Tag: Byron Katie

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That Annoying Person Should Change

There are many spiritual and philosophical traditions that encourage humans to “take responsibility” for themselves.

What does this actually mean? I am “taking” the blame, duty, liability, charge, burden, accountability for my life for myself.

The word “taking” shows that I could leave responsibility out there on another person, events, the weather, my parents, the way I grew up…..in fact it’s almost like that’s where responsibility naturally is perceived to be—out there. That’s why I have to take it.

The odd thing is, in doing The Work or any form of self-inquiry, in reading many spiritual traditions and teachings, the more we take responsibility for our lives, the more there seems to be a murky line about where I end and the rest of the world begins.

In fact, I begin to see how wherever I go, whatever I see, whomever I’m interacting with…..there I am, present right in that situation. It’s like I’m a part of the universe all the time, everywhere.

(This reminds me of Dr. Hew Len, teacher of ho’oponopono from an ancient Hawaiian spiritual practice. He told me once during a workshop how he noticed that everywhere he ever went in the world, when there was a problem, there was one common denominator—HE was there).

Debbie Ford wrote a wonderful book called Spiritual Divorce in which she writes about taking full and complete responsibility for her attraction, her marriage, and her divorce with her former husband.

It was a spiritual wake-up call, she says for taking responsibility for herself instead of blaming her partner.

So here I am willing and able to take responsibility for myself and my responses to the universe and the people in it, and I see some people in the world who are annoying, who have personality traits I don’t like or find repulsive.

I write down all the things I find most annoying about them. How I think that person should change. This is my list, on paper, of what is here that is unpleasant that I get to investigate. I expose my judgments. They are there anyway, so might as well admit it and take a look.

  • she is so sugary sweet and laughs way too often
  • she can’t stop talking
  • she is so superficial and talks about really boring things in life
  • she’s very negative, she complains too much
  • she is scared, needy, and clingy
  • I wish she would stop singing, whistling, babbling on

Taking responsibility doesn’t mean I now rip myself to shreds for being judgmental.

I see that annoying person, and I ask myself what is it in ME that is seeing this behavior, those words, that way of being as annoying? Can I watch it and look at it and see what else I’m believing?

I listened recently to Byron Katie doing the Work with a woman who was very annoyed with one of her friends. Katie asks the woman, who would you be without the thought that your friend is boring, negative, fearful, annoying or full of complaints?

Who would I be if I looked, without all the judging? If I didn’t think “I need to get away from her! I need to avoid spending time with her! She’s not that great a friend!”

I would see that this woman is being herself, and when I’m listening to her I’m afraid she will never stop talking. I am scared of her neediness, I’m scared of my own falseness when I see her, and my resistance to her. I think I should be helping out, I should be nicer. I’m afraid to speak up, thinking she will be hurt, and then I will be hurt. I’m stuck. I’m sad that this woman feels so worried, frantic, and makes so much noise. I’m sad she’s not able to relax. I’m sad thatI am not able to relax around her!

I see how this annoying person should not change until I step up and take responsibility for how I feel in her presence. She is showing me what I am scared of in the world, what I think I can’t handle. She is showing me where I forget my sense of humor, compassion, and kindness, which are so much more natural for me than being annoyed.

“You are your only hope, because we’re not changing until you do. Our job is to keep coming at you, as hard as we can, with everything that angers, upsets, or repulses you, until you understand. We love you that much, whether we’re aware of it or not. The whole world is about you.”~Byron Katie 

Love, Grace

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Choose Your Poison

The mind is funny. The other day I had the image appear (among thousands that pop in and out all day long) of one cowboy saying to another cowboy in an old wild west bar, with a gravelly voice, “greetings friend….choose your poison“. They are calling all the available liquor choices “poison”. The choice will be made which one to drink, and then they’ll sit together and talk.

The dictionary defines poison as a substance that is harmful, impairs health. Something with an inherent property of destruction to life.

There’s something defiant and totally transparent about naming the alcohol “poison”. Humorous. Not afraid, aware of what’s going on. Simple.

What is tricky is when there are other substances or much more subtle agreements about the poison we’re all going to choose to drink together and we think we’re defiant and full of laughter about it….but it’s not all that amusing.

Some of these all-group lets-join-together and drink the poison are broad beliefs like these:

  • having a young, thin, physically fit body is best
  • making lots of money is extremely important
  • finding a mate or partner or love will make me happy
  • working on oneself for improvement is vital to a better life
  • spiritual enlightenment is the best goal anyone could have

Any one of these can feel very positive, exciting, and adventurous. But when we believe they are 100% absolutely true and that I have to be the one choosing it, then holding any of these beliefs can be harmful….can destroy openness, mystery.

