Tag: anticipation

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You don’t have to know how to stop dreading….a little secret

Have you ever felt awful….but you’re not even sure why?

Some kind of dread is awaiting for you around the corner. Something terrible will happen. It might not go well. You could make an irreversible, regrettable mistake. It’s going to get worse. It might be nice now, but just wait.

Don’t you get the shivers just reading those sentences?

And sometimes, they’re exactly the kinds of thoughts we have about the future that make the future seem dark, sad, depressing, troubling.

But it’s not really the future that’s any of those things.

It’s now.

Funny how the mind is so incredibly powerful, you can think thoughts about the CHANCE of bad stuff occurring….and feel anxious.

The other day I worked with the most adorable young inquirer who was no longer dating because of the chance of drama in a future relationship. Two others hadn’t gone so well.

She was interested in relationship, in relating, talking, connecting, being close…..and yet, didn’t want to risk getting hurt.

People experience this when thinking about finding a new job, moving to a new city, traveling. Heck, if you’re a big huge introvert like me, you might think with a mild form of dread about an upcoming social gathering, even a party that’s supposed to be fun.

It might be loud, surprising. I might see people I haven’t in a long time. It will be over-the-top on excitement level. I’ll get overstimulated!

Whatever your thoughts, you’re anticipating something might not go well just a wee bit, perhaps a little disappointment….OR…Something terrible could happen!

Noooooooooo!!!

But who would you be without this thought? Without this story of terrible possibilities, or the unknown wild yonder in the future?

What if you were OK, right now, and if you get nervous….you could do The Work!

(Anxiety Bunny Voice scoffs….The Work? That won’t help prevent forest fires! Watch Out! This thing could go DOWN)!

So we’re not pretending nothing ever happens. We’re not being sugar-pop sweet and acting like we aren’t afraid of the dark.

We’re actually just really asking, WITH all those scary images dancing in our heads of relationships-gone-wrong or events-becoming-disasters or things-turning-out-bad….

….who would you be without your story of that image?

Are you safe in this moment?

Notice.

Oh. Come to think of it, I am.

I’m breathing, the air is fresh, I see no weapons of destruction anywhere in sight. My thoughts are only disturbed, not All of Reality.

Turning this “dread” around: Some kind of joy is awaiting for you around the corner. Something wonderful will happen. It might go well. You could make an irreversible, genius correction. It’s going to get better. It might be nice now, and just wait (exciting)!

Couldn’t all this be just as true, or truer?

Sometimes people say….but this is imagination, and pollyanna, and just like affirmations which are FAKE.

But I like noticing, the future IS entirely imagination, creative, and unknown. To think creatively of solutions, ideas, possibilities….feels so much more effective, powerful.

And when you really can’t stop dreading it (been there) then do The Work. Because we’re addressing our THOUGHTS here, not the whole of Reality….which is always mysterious and unknown anyway.

If you need to, do The Work on the worst case scenario you’re imagining might occur. Pretend it’s actually happened, write your worksheet, and go.

Is it true?

“What I love about The Work is, it never asks you to drop [the story]. It doesn’t even imply that you should drop it. That’s the power of investigation. It’s not my business to drop a story. Mankind’s been trying to do that for centuries! It doesn’t work. So don’t even go there. Letting go is an outdated concept. But investigation–self-realization, realizing for yourself what is true–dispels the illusion. So I’ve got this little secret, and everyone’s welcome to it: I inquire.” ~ Byron Katie in Who Would You Be Without Your Story pg 272

And the best news of all?

You don’t have to know how to get rid of the dread, or stop being an Anxious Bunny or figure out how to be more positive. You’re being lived, as Katie says.

You don’t have to know how.

I notice I sure don’t know how….and it’s turning out better than I ever imagined.

Much love,

Grace

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Batten down the hatches! Suffering could happen!

stormatsea
The ultimate preparation for story weather….four questions known as The Work

As September 1st rolls into clear view this week I’m immersed in preparing an Orientation for all the new Year of Inquiry participants.

September always feels like the start of something new. End of summer, beginning of more indoor time.

I grew up going to school every single September of my whole childhood, and young adulthood.

It gets in your bones. A conditioned feeling of preparing. Movement into growing darkness. Movement into the internal life. More quiet, scholarly work. Get the harvest in, hibernation is coming.

Winter on the distant horizon.

Batten down the hatches!

People in my family said “batten down the hatches” like so many historical shipping phrases, even though no one worked at sea or was a part of sea life for generations.

The hatches are the openings to the sky. The crew covered them tightly with wooden “battens” and canvas when a storm was coming. Preparing for rough seas ahead.

Which is a bit dramatic, perhaps, about the movement into autumn, here in the northern hemisphere where I live.

And yet, I used to truly feel this way internally about silence, darkness, quiet, emptiness, space.

Going within meant remembering. It meant Alone. Lonely. Sad. Despairing. Lost. Afraid. Untethered.

I almost wasn’t aware I had this dread, either.

Until I sat down to meditate, or had too open a schedule without a to-do list.

Then, when I was alone and silent, instead of “peace and quiet” it felt like the volume went UP on anxiety, sadness, grief.

I’d want to see a movie, read a good book or “accomplish” something….or in the past: eat, drink, smoke, physically move (exercise), listen to self-improvement audios.

So yesterday, I guess it was no surprise really at the end of summer on an overcast day with tiny raindrops….

….Gosh. It seems like a really good day to start cleaning out the shed, organizing things to take to the dump, make a stack of For Sale items and Giveaways. Put on gloves and haul, stack, throw away, go through 15 year old files. Watch videos briefly on how to move the shed once it’s emptied.

Get ready.

I was alone and doing this almost all day. Phone in the house, computer lying idle. Physical movement, thoughts dancing through.

It does feel good to “do” a job. It still often feels initially better than sitting in silence and stillness.

At least, according to my mind, which comes up with all kinds of reasons why moving slower and sitting quietly is bad.

In quiet sitting, I might feel worried, troubled, afraid, or bored.

Which is probably why I love The Work so very much.

There’s something to “do” with all those thoughts, with that thinking energy. With the feelings of wanting to “batten down the hatches.”

The Work asks, like a little innocent kid…..

….Hey you! Over there! Yes, you! The one running so fast and so busy and working so hard and “doing” lots of stuff!? YOU! 

What are you doing over there, preparing for a big storm? What storm do you think is coming? Why do you think so? Where did you ever get that idea? What are you so worried about?

I love that The Work invites you to actually look at the storm, rather than simply assume it’s coming.

The Work asks “is it true?”

You get to sit in meditation and wonder about your answer, and maybe not answer quite so fast.

And instead of being aware of a huge storm, you can look at one rain squall at a time, and look with a clear pair of safety glasses at that one situation only. That one conversation, that one upset, that one argument, that one moment with that person who scared you, tormented you, disappointed you.

Last night, after my satisfying day of doing (especially according to the one who likes to see accomplishments)….

…..I sat quietly and pondered the Year of Inquiry group, everyone about to start inquiring together on our journeys within.

One person had withdrawn during the day via email, and another one joined.

I updated my list.

I then closed my eyes and held still, feeling the deep appreciation for this moment exactly as it is, without a single need to improve, or take away, or fix, or add, or change anything.

Feeling so grateful for all those preparing to join me, with a joy that inquiry will be in our pockets as a special tool for the entire fall, winter, spring, and then in Summer Camp for The Mind (always included for Year of Inquiry friends).

I love that if I feel upset, whether a drop or a huge brewing storm or a downpour of upset….

….I have four questions, and finding turnarounds.

And I have people to do it with once, twice or three times a week….

….for all the months ahead, through holidays and travels and cold weather and political change and relationship worries and the movement of life.

Even if you’re not doing something as big of a commitment as Year of Inquiry, there are ways to “do” The Work and get it done, as Byron Katie says.

Call the Helpline, get a fabulous partner to connect with regularly. Set time aside to sit and write out your work, if you’re able and willing.

If you’re thinking of joining Year of Inquiry, I’m creating an Orientation presentation that’s brand new (first time I’ve done it).

This Orientation will help people know exactly how to dial in no matter where they live, access the recordings of our calls, prepare for partnering (which is optional), share on our private forum, and enter their own inner world with the best “batten” I could ever imagine having….

….The Work.

The Work is a ‘batten’ to “batten down the hatches” of overwhelming, wild, freaked out, grief-riddled storms.

The Work addresses all the storms experienced in the PAST, the ones I already lived through that made such lasting impressions on me.

And low and behold, when these become less frightening, less dark, light spring rains, or even the sunniest weather I could ever have imagined with crystal clear blue skies….

….then there’s no fear of the future, or winter, anymore.

“The Work is merely four questions; it’s not even a thing. It has no motive, no strings. It’s nothing without your answers. These four questions will join any program you’ve got and enhance it. Any religion you have–they’ll enhance it. If you have no religion, they will bring you joy. And they’ll burn up anything that isn’t true for you. They’ll burn through to the reality that has always been waiting.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is.

If you’re ready for companionship and joining fellow inquirers to help you stay in The Work and “get it done” then come join us in a Year of Inquiry. Three time zones allow you to connect at least once a week, for 3 weeks every month. You’ll then choose if you’d like to be paired with someone in the group (highly recommended) for a month at a time, getting the support of others and sharing in such a deep way, people make life-long friends.

When I left the School for The Work in 2005, I noticed I just did not do The Work that often.

It didn’t fit into the category of “doing”. It was more like sitting still in silence, meditating. Good for me like eating raw broccoli perhaps, but I couldn’t see the immediate results, and it was a little nerve-wracking and awkward all by myself, and felt “hard”.

I would have signed up for a Year of Inquiry in a heartbeat. It’s half the fee of the school itself, and offers structure to stay in The Work for an entire year.

And this year, we’ll be doing a monthly intro session to our topic to do Q & A, share best practices of The Work, hear quotes from Loving What Is, and the retreats (for those who choose to attend) are now 4 days long instead of 3.

Everyone in YOI has access to my phone to text, or my email to write, in case of “emergency” if you go into stormy weather. I am here for all members of YOI when you need it, along with the official solo session everyone gets during the year for some in-depth work (people doing the full YOI including retreats receive at least two solo sessions).

I consider everyone who joins YOI to be my personal teachers, those who are like my fellow students of life. You bring me inquiry in a way I would never do it if left to my own.

If left to my own devices, I’d be cleaning out sheds and battening down hatches with wood and canvas, not four questions.

If left to my own devices, the storms would always be on their way, looming in the distance because I never remembered to ask the question….

….is it true?

“Anger, fear, sadness, discomfort, pain–they should not be allowed in….I believe they are dangerous to my well-being. And so I spend my life running away from them….Much of our suffering comes from deeply unaccepted feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, weakness, insecurity, and uncertainty in the face of this moment.” ~ Jeff Foster in The Deepest Acceptance

Put down the hammer, nails, canvas, battens, and visions of dark clouds in the future (or past).

We’ve got some work to do. Called….answering four questions.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Learn about Year of Inquiry here.

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Stop Pretending You’re In Bondage

A few days ago, I was studying the state of Anticipation.

(I can’t help but hear that word spoken in my mind like in Rocky Horror Picture Show….”an-tisssah—-pay-shun”).

The state of “now” in that present moment included deeply aching leg, very sore right achilles tendon, thigh muscles ticking independently in little spasms, an aching pelvis bone, my daughter lying on the floor on her stomach writing things in a notebook, the mailman’s little motorized truck making sounds out by the mailbox.

I had told my friends “it feels like a dagger is stuck in my right butt cheek all the way in, with only the handle in view.”

If I held really still, I couldn’t really feel anything. If I moved, just a wee bit, OOOWWWWW.

And then there’s the mind and all its ideas, visions, suggestions. Some are less stressful than others, to put it mildly.

But it occurred to me that this status of anticipating a major upcoming event is a very fascinating human condition.

You’re about to start a new job, get an operation (like me), start treatment for a disease, get divorced, go on a date, move to a new house, buy a refrigerator, run a workshop, have a baby, go on vacation, compete in the race.

The date is in the future. You really don’t know what it will be like. You’ve talked with other people. You have many questions, maybe you’ve gotten tons of questions answered.

You’ve read books. You’ve googled.  You’ve trained.

But there is nothing like actually doing it.

So weird, because there are many other things that happen that we do not know beforehand are going to happen. Unless we have one of those cool intuition thingies go on.

But whether or not you’re psychic, there are the things we KNOW are coming up at some future point, they’re on the calendar….and there are the things we do NOT know are coming, that are NOT on the calendar.

Back to anticipation.

Doing The Work when the mind is very chattery about the frightening upcoming event can make such a huge difference in the present, it’s astonishing.

In other words, I can sit here thinking about the operation, the drive to the hospital, gauze bandages, and lying on the couch at home without being able to move….

….and I can have an uncomfortable, nervous, depressed, or terrified, story about this upcoming situation….OR I can have an open, wondering, connected story about this upcoming situation.

Who would you be, in this moment now, without the thought that it could go wrong? That it could be hard? That you don’t know what will happen, or what it will really feel like?

Who would you be without the thought that it would be upsetting to lose the race, miss the airplane, not have enough money, not be able to control anything about the outcome?

Martin Seligman, famous in the field of psychology for studying learned helplessness and depression, began to study well-being in the 1960s.

Turns out, he created a manual (with the help of other wonderful researchers of human psychology) called Character Strengths and Virtues which is the opposite, or counterpart, to the DSM or Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

One focuses on what can go right with human behavior and thinking. One focuses on what can go wrong with human behavior and thinking.

In the most simple, simple, simple way….turning any painful thought around to its opposite and imagining if it’s possible that this be true, is a sliver of what The Work is about.

I anticipate things will go badly, I’m scared, I’m nervous, what if “x”, what if “y”…and these are dreadful, horrifying, sickening, sad.

Turned around: I anticipate things will go wonderfully, I’m excited, I’m full of energy, what if “x”, what if “y”…and these are new, challenging, wild, wondrous, thrilling.

Does it matter whether you know or don’t know what will actually happen?

Who, or what, would you be if you knew that even death, endings, change, something being over, something beginning from the very start, losing, winning, acquiring, emptying, leaving…

…was all going to be absolutely, fundamentally OK?

“Starting right now, this moment, I am asking you to become the Buddha. I am asking you to take your stand, to stand absolutely firm in your intention to awaken to the Truth of your Self……..Stand up! You are the Buddha! You are freedom itself! Stop dreaming your dream! Stop pretending that you are in bondage—stop telling yourself that lie!” ~ Adyashanti

Much love, Grace