Tag: craving love

Yesterday I created a webinar and lots of people attended…. although I have no idea how many were still online by the end of the 90 minutes it took for me to go through my slides.

(Here’s the link to listen to the recording. Sit down with a pen and paper to take some notes….I share some of the tools I love that helped me become peaceful with food for the past several decades).

Click Here to Listen

I’d love feedback.

Really.

And have you ever noticed a part of you that doesn’t want feedback for something you’ve offered?

“No…don’t give me any feedback. I don’t wanna know, actually. I only want compliments. I don’t want REAL feedback, I want approval.”

Ha ha!

That’s the voice of the one who feels empty sometimes.

The other day, in the Year of Inquiry (YOI) group, we looked at the thought “that person should tell me where I stand!”

Oh the pain, the agony, the wondering, the hand-wringing.

What do they think of me?

I asked one wonderful inquirer in our group….if you knew that what the person thinks of you is BAD….would you still want to know where you stand?

She replied YES.

It is interesting how some part of us just wants to know, so we can make our plans, lick our wounds, move on, make a decision, envision the future, close a door on the past.

But inside, I noticed that what I REALLY REALLY would love, really really, if I were to know where I stand with someone, was that I was appreciated, loved, and accepted.

I don’t really like the idea of knowing someone’s honest belief was that I was stupid, boring, ridiculous, good-for-nothing, worthless.

At least, under the surface for me, it seems like it’d be better to find approval, love, attention, and attraction from others rather than disapproval, hate, dismissal and repulsion.

But what a great thing to question.

Receiving loving attention is better than receiving strong criticism.

Is that true?

Yes. Duh! Haven’t you studied psychology? Have you noticed what humans do when they don’t receive enough loving attention?

How about the monkeys they did experiments on in the 1970s where researchers gave some baby monkeys metal fake monkey mothers who gave them no attention, while other baby monkeys were placed in cages with real monkey mothers?

The baby monkeys with real monkey mothers were MUCH HAPPIER! I rest my case!

Are you positively sure?

Yes! Critical comments, people saying “ewww that sucked” or people saying “listening to you was a waste of my time” or metal monkeys that sit there and don’t snuggle or interact….

….these really don’t seem as fun. Heh heh.

How do I react when I believe praise and whatever-I-think-love-looks-like is MUCH better than criticism and people turning away, or saying “hurtful” things?

I want to hide. Give up.

I want to get away from people. I don’t feel connected. I question the point of living. I want to escape. I start thinking about watching the next Breaking Bad episode, or that maybe I’ll get a day job.

Many people console themselves with food, smoking, drinking, sexual stimulation of some kind, drugs, projects, work, cleaning, facebooking, distraction, avoidance.

Many people feel shame, embarrassment, like it’s their fault they’ve generated a “negative” response inside someone.

Only positive responses should be coming their way.

Otherwise…..bad bad person. Unworthy.

But who would you be if you couldn’t even think that receiving praise, attention, words or gestures of attraction, interest, love, approval, gifts, smiles….

….who would you be if you didn’t think these things were better than receiving criticism, judgment, disinterest, rejection, anger, hate, disapproval, dismissal, frowns?

Weird, right?

So hooked up to like the love stuff better than the hate stuff. Hee hee. Of course!

But without the belief that it’s truly, deeply, horrifically worse to receive “negative” feedback….

….I feel so open.

Surrendered, in a good and beautiful way.

Ready, willing, learning, aware. It’s like the juiciest gift to hear the real perceptions of people. The most fascinating thing. No need to run whatsoever. No need to hide.

It saves a lot of energy, and frantic reacting. There is peace present, a most incredible peaceful energy, glowing from the center of me.

The energy passes right through me, and out the other side. It rises like a wave, and recedes back down.

“If somebody says something that we don’t like, obviously our resistance won’t stop them from having said it. What we’re really resisting is the experience of the event passing through us. We don’t want it affecting us inside…..Eventually you’ll see that this resistance is a tremendous waste of energy. Events are not problems, they’re just events. Your resistance to them is what causes the problem.” ~ Michael Singer

Without the belief that love is better than hate in my mind, I notice love is here anyway, not hate.

There was nothing to worry about.

Even hate seems like it’s a piece of love, maybe distorted a little (or a lot). It has caring in it, interest, passion.

And I honestly notice, there is none of that flowing around me, anywhere at the moment.

Turning the thought around: Receiving strong criticism is better than receiving loving attention.