Believing these with all our might can actually impair our ability to have an incredible, magical relationship with the universe.

Spiritual beliefs and beliefs about how to live a good life can feel safe and comfortable, but it’s amazing that even these, if written down on paper, can be easily questioned.

I remember when I first realized that I couldn’t be sure of anything being true when it came to God, Spirit, Source, the Universe, or spiritual beliefs or principles of any kind.

Pretty frightening. You mean, nothing is certain? I can’t be sure of any clear answers? I don’t really LIKE the empty feeling, I don’t really like how unknown it all is.

“Even the most benevolent, exalted beliefs just separate us from the mysetry of life as it is. The more you set aside your beliefs and encounter life directly, without argument or struggle, the more you discover a natural responsiveness that’s inherently gentle, loving, and ethical and doesn’t require a spiritual worldview to maintain.”~Stephan Bodian

There is an “I” here that seems like me that wants to say that if I give up all seeking and confess that there is no definitive answer about anything, that I’ll be selfish and self-centered, or despairing and unhappy.

Look again at what you imagine is the worst that could happen if you Don’t Know for sure about anything.

What if you don’t choose any poison? Or what if you choose but you don’t really drink it, you just let it set on the table right in front of you and then go on about your conversations. Or…even if you drink it, you notice that the effect wears off and you’re back to I-don’t-know. (You can bounce around there, drinking and having it wear off over and over if you choose).

It seems like this is the experience of everyone. Nothing Absolute.  Many flavors.

“The Tao is infinite, eternal. Why is it eternal? It was never born; thus it can never die. Why is it infinite? It has no desires for itself; thus it is present for all beings. The Master stays behind; that is why she is ahead. She is detached from all things; that is why she is one with them. Because she has let go of herself, she is perfectly fulfilled.” ~ Tao te Ching #7

See if you can stay with the Unknown and be with it. Find out if it’s safe. See for yourself if the mysterious universe is loving and friendly. No rules.

And by the way, I like that others have had life-shifting experiences and that they have described them as Friendly. We can remember this when the going gets tough and we need a little comfort. It helps us continue to question it all.

Byron Katie says  she found out that when she believed her thoughts, she suffered, and when she didn’t believe her thoughts, she felt peace. That’s why I love questioning everything, and not choosing ANY poison.

Love, Grace

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I Need To Help Someone

Emergency!! My friend is very depressed, suicidal even, using a lot of alcohol. I need to help her! Another friend is suffering from a terminal illness. I need to help him! My child is very upset. I need to help her!

Many of us look at other humans who are expressing sadness, confusion or anger with the speedy response that we need to help that person, ASAP. We need to fix things for them, support them, DO SOMETHING.

Agony if we can’t help. Anxiety. Even frustration. Perhaps the thought that WE are doing something wrong if the person doesn’t change or become happier.

Parents have this “problem” quite often. I am the custodian of this small person in the world. This child is suffering (I can see by their tears or their anger) and I MUST act quickly to help them STOP crying or being angry.

There are so many beliefs happening in that moment that are conflicted, opposing and stressful.

This morning I facilitated a woman who was doing the Work on her ten year old, who was having a melt-down. She was very distraught about that moment, so we looked at everything that was going on right in that very situation when her son was so upset.

Here were the thoughts zooming through her mind:

  • I don’t know what to do
  • I need to do something good
  • I must not be a good parent since I can’t think of anything
  • This crying really upsets ME
  • We will be late (other people will get upset)
  • My child will have a difficult future unless I offer some kind of good solution
  • I need to meet his needs
  • I’m not good enough
  • I can’t handle this
  • People will think I’m a bad mother

I could hear the pain and suffering coming out of this situation, this incredibly difficult moment. This mother adored her son, and she believed she was supposed to know what to do to help him.

Many of us are terribly uncomfortable with other people suffering. We naturally want to help. If someone in this world gets too upset or depressed, they could kill themselves, kill someone else, start a war, have a miserable life.

When someone is really, really close to us, like parent-child relationships, then many parents actually feel responsible for the suffering they see in their children. As a parent, I’m believing I need to provide my child with skills, hope, happiness, love…all they need to have a good feeling on the inside and therefore a good life. If I were a really excellent parent, my child wouldn’t suffer!

This is a huge, tall, immense and impossible order. Not only should I know what to do if my kid is in pain, but I should have pre-emptively known what to do or say before now, so that they wouldn’t be in this situation where they are presently suffering.

Some parents, in order to counteract that sense of not knowing what to do (when they believe they SHOULD know) get more know-it-all and give lectures or say “here’s what you need to do…” and make a speech. Too frightening to admit that here in this moment of pain being expressed, they can’t really fix it.

Seeing what you actually are thinking in these moments of great stress, in the presence of someone else (like your child) feeling unhappy, and then questioning if what you think is really, really true is a wonderful first step to unhooking the agony created with wanting to rescue someone from pain.

Is it true that I need to do something? Is it true that I need to KNOW what to do or say? Is it true that if I don’t help, fix, calm down, soothe or enlighten this person that they will be lost now, and in the future?

If I couldn’t think the thought I have to help my kid, with a panicked, nervous, or intense feeling on the inside, what do I notice? How would I be with my child?

What if I could relax….even just a little….and let this child have his or her experience? Leave it the way it is. Don’t rush to offer a solution, or get upset with myself for not having one.

What if I didn’t yell at myself internally that I’m not a good enough parent, and that this child NEEDS me. What if no one in the world really needs me? Even my clients who come to me for counseling?

“Not-knowing is true knowledge. Presuming to know is a disease. First realize that you are sick; then you can move toward health. The Master is her own physician. She has healed herself of all knowing. Thus she is truly whole.”~Tao te Ching #71

If we really feel and discover this place where we are our own physician, we need nothing in this moment right in the presence of someone else who is hurting. We simply are present, knowing nothing, watching, being, trusting.

Who would I be without the thought that my child needs help, my client needs help, the world needs my help…that I should do something?

Waiting. Silent. Ready for whatever happens. Joyful at a deep level….Helpful.

Love, Grace

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Wanting Money

For some of us, it’s hard to admit how much we desire money. In general, if anyone asked “hey, would you like some money?” we would say yes (or immediately start thinking “what’s the catch?”).

It seems like Money would always be welcome in bigger quantities. Unlike water. Most of us, if we are not thirsty, would not always drink more water if it was around or if it was offered.

I heard Byron Katie once doing a role play with someone about money getting exchanged between the person Katie was talking with, and someone they knew. Katie suggested that if someone said to her “here is 10 thousand dollars” and looked like they were giving it to her, she would say “what do you want by giving this?”

Excellent question. So simple if we just ask…..and the answer to this question is the crux of why we would NOT, in fact, just take more money without getting more details and seeing if it is really OK with us to make that exchange.

I myself used to be so opposed to “owing” people money or owing SOMETHING if I received their money, that I preferred to go without it. It wasn’t worth the worry about whether I had given enough, offered enough or satisfied the money-giver.

Yesterday in our Money, Work and Business class, we questioned the belief “what I do is not worth the fee”. Everyone could fill in the blank on what fee they were thinking about, and what they believed they were doing in order to get that fee, whether it was a job or their own business….it doesn’t matter.

I remember talking with a real estate agent once who made what some of us would think of as a big amount of money. He felt like what he actually did was NOT worth the money he made. But after years of making a living this way, he wasn’t even going to begin considering changing occupations. Too scary to consider having less money.

I also have talked with people (usually women) who feel dependent and so far have exchanged their services of running a home, doing laundry, cooking, taking care of kids in exchange for being supported by a money-getter. They want something more, but they aren’t sure what else to do, so they keep doing the same “job”.

There are so many thoughts that rise up, that are quite stressful, when we want money and we believe we need to do something other than really be ourselves in order to get it:

  • I need to make an impression
  • I can win people over
  • When someone else likes what I do for them, I get money from them
  • I must avoid offending other people
  • I need to be polite and have good manners
  • People will think I’m selfish if I ask for money
  • People will be jealous if they see how much I make

In Katie’s book I Need Your Love–Is That True? she writes about how we humans often get into situations where we believe we need to pretend things in order to succeed. This includes making money, for some of us. She mentions Dale Carnegie and his multi-million dollar best-seller classic book about making friends and influencing people and being a great sales person. And she asks us “how do you react when you believe the thought that you can find love and approval by making yourself more likeable?”

How do you react when you believe the thought that by being likeable, you will receive more money?

There is of course absolutely nothing wrong whatsoever with learning techniques to be a great salesperson…it is only when we find ourselves stressed and full of questions about our own integrity that we need to look more deeply.

What if we stopped pretending anything or thinking we need to shift our behavior in order to get money? What if we question what we believe we need to do in order to have a job, that is stressful? What if we stop thinking WE need to figure out how to help that person over there who is giving us money to be pleased with us?

