Tag: david whyte

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Leaving everything you know behind, one thought at a time

There’s nothing like the gathering of people who come together to learn and do The Work.

Yesterday was Day #1 of the four day spring cleaning retreat. The rain drizzled, then pattered on the roof, with bright round pink, white, magenta rhododendrons drinking up the rain outside.

I could feel the excitement beforehand of meeting people I’ve never met before, seeing old friends come again to do The Work.

And so, we began at the beginning. Finding a moment we felt disturbed by. A time of trouble that when we think about it now, we’re still sad, sore, angry, confused.

Everyone had a situation. Everyone could find what they thought about it, answering the questions on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet that help us catch all the stressful, nasty, negative, terrifying, critical, frustrating, sad thoughts about just one situation.

We didn’t have to consider all of life, or everything we’ve ever been troubled by.

Only one situation.

You get to start with the one on top.

It doesn’t have to go fast. It doesn’t have to be too big a mouthful. It doesn’t have to be more than we can handle.

It can start where it starts. Just one moment in time you remember where that other person, thing, or place did something you didn’t like. It hurt.

It’s a wonderful way to not get overwhelmed, overstimulated, wildly full of expectation to change your entire world (or that whole relationship) and everything you’ve ever opposed (although you could be surprised by what happens, when you question just one situation).

The beauty I see and feel in the room, in everyone’s faces, when they begin this work together is so gorgeous. It reminded me once again of this profound poetry of David Whyte, read by him. The mystery of awakening.

Take a few minutes and listen today. Close your eyes.

Then, if something’s been bothering you, again….write it down. Ask four questions, turn it around.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Come do The Work at Breitenbush! I love this retreat. It’s amazing to settle into the summer Pacific Northwest forest. It’s an emerald green fairy land. The cabins are so toasty warm, heated by the natural springs (the entire place is run on heat and electricity generated by the water). The beds are cozy. It’s pitch dark at night. The food is amazing. And there are none of the usual distractions like TV or internet or noise to distract you. A deep sinking-in place to soak in The Work. And soak your body in the mineral waters in between sessions. Join me. Call soon to get lodging before it fills.

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leaving the story of I Can’t behind

While on retreat here with a beautiful assembly of those who have shown up to be together these three days, I’m struck by a thought someone mentioned our first day together.

I can’t eat whatever I want.

This tantrum shows up in so much more than food and eating.

I can’t DO whatever I want. I can’t BUY whatever I want. I can’t SEE whatever I want. I can’t TAKE whatever I want. I can’t HAVE whatever I want.

It’s like a deep cry of feeling limited, enraged, locked in by the circumstances of life or reality.

When we do it anyway, eat anyway, take anyway….even though there are consequences we don’t like….

….we may “win” just for a moment, but then we lose.

The frustration and fury and guilt gets ramped up even higher.

Yesterday, as our retreat group investigated together, someone became aware of a beautiful distinction I’ve heard before.

The body “can’t” eat everything….it’s the mind that wants to, and can.

What if you rested there?

What if, instead of following, like a zombie, the demands of mind saying you MUST eat, drink, do, have, see, take….even if there are horrible consequences (like being overweight, or going to jail, or harming something, or feeling ashamed)….

….you went ahead and let the mind have a hissy fit, and you let it run wild with imagination having everything it wants all by itself without dragging the body along?

Instead of saying “NO, don’t think about that!!” to yourself, in terror, what if you treated your thoughts like they were there for a reason, and doing the best they can (like a toddler)?

Everyone had a laugh imagining the mind getting to eat the entire box of cookies, or taking one bite of everything on display, or wolfing down the entire extra large chocolate bar.

Later as we walked around a nearby lake, in silence, as a part of a contemplative exercise during retreat, we took the question with us on our walk: who would you be, walking this path, without the belief you have an eating problem?

Who would we be, without the belief “I can’t have what I want, in this moment and it’s HORRIBLE!!?”

I notice, in this morning moment squares of bright sunlight shining through a curtain, on an avocado green wall. I hear the sound of air blowing through a vent. I see a dark magenta colored tassel hanging from a silver doorknob.

I feel the joy of the sweet day ahead in sharing with others the preciousness of inquiry, and my notes and curriculum on this little laptop.

Turning the thought around: I can have what I want, in this moment.

Could what is happening right now be good enough? Could what is present be supporting you? What if everything you ever thought you couldn’t get or have or eat or feel or be…..was available?

Is what I thought I wanted really the thing I want?

All I know is….all those times I ate and ate and ate actual food, it was never what I really wanted. I never felt satisfied, or happy, or thrilled, or joyful. It was never enough, it never hit the spot. It felt like “almost but not quite” or wildly far, to be honest, from what I really wanted.

What I really wanted was to feel “enough” and at the same time feel excited about what was unfolding….because life was indeed unfolding, constantly.

Even if this moment is filled with thoughts of “I can’t”….the body doesn’t have to take action.

I hear the words “Is It True?” and allow inquiry to fall into this moment, too.

What if I really did not know what I can or can’t have, or do, or say, or be? What if I have no clue? What if nothing is required, for this moment to be OK? What if “I can’t” is hilarious instead of hellish and frustrating? What if I can?

What if it doesn’t really ultimately matter, and I knew peace and joy were possible no matter what?

What if you left all your notions of what’s missing behind, if you left all your beliefs behind, like all these beautiful retreat attendees do at every meal, as we do The Work together on stressful beliefs like“I can’t….”?

Who would you BE without your story?
the true shape of your own face…David Whyte

Much love,

Grace

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The Good In Darkness

Where I live, it’s the shortest day of the year and the longest night.

Something cranks to a slower, slower, slower pace….

….and like a huge gigantic ball rolling, it comes to a pause.

Then, time to turn back again the other way.

The atmosphere is dark in the morning, dark at night. Lights are hung all about in the city, some people going a little more crazy than others.

OK, a lot more crazy. (Have you seen the house on such-and-such street with a scene so bright you’ll need sunglasses?)

I was going to write about jealousy today, because when I get at least three people writing me letters about a topic, and what to do about it, I know it’s time to visit that story.

But for the weekend, I give you this poem for now. Because it fits so well with the celebration of light, dark, returning, going away, moving in, moving out.

Maybe jealousy fits into all this as well.

Jealousy on Monday. OK?

Meanwhile…..in celebration of what is dark, remember this.

If you have the thought “it’s too dark” or “I want more light”….

….notice the turnarounds. Notice who you would be without the belief it should be brighter than it actually is in this moment.

Can you find an important reason it shouldn’t?

I can.

Out of the darkest seasons in my heart, like the death of a friend, addiction, cancer, father dying, a broken heart, change, house lost, money lost, neglect, sadness, grief, unhappiness….

….came the most exquisite light.

Totally unexpected. A surprise. Little things, little examples. Big examples. Freedom from control. Freedom from sleep. Awareness of this precious moment, right now.

See if you can also find benefits or advantages for why that darkness occurred in your life in the past.

It doesn’t mean you have to like it, not at all.

It’s only noticing the freedom when you question that it was a complete tragedy, something to fear, something to resist.

“When your eyes are tired the world is tired also. When your vision has gone no part of the world can find you. Time to go into the dark where the night has eyes to recognize its own. There you can be sure you are not beyond love. The dark will be your womb tonight. The night will give you a horizon further than you can see. You must learn one thing. The world was made to be free in. Give up on all other worlds except the one to which you belong. Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your aloneness to learn anything or anyone that does not bring you alive is too small for you. ” ~ David Whyte

Much love, Grace

 

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The Good In Darkness

One of the most astonishing lightbulbs that lit up for me on the inside when it came to self-inquiry was when I really *got* the idea of welcoming EVERYTHING in my life.

Not just good stuff. But bad stuff.

Especially the bad stuff.

In fact, the whole point of the re-orientation or this different new view is inviting the “bad” stuff.

Bring It On.

Wait. Seriously?

Yah. Doesn’t mean you have to be thrilled about it.

This is noticing how very difficult things, even acute suffering, have interesting teachings, surprise awareness, redirections that you never would have thought up all on your own, surrender that winds up being deeply liberating.

This is the goodness….or call it acceptance if “good” is a little too much for you….in darkness.

The gift of darkness.

“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift.” ~ Mary Oliver

Here’s where to start if you’re not so sure about this idea.

The Work.

Here is the thought. You really think it’s true:

“There is nothing good that came out of that horrible experience. When I got cancer, when I was involved with that jerk, when he left me, when she died, when she stabbed me in the back, when I made that awful decision.”

Is it true?

Pick only one troubling experience, not all of them at once. Just one.

Is it absolutely true that nothing, nothing, nothing good came from it?

No. (If you answered yes, keep going anyway).

How do you react when you believe nothing good came from that difficult time?

I spend a lot of energy making sure it never happens again. I’m afraid when I see the images of it repeating itself. I feel haunted. I’m anxious just walking around, when I remember it. I don’t sleep well. I can’t relax.

