Even though I saw Star Wars when it first came out, all those years ago, and even though I’ve never seen it again, I still remember many fantastic scenes.
One of my favorite was the video message of Princess Leah saying “Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope!”
She’s strong, proud, and powerful.
It seemed in the story, to me, that perhaps….just maybe….good things were coming to the princess.
She was sending out a request, but who knows, maybe there was Other Hope alive there as well.
The adventure! It was ON!
The other day I was working with a young woman who feels entirely unsuccessful in finding a mate.
She feels good about her fun career, her capacity to earn money, her opportunities for adventure, the closeness of friends.
But darn it, that ideal relationship is elusive.
Many people consider parts of their lives like miserable failures, or disappointments.
This is an interesting exercise in questioning your thinking….to really examine that place where you feel like a dolt, like you’ve made mistakes.
Like you just don’t measure up compared to others. Maybe you’re mediocre when you hoped to rock the house.
You had dreams….but….YAWN.
Maybe you’ve completely blown it.
Take a moment right now and consider where in your life you have beenunsuccessful.
Have you been unsuccessful, or less than brilliant, in your career? In making money? In being free from addiction? In being normal weight? In finding that fabulous beloved partner? In finishing that creative project? In becoming enlightened?
Now…let’s do The Work on this idea, that you are Less Than Genius when it comes to this subject.
You know what Brilliance looks like, what Success looks like.
It’s over there…that person is successful in this area. Not me.
First of all, get really quiet and answer this question: Is it true that you are not successful in this most important, wonderful, significant area for you?
Are you sure you are not successful?
Yes Yes Yes! I know what my life would look like if I were successful! NOT LIKE THIS.
I’m a loser in this area. (I’m even a loser for thinking so self-critically, I should love myself, right?)
Hold it.
Slow it down and see, if it was only you who can give the Final Answer. (I can hear the game show host from Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and his voice saying IS THAT YOUR FINAL ANSWER?)
Is it true that you are unsuccessful in this arena you’re thinking about?
Yes or No are both fine. Just watch which one is actually true for you, it’s quite fascinating.
And now, next question….
…How do you react when you believe the thought that you are unsuccessful at “x”? What happens in that moment?
I used to feel so low, like the scum of the earth. A kind of heavy, flat weight, pulling me down to horizontal.
Acute depression. Bitter vicious stream of thought, calling myself names.
I ate food, lots of it, when I wasn’t hungry.
Then I’d feel worse. And numbly forget all about the original lack of success.
I wouldn’t even try to go succeed at whatever “x” was (for me it was having a fun, interesting job, earning money, connecting with others honestly, being real, saying “no”, finishing my book, sending my writing to publishers).
Why bother trying to change?
Look at all this evidence for my failure…..I had proof based on stories of the past.
I didn’t have The Work back then…but fortunately I had people in my life who were deeply encouraging, who reminded me of what I actually knew was really the truth….
….that I was successful in these areas.
Wait. What?
But. I don’t have a boyfriend! I don’t have a retirement account! I’m twenty pounds overweight! I binge eat! I need a job!
Yes, you read that correctly.
Who would you be if instead of thinking you are unsuccessful in this topic, that you are SUCCESSFUL.
Full of success. Capable, brilliant, sparkling, learning, growing, undefined, making course corrections, compassionate, kind to yourself, understanding, loving, waking up.
I notice that in every moment I’ve lived, I was always doing the best I could.
The critical mind tends to come in and quickly say “no you weren’t…you knew better…you should have done blah blah blah…”
But let yourself find examples of what you’ve learned, how you’ve been successful, how losing taught you something perhaps, how that intense experience supported you.
Even if you are a single person (and some part of you imagines it would be better to be in a relationship) see how you have been successful with who you are, with your experience.
How has it been of advantage to go slow, spend time alone, work extremely hard, be abandoned by that lover, not earn much money, not become a guru, be overweight, get sick, use drugs or alcohol?
Maybe when you stop riding yourself for your faults, you may find that the honest truth is that you’re peaceful with where you are in this moment with that apparently unsuccessful topic.
For me? I am so grateful for my under-earning, low, depressive, addictive, emotional reaction to life….
….because it all was a big fat wake up call.
It put me on this trajectory (the client said the same thing).
A humble learner. Someone going beyond their family traditions. Someone entering uncharted territory.
Someone living with the possibility of being joyful with What Is.
Maybe the entire way your life has gone is exactly the perfect path you’ve needed to find your freedom.
“You are your only hope, because we’re not changing until you do. Our job is to keep coming at you, as hard as we can, with everything that angers, upsets, or repulses you, until you understand. We love you that much, whether we’re aware of it or not. The whole world is about you.” ~ Byron Katie
If you have a hard time finding the advantages for past “failures”, or your current status, or your lack of freedom, or your not-quite-there yet….
….sit down and do The Work.
If it’s really hard, and you can’t imagine being your own only hope, you can join the upcoming two classes that start in September and get yourself some support to stay in inquiry: either the One Year Program (fantastic small group of genius inquirers) or the 8-week Relationship Hell To Heaven teleclass.
P.S. The One Year Program is filling: choose to join the teleclass, the teleclass plus solo sessions, or the teleclass/solo sessions AND in-person retreats. You may want to decide soon! Write with questions: grace@workwithgrace.com