I have found if I don’t need to make an impression, don’t need to win people over, have no concern with whether or not I am liked, connect to the center of my heart and soul, notice how full of joy I feel in giving and receiving, and question that it matters what other people think….then something has started to flow that is beyond all the ideas about whether or not what I do is “worth” any money.

When we question all our thoughts about money, we naturally become more likeable.

Start where you are, you don’t have to make any huge changes. Start by questioning what it would be like if you didn’t ever pretend….see what your thoughts are about yourself and receiving, giving, and earning money.

“In dwelling, live close to the ground. In thinking, keep to the simple. In conflict, be fair and generous. In governing, don’t try to control. In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present. When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you.”~Tao te Ching #8

Undoing the stressful thoughts about money and how I dance with it has been one of the most exciting, wonderful things in life. Money us such a wonderful friend. Money is so kind, coming and going as it will, being a form of exchange.

How do you know something is worth anything? Write it down and see what you believe about money. It could change your entire life if you question your painful thinking.

Love, Grace

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Attached To Praise

Many of us notice that we are attached to hearing praise. “Wow, you are so amazing, I love what you’re doing, your work is incredible, you did that so well, you get an A, you get a gold star, I would follow you anywhere, I’m madly in love with you, you’re just so perfect…”

Teachers say these kinds of things to students, parents to children, friends to their friends, lovers to each other, employees to bosses, bosses to employees. Anyone might say this who is trying to get the attention of the other person.

It is VERY interesting to watch the place inside that likes the praise. I now like that person who likes me. I do NOT like that other person who does NOT say good things about me.

I remember when I first discovered that I would begin to “like” someone when they apparently liked me. Mostly with authority figures who seemed to think I was doing a good job. If I did a good job at something, then I should do MORE of that.

I did not want to speak up about things I saw at work or school that might take away that positive talk and reinforcement and good feeling I had. I felt safe, I didn’t want to mess up that safe feeling. They like me, oh good. Nothing bad will happen, like getting fired.

Later in life, I seemed to become interested in men who expressed romantic interest in me, attraction for me…although the suspicion of my own motives began to offer me perspective. Just because he wants me, can I detach from knowing that and ask myself if I want him?

Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with someone who is expressing interest, offering praise, saying they appreciate you, speaking their adoration….this is about seeing that some us of start to FORGET what we like and don’t like, because of what is being expressed.

Most of us are deeply drawn to being truly free. No need to receive positive strokes, hear what others think and hope that it’s favorable. But it’s hard to give up and enter the world of NOT KNOWING and doing what pleases ourselves, what is most kind to ourselves.

Here is a most beautiful test, though, thought up by Anthony deMello, that offers a true awareness of what is possible beyond all this pushing and pulling and going towards and going away from others: pretend you’re ultimately in a conversation with God, Source, Reality, the Universe.

You’re talking to IT, the Bigness beyond you. Now notice what it’s like if you tell God or the Universe that you don’t need it/him/her, or any of the praise that Bigness offers. Hearing how perfect you are does not “make” you move towards God differently, does not make you depend on God or feel attached to God.

What if you could say and feel “I am perfectly happy without you. You are free, I am free.”

Perfectly happy with or without The Universe? But I can’t do this life without some encouragement, praise, being loved, being wanted! Bosses have to like me, partners have to adore me, friends have to say how likable I am, God has to accept me unconditionally. I know what all those things look like, and I need them. I will be lonely without enjoying praise. I will be too detached, that would be weird.

“The difference between theism and nontheism is not whether one does or does not believe in God. . . Theism is a deep-seated conviction that there’s some hand to hold: if we just do the right things, someone will appreciate us and take care of us. . . Nontheism is relaxing with the ambiguity and uncertainty of the present moment without reaching for anything to protect ourselves.”~ Pema Chodron

Adyashanti once said during retreat “Enlightenment is standing on your own two feet”.

I am scared of giving up attachment to hearing warm, lovely praise only because I am imagining that it might be frightening out on the open empty plains all alone with no certainty.

But that’s what many of us really, really want. Total freedom. Not allowing ourselves to be manipulated by anything. Open and wild, trusting it all.

Love, Grace

 

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Go Really Slow If You’re In A Hurry

Many of us have a person in our lives who we repeatedly notice brings up stress for us, maybe even every single time we are in their presence. It may be someone you once knew in the past but don’t interact with anymore. But just THINKING about them makes you mad, scared, or sad.

“That jerk! That *&%^$@! I can’t believe they….! I will NEVER speak to that person again! That was the biggest mistake I ever made!”

The mind races. Full of memories, thoughts, ideas, images of that mean, nasty person who was so full of BS or such a rotten, selfish jerk. Or worse.