Take a deep breath. Pause a moment, with that memory that’s rough.

Now who would you be without the belief that absolutely nothing of benefit came from that experience?

I feel a possibility of relaxing. I might not relax all the way, instantly…but a peaceful pink colored light off in the distance, like the sunrise is over there.

I notice I’m breathing, alive. My heart beats. I have a pulse. I have a place to lie down. I have friends. The sky is shining. I maybe feel a thrill of interest inside, a ray of hope as they say.

Turning the thought around:

Something of great and profound benefit is coming out of that difficult experience.

What already has happened, that you could call a benefit? Even the tiniest thing?

Once you start, you may begin to find more, and more.

I had to make decisions for myself, completely independently, completely on my own….I took care of myself much better….I stopped worrying so much about perfect health all the time….I enjoyed time with friends….I became more honest and sincere and real….I discarded what wasn’t working in my life and asked for help….I felt power inside me that I never knew existed….I found love inside me at the deepest depths, no matter what was going on around me.

“The one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one’s freedoms is to choose one’s attitude in any given circumstance….

….What is to give light must endure burning.” ~ Viktor Frankl

Byron Katie says, if it’s a friendly universe, what is an example of the friendliness of your life, your experience, your reality even in those darker times?

This is not fakey-fake making up positive happy face stuff.

It’s being open to seeing if this could be true, and finding genuine examples of this, no matter how small.

Even if it’s hard.

You can do this.

If you are in the seat of being someone who really wants to take time in a small retreat of only ten people, this November…

…I have a very special opportunity for those in leadership, therapists, holistic practitioners, managers, those who might wrestle with darkness or others’ darkness whose intention is to find the friendliness, or the advantage, or the openness possible in dark experiences.

This is the Serenity Retreat: Using Darkness For Good.

I’ve mentioned it before, and now there are new logistics.

We will gather Tuesday, November 11th (an awesome power number day 11/11) through Thursday, November 13th. We will dive deeply into looking at prevailing darkness, what feels too hard…death, loss, illness, tragedy, fracture.

You’ll be surrounded in nurturing luxury. Breakfast, lunch, snacks and beverages are on me for all three days. You’ll only need to care for your own dinner two evenings, your choice, your time for self-care or connection with others. The venue is pure northwest elegance.

Our first evening together, we’ll have Cheri Huber (to be confirmed shortly), insightful meditation teacher and author of “There is Nothing Wrong With You”. She brings years of wisdom to difficult life events.

We’ll move with care and willingness through the inquiry process, the power of the small group holding our investigation steady when the mind would prefer distraction, escape.

We’ll stay.

Our second evening, November 12th, we’ll have the exceptional poet guide David Whyte with us.

All participants will leave with a new level of openness towards their darkest experience, their personal challenge, their greatest fear.

Everyone will have a road map of how to turn this experience around, how to live this openness to inviting in everything.

To feeling the upmost courage with anything that could happen.

We end in the afternoon of Thursday, November 13th at 3 pm to return to our families, clients, offices, communities, and roles as guides.

To apply, please click this link. You will be given detailed information about the cost and logistics. This is only a preliminary raised hand of your interest, you will not be obligated to attend or registered just yet.

Registration for this retreat Serenity: Using Darkness For Good will close on Monday, September 15th.

And even if this is not for you at this time…go within to that dark place and discover what is really true.

You may find a clearing, for a new delight.

THE GUEST HOUSE

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

~ Jelaluddin Rumi

Much Love, Grace

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When I Started The Work, It Made Me Sick

Last night a wonderful group of people showed up to do The Work, rain pounding like it hardly ever does in Seattle.

The kind of rain where you can’t go from your door to the mailbox, you have to wait it out. Unless you don’t mind getting so wet, it’s like you were sprayed with a garden hose.

This meetup format I’ve been doing only a little bit now (this was the third time) is really interesting, and fun. People with every range of experience come to find out what The Work could be all about.

Like, what’s the fuss, anyway?

Because of talking with people regularly who are very new to The Work, I remembered my own journey with it more deeply last night.

And my resistance to it….but oddly fascinated at the same time.

It was a lot longer journey than you might think.

First, there was seeing the book Loving What Is in a bookstore and waiting until it came out in paperback.

Then, there was finally reading it.

Around that time, either during or after reading Loving What Is, there was the discovery that Byron Katie was coming to Seattle, my home town.

She would be in a huge hall downtown in the Seattle Center, for two full days, a Saturday and a Sunday.

I signed up.

