Tag: embarrassment

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I had to admit it. Yikes.

First (before today’s inquiry) an accidental merging of my mailing lists (in case you haven’t read the news): I pressed a button and all Eating Peace subscribers were combined with regular Grace Note subscribers. 

But I figure this has lead to something perfect: you updating your subscription with what you want to receive from Work With Grace, and what you don’t. 

Grace Notes (like the email you’re reading) come out 1-3 times a week with the The Work on some stressful thought (plus all upcoming events are announced, the Peace Talk podcast updates, and First Friday monthly free sessions). 

Eating Peace Notes are all about eating, self-inquiry, and ending troubled relationships with food and our bodies (and especially our minds) and comes out once every 7-10 days with a youtube video.

How to update: scroll down to the link at the very bottom of this email (or any email you ever receive from me) and click the Update Profile link. It’s in tiny pale letters.


The whole list debacle makes me think of fessing of up to mistakes made, and how this goes in the world whether between two people, or huge groups, or whole countries. 

It can be incredibly powerful to admit your part in an interaction gone “wrong”. Or to tell the honest truth when you’re asked a question directly.

“The answer is…..”
“I have something to tell you….”, 
“I must admit that….”
“I’m worried about saying this, but the truth is….” 
“I’d like to have a heart-to-heart conversation about….”

The other day, my husband, who is a school teacher, stood in the kitchen looking into a bag of fabric someone donated to him for his classroom. 

“Oh look!” he said with delight, “this design is so beautiful! And this one looks like a picnic table!” 

He continued to scrounge through the huge bag of large and small fabric pieces. 

Then he pulled out some kind of white mesh thing with sticky sides and held it up and looked towards me, sitting over in the living room. 

“Do you know what this is?”

I stood up and came over to look. 

I had no idea. Some kind of backing perhaps, something used in sewing. 

My husband left it on the counter. 

Several hours later I was back in the kitchen making a cup of tea, cleaning everything up the way I do while the water boiled, emptying the dishwasher, wiping counters, putting things away where they belong.

I held up the folded white mesh thing-we-didn’t-know-what-it-was, paused, hesitated, and then threw it in the garbage. 

Um. Heh. Yah, I did that. (It’s not the first time).

That evening, my husband poked his head into where I was reading. “Do you know where that white meshing stuff is from the donation bag?”

Oh. 

“I’ll get it!”

I noticed myself jump up, go into the kitchen and fish the stuff out of the garbage, with him following me and seeing me do it. I kinda wish he wasn’t following me, if you know what I mean.

What did I think, earlier? That he’d never notice? (Yes, and I remember hesitating with the gut feeling to ask him first).  

“You threw it out?!”

Fortunately for me, I have the dearest most patient husband in the world. The stuff was slightly moist in one area from a tea bag, but intact. 

While in this situation part of me knew to take the time to ask first….I’ve been in situations before where I deleted documents, broke something, lost my wallet or keys, forgot an appointment….and I didn’t “mean” to do it. This one I actually basically knew not to, and did it anyway. 

One underlying thing was happening in all of them: wanting to go fast. Wanting it to be easy, and done. Finished. Over. Task Complete. Problem Solved. Kaput. 

Being someone who was once bulimic, literally, with a raging eating disorder, I watch the underlying belief in axing things, or purging, still arise. 

It happens so quickly, because speed is involved. 

Get this out of here, cut this off, remove it from my sight, off with his head!!

Have you ever handled relationships with others like this?

Jobs. Romances gone sideways. First husband when he said he wanted to end the marriage. 

People sometimes cut off their family members using this “delete” strategy rather than tell the full and honest truth, and listen to the other tell theirs. Which takes time, patience, slowing down, willingness to share together and speak and discover what it’s like for the other. 

But here’s the thing: For me, it’s always good to do The Work first, before such an intimate conversation.

It’s worth it. 

It’s literally one million times easier to share honestly with someone you love than to hold it in, pretend things are OK, repress, be super careful. Even better if you discover your own fears, motive or agenda beforehand, by doing The Work.

I know, I know….that other person may not want to speak with you even if you get to the place where you do. That’s OK. The best feeling is being open and willing. You can let them know you are (if you are) so they know you’ll be ready when they are. 

Meanwhile, I love the four questions.

I can just throw this away, and the counter will be clean. (I can just shut down, isolate, withhold the truth, and go on about my life leaving the past entirely behind…)

Is it true?

Um. Rats. There may be a few steps in between. These steps might look like feeling our full feelings, willingness, inquiry, learning, honesty, clarity, awareness, love, surrender, peace.

So, no. It’s not true that throwing it away will clean it up, forever…or with no consequence. 

How do I react when I believe safety lies in cutting something off? Or my goal will be realized if I throw something out (even if it’s not mine)?

I move fast. I toss it away.

Long ago, when I was trying to follow spiritual principles I was gathering from anything I could possibly read, I decided giving all my possessions away would put me into a state of wonder and lack of burden. 

I literally took everything, including photo albums with all my own baby and childhood photos, to the dump. I watched everything I owned practically go over the edge by my own hands into the pit. 

I still think about that purging. The desire to purge my mind of myself. The desire to be something that was Not Me. Really believing it would bring me to freedom, or peace.

It didn’t. 

Who would you be without the belief that throwing something, someone, that issue….into the garbage or out of your sight, will make things easier? Quicker? Handled? Safer?

Sigh.

I’d ask my husband if he wanted the thing, or not. If he said “no” I might even put it in the Goodwill box and treat it as something of value. (I still do love giving away things I don’t use very often, and prefer the more minimalist life of a little house, fewer clothes, just-right amount of pots and pans, one bookshelf of books).

Who would I be without the belief that tossing it away would clean it up? Including a relationship?

I’d be doing The Work. Checking my inner clenching. Watching “my” resistance. Noticing the fear at the human level and the absence of fear at a place beyond.  

I’d make contact with an open mind, with the other person. I’d share my inner life, and connect with them, without expectation. 

Turning the thought around: I can’t throw this away and expect the counter will be clean. I can’t just shut down, isolate, withhold the truth, and go on about my life leaving the past entirely behind…

Could this be just as true or truer? What’s the reality? 

I notice the mind, and the heart, want to catch up with each other and understand together what’s going on. I notice I want to connect with others in a really honest, open-hearted way and this takes time. Willing to listen, speaking the truth in response, sharing until it feels empty.

I notice I can’t throw my thinking away about something that happened that I found disturbing. I can’t just shut it down, isolate it and go on about my life without inquiry and understanding. 

It takes as long as it takes. It takes reflection, having an honest conversation with myself. Willing to be wrong or misunderstood. Willing to Not Be The Victim. 

And here’s the good news: you don’t have to have the other person say “yes” to a conversation, you don’t have to keep a job that’s really not right for you, you don’t have to keep the white mesh thingie on the counter when you want the counter cleaned off. 

It’s a clarity dance. 

I love slowing down, with the help of The Work. I love noticing the way the mind believes Fast or Over is better, instead of Slow and Steady.

Best of all, it’s a work in progress, this dawning of awareness. It’s underway. Happening. Doing what it needs to do. 

“I see people and things, and when it comes to me to move toward them or away from them, I move without argument, because I have no believable story about why I shouldn’t. It’s always perfect. A decision would give me less, always less. So ‘it’ makes its own decision, and I follow. And what I love is that it’s always kind.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’d like to question your thoughts about a relationship that ended (divorce, break-up, separation) then join me January 6th on Sundays at 11:00 am Pacific Time for 6 sessions (no class January 13th). Sign up here.

Eating Peace Retreat is also coming soon. Three spots left. This is a deep and powerful immersion in questioning thought, behaviors, relationship with food, reactions, compulsion, betrayal, disappointment. We start Weds night Jan 9th and end Monday morning January 14th. Life changing. 

Question your thinking, change your world. 

Much love,
Grace

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Shame & Guilt: looking closely instead of trying to rip them out

First Friday Inquiry Jam is tomorrow! 7:45-9:00 am Pacific Time. It’s for everyone, it’s free (donation if it feels right). You can listen-only through the Broadcast, or dial-in with phone or WebCall and have the opportunity to do The Work. We’ll start with me guiding you through filling out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

Your sharing out loud, whether you’re in the hot seat doing The Work or listening, asking a question, offering an insight, is a beautiful way to connect us all together with this powerful process called self-inquiry. Join me HERE. If for any reason the dial-in or WebCall is full when you try to connect, join using the Broadcast feature.

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So later this very day, Thursday at 1:00 pm PT I’ll be over on facebook live, on video. I do this to answer questions and share some of the biggest topics we notice come up and create arguments with reality!

Today, I want to talk about shame and guilt, because it’s coming up right and left lately in my Year of Inquiry group, solo sessions with people, and of course in troubles with food and eating or other compulsions.

Shame feels so awful to experience, right?

Must get rid of it….ASAP!!

But like other emotions and feelings (anger, for example) it may be here for an important reason. I mean, feelings, including shame or guilt, exist in reality, right?

So instead of wanting to crush them or freak out if we feel shame, maybe we can wonder about the message it brings.

Shame feels awful, no doubt about it. Nauseated, horrified, self-attacking (Why did I DO that? What’s WRONG with me?) and secretive.

Shame seems to say “hide this and never, ever, ever let anyone know about it”.

But what if we turned towards the thing(s) we feel most ashamed of and looked at them more closely, accepting them as a message or important dynamic we need to understand?

A wonderful exercise offered by Byron Katie in her book “I Need Your Love–Is That True?” is to write down your most shameful experiences.

Ugh. I know. Gross. Do I have to?

Well, no one has to do anything….but to take a look at what you’re ashamed of can grow you up and open your mind in a way you might not have thought possible. So why not do it? It’s crushing and hard and depressing to keep the experience hidden, so bringing it out to the open fresh air may feel horrible to see as it lays there so ugly in the bright sunlight, but better than the alternative of continuing the way you’ve been going.

It doesn’t mean announce it on facebook.

You can find a trusted advisor to work with, someone who you know can work with shame with an open mind, too.

And if the trusted advisor is you (it is) then you can do it on your own–as long as you tap into the part of you willing to be accepting and open, no matter what.

Long ago, even when I stopped binge-eating and vomiting and over-exercising, I would NEVER want anyone to know I had been bulimic. It still feels like there’s an ever-so-slight worried feeling, like an old smell or sound that isn’t pleasant, as I think of sharing how I struggled with a decade of insane eating.

I used to think, at that time, I’d rather be a drug addict or an alcoholic because those sounded more rebellious and wild or Rebel-Without-A-Cause at least, not so ugly as stuffing your face or making yourself throw up in secret. I actually remember thinking I wish I was that kind of addict, because then I’d also fit in completely at AA meetings.

But that was not the way of it.

And the most important thing is not the overeating at all, but instead the inner workings of other events and ways of being I thought of as shameful.

I thought I should never be angry, selfish, rude, boisterous, bossy, grabby. I had so many “rules” about what I should behave like and what other people should also behave like, it was overwhelming to try to be my “best self” all the time.

I just wanted to be offline for once, to live freely without all those rules and regulations.

So a great place to begin your research into what ails you, what brings you to feeling shame, what your shame is telling you, is to simply write a list of what you’re most ashamed of.

I like to suggest writing only five. (Let’s not get carried away, OK?)

Then, you can begin to study these situations not as if you are the problem, but looking at it as if you are a part of a whole. Watching what thoughts you had running. What frightened you most, what upset you, what threatened you, or angered you?

What I know is, when you identify a person, place, thing, event that bothered you or deeply disturbed you in the past….

….and begin to investigate without freaking out….

….you may find a freedom you never thought possible.