After I had been doing the Work for a few years, I encountered a person in my life (OK, there may have been several) who brought up unhappiness inside myself constantly. Frustration, anger. It seemed like every time I talked with them, I felt irritation or fear.

“That person makes me so mad!”

When I was believing this thought, I noticed that my body felt very tense, fists clenched, it felt like hot steam was coming out of both ears like a cartoon character. I wanted to RUN AWAY before I hit something! Boiling mad!

Simply slowing down, and not getting scared because I’m angry or scared, is the first step I found towards freedom. This work of inquiry can be about taking the most tiny baby steps towards questioning what I believe. Like even just questioning the thought that the person I’m thinking of MAKES ME MAD.

Is it true? YES! I wasn’t mad a second ago when I wasn’t thinking about them! Now I’m really mad because I AM thinking about them. Jeez!!

But can I absolutely know that it’s true that THEY are making me mad? I mean….there they are being themselves, saying what they say, acting like THAT….and who is reacting with anger? Could there be another way of responding? Am I sure it’s that person’s fault that I am feeling mad?

Who would I be without the thought that they are making me angry? That what they are doing MAKES anger rise inside me? That what they are saying creates this energy of anger in my torso and my fists?

Well. Without that thought, I am curious about where this anger comes from, or what it is. I don’t attack that person so fast, as the responsible party for this uncomfortable feeling of anger or hatred. I don’t want to run away so fast. Getting away doesn’t matter so much.

Gosh. Could it be that this anger came from somewhere OTHER than that person? I look. This takes slowing way down. It’s like taking a 3-D snapshot of this moment right after that person does what they do that “created” anger inside me. I look at this moment carefully. I see my own face. I am feeling confused. I am feeling scared, maybe even terrified. I am feeling hurt.

I am thinking that I know what it means when this person does that…and it’s not good. It means they are tricking me, taking advantage of me, hurting me, not caring about me, not understanding me. It means they can threaten my happiness or peace. It’s dangerous to be in their presence. So here comes ANGER to help out, to offer protection.

If I turn around the thought to “I am making myself angry” I see the truth of this. They are simply being themselves, having their own responses. Being human. They are not handing me a ball of anger. They do not have a magic wand and zapping me “be filled with anger NOW!”

Anger is not streaming like water or light FROM them INTO me. They are not forcing me to be angry, they are not MAKING me become angry. Even if they were holding me down and sitting on me and being violent, I cannot take their anger like a vaccuum cleaner sucks up dirt. The anger has to start from somewhere inside of ME.

So where is this anger actually produced? It’s an energy that follows my thinking. I think they can hurt me, I believe it’s really true, that I could be rejected, taken advantage of, mistreated. When I believe that this is possible, my mind produces the energy force field of anger.

What if it wasn’t possible to think that this person was a threat?

I could replay the 3-D movie again, with so much more curiosity. Frame by frame, I could see where it was in that split second that I thought I was in danger. The exact second that I didn’t believe love was present, that things could be OK no matter what.

Loving what is for me starts with slowing down every moment of any stressful experience to study it, like a scientist. Where do I believe, in this moment, that this is not a friendly universe? What do I really think is true?

“This need to control the flow of life because you somehow feel your well-being or survival is at stake is universal to the ordinary human condition. Generally experienced as tension in the gut, often in the solar plexus or the lower abdomen, it’s the glue that holds together the thoughts, feelings, images, and memories that make up the illusory self.”~ Stephen Bodian

When I am separate from you, and when I believe I MUST be separate from you because you MAKE me mad, I enhance the separation. I live with anger and fear. I see these feelings as necessary for protecting my separate self, for being safe.

Who would you be without that thought that you were in danger, something about you was in danger, when that person did what they did?

What if that moment was perfectly safe, when they did that horrible thing, said those terrible words, ripped you off, ignored you, stole your money?

Can you find anything that could be safe about that moment? Even the tiniest example?

Look at the scene again where that person made you so angry. Look at it and now, tell yourself a new story that this went just the way it did and it was OK. Reality was running itself, all headed towards a loving outcome. Everything becoming balanced, everything offering beauty, gentleness, peace. Love present in any and every moment, even that one.

Slowing that moment down to as slow motion as possible, see what is there. It may change  your entire experience of the same person in the future. You may not experience any anger again when you think about them at all. There they will be, doing what they do, and not “making” you mad.

Who are you, in that moment, when you drop the thoughts that you are threatened?

Open. Unknowing. Expansive, curious, waiting….trusting. Awake!