I remember when I entered on Saturday morning, someone handed me a red rose. I didn’t go with anyone I knew. My usual approach to things. Just sign up and go on my own. I never wanted to talk to anyone else if it was something I was seriously contemplating or wanting to understand.

(Still like that a lot of the time).

I took a seat amidst a huge crowd, sort of towards the back left side, facing the stage in the distance. On every seat was a blank Judge Your Neighbor worksheet and one of those little pencils.

I stared at this worksheet.

What do I write about?

In some ways, there’s so much I’m upset with, in other ways, it’s just a few key terrible incidents and situations.

Where do I begin?

Katie said something about picking one person I was very upset with.

Visions of ME floated through my head. It was so hard, it seemed, to think of other people I felt upset with and actually write those secret, horrible thoughts down on paper.

Aren’t I trying to forget all about those thoughts?

Katie said to write about something terrible that happened, something difficult, an argument.

I wrote about an abortion I had, only a year previously. I considered it the most horrible thing I had ever gone through, the inner war, the sick stomach, the indecision, the self-hatred.

My hand was shaking as I wrote. I could only write one, short, crisp sentence for every question on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet. I wrote almost the same thing, repeatedly.

(A few years later, I was writing first drafts of JYNs with an entire page for every question, which I then carefully combed through for understanding and clarity, and then wrote a “final” shorter JYN).

Then Katie said “turn to the person next to you and read your Judge Your Neighbor worksheet to them out loud”.

Wait. What??!

I came alone for a reason! I came alone on purpose! It’s called Not Talking To Anybody!

My head started getting hot.

I read the worksheet to a total stranger man who was about ten years younger than me. He nodded and was very accepting and kind. His worksheet was on his girlfriend.

But an hour later, my throat was hurting. I took ibuprofen. My ears were ringing. It felt like I was getting a fever.

I was.

I didn’t hear much more that day.

But I went back Sunday morning. With a fever of 103, with tylenol and ibuprofen coursing through my system. I did not want to miss the second day. I wanted to understand.

I could hardly speak.

Katie asked who would like to do The Work. There was no way in hell I would ever have raised my hand. Certainly not in that condition, with a fever and pounding ears.

And then a woman, far across the room, standing up so everyone could see her, holding a microphone (!) began to read her worksheet.

I am horrified with myself because I had an abortion. I want to un-do the entire thing. I shouldn’t have done it, I shouldn’t have gotten pregnant….

My back, arms and legs were shaky and my head and ears were burning, my body chilled. I held my head in my two hands, propping it up like it weighed 800 pounds.

I don’t even remember what the woman looked like, but I heard Katie facilitate her through one thought, as she stood and answered the four questions in front of all those people.

Then I got up, and left at the next break, and drove home.

It seemed like nothing happened for me on the inside, around “getting” what this was all about, about inquiring into one’s thinking.

All I could do was to go to bed and sleep until the next day.

But I didn’t realize that it was the beginning of an absolute transformation in my inner world, my perception of all of reality. It was the beginning of true forgiveness, of realizing that my thoughts and presence are not unique, or separate…and that I was innocent.

Out of all those people in that huge auditorium, that woman who stood up and read what she was most ashamed of was the very same as me.

Turned out, I didn’t have to raise my hand, finish the event, meet anyone, make any new friends, or even feel well.

I got what I needed, anyway.

“Eventually, realization is experienced automatically, as a way of life. Peace and joy naturally, inevitably, and irreversibly make their way into every corner of your mind, into every relationship and experience. The process is so subtle that you may not even have any conscious awareness of it. You may only know that you used to hurt and now you don’t.” ~ Byron Katie

It took a little more time before I actually spoke with anyone about questioning one’s thinking and doing The Work, and then more time before I went to The School.

That’s the way it went for me. One little step at a time.

Like the light getting turned up brighter, brighter, brighter. So slowly, I didn’t even realize it until one day, I looked around and was astonished.

And although I’ve shared this before…for some reason, it’s time to share it again.

Sit for four minutes with me, and listen (click the link right below). You can do it, even if it makes you feverish and sick. Questioning your beliefs can show you what is really true for you.

It’s good.

Click here: Leave Everything You Know Behind

Much Love,

Grace

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Could This Bad News Be Good?

It was very late on a Sunday night. My house was extremely quiet. Only the sound of the baseboard heater turning on and off occasionally filled the living room with a low hum.

I was making my second cup of tea. I was nervous, and my mind packed to the brim with thoughts of an anxious nature.

Wondering….what if? How about…? 

