness quality so discussed, admired, longed-for, sought-after, wondered about, written about….and feel whatever-it-is present right here, right now.

I’d appreciate the moment, with her comments in it, and my thoughts spinning off for a sec, and noticing the absolute delight of connecting, sharing, being here.

Turning the story around: People do NOT need to think I’m helpful. They do NOT need to consult with me on their problems. (Especially when it comes to eating). My friend does NOT need to see me as “awake”, or relinquish categorizing others as awake or not awake. 

Yes. I can find this to be truer. Silence is glorious. The most beautiful feeling is when you find your own answers, not someone else’s answers.

The most brilliant, exciting feeling is when you become aware of how life brings you to conversations with other people, to taking in some kind of sound or words or communication….

…..and then it takes you to conversations with yourself, and then it takes you to no conversation at all, and back again.

The way of it.

Turning the thought around again: I need to think I’m helpful, I need to consult myself on my own problems (especially when it comes to other people connecting with me about theirs). I need to see myself as awake. 

This is a most amazing question to ask: Why do I say I am or am not awake, or that other person is or is not awake? How do I know? Where did I get this idea?

Turning the thought around again:  I need to think she’s helpful, I need to consult her on my problems or her problems. I need to see her as awake. 

“Everyone is enlightened except you.” ~ Byron Katie

LOL. Right!

Isn’t that the best place to be ever? Open like a sponge? Not knowing what’s true? Unconcerned with what happens next? Happy to hear the brilliance of my dear friend?

Everyone having something interesting, fascinating, unique, curious, startling, joyful or hilarious to say…including the one who is dividing the world into awake and not awake. She’s exactly the same as I am. I’m dividing myself into parts, and having objections.

I’m hearing myself–I’m her. 

“When one first seeks the truth, one separates oneself from it…..Enlightenment is intimacy with all things.” ~ Dogen

Every word, sound, facial expression, breath, moment, listening, thought, description, story.

Every moment. Ahhhh.

Much love,

Grace

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Are You On An Enlightenment Plan?

How does it feel to keep thinking you need to change, improve, grow?
How does it feel to keep thinking you need to change, improve, grow?

‘I need to make sure I’m thinking positively and joyfully at all times. I have to avoid the negative, dark thoughts. I must remember all thinking is an illusion anyway. I’m not really seeing anything accurately. I need to picture my happy outcomes and keep imagining the wonderful possibilities. I must stop focusing on the dreadful, frightening possibilities…..’

Have you ever read books, gotten more into metaphysics and spirituality….

….and noticed your mind suddenly has a new voice full of little spiritual ideas and suggestions?

All kinds of new ideas. They sound great. They’ll get you to the kingdom.

Exciting!

Only. Hmmmm.

This voice seems somehow familiar.

This voice sounds nicer than others. It sounds more genteel and open. It’s got a really sweet tenure and color.

And yet.

Something smells fishy.

(Rip off the pink sweet mask)

Ah-ha! Dictator Self-Hater Strikes Again!

You see, that mind can take anything and begin to use it to stay on the self-improvement-is-the-goal path. To not truly relax with where you are, now.

I know, because I do it myself.

But I really did it with the project of meditation at one time.

I was so anxious, I knew that what I really needed was to meditate.

People are calm who meditate all the time, right? It’s proven that meditating is the right thing to do. Along with eating well, exercising, being kind, sleeping all night, and being self-less.

Yeah. That’s right!

So I decided after semi-meditating for a decade or so….

….I’m meditating an hour a day.

No excuses.

This will happen, rain or shine.

I’m very disciplined at times, when I set my mind to something. I started every single day with one hour of meditation. Even if I had a fever (which I did once). I sat up in my chair, took position (it didn’t count in a bed or in any other position, I must be sitting up very straight) and set my alarm so I wouldn’t peek at any clocks.

After one year I prided myself on 365 days of meditation, not missing one single day.

I was well into my second year of this when I went on a meditation retreat.

While there, it occurred to me I was “doing” the “right” thing.

Here I am, doing the right thing! See me, oh great universe? How ’bout this, God? You gonna bring me supreme awareness? Abundance and flow? An anxiety-free life?

Look at how good I am! I work sooooo hard. I read books, I watch videos, I meditate, I listen to spiritual teachers, I study, I correct my thinking, I’m practically obsessed with awakening and enlightenment and peace….

….it’s all I ever think about!

Um.

It suddenly hit me.

I was doing all these things in the name of Me. “I” will wake up. “I” will achieve the greatest achievement….self-realization. “I” will arrive and it will be fabulous.

The Universe will basically say “you look mahvellous.”

I’ll feel like a million bucks. And I’ll probably HAVE a million bucks, too!

Ouch. A subtle ouch, but nevertheless, an ouch.

Because this achievement that was going to happen was off in the distance, in the future, some day.

This isn’t quite it yet.

I remember a good friend who caught the same disease….

….er, I mean the same penchant for insight….

….said she was going to save up a lot of cash, because later, when she was enlightened, she probably wouldn’t care about cash.

So who would we all be without our beliefs that we absolutely must do things like meditate, think positively, save up for later, try harder, or improve?

This is not an invitation to the hopeless resigned place of despair.

It’s a reminder that what we really want has to ultimately be possible here and now, not later.

A reminder that we are not in absolute control. We are not isolated islands floating around with something missing.