“It takes no time to be who you are”~ A Course In Miracles

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The Silence We All Have

One of the most comforting, interesting ideas that is repeated by many wise teachers is that we all have some part of us that is solid, unchanging, and kinda beyond this world, beyond the body, beyond whatever is happening.

I was listening to an interview with Stephen Covey, the man who wrote the popular book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People some time ago.

He said “People can’t live with change if there’s not a changeless core inside them.”

Deepak Chopra said “in the midst of chaos and movement, there is a stillness inside you.”

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross who wrote so famously on the subject of death and dying said “Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself, and know that everything in life has purpose.”

I used to wonder what this silence was that people mentioned from time to time. When I closed my eyes and tried to meditate and be quiet, it was like a crowd chattering in all different languages, plus a jack-hammer going and some loud beeps like trucks make when they’re going backwards.

I would start thinking about everything. In fact, it even drove me nuts.

One of my favorite things about The Work is that I have questioned enough painful beliefs, it seems, that I began to feel a core inside me that was unchanging, and silent, and very solid and deep.

Great comfort with silence within is an absolutely amazing side-effect of The Work. Once I had questioned my thinking about the things I was most afraid of in all of my life for a couple of years, I decided to go on my first silent meditation retreat.

The first few days, I thought I might go completely bonkers. So many thoughts and voices talking, thoughts like “this is boring” or “I’m not doing this right” or replaying conversations with people I had known 20 years before.

The other day I was riding my bike and listening on my ipod to Katie talk with people about their greatest fears when they lose their jobs or can’t pay their bills. People were talking about how terrible it would be to have only a shopping cart on the street, to be homeless, to not be able to pay their utilities and have no heat or light.

Katie loves to ask “have you ever really NOT had enough? give me a time when you really didn’t have enough, what is that story, the absolute WORST moment.”

I have done this worst-case scenario thinking many, many times. My mind loves to think of scary things and present them, sort of like a fashion show of possibilities. Like my mind is saying “you thought that one was scary? How about this one!”

What a relief to have the question “who would I be without this thought, that this scene or outcome would be TERRIBLE?”

What if everything that happens offers something beautiful?

Katie says “Life will give you everything you need to go deeper.”

I love the deep places, the place inside that is very silent and expansive. All those pictures my mind invents about a scary future or annoying moment in the future, I know they are not real. They’re in my imagination.

Right there in meditation, as my mind is thinking loudly, I can realize that what I’m imagining is not even true, and remember who I would be without this story.

From Loving What Is “how do I know I don’t need two arms [fill in the blank on what you think is missing]? I only have one. There’s no mistake in the universe. The story ‘I need two arms’ is where the suffering begins, because it argues with reality. Without the story…I’m complete with no right arm…”

Wow, if I think about something I thought was missing, like more money for example, and then I drop the story that it is missing….there is an alive, open, buzzing, happy unknown space in the center of me….silent, trusting.

We all have it.

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You Must Not Want It Bad Enough!

Stephen Mitchell, the author and translator of many ancient mystical texts (and married to Byron Katie), writes about non-action in his forward to his translation of the Tao Te Ching: A good athlete can enter a state of body-awareness in which the right stroke or the right movement happens by itself, effortlessly, without any interference of the conscious will.

All of us have this kind of experience in our lives, when things came together without our “trying” to make it happen. We know we want to be “over there”; for example, on a trip to a distant country, at a different point in our career, to change the shape of our body, to stop smoking, to reach peace in a vital relationship, to be on time, to win the competition.

And one day, we are there. Why now?

The thought that I can Do Something and Will myself to go in a certain direction, or will someone else to go in a certain direction, is very difficult to give up, especially if we are the type of person who loves discipline and structure.

Sometimes the sense of a lack of will power is the reason people hire life coaches or health coaches or personal trainers. They say things like “I’m gonna hire that coach so they kick my butt into shape” or “I need some accountability”. There is the person who is the whip-driver and the person who “needs” to get whipped. Power is perceived to be missing from the whippee. Something needs to be done. Things are very serious.

The deal these two people make often assumes that the person getting coached needs to make their will stronger, and to destroy some other loser part of themselves.

  • winners never quit and quitters never win
  • no pain, no gain
  • I’m going to get there, or die trying
  • get MAD!
  • you must not want it bad enough!

Have you noticed that the more you push, cajole, fight, twist, criticize, battle or attack something, the more energy it takes? The more you try to build up power inside yourself using force, the more tired you feel, or more unhappy, or more doubtful, and endlessly dissatisfied?

It does not feel stress-free, peaceful, or fun.

