Tag: children

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My child shouldn’t be this way (+ spring and summer inquiry gatherings)

Before inquiry, two things.

First, spring retreat has a nice little group of people ready to work together online May 14-17. You can sign up for parts, or all, of the retreat. Six segments in total. Come to one or all. Everyone will get the chance to do their own work in the supportive climate of being with others.

To look up spring retreat schedule and understand more about the daily program during May retreat, visit this page HERE.

 

Second, I heard from the program director at Breitenbush. The June 2-7 Breitenbush Hotsprings Resort Retreat in Oregon that I’m co-facilitating with the good Tom Compton is (hooray) on the schedule for in-person retreat, inquiry and rest. Breitenbush is re-opening for business on May 8th. They’ll have plenty of time to prepare for us.

 

We already have a good sized group registered….but because it’s been so weird, I wasn’t sure what to say, do, or announce in advance on this one, you know? How bizarre.

 

Because of the strange uncertainty, we’re extending our early bird sign-up to May 7th and letting you know right now “Wow! This is probably happening!”

 

This may be the first time some of us leave the house since the covid descended. That will be true for me, most likely. Here where I live in the state next door to where  Breitenbush is located, Washington state, they’ve just announced we’re moving out of lockdown on May 18th.

 

The good news is, full refunds will be given with no hidden fees of any kind if there is any cancellation or extension of the current facility closure to protect from the virus.

 

NOTE: We may have a separate online version of the retreat if anything happens with the covid thing and we’re not meeting in person. ALSO, we’ll be teaching in early December 3-6, 2020 again at Breitenbush and that retreat is already taking reservations. Basically, any changes, there will be no penalty, and you can even switch your participation to the December event instead.

 

Come one, come all, for an amazing adventure of this in-person retreat where Tom and I co-pilot a deep dive into self-inquiry with The Work.

 

I’m looking forward to the deep breath of pristine, clean, glorious air at Breitenbush….and knowing ultimately it will happen when reality decides.

 

I’m planning on being there June 2nd.
If you’re drawn to participate, we hope knowing the full refund offered if it’s cancelled will make you feel comfortable calling Breitenbush now and signing up to get a good spot for lodging.

 

Reality will show us the way of the future. Exciting!

 

To read more about the retreat, visit here. It is best to call Breitenbush at 503-854-3320 to choose your lodging and confirm your stay. They’ll help you get your questions answered.

 

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So. I’ve heard from many people in this time of togetherness all-the-time for quite a few folks that some of their family members are driving them bonkers.

 

Another friend shared with me the domestic violence cases have risen fairly dramatically.

 

Yikes.

 

Lots of time together in each other’s space without lots of distance can make whatever was there already bloom a bit.

 

Or OK, explode.

 

If you’ve had the belief “they should be different!!!” you’ll know what I mean.

 

In the past few months, I’ve learned some things from one of my young adult children that was totally unexpected.

 

This child of mine, no longer a child because age 25 is an adult, wants to be called by pronouns they/them.

 

I had heard of this, been aware of the transgender movement, known young people going by they/them who were friends of my kids.

 

But once it was up front and close, it felt so personal.

 

Such odd thoughts came to mind, they seemed so dramatic. I surprised myself in my own reactions.
  • this is tragic
  • my child is destroying their future
  • I can’t do it
  • it’s so sad
  • I didn’t do a good job as a parent instilling confidence  in what you’re born with
  • my child won’t get a job
  • why would anyone do this?
Sigh.
It felt almost heart-breaking to hear all these thoughts and have all the images of the future, and sadness for the “easier” past.
What did I know to do, when I woke up in the middle of the night thinking “OMG! I have to write a letter immediately!!”
Then I knew….it’s not a letter I ‘have to’ write….as if my words sent to my child will change their mind forever and make it all go away.
[Thanks for explaining it all to me, mom, you’ve nailed it, filled in the blanks, told me the truth, and now I am no longer depressed or upset–LOL].

No, not a letter.

A worksheet.

Always start with a worksheet.

I am upset with my child because…..

Is it true?

Can I absolutely know this being is ruining his/her/their life? Making it harder?

Can I know it’s really “sad”?

Who would I be without my story?

Wow.

Can I actually turn this around and sit with the idea and awareness that this is revolutionary in a brilliant way?

Yes, I could.

Without my story of this as a tragedy, I see my child is alive, contemplative, seeking, reporting having a bit of an existential crisis, concerned about humanity, gender roles, sexism, violence and the earth getting destroyed.

The person they’re becoming is unexpected, fascinating, and very thoughtful. Fluid.

