Some time ago I was working with a man who was newly in business as a chiropractor. He wanted customers, and he felt like he was soooo struggling.
His voice was so sincere and kind, and I heard his disappointment and worry. He wanted to support his wife, he wanted to have kids, but he was feeling very unhappy about the lack of money coming in.
“This is way harder than I thought. I’m going to fail. I have to do something.”
I was there. I knew what he was talking about.
About 7 years ago I was losing everything I owned, and on the brink of losing my house.
I had been in a coach-training program, I had my master’s degree in behavioral science (from ten years before) and I was completing the certification for The Work.
I sent away for PhD program brochures, even though I had nothing left to pay for one of them.
I thought I needed to be in MORE action. I needed to DO something, ASAP.
I believed I had to have more experience, more credentials, more training and more authority, more discipline. I needed goals, plans and clear direction. I believed I was missing something, desperately.
Many authors, coaches, mentors, or teachers of well-being and human potential talk about ACTION and BEING.
Like they’re super different.
If you’re “being” you’re simply feeling it, kickin’ back, relaxed, not bossing yourself around, no schedule.
If you’re “acting” then you’re busy, fired up, excited and completing things.
It can be really rough when you believe you should be in action, or you should be “being” and you’re out of balance to one side or the other.
If you’re in action too much: wreckless, tired, driven, workaholic, busy, no time, burned out, angry, frustrated, determined, mad at other people, yelling at the slow traffic, making mistakes.
If you’re being too much: lazy, unaccomplished, no gains, everything stays the same or gets worse, unproductive, fearful, careful, defensive, too much time (and wasting time).
One of the best ways to identify your stressful thoughts about either of these conditions is to picture that person who represents either “action” orientation, or “being” orientation, and judge the heck outta them.
This is not judging yourself–you got that going on already, massively even.
Just try judging someone else instead.
The man I was working with was frightened of his parent’s criticism, and also comparing himself to other chiropractors who were way successful.
I myself found many judgments of some of the master coach trainers I had encountered in the world. They seemed to be saying “get off your ass” all the time.
GO GO GO!
Being interested so deeply in internal freedom, I rebel against that sort of thing!
I also noticed judgments of people who do nothing, who complain about their same job but never leave it, people who want a spouse but never go out or try to meet anyone or go on dates, people who want a thriving practice but get scared about promoting themselves, people who are upset about making mistakes, people who say they want to lose weight, but doing examine their relationship with food or movement.
Oh where to begin?
The man I was working with knew that he had such anxiety about income that he never stopped thinking frantically of his need to be in action. And yet, he was becoming immobile.
Not uncommon, but crazy, right?
Let’s do The Work and see.
I know what I could “do” but it’s too hard, will take too long, will mean I have to take risks, that I could fail. And I hate HAVING to do something.
Is this true? Can you absolutely know that you’d feel better if you never had to try to get a single client in your life? Can you know it’s true that you’ll be worn out, that you’ll fail, or that you’d have a lot MORE fun sitting around your house in your PJs?
Are you sure it will take too long? That its overwhelming? Are you positive that quitting is best, right now? Do you really need to give up altogether?
AND are you sure that if you took the entire day off, without being on task for getting what you want….that you wouldn’t get it?
I remember only about 2 years ago, thinking…if I have to keep working like this to build a private practice, then maybe it’s not worth it.
Fortunately, I had The Work so I could question my thinking.
How do you react when you believe you MUST take action NOW, or that you can’t relax? How do you react when you watch those other successful people and you criticize their lifestyle?
When I think I must take action NOW and it’s stressful, I quit, I exit, I drop the whole thing…or I feel aggressive, furious, competitive.
But who would I be without the thought that I MUST take action, or that I MUST be in non-action?
“Do what you love, and the money will follow? The first part of this sentence is true.” ~ David Whyte
Almost hard to even imagine this experience of NOT having the thought that you must be active or being. You mean, I only have to do whatever I do? Nothing more? Nothing less?
Without the thought, I simply notice that there are consequences that happen, whether I’m in action or not.
I do a fabulous gymnastics move, I tear my hamstring, I go to a business networking meeting, I have fun talking with people, I post on facebook, people come to the dance, I spend an hour a day writing, more and more people read, I take my son to breakfast, we have a wonderful conversation.
This then that. Nothing 100% guaranteed.
I turn it all around: This is going to be easier than I thought, I’m going to succeed, I don’t HAVE to do anything.
I notice I love creating programs that help people (and me) understand the mind and stressful thinking, I notice I adore writing every day, I love working with people, I love leading workshops, I love watching a great movie, I love going out to breakfast, I love reading.
I love noticing what I love. My preferences. I’m action, then not. It all blends together with being, steadiness, quiet, gentleness, power.
Here is a great video about this, Katie doing The Work with a woman who believed her father forced her to complete household tasks.
What’s The Reality Of Pressure?
“Until I take responsibility, the world is my problem.” ~ Byron Katie
Much love, Grace