I remember giving up diets forever. They never, ever worked for me anyway. I got as thin as possible and it excellent physical condition, and then there was more effort, and a sense of being imprisoned and having to be alert at all times, cravings and anger at certain foods.

I wanted true freedom. Honest freedom. I wanted to be like I was when I was a child, when I barely remember food. I wanted my natural will, the way it was, to be effortless. I wanted to not have to work on my will power at all, to not think of myself as so lacking.

I had a lot of painful beliefs and thinking to question and Un-Do in order to get back to an uninhibited life around eating and my body. They were base-level core painful beliefs that were not true, like “I am unlovable, my appetite is too big, my feelings are too dramatic, I am greedy.”

Most importantly, I noticed that all of those kinds of thoughts about being fierce, aggressively holding the line, getting mad, or thinking I should be forcing myself to success were the opposite of loving and kind, and not the way I wanted to live.

If I could do it with food and eating, anyone can do it. I took my behavior and thinking to the extreme edges, which helped it all crash and burn. Total surrender. Total loss. Complete failure.

When it is not so serious and you give up fighting, instead of losing, you might find that playing comes alive. Joy, excitement, open to anything. Willing to have a body that does what it does.

“The best athlete wants his opponent at his best. The best general enters the mind of his enemy. The best businessman serves the communal good. The best leader follows the will of the people. All of them embody the virtue of non-competition. Not that they don’t love to compete, but they do it in the spirit of play. In this they are like children and in harmony with the Tao.”~Tao Te Ching #68

I want my aggressive big-appetite self to step out into the open, I want to enter and understand the mind of my obsessive self that gets fixed on things like an addict, I want to be open and supportive to every inch of my amazing body, I want to play with food and eating, explore my cravings, biting into yummy things and then moving on to something else the minute I’m full. In harmony with what is.

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Let The Nightmares Be There

Fear can get triggered by running into a scary person we haven’t seen in years for whom we have unresolved feelings, having an accident, being in an earthquake, surviving a war, over-hearing an uncomfortable conversation between strangers in a store, noticing a disturbing photo, seeing a violent movie.

Without a willingness to stay and look at the thoughts, even though they are so full of fear, they just repeat themselves and keep flashing the images. We have nightmares, trouble sleeping.

Yesterday I watched a science fiction movie. There was one theme I found very disturbing, one set of “bad guys”. They really creeped me out.

So, what thoughts are present that I can work with? I know the only way to deal consciously with these thoughts is through identifying them, identifying what I’m resistant to, to what I am against.

  • there is horror and violence in this world
  • the sickness and terror some people experience through war, torture or violence is unbearable
  • people shouldn’t make violent and depressing movies
  • the capacity for evil is just as great as the capacity for good, this is terrifying
  • I can’t stop thinking about that scene, that situation
  • I am driving myself crazy, my mind is not being helpful
  • I need to shut my mind down 

Through inquiry, I ask myself the question “who would I be WITHOUT the thought that I need to shut my mind down?” Who would I be without the thought that I need to avoid any violent images and scary movies and never think about frightening moments in my life or terrible things that have happened to humans throughout history?

I notice I’m afraid that if I didn’t have the thought that I need to shut my mind off, my mind would just run rampant like a runaway train going bonkers and heading for a dreadful destructive ending. If I really didn’t have the thought that this mind needs to calm down, slow down, shut itself OFF of the nightmare images….then I’d have them all the time 24/7 and life would be hell.

I would NEVER find peace.

Really??! I look again. Am I sure the mind is only interested in turning up the volume on violent imagery? In nightmares? In torturous thoughts? That left to its own devices without being SHUT DOWN, it would explode with constant stressful thinking without end?

Not the most positive attitude towards the mind.

Here’s the mind, being itself, trying to work out the weirdness of violence (or whatever it’s doing) and then another thought, part of the same mind, that it should stop itself and shut itself down.

Kind of harsh, I notice.  Kind of violent.

I love realizing that if I didn’t WANT to shut my mind off, it might calm down all by itself. That it would recognized all the images are not real.

Just maybe, the mind is always heading towards balance and a resting place. Maybe that is its natural condition, and I don’t have to worry that MY mind is some sort of monster of self-torture that I have to fight against.

I realize I’ve had the thought often that I need to shut something down. This has been my thought about other people, events, ideas, circumstances. I’m afraid that if I didn’t have the thought to control something I don’t like, that I would be totally passive and lie down on the ground in apathy or despair. Plus, the thing that needs to be shut down would go crazy multiplying itself and going completely OUT of control.

But living the turnaround, I find, is much easier. “I do NOT need to shut my mind down.”