I was deep into the process of separation and divorce, but it all seemed fairly new. Like a sharp right turn was taken in the road when I expected the landscape to be flat and smooth.

My house was sometimes completely empty, like that Sunday, when beforethis change, on any given Sunday night there were my two children, my (former) husband, maybe even more children, nieces and nephews all sleeping in various rooms and formations throughout the house.

For the entire weekend, at that time many years ago, I had been alone in the house. And, for that entire weekend, I had been out of touch with a man I was newly dating.

I had texted, called, emailed. No response.

Unusual, I thought….and yet, I also hadn’t even been involved with this person for very long. So what was “usual”?

But I had a feeling of great unrest.

  • he’s with someone else
  • he doesn’t care about me
  • I am getting abandoned (again)
  • I can’t handle this
  • I am completely, fundamentally, alone

I slept horribly that night.

The next day, this man did indeed let me know that he had been with someone else and spent the night with her.

We had no agreement, rules, plans, expectations or conditions for this “relationship”. I couldn’t even say it WAS a relationship.

And yet….I felt nauseated, grief-stricken, exhausted and disappointed to a depth I could hardly fathom.

I also knew how to do The Work and question my thinking, and enlist support to do so.

I called in sick to my job, called up one of my dearest friends who facilitated The Work, and asked for her to facilitate me. I also arranged for 3 other people to facilitate me every two hours for that entire day.

I got to work. I wanted to know the truth for myself. I didn’t understand why my pain was so deep, despairing and intense.

Is it true, that he shouldn’t have been with someone else?

Yes, yes, yes. I felt like sobbing, I was so disappointed.

But could I absolutely know that it was true, that he shouldn’t have been with someone else? That he should have called me sooner? That he should have told me he was interested in other people?

No. I can see how I wanted the world to line up so that I wouldn’t be sad, upset, or rejected. Ever.

And I could not absolutely know what was right for me, what was best for my future. I could not know what was best for him, or for his life. I couldn’t even know that him spending a weekend doing whatever he wanted to do MEANT that he was rejecting me, that he didn’t care about me, or that I couldn’t handle it.

I mean…jeez. I had so much wrapped up in his behavior and how BAD it was for me…but I had no idea that it WAS bad for me, really.

So I didn’t know if it was true that he shouldn’t have done that.

How did I react?

Like it was the worst thing ever. Like I got punched in the stomach. I took it very, very personally.

Until I considered who I would be without the thought that he shouldn’t have spent his weekend the way he did?

Without the thought?

Holy Moly! I was sooooo free. Open, curious about whatever was next. Ready to see what happened. Clear. Noticing what works for me, and what doesn’t. Noticing my preferences with joy. Happy for him.

Excited.

I turned the thought around “he should have been with someone else this weekend”.

I got to become aware of my mind that was so damn sure I was being abandoned, not cared about, unable to handle this, and deeply, fundamentally alone.

I am set free, I am cared for and loved, I can handle this, I am not alone.

Could all these things be as true, or truer?

Yes.

In those moments of doing The Work, I was sharing intimately with the most fabulous people, I was handling my situation very well indeed, (I was surviving it for sure), I loved myself with all my heart, I had the beauty of silence and a sense of magical energy all around me, full of possibility.

If you’ve ever felt the fear and pain in heartbreak, I hope you can find this also to be true: everything is waiting for you.

The books, the dresser, the silence, the faucet with water pouring out, the telephone with friends asking powerful questions through it, The Work, the bathtub, the tea cup, the wooden floor, the roof, the air all around….

….the future is waiting for you.

That should have happened.

Because look what is here all around me, in this present moment.

Heaven.

Everything is Waiting for You

Your great mistake is to act the drama
as if you were alone. As if life
were a progressive and cunning crime
with no witness to the tiny hidden
transgressions. To feel abandoned is to deny
the intimacy of your surroundings. Surely,
even you, at times, have felt the grand array;
the swelling presence, and the chorus, crowding
out your solo voice. You must note
the way the soap dish enables you,
or the window latch grants you freedom.
Alertness is the hidden discipline of familiarity.
The stairs are your mentor of things
to come, the doors have always been there
to frighten you and invite you,
and the tiny speaker in the phone
is your dream-ladder to divinity.

Put down the weight of your aloneness and ease into
the conversation. The kettle is singing
even as it pours you a drink, the cooking pots
have left their arrogant aloofness and
seen the good in you at last. All the birds
and creatures of the world are unutterably
themselves. Everything is waiting for you.

  — David Whyte

Much love, Grace