It’s not an unfriendly messed up universe that sometimes spits out less-than-perfect people with faulty minds.

Who would you be without the belief that you’re going somewhere? Or that you NEED to go somewhere?

I find this astonishing (at least my mind does).

Really? Actually let go? Relax and give up (in a good way)? 

Who would I be without the thought that I must improve my thought?

Not so discouraged. Not feeling like a failure. Not ping-ponging around with that dictator voice that’s got either a self-improvement whip or a doing-it-so-good-and-right whip.

I’d be meditating for the sheer joy of it, not because it’s the right thing to do for getting somewhere.

And if I had a fever….I’d probably stay in bed, lying flat and resting.

I’d be laughing!

“Meditation practice isn’t about trying to throw ourselves away and become something better, it’s about befriending who we are.” ~ Pema Chodron

“Conditioned mind is perpetually focused on something other than what is–another time or place, another something that must be done right now. When we don’t succumb to ego’s urgency, fear, and anxiety we can relax, breathe and be, right where we are, right where Life has place us in this very moment.” ~ Cheri Huber

Just for today, take a very deep breath, and be with yourself. See yourself in the mirror and notice how awesome you are. Relax your muscles, your speed, the need to change your mind, your to-do list, your plans for awakening.
And you don’t have to. If this doesn’t happen, that’s OK too.
All is very, very well, without you needing to do anything about yourself.
Wow.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Summer Camp Fridays are from 7-8:30 am Pacific Time! Very unusual early, beautiful summer morning hours! We’ll still have 4 more of these in the month ahead. Join us if you like.
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The Enlightenment Capers

A dear friend and I were recently talking. She brought up a most wonderful topic…enlightenment. Awakening. Spiritual freedom.

We both love this topic.

During the conversation, I noticed something I hear in “spiritual” discussion circles….

….or should I say, I hear it in my own mind.

The question of who is and who is not “awake”.

Suddenly I was struck by this way we humans have of looking, defining, contemplating the notion of “awake” or “enlightened” or “there” or “arrived”.

As one friend said to me once about a spiritual teacher he knew,  “he’s the real deal”.

How does anyone know?

How do I know?

For this exploration, I decided to make a list. When someone has these qualities, I see them as unenlightened:

  • cares too much or too little about other peoples’ behaviors or opinions
  • afraid of the future, regretful about the past
  • dishonest, cheat, liar, selfish, immature, childish
  • experiences big feelings like longing, anger, rage, terror, sobbing
  • triggered by some people, not by others
  • high maintenance – lots of needs
  • addicted
  • complainer
As I sat with my list, I was amazed by all the images, feelings and thoughts that floated around me.

 

I could point out the asleep, clueless people….and the awake, brilliant people.

 

Like I knew.

 

These people, like that…..these other people, like this. One side having crossed the line, the other side, not yet crossed.

 

Some people with it, some without. Some people taking the blue pill, some people the red pill (the matrix).

 

Gosh. Talk about duality.

 

I would know who is or is not enlightened. I would know if someone was clear, brilliant, there. I would know if someone was hazy, lost, not there. I know I am not. I know those people are.

 

Is that true?

 

I take a deep breath and answer.

 

No. I have no idea. I don’t “know” anything about all this, or what’s going on.

 

How do I react when I believe that there are some enlightened people and some endarkened people, and I’ve got a clue who is who?

 

Jeez. A world full of evaluation, comparison, resistance to the dark, pursuit of the light.

 

Not exactly relaxing.

 

So who would you be without the thought that you have any clue at all who is or who isn’t “there” based on behaviors like the list above…..including YOU?

 

Who would you be without the thought that anyone else in the world has something you don’t have?

 

“It is of no use to speculate about what enlightenment is; in fact, doing so is a major hindrance to its unfolding. As a guiding principle, to progressively realize what is not absolutely True is of infinitely more value than speculating about what is.” ~ Adyashanti

Who would you be without the thought that those people, with those qualities, are asleep?

It’s like starting from scratch, knowing nothing.

What if none of these qualities truly mean anything? About anyone?

Nobody holding a quality and keeping it, the possessor of it, the one who owns that difficult (or delicious) quality…nobody wrong, nobody right. Everyone where they are, in a great moving body of energy.

Nothing static, nothing permanent, nothing set in stone.

“People say am I enlightened? Well how would I know? But I know what freedom is, that I know. ‘Enlightened’ I have no thought to. ‘Freedom’ I do, and when we’re free there’s no problem and that’s a very friendly universe to live in. I love this planet.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the belief that Some People have something missing (and you could be part of some people) or that you must strive for certain qualities in order to be comfortable, clear, or good….

….whatever is happening right now is spacious, empty, unknown.

Everyone is amazing, even with their complaints, getting triggered, blubbering, yelling, judging, being needy, being addicted, sick, lying.

“You don’t want your happiness to be conditional on the behavior of other people. It’s bad enough that your happiness is conditional upon your own behavior. When you start making it conditional upon other peoples’ behavior, you’re in serious trouble.” ~ Michael Singer

Ahhh…I look forward to encountering people, whatever their qualities, and allowing them all to be exactly as they are. I myself can practice unconditional happiness in their presence.

Inner stillness, quiet, no matter what.

And when it gets disrupted, inquiry.

Much love, Grace