I let it be as it is. This is only Thinking. Being afraid at the moment.

Stephan Bodian in his book Wake Up Now writes about this mind and its apparent busy thinking. He writes that Tibetan master Thrangu Rinpoche said “The reason you find nothing….when you look for your mind, is that the nature of your mind is insubstantiality, emptiness.” 

Phew. The mind is insubstantial. Very changeable, twisting and turning and getting revved up then slowing down. That’s what it does.

And what if you did not believe that you NEED to shut another person down (like to stop communicating with them, for example) or that you need to shut down a possible bad event happening in the future, or that you need to shut down any chance of losing money, losing your job, losing credibility?

How relaxing it is not to have to apply that kind of lock-down energy towards anything. I enter the I-Don’t-Know reality.

Humility, beauty, love, peace and joy appear. I picture the violence, I see the images of people I’m afraid of or hurt by, I see “terrible” experiences, and I move beyond all these, strangely, by not being so terrified of them, by not being against them. I see that I am not just my Mind. There is something else broader here.

There is a place inside me that is not bothered at all, that doesn’t need to shut down anything. Spirit, mystery.

“Whatever you fight, you strengthen, and what you resist, persists.”~Eckhart Tolle

As Adyashanti says, “let everything be the way it is.” Just leave it alone and allow it to be exactly the way it is. Those people who bug you, that situation you keep remembering, those weird science fiction monsters that eat people when they’re still alive. Even your precious, busy mind.

Leaving everything alone is better than the alternative. And more grown up, more successful, more peaceful in the end. Try it and see.

Love, Grace

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Money Is Safety

What a fabulous class yesterday with the Money, Work and Business telegroup. We questioned the belief “money is safety”.

Now, I’ve done a LOT of inquiry work on money. My desperation for more of it, my sadness at losing it, my dismissive scoffing at it, like I could care less.

If Money was a person, they had every reason to stay far away from me in the past. I was really nasty about money, it did not seem to bring out the best qualities. I hated that I wanted it, it was just so uncomfortable to actually WANT something that much. I hated that I seemed to need it.

Diving in to the intricate mysterious world of all my beliefs about money, one thing I had to do was look with open eyes and a magnifying glass at it all.

WHY did I want it so much? I mean, really?

Well, one reason is this idea that having it creates safety. So, in other words, if I have money, then I am safe.

Safe from what? Here are some common beliefs, maybe they are the same for you:

  • with money, I am safe from being neglected when sick, injured, or old
  • with money, I am safe from having physical pain get worse
  • with money, I am safe from starvation, thirst, being dirty
  • with money, I am safe from boredom, from missing something fun
  • with money, I am safe from loneliness, meaninglessness
  • with money, I am safe from being stuck in unhappiness

It’s simple to find examples of people with loads of money who experience all these things sometimes….we can see that money doesn’t keep us safe from “bad” times. It’s also simple to decide to NOT really deal with money, to step away from it and not care about it (or pretend not to). Yet, it still seems stressful.

The turnaround to the opposite belief that money is safety is the concept “This here right now is safety”. This is interesting, this is considering it all in a different way. Right in that place where you MOST believed that with more money you would be safer….could it still be possible that you were safe?

There I was, without money, hungry. I wanted to eat (you can translate this to “I wanted to go on that vacation, I wanted that dress, I wanted that pedicure, I wanted to take that workshop”).

Can I be here, wanting, without the money, and remain safe? What’s the worst that could happen? That I ask for what I want and someone says NO?

“If you were willing to ask only ONE percent of the population for what you want, and have them all say NO, you’d be willing to listen to 70 million NOs. How many times do we ask for something and when we hear the first, second or third no, we feel defeated? It’s like the world is full of wells, and we allow ourselves to go thirsty because the first couple we find are dry.”~Benjamin Smythe

I notice that money isn’t safety. Having money is a protection device for me, so I don’t have to ask, I don’t have to receive, I don’t have to feel how much I want something, I don’t have to interact with humanity, or the unknown future.

“When people see some things as beautiful, other things become ugly. When people see some things as good, other things become bad…” Tao Te Ching #2 

Sometimes there is wanting…..and without believing that it is not safe, wanting is fun. Wanting is an exciting adventure, without fear. I act without expectations, trusting that the amount of money I have is just the right amount, for this moment.

Without “enough” money, I ask for a job, I ask if I can stay with you for awhile, I ask if you will lend me some, I ask for some food. I notice my surroundings and the sweetness of the world. I notice it doesn’t matter if I have the money or not.

I laugh in the joy of it all. Safe.