If this is FOR me rather than AGAINST me….I noticed it has little to do with me.

I remember well my own life at 25. Crushing depression, also angry at gender and other societal expectations and roles. Going through a horrible eating disorder (thinking disorder).

Learning. Getting pushed into realization, despite or because of my extreme thinking.

Turning my story around:

  • this is incredible
  • my child is creating their future
  • I can do it
  • it’s so exciting
  • I didn’t do a good job parenting myself by instilling confidence in what I was born with–especially at age 25!
  • my child has a job–to be free in this world
  • Why would I do this (think of this situation as horrible)?

It only took about 48 hours and then returning to some new stressful thoughts to find peace, and even….joy and extreme curiosity (and there still may be more thoughts, and that’s OK).

My thinking should be different, not my child. My child should be exactly the way they are. 

This being is “my” child.

Who would I be without this story?

Much love,
Grace
P.S. It really will be fun to see you and look at our very painful frightening thinking…like the kind that kept me up at night…either online in May, or in person in June. Who knows what fun horizons we can head into. The Great Unknown.
Spring Online Retreat info here.
June Breitenbush Retreat info here.
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Parent Driving Panic

Many years ago, on a quiet weekday afternoon, I was exhausted with sleep-deprivation, having a two year old toddler girl and a five year old son who had just started kindergarten.

My daughter went down for a nap. I rushed around picking up things off the floor then making my way to my bedroom to lie down, for just a little while.

This unusual day…I fell asleep in the silent house. The phone never rang, I didn’t get involved in some project, I didn’t start paying bills.

I woke with a start and sat up. The afternoon light didn’t look right.

Because normally, I have to get my daughter in the car and go fetch my son at school when the light is still bright, mid-afternoon light. My son comes out at a set time every day. There’s a spot for parents in cars. Some days, I carpool or other parents drive.

But Thursdays, I always go get my son.

In the very still, dense, quiet afternoon…I grasp that I had fallen asleep.

OMG! What time is it??!!

I was supposed to be there NOW. It would take me 30 minutes to drive there.

Have you ever driven from here to there filled with anxiety because you absolutely have to be there already?

I wish I had The Work or a way to have investigated what was true and what was not true at that time, with my small children.

Back then, I thought it was an EMERGENCY that I was so late.

My son Ben was only 5, he didn’t have a cell phone, I had no way to contact the teacher, I didn’t even know how to contact the school when the bell had already rung.

I put myself in my son’s little shoes and knew he would probably go to the pick up place and stand there.

My hand gripped the wheel and images reeled through my head of him being led away by an unsavory adult…of him crying as all the kids and buses and teachers left him standing alone….of him being abandoned.

I was sick to my stomach, in heavy thick traffic. Every driver went at the pace of a turtle. My heart was popping out of my throat.

Turning the corner into the sight of the pick up area, I saw his little purple coat, and him standing with his hood up, very still, both hands to his sides with his yellow lunch sack in one hand and his back pack that looked enormous on his small back.

I jumped out of the drivers seat of my car and I’m sure my face looked wild with apology.

Ahhh yes, if only I had The Work.

Because when I look back, my son Ben was actually PERFECTLY FINE.

He wasn’t maimed, injured, desperate, frightened.

I asked him “Were you worried? I am so, so, sorry. Mommy is so, so sorry.”

A little worried mommy. 

I look back and see the teaching and the learning, passed along so innocently. 

Now is the moment to think you were abandoned, that mom was unreliable, that you were let down….that mom is very sorry…and now that I’ave arrived you discover all is well, and you are relieved.  

Who would I be without the thought that falling asleep, not waking up, being late, that Ben standing alone for 25 minutes without me picking him up….was terrible, was all my fault….and was all something I should have avoided and that he hated?

Now it’s 15 years later. I still think about that moment with sorrow. Except NOW, today, as the image flashes through my mind….I pause.

I say “Is that all true?” 

No. No idea.

Was that a dangerous situation? Not really. Was it outrageous that I was so unreliable? No.

Who would you be without the thought that you need to GET THERE NOW, and it appears….you can’t.

Even if the situation is much more serious or critical than mine.

You might actually be present during the drive, instead of so freaked out that all you remember is the gripped steering wheel.

Who would you be without the thought that there was a mistake, in the past?

Especially with your young child, who may be much older now (or not)?

“Pain is the signal that you’re confused, that you’re in a lie….You are the solution to the problem–your apparent problem. No mother or son has ever done harm. We’re dealing with confusion here, that’s all. Through this work, we come to realize that.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace