Tag: being yourself

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Are You On An Enlightenment Plan?

How does it feel to keep thinking you need to change, improve, grow?
How does it feel to keep thinking you need to change, improve, grow?

‘I need to make sure I’m thinking positively and joyfully at all times. I have to avoid the negative, dark thoughts. I must remember all thinking is an illusion anyway. I’m not really seeing anything accurately. I need to picture my happy outcomes and keep imagining the wonderful possibilities. I must stop focusing on the dreadful, frightening possibilities…..’

Have you ever read books, gotten more into metaphysics and spirituality….

….and noticed your mind suddenly has a new voice full of little spiritual ideas and suggestions?

All kinds of new ideas. They sound great. They’ll get you to the kingdom.

Exciting!

Only. Hmmmm.

This voice seems somehow familiar.

This voice sounds nicer than others. It sounds more genteel and open. It’s got a really sweet tenure and color.

And yet.

Something smells fishy.

(Rip off the pink sweet mask)

Ah-ha! Dictator Self-Hater Strikes Again!

You see, that mind can take anything and begin to use it to stay on the self-improvement-is-the-goal path. To not truly relax with where you are, now.

I know, because I do it myself.

But I really did it with the project of meditation at one time.

I was so anxious, I knew that what I really needed was to meditate.

People are calm who meditate all the time, right? It’s proven that meditating is the right thing to do. Along with eating well, exercising, being kind, sleeping all night, and being self-less.

Yeah. That’s right!

So I decided after semi-meditating for a decade or so….

….I’m meditating an hour a day.

No excuses.

This will happen, rain or shine.

I’m very disciplined at times, when I set my mind to something. I started every single day with one hour of meditation. Even if I had a fever (which I did once). I sat up in my chair, took position (it didn’t count in a bed or in any other position, I must be sitting up very straight) and set my alarm so I wouldn’t peek at any clocks.

After one year I prided myself on 365 days of meditation, not missing one single day.

I was well into my second year of this when I went on a meditation retreat.

While there, it occurred to me I was “doing” the “right” thing.

Here I am, doing the right thing! See me, oh great universe? How ’bout this, God? You gonna bring me supreme awareness? Abundance and flow? An anxiety-free life?

Look at how good I am! I work sooooo hard. I read books, I watch videos, I meditate, I listen to spiritual teachers, I study, I correct my thinking, I’m practically obsessed with awakening and enlightenment and peace….

….it’s all I ever think about!

Um.

It suddenly hit me.

I was doing all these things in the name of Me. “I” will wake up. “I” will achieve the greatest achievement….self-realization. “I” will arrive and it will be fabulous.

The Universe will basically say “you look mahvellous.”

I’ll feel like a million bucks. And I’ll probably HAVE a million bucks, too!

Ouch. A subtle ouch, but nevertheless, an ouch.

Because this achievement that was going to happen was off in the distance, in the future, some day.

This isn’t quite it yet.

I remember a good friend who caught the same disease….

….er, I mean the same penchant for insight….

….said she was going to save up a lot of cash, because later, when she was enlightened, she probably wouldn’t care about cash.

So who would we all be without our beliefs that we absolutely must do things like meditate, think positively, save up for later, try harder, or improve?

This is not an invitation to the hopeless resigned place of despair.

It’s a reminder that what we really want has to ultimately be possible here and now, not later.

A reminder that we are not in absolute control. We are not isolated islands floating around with something missing.

It’s not an unfriendly messed up universe that sometimes spits out less-than-perfect people with faulty minds.

Who would you be without the belief that you’re going somewhere? Or that you NEED to go somewhere?

I find this astonishing (at least my mind does).

Really? Actually let go? Relax and give up (in a good way)? 

Who would I be without the thought that I must improve my thought?

Not so discouraged. Not feeling like a failure. Not ping-ponging around with that dictator voice that’s got either a self-improvement whip or a doing-it-so-good-and-right whip.

I’d be meditating for the sheer joy of it, not because it’s the right thing to do for getting somewhere.

And if I had a fever….I’d probably stay in bed, lying flat and resting.

I’d be laughing!

“Meditation practice isn’t about trying to throw ourselves away and become something better, it’s about befriending who we are.” ~ Pema Chodron

“Conditioned mind is perpetually focused on something other than what is–another time or place, another something that must be done right now. When we don’t succumb to ego’s urgency, fear, and anxiety we can relax, breathe and be, right where we are, right where Life has place us in this very moment.” ~ Cheri Huber

Just for today, take a very deep breath, and be with yourself. See yourself in the mirror and notice how awesome you are. Relax your muscles, your speed, the need to change your mind, your to-do list, your plans for awakening.
And you don’t have to. If this doesn’t happen, that’s OK too.
All is very, very well, without you needing to do anything about yourself.
Wow.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Summer Camp Fridays are from 7-8:30 am Pacific Time! Very unusual early, beautiful summer morning hours! We’ll still have 4 more of these in the month ahead. Join us if you like.
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Shine On Your Regular Mediocre You–It’s Brighter Than You Think

stars
Being your regular ol’ self…you shine, shine your light

One of my favorite comments during the 3-day Year of Inquiry retreat last weekend was when a participant said, about me….

….”the thing I love about Grace is, well, unlike other teachers, I just can’t put her on a pedestal.“

On the inside, I had a big wide smiling feeling.

Because, strangely, this is what I always wanted from leaders, facilitators, teachers, guides and mentors. I wanted to know they were regular people, like me, and that I fit in with them.

That the gap wasn’t so far-reaching and impossible. That we’re all in this together, connected, sharing.

I wanted them to be approachable, open and real. I wanted me to b this, too.

And I wanted to know that Reality….

….a word for the force far bigger than all of us (you might like to use different words like God, Source, Mystery, Universe)….

….is who we all are.

Don’t get me wrong.

Throughout life, I have loved hearing truly amazing stories of change and healing, and miraculous occurrences in human lives, shifts of consciousness, the brilliance of what is possible….

….but something deep inside told me that I wasn’t going to be one of those outliers.

Even though I had extreme experiences, and hurt myself and others, and was very confused, and felt very broken and crazy sometimes….

….I knew I wasn’t ever going to be on the front page of the New York Times or go completely crazy or have a massive influence like Jesus Christ.

Well, never say never, right? (Because it’s not really up to me, turns out).

But somewhere along the way, I realized, if I keep trying to be like other incredible humans who have walked the earth before me, I won’t be this one, here.

The one who is apparently me.

All This….is for everyone.

Freedom is for anyone. Love and Joy is for anyone.

And I mean anyone.

The thing is, I really wanted to wake up and understand this mind, discover freedom, contribute to the world, and look around with an inherent joy and gratitude for being here….

….even though I was a mediocre, regular, normal sort of human being, who was only here for a short time in the big scheme of things.

Like most of the people in the bell curve.

Nothing special.

Who would you be without the belief you need to be bigger, better, more special, more unique? Who would you be without the thought that who you are is not enough, or too boring or mediocre, or too much like everyone else?

Who would you be without the thought that you need to raise a raucous and stand out and be noticed in a big way, or hide your flaws or do it right or become enlightened like Byron Katie or Adyashanti?
(And I love those guys, sooooo much).
I began to notice who I would be, without images of needing to change or improve or hide.
Very strange.
But without the thought of being anything different, or more, than being this human, I’d be feeling a life force, heart beating, lungs breathing, alive in something called a body, fast mind on task trying to figure everything out, images, imagination, encounters all happening simultaneously….
….stunned at what’s actually going on around here.
Awed at the movement, activity, aliveness.
No idea what’s happening. Part of the Great Hum.
Laughing.

“If you knew how important you are–and without the story you come to know it–you would fragment into a billion pieces and just be light. That’s what these misunderstood concepts are for: to keep you from the awareness of that. You’d have to be the embodiment if you knew it—just a fool, blind with love.” ~ Byron Katie in Question Your Thinking, Change The World

We are all the same underneath, even if we’re all different.

Beautiful and shining.

Much love, Grace

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Be Simply Yourself, Saying No (Or Yes)

The experience of Not Enough of something can feel like being caught in a vice, squeezed so tight you can’t breathe.

Not enough money, not enough time, not enough happiness, not enough sleep, not enough exercise, not enough enlightenment.

Today I was noticing my calendar fill to the brim, and I mean maximum back-to-back appointments, classes, workshops, administrative meetings, writing time, gym.

I thought “does everything REALLY have to be scheduled just to even remember to fit it in?!”

Apparently, yes.

I’ve forgotten to send invoices to clients and therefore not received payment for services, I’ve double-booked myself and had to quick reschedule people, I’ve missed a good friend’s birthday party, I’ve skipped stopping at the grocery store when I really did need to buy some groceries.

I’ve stayed up until midnight because I happened to notice that I’m being interviewed ON THE RADIO tomorrow and they needed a little written introduction that I had forgotten to put together.

(More about that after its recorded–you’ll be the first to know!)

But this is a tipping point we all sometimes experience, a period of time where I’m being invited to live differently in the midst of having a lot of requests for my time.

The thing is, I like saying Yes.

And I can’t say Yes to everything, it turns out.

Sigh.

In this very moment, with people texting, emailing, calling, leaving messages (I picture Wall Street with a crowd of people in suits yelling for an appointment) I have this moment to be still….even though there is activity, it seems.

“I could disappoint someone if I say No.”

Even my kids, my husband, or a close friend!

Is that actually true?

YES. I’ve seen it in their faces. I’ve heard them say “MOM….can’t we go to a movie sometime? You work a lot!”

And by the way….disappointing people is bad. It’s uncomfortable. They don’t like it. I immediately feel worried, my attention moves in their direction, it requires energy, I have to fix things, or else.

Really?

When I feel the burden of believing that saying “no” could disappoint someone, and that this disappointment is disturbing for ME at some level, then my reaction to having that thought is not fun.

I feel sick to my stomach. I feel speeded up, tense, moving very very fast, busy, busy, busy. My mind feels lit up, concentrating on how to solve the problem of disappointing someone.

That person might get mad, or might get sad, it doesn’t matter. Both bother me.

But who would I be without that thought?

What if I didn’t believe it was upsetting to disappoint someone, that it was terrible if they felt unhappy when I said NO, or even when I forgot?

I would see that person, with their disappointed reaction, the look, the gesture, their words….and I would notice how honest they are, and real.

I would love their expression of communication.

It wouldn’t mean they hate me (even if they say they do). It would simply be human being honest, waiting, moving towards or away.

The funny thing is, when I do not believe the thought that it is bad to disappoint someone, or for that matter….bring out a stressful reaction of any kind in someone else….

….then I am truly free to be lovingly, beautifully, simply HONEST.

No fear of what will happen. No need to please, or hope to please.

Without the thought that I know what people like to feel, and I’m gonna make it happen….I let go in a way that is so sweet, and a bit frightening, and untethered, that it feels like fantastical new territory.

“To think that you know what’s best for another person is to be out of your business. The result is worry, anxiety, and fear. When you mentally step out of your business, you think that you know more than he, she, or God. The only real question is ‘Can I know what’s right for myself?’ That is your only business. And, as you eventually come to see, not even that”. ~ Byron Katie

I love the lightness of only being responsible for me, for my own No or Yes.

From that point, I can control nothing. People will have their responses. It’s not my business.

This isn’t said in an uncaring, defensive way, like WHATEVER…go have your little hissy fit, I don’t care!

No. It’s a compassionate, easy allowing of what is.

“When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you.” ~ Tao Te Ching #38

Today, if you were really truly yourself, without a care in the world for how other people might respond….what would you answer….yes, or no?

Love, Grace