It all begins with the question:

Is it true?

1:00 pm PT Facebook Live on shame today, for about 15 minutes. Ask questions (writing), listen, comment. Let’s talk about shame. https://www.facebook.com/WorkWithGrace/ If you can’t make it live, it’ll be there as a recording right afterwards.

Much love,

Grace

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I Made A Terrible Mistake

Have you ever felt horrible because of your own behavior, after you already did it?

You can’t take it back. You can’t change it. It happened.

And then the thought….I will never, ever, ever let that happen again. I will never do that again. Ever.

Humans have all different kinds of qualities they feel terrible about showing to the world.

Snapping at strangers, firey anger, vicious words at someone you love, addictive behaviors….

….or perhaps you’ve found your tears, sobbing, neediness, clinging, or desperation to be the most horrible quality you could reveal.

I will never, ever be needy. I will never cling or grab or reach for attention, love, or approval. Ick.

But let’s say you did want someone’s love, you wanted something to go your way, you made a scene.

One of the best ways I’ve found to work with self-inquiry on feeling embarrassed, wrong and humiliated….

….is to really deeply be with the scene that created the uncomfortable trait to come alive inside you in the first place.

A memory:

I walk up the pathway to the elegant, stately old house with happy and excited energy running through my torso. I’ve chosen a gorgeous shirt in a beautiful deep blue color, sexy jeans, delicate and feminine high-heeled sandals. I’ve put on make-up, the perfect amount of mascara, frosted lipstick, hoop earrings.

I like the man who lives here. I think we might officially call ourselves “dating” now.

He’s invited me to dinner at his home, after many meals out, and getting to know him for awhile as part of a educational group we’re both enrolled in.

Last night….was a big deal.

In the hotel at a conference we both attended, I spent the night with him. It was thrilling, sensual, hot.

I was smitten.

And now, the very next evening, with visions of last night replaying over and over with a thrill….I’m invited for dinner, at his house!!

He answers the door looking dashing, and I hug him and he smiles but seems a little preoccupied. He takes my hand and leads me to the full chef gourmet kitchen and shows me the meal he’s cooking himself for us, a Thai feast.

And then.

“That was so interesting last night. I now get the meaning of Friends With Benefits.”

My heart collapses, a surge goes through my whole system. My stomach clenches.

I’m choking down the urge to cry. I will not cry, can’t show I’m shocked. I’m breathing shallowly, the feelings in my chest are churning.

Oh. That’s how it is. Oh.

I stay awhile, make light conversation, then say that I’m not feeling that great for some reason, make excuses, I’m sorry, then leave. He’s super casual, saying we can take a rain check, no big deal.

I will never, ever do that again. I will never let that happen, ever. I’m too trusting, too needy, I make assumptions. I’m a loser.

Is that true?

Deep breath.

No. I’ve worried about it being true, but I can’t really know it is.

How do you react when you believe you made a mistake? That there’s something wrong with you? That you shouldn’t have done it.

Horrified, ashamed.

Focused on that other person, in this case the man, and seeing ME through HIS eyes (the vision is awful).

Stop.

Who would you be without that thought, that you made a mistake…or that he made one either?

Without the belief that something went wrong, that you have to make sure it doesn’t happen again?

Last night the Year of Inquiry group worked the thought, “I don’t fulfill my promises.”

Same stressful principle. I screwed up.

Turn the thought around: I will always, always let that happen again. I will make a mistake, blunder, make assumptions again. Definitely. I will accept that I am sometimes needy. I will probably cling or grab or reach for attention, love, or approval. Hooray!

Hooray?

Yes, hooray. Why not?

I’m a human being. So are you. Being human.

Being.

“When someone says the world is a terrible place, he becomes the champion of suffering, projecting that there’s something wrong here, something less than beautiful.” ~ Byron Katie

That includes you saying you are terrible….why not be simply, you. With flaws.

With a completely different tone and feeling inside, I say to the man now, looking back on that scene….

….”Oh! That’s how it is! Oh! How thrilling! Thank you so much for telling me the truth! The adventure continues!”

And actually, that IS what really happened.

I just didn’t realize it right away.

Maybe you haven’t realized how the mistake you made, that dumb thing you thought or did, was just perfect for what needed to happen next.

Much love, Grace

 

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That Terrible, Embarrassing Situation

Recently I was driving my car, the wind shield wipers flapping back and forth on high as the rain pelted down.

I was alone with my thoughts and the unfolding road in front of me, in the city with lots of cars, tail lights, motors, movement.

In the silence of the car interior I found myself considering the topic, as I have done so many times before, that I offer to all the participants in the fifth week of the Relationship Hell To Heaven teleclass.

Shame, Embarrassment and Guilt.

No big deal, just a little topic. Heh heh.

Suddenly, I had the thought to revisit an embarrassing situation in my past, and do some sleuthing for what was going on, what I believed, that produced guilt, or that sick feeling that I was doing something wrong.

This is what all the participants get to do as well. It’s not easy. It can make us feel bad, just remembering the situation.

We’d like to forget about it! Not go into it in more detail! Jeez!

But I know that bringing that situation to mind in the most crystal clear way possible is the way to understanding, to truth.

As I saw the situation in my mind, a 5 minute moment from the past, I allowed it to freeze, like stopping the film in a movie.

Yep, that’s a situation I felt really guilty about. Got it. Yuck. I wouldn’t want anyone, ever, to see this movie.

Too embarrassing.

Now that I have the awful moment…..the terrible situation….I take out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

Here’s the interesting part.

I focus on the other person, or people, involved.

Yes, the vicious thoughts against myself are flying around like a thousand bees, but focusing on the self-condemnation won’t necessarily bring peace.

If you can, direct your attention outward, to who or what was present that contributed to this embarrassing situation.

Later on, when I wasn’t driving anymore, I slowly wrote down all my concepts on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

I wanted her to stop pushing me, asking me. I wanted her to not allow her feelings to run rampant. I wanted her to be sober. She should have known better. She should have stopped. She should have cared about me. I needed her to be calm, wise, sincere, honest and supportive. She was crazy, pushy, selfish, grabby, a liar, falsely flattering me. I don’t ever want to hurt other people by colluding with someone like that again.

I point my finger at her, even though in this state of shame, I feel the finger pointing also at myself.

Now….I can do The Work.

Is it true that she should have known better, that she should have been different, that everything would have been OK without her being that way?

Yes! The whole entire thing could have been avoided, I’m sure of it! I was horrible in that situation, too…but without her being so crazy, and demanding, things would have gone MUCH BETTER!

Can I know this, absolutely? Am I sure?

No. Sigh.

How do I react when I think all those thoughts about that other person? All those terrible thoughts about me?

I replay the scene in my mind and wish I could undo it. I want to erase the past.

Hopeless.

Who would you be without the thought that it shouldn’t have gone the way it did?

Who would I be without the belief that she was to blame, I was to blame, someone was to blame, that Reality Sucked in that situation back then?

Wait a moment. Let that sink in.

Really?

Without the thought that the whole thing was wrong, bad, harmful, sucky?

I’m sitting still for awhile, images running through my head, looking around the room.

Then I notice tears flowing down my cheeks. Great huge tears of cleansing grief. I’m not even sure why. Beyond mind.

No one evil. No one unsafe. No one wrong?

The cork taken out of feeling the shame, humiliation, anger, sadness, loss, repression.

Freedom to see completely that everyone did the best they could at the time, and it was all good enough.

Turning the thought around, I sit with that situation, the memory, and feel it as right, good, supportive, and loving.

Can I see that as true, or truer?

Yes.

“Our imagination is a very powerful force in determining what we perceive. If we imagine that the world is teeming with evil forces, we will surely perceive the world as evil. But if we imagine the world to be essentially good, we will perceive it as good. Either way it is the same world that we are looking at.” ~ Adyashanti

Much love, Grace