Do you ever get the uglies?
That’s what my youngest sister once labeled my 10th grade experience of looking at yourself in the mirror before you went to school, and feeling…..well…..
.…ugly.
I have three younger sisters, and we all had our self-critical moments when we were young.
But one day, I was telling my little sister how the day before on my way in to school I felt awful and I didn’t want people to see me, but by the afternoon, after I had a blast at band practice and some fun joking around in the hallways, my favorite teacher commended me on a project I had done, and I pretty much forgot about it.
She nodded.
Oh I know what that’s like, she said.
“It’s just the uglies.”
She was 12.
How’d she get so smart?
Instead of actually focusing in on the details like they were true….
….like that your face was blotchy, your hair was oily and flat, your thighs were too big, you had a zit on the edge of your nose where it meets the cheek, your clothes weren’t cute, your jacket was dirty, your eyebrows were too thick, your stomach was gross…..
…..it was a way of describing a whole way of thinking.
The Uglies.
She was identifying a mood, a way of looking that made everything appear ugly, rather than believing something really WAS ugly.
Which is what happens to us sometimes, even as adults.
I’m sure you’ve noticed.
You’ve got your Uglies glasses on.
When you feel self-conscious, self-critical and dismissive towards yourself, there may be something else going on besides just a tendency to be self-critical.
Self-hate and self-criticism doesn’t just pop out of the sky into you.
You weren’t born with it.
I always find, if I get the uglies, I can ask myself…..
…..what’s going on?
What am I believing to be true right now?
What’s the inside of my head like in the moment, my perception of the world?
I know it’s a big question, but it sure is better than attacking yourself for a huge list of faults….
….and far more fruitful for digging out the root of the suffering.
When I see me as ugly, I’m almost always seeing something else as frightening, sad, confusing, or irritating.
Ugliness is in the mind.
Here’s a powerful question that I never dreamed of asking consciously when I was in tenth grade:
What am I afraid of?
You can make a list, if you like, of people you feel nervous around.
These are people you feel might be making decisions about whether you’re an attractive person, or an unattractive person.
Romantic partners, colleagues, co-workers, students, boys, men, girls, women, mom, grandpa, brother, aunt, boss.
What’s the worst that could happen, if they find you ugly?
(You might also consider what’s the worst that could happen, if they find you beautiful, if this fits for you).
When you start writing about what can happen if someone thinks you’re ugly, you might be amazed if you really allow your mind to go there.
- they’ll reject me
- I’ll be all alone
- they’ll win, I’ll lose
- she’ll fire me
- I’ll never be happy, or loved
- I won’t be part of the inner circle
Now you have a threat you’re more clearly aware of.
The suffering you believe occurs when you’re rejected, left, abandoned, fired, cast out, dismissed, hated.
From this point…..
…..with a clearly stressful belief about what it means if someone thinks you’re unattractive…..
…..you can inquire, and do The Work.
Guess what I noticed as I did The Work over time on everyone I was afraid of, all the people I thought were judging me and criticizing me, or abandoning me?
After doing The Work for awhile, when I glanced at myself in the mirror at the beginning of my day in the morning….
….I smiled.
I automatically saw someone cute, and supportive more of the time.
I saw an image looking at me that said “Oh Hi! There you are you absolutely adorable person!”
Seriously, I actually started thinking that, almost every time I saw myself.
I did not try to make myself see myself as kind and loving, it just happened.
It was the result of questioning my thoughts and seeing through eyes that those other harsh people in my life had not rejected, abandoned, hated, dismissed, abused, hurt, or betrayed me.
They may have said some pretty mean things, and taken some pretty dreadful actions….
….but I understand now….
….they had The Uglies.
In the Eating Peace retreat, one exercise we do is fill out the Judge Your Body worksheet.
We get to look at the parts of our bodies that we just can’t see as beautiful, and put the nastiest thoughts in our minds about the body on paper.
Some of us try so hard to be thin, have the right clothes, have the right gestures, put on the best makeup and dream of the perfect non-rejectable image.
But calming your worries and fears down by trying to make the body look right is so difficult.
And besides…..we get old, we decline, we get sick or hurt, we have imperfections.
Why not start relaxing all that effort right now….
….and put the intense energy of the Uglies into questioning your stressful beliefs, into questioning the stressful way you actually SEE?
You can do this.
Come join me January 22-24 for the next 3 Day Eating PeaceRetreat in Seattle area.
The more you question, the more you can take off those Ugly glasses.
Your natural eyes see beauty, love, kindness and acceptance.
I say this because if I can see the beauty now, anyone can.
Yes, even you.
