Something came up in Summer Camp just yesterday.
One of my most favorite discoveries within about The Work.
It’s this: The Work is not a passive experience. It’s not a way to try to force yourself to feel peace, or love, when you don’t.
In other words, doing The Work doesn’t mean you lie down on the floor, figuratively or in real life, and go mute or say nothing or hide your feelings or become despondent in the presence of people, places, incidents or things you find uncomfortable.
Doing The Work doesn’t mean….
…”it’s fine. I don’t care what happens. I am completely at peace all the time 24/7. That’s enlightenment, right?”
This is what people object to when they do The Work on very stressful beliefs and turn it around without close reflection and attention.
For example.
You turn it around, flipping it to the opposite in two shakes of a lamb’s tail: “he did NOT abuse me” AND “I abused him” AND “I abused myself”.
YEAH, that’s right. I’m the loser culprit who can’t calm down and *think* without violence. I attracted it to me. I brought it on.
It must be me.
YEAH, I’m wrong. I’ve been mistaken. He did NOT abuse me.
It must be me.
YEAH, I’m wrong again. I abused him. My brain is full of voodoo lazer-sharp thoughts aimed in his direction. I wasn’t kind, or loving, or gentle enough from the start. I thought he could be something other than what he could be. I had too high expectations.
It must be me.
HONNNNNKKKKKK!!!!! Did you hear the loud bear-scaring emergency alert horn?
The Work is not about swinging the pendulum to the opposite side of your reactions, and finding fault with yourself, or feeling despair.
You were probably doing that already. Fault with them, fault with you. Trying to find blame.
The Work, I find, is much deeper than this.
But let’s start at the very beginning.
You have a thought someone is “x” and it feels stressful (abusive, obsessive, demanding, mean, dismissive, cruel).
You’re afraid, when you think of this person. Something inside feels threatened.
(I notice I do not feel overwhelming stress, or stress that fills my view, if I do not personally feel threatened, even in very difficult situations involving anger, grief, sadness or violence. Just saying.)
The very first question in The Work is “is your thought true?”
You get to answer the question for yourself. No one else answers it.
There is no “supposed to” about the answer being “no”. You are not better off or more spiritual if you answer “yes” or if you answer “no”.
I once read Byron Katie commenting about this question “is it true”?
Well. Let’s say you don’t. LOL.
I like leaving that answer open, for myself, so I can look gently and see what’s really accurate for me in any situation, at any time, during my lifetime.
I wouldn’t want to bypass or abort the process of inquiring with this amazing mind. I want to actually sit with what I notice my inner answer is, for me.
So is your thought true? (Like from my example “he abused me”).
Maybe your answer is “YES”.
Maybe it’s just not efficient communication when you’re with that person, or you always feel weird and scared, and you get confused, and they seem confused, and no one is really happy when you’re in each other’s presence.
What an excellent person to do The Work on, since they’re bringing you an objection with reality. And you don’t have to be in their presence to do it.
I once had someone come to me to do The Work.
He had seven (yes, seven) second-opinions of his mental health diagnosis of bi-polar and manic-depression. (A little manic with the second opinions).
Back then, I tried just a little too long. I wanted to “help”.
If I was completely honest instead of trying to rescue and make it look perfect and right on the outside (in my opinion) then I would have referred him to a psychologist or psychiatrist. It had been recommended he take anti-anxiety meds. He was refusing. I was not the expert who knew how to handle it. He couldn’t really follow along with The Work. He even said The Work made him more anxious.
It was simply true, at that time, that he needed some kind of other help that wasn’t mine.
Because that’s what happened, no matter what I was thinking or doing.
“You’re supposed to feel peaceful all the time, in every situation, with every person.”
Is it true?
No!
Some places, people and situations might give you the creeps! Or not be your job!
If someone said “here’s an airplane, time to get in the pilot’s seat and fly!” I’d look at them like they were a little off, because I have no idea how to fly an airplane.
It would not be true that I need to get in the pilot’s seat and start the engine!
Doing The Work, I find, is for my own sake. It’s to come to clarity, joy, peace, acceptance, forgiveness, calm, surrender….in situations that are actually almost always OVER.
(Well….always over….drop the “almost”).
So my mind is just catching up with reality.
Reality, it turns out, has already made it clear, joyful, peaceful, accepting, forgiving, calm, surrendered and silent.
Am I able to notice this, and go in that direction?
That direction may mean packing your bags, and leaving a house where you notice fights break out and you get physically hurt over and over again. That direction may mean saying “no, I won’t get together with you” with someone who is very insistent, and appears panicked. That direction may look like breaking up with a partner, or getting together with one. It may look like quitting a job.
Who would you be right now in this moment without your story of the past, noticing what you notice with your senses and your body and your mind and your heart?
“Until you can see the enemy as a friend, your Work is not done. This doesn’t mean that you have to invite your enemy to dinner. Friendship is an internal experience. You may never see the person again, you may even divorce him or her, but as you think about the person, are you feeling stress or peace?” ~ Byron Katie
Much love,
Grace