Tag: Anthony De Mello

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Stop Your Nightmare With Understanding

A long time ago a beautiful inquirer began to work with me after she had been diagnosed with a rare form of cancer.

At that time, she was one of the first people I worked with on painful thoughts born out of her experience.

I had cancer before myself. Also a rare type, mine was a sarcoma of the interstitial skin on my thigh…with a really weird medical name that I’ve never been able to pronounce.

I remember that moment when I had the most fear.

In the doctor’s office, having the stitches removed, when the doctor said “I’ll just take these stitches out from the biopsy and then you can get dressed and then we’ll talk about the results.”

She’s waiting to talk to me about the results she received from my biopsy?

Adrenaline rush.

The core belief “I’m going to die” and that is really frightening.

Later, when I began to work with people who had cancer, or had previously had it, I thought they’d immediately want to talk about the fear of death, the terror of losing health, deteriorating, feeling physical pain.

But almost everyone who has ever come to talk with me after having cancer (even if they currently have it) has had the very same thoughts that all of us have when we’re healthy.

  • What will people think?
  • Will the people I encounter on this journey be kind?
  • Will my kids, employees, neighbors, friends, partner be OK with this?
  • Did I do something wrong?
  • What will it be like when I die?

The mind seems to be concerned with these questions, and concerned with forgetting about them too. Since there aren’t any clear, known answers….the problem-solving mind really doesn’t like that very much.

But when a diagnosis enters your life, you don’t forget quite as easily. It’s in your face, it has more import somehow.

You look.

It’s an incredible opportunity. You can do this inquiry today no matter what kind of health condition you’re in…since we’re all eventually dying.

So….is it true that people may think poorly of you, or avoid you in life? Is it true that you need people to be kind? Do you have to worry about the people close to you if you leave?

Is it possible you did something wrong? Do you need to know what it will be like when you die?

Apparently not.

If you answered yes to anything, notice this one, and ask yourself if it is absolutely true.

My client long ago had the thought that other people judge her poorly, maybe avoid her, say fake nice things to her. She felt very alone. So painful!

How do you react when you believe the thought that people may think thoughts about you that are frightening or unfavorable? What happens when you worry about those you love and what will happen to them if you go away, or have a problem?

And that gripping thought that you must have done something wrong, yikes!

Who would you be without these thoughts?

Sit very still and feel that question. You can still hear the chatter, but imagine who you’d be without believing it.

Without any thoughts about what will happen in the future, even in two hours, or what other people are thinking that’s mean or frightening…

…you may feel a rest and relaxation that is unlike anything you’ve ever known.

You may notice that for this instant, you are OK. You can handle what’s happening, and something else is ultimately handling it and it’s not really up to you.

“Understand your nightmare for what it is, and it will stop; then you will wake up to reality. Understand your false beliefs and they will drop; then you will know the taste of happiness.” ~ Anthony De Mello

Turning the thoughts around:

  • Whatever people think is absolutely fine
  • Every person I encounter will contribute to my enlightenment
  • My kids, friends, employees, neighbors and partner will be completely OK
  • Did I do something right?
  • What is it like as I live?

What if these were exciting, and just as true, or truer?

“God, as I use the word, is another name for what is. I always know God’s intention: It’s exactly what is in every moment.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’re struggling with inquiry in your life and allowing what is, and would like guidance in doing it…

…I am here for you.

I love facilitating people through their situations, their painful beliefs.

Every person who arrives to do inquiry is a gift on my own path.

This summer, I’m giving ample opportunity to people who would love regular call-in times, open 90 minute sessions for inquiry, at pre-set hours all summer.

I’m calling it Summer Camp because it’s a time to rest in inquiry, relax, let the process unfold as a dance for you, answering the questions, following the un-doing.

I never took the time to really inquire into my own thoughts about life and death until I began to lose things I believed were really scary to lose.

You can start inquiring when things are terrifying, or long before, it doesn’t matter.

Someone just wrote to ask if Summer Camp will be crowded.

It is limited to 20 people per live session, so the answer is “no”. You will get facilitated time, focused attention, and find awesome partners to trade facilitation sessions.

Join fellow inquirers on a journey inward and you may find yourself becoming lighter, lighter, and lighter.

Even about things like cancer or dying.

Much love, Grace

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That Thought Is But A Dream

The other morning I woke up with a vivid dream in my mind. It wasn’t even real, it was a dream.

But I felt sad.

In the dream, I stopped by the home of very, very dear friends who I haven’t been in contact with for several years. It was a home I spent lots and lots of time in for about 5-6 years when my son was first born. My son is now about to turn 20.

They gave me a tour of their home in the dream. It had been remodeled multiple times, holding more and more rooms. I asked my friends questions, and they politely answered, but I kinda got the feeling like they were wondering why the heck I stopped by.

They weren’t welcoming. More like….why are you here, and when are you leaving, and we aren’t that interested.

I felt embarrassed.

AND IT WAS A DREAM!

Kind of amazing to think about that….the reaction doesn’t care if it was “real” or “imagined”.

For the next few hours I thought about those old friends who I dearly loved, who supported me in many ways back then….feeling gratitude, and regret, and loss, and appreciation all mixed up together….and then the thought hit me:

I’m horrible at maintaining friendships.

I work too much, I get too focused and passionate, I’m obsessive, I’m intense, I’m introverted, I have an attachment disorder, look at all the people I once was close with who are now not in my life! OMG!

Ha ha! When I thought that, I almost burst out laughing.

The mind will run through all kinds of possibilities, in fact EVERY possibility you can think of, with great dramatic flair.

Well, OK,  this mind apparently does that.

Giving this kind of dramatic personal thought respectful consideration can be profoundly eye-opening with The Work.

Is it true that there is something wrong with my ability to connect, to have friendships, or that they might not be interested (God forbid)?

Yes. I isolate. I’m very one-track minded. I’m like a dog with a bone. I’m not very expressive. I don’t try very hard. I like the Cone of Silence too much. And they aren’t interested, or they would have called me.

What personality trait do YOU have, that you criticize yourself for having?

Can you absolutely know that it’s true there’s something wrong with you? That the way it goes for you is not good? That being that way creates loss, or difficulty, for others (or for you)?

No. I can’t know that. Sigh.

How do you react when you list your faults? Or even believe one of them is true?

Must. Get. Rid. Of. Defect.

I “work” on myself.

When that doesn’t work, I get depressive, discouraged, unforgiving…..sad.

But who would you be without believing the thought that you’re horrible at something, that you’re too “x” or not enough “y”?

“If you wish to be fully alive, you must develop a sense of perspective. Life is infinitely greater than this trifle your heart is attached to and which you have given the power to so upset you.” ~ Tony De Mello

Oh, you mean….remember that IT WAS A DREAM?

Turning the thoughts around, I am fabulous at maintaining friendships. Gosh…I even dream about them 15 years later! I remember some people, then I forget, then I remember, and I feel such gratitude. I feel my heart warming up and delighting in how fun they were.

I am this kind of personality, sort of, apparently…and that changes and morphs and I’m not really sure. I’m the opposite of everything I think; extroverted, unfocused, easy-going, attached and a great friend.

All I know is, doing The Work makes this all funny, innocent, curious, weird, in-explainable, fascinating.

“Stories are the untested, uninvestigated theories that tell us what all these things mean. We don’t even realize that they’re just theories.” ~ Byron Katie

Row, row, row your boat

Gently down the stream

Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily

Life is but a dream.

That thought is but a dream! DOH! I get it!

Much love, Grace

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What To Do About Annoying Interruptions

May 3rd: mini retreat in Seattle, 1:30-5:30 pm at Goldilocks Cottage. Mini retreats offer a power-packed in-depth investigation of a situation you find faulty in your life. You’ll look at what you are against and take it through the four questions. Everyone welcome. You can earn 4 CEUs if you’re a mental health professional. 

Speaking of power-packed in-depth investigations…

The three Year of Inquiry (YOI) groups have been coming up with such juicy, brilliant concepts for questioning. Very universal (they all are, really).

But yesterday morning, we looked at a moment everyone in this world has probably experienced, with varying degrees of disturbance.

Your Peace. Interrupted.

By that other person entering the building, coming home early, yelling loudly, shouting in the crowd, calling you when you’re busy, stopping by unexpectedly, turning on the TV, asking you for something.

Kids, spouses, partners, friends, strangers.

Humans can interrupt you at any time, any moment!! It’s a mine field out there!! Escape for the hills!

The type of interruption we observed was the kind where someone is friendly, exuberant even (one YOI member was investigating her thoughts about a puppy), cute, interested in you, innocent….

…someone you love, who you care about and often spend time with.

Except not right now.

I’m BUSY!! JEEZ!!

Can’t you see I’m trying to “fill-in-the-blank”? (Write, read, meditate, answer emails, talk to someone else).

That little split second of a moment when you want to shut them down, annoyed, angry, wanting to un-do this disturbing moment.

But who would you be without the thought that you are truly disturbed?

Without the thought that having no choice in that moment is a bad thing?

“In most cases, you have no right to demand that this person live up to your expectations; someone else in your place would be exposed to this behavior and would experience no annoyance at all. Just contemplate this truth….How foolish of  you to demand that someone else live up to standards and norms programmed into you.” ~ Anthony de Mello

This does not mean that you never speak up, never make requests. You may move yourself into more pleasant surroundings. There will be a most loving approach, all the way around.

Turning the thought around: My peace is not interrupted.

My peace is never interrupted.

Can you find where this could be truer?

“The Master’s power is like this. He lets all things come and go effortlessly, without desire. He never expects results; thus he is never disappointed. He is never disappointed; thus his spirit never grows old.” ~ Tao Te Ching #55

Don’t read this as a way you are not measuring up….simply notice, contemplate.

Can you let one tiny part of your resistance go? Even just a little teensy eensy bit may make a huge difference next time.

You never know.

Much love, Grace

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Bring On The Bad Stuff

Recently with the Year of Inquiry group we gathered to do some looking at “underlying beliefs” in a conference call.

The definition of Underlying Beliefs is pretty much how it sounds….Beliefs that Lay Underneath. But its worthy of looking a bit to understand what is meant, what’s at play.

“Underlying” in the dictionary means to form a basis or foundation of something. 

A “belief” is defined as an acceptance that something exists or is true. But I once heard a lecture where the speaker said the way she defined a “belief” is a thought that you think over and over again. 

Even if you’re not positive it is 100% true. 

So Underlying Beliefs would be the foundation or basis of other beliefs, and full of core thoughts that you may be thinking over and over again.

Now….the crazy thing is that anyone who spends any time taking a look at their own underlying assumptions or beliefs….starts seeing holes in them. 

Byron Katie speaks of questioning the thoughts that are stressful. Don’t worry about the thoughts that produce happiness, kindness, love, peace, or joy. 

While there are quite a few wonderful exercises to help you identify clearly what your own stressful Underlying Beliefs are….one of my favorites is this simple exercise. This is the one the YOI group (Year of Inquiry) all did together the other day. 

Think of a stressful situation, an exchange you had with someone, an uncomfortable moment in time. See what you don’t like the most. What the person is saying, or doing? What’s going on in the environment? Are you losing something? Are you afraid of losing something?

Now….write down one thought you have about that situation, that you feel is upsetting.

She shouldn’t have said that. I need more money. He’s a liar. She hurt me. I’m too fat. 

As you look at that one concept that you are thinking about, regarding that situation….take a look at what Underlying Beliefs might have to be in place in order to believe this thought.

If someone had this thought, what beliefs would they have to have in place, some assumptions at a very deep level….maybe something that has been repeated for many years, in order to believe this thought?

You can do this without blaming yourself, tearing yourself to shreds, or feeling guilty. This is not about finding your faults, it’s only about research.

My thought: she shouldn’t have said that.

What would I have to believe, in order to be upset by what she said? What does it mean about me? Or about her? Or about life in general?

  • There are dangerous people (and she’s one of them)
  • I need to be careful in this world
  • bad things happen (banishment, betrayal, death, destruction)
  • I could lose friendship, love, approval, appreciation at a moments notice
  • people are unpredictable, they can hurt me

Once you have a concept or thought that appears to be true, or that you’re worried is true (even only sometimes) you can explore more assumptions that you may notice have been in place, maybe since you were a kid.

While they may be frightening, and bring up uncertainty, how amazing to then take these kinds of ancient thoughts, perhaps passed along for generations, to inquiry.For example….Bad Things Happen.

Even just saying it, you may notice images flash through your mind that appear to make this idea true. The mind will say “of course it’s true! Yikes!”

But is it? For real?

Like absolutely without any doubt?

Wait a moment.

Even if you say “yes” do some wondering about it, see if there’s any inkling of uncertainty….

…Because for me, I’ve seen amazing things come from what appears to be tragedy. I also have no idea if death is bad, or relationships that die are bad, or that change is bad, or that struggle is bad, or that destruction is bad.

In fact, some of the most incredible experiences and insights in my life have come from “bad” things happening.“There is no explanation you can give that would explain away all the sufferings and evil and torture and destruction and hunger in the world! You’ll never explain it. You can try gamely with your formulas, religious and otherwise, but you’ll never explain it. Because life is a mystery, which means your thinking mind cannot make sense out of it. For that you’ve got to wake up and then you’ll suddenly realize that reality is not problematic, you are the problem.” ~ Anthony De Mello 

How do I react when I believe that bad things happen? Anxious, protective mode, setting up boundaries, defending myself, eating lots of broccoli, hyper vigilant.

But who would I be without the thought that bad things happen? Even those bad things, yes. This is not denying that there isn’t some huge, gigantic, emotional shift, or that people aren’t completely bonkers sometimes (including moi) or that loss isn’t experienced……..this is not D.E.N.I.A.L. as Debbie Ford used to say “Don’t Even Notice I Am Lying” and thinking everything is roses and unicorns.

In fact, it’s the opposite of lying. It’s seeing and feeling the terror of annihilation, emptiness, loss, endings, apocalypse.

And then imagining who you would be, or what you would be, without the underlying belief that these are bad.

On my kitchen wall, every year my calendar choice has something to do with comics, superheroes, the incredible drawings of many artists. This year because of the LEG SITUATION (had to remind you, since we’re talking about bad things) all the exquisite comic calendars were sold out by the time I got to my favorite store.

I had to get a zombie survival guide calendar instead.

The more I’ve questioned my thinking, the funnier things are that involve total destruction.

Could it be that the rough stuff is not entirely evil, wrong and bad?

Well, so far, I’ve found something encouraging, fascinating, wonderful, curious, insightful, enlightening to come out of every “bad” thing that’s ever happened.

  • after divorce….movement towards viable, amazing career
  • after cancer….inquiry and awareness of love, kindness, do-it-now attitude, surrender, sweet preparation for eventual death
  • after death of friend, father….that person’s qualities in my heart and soul, inside me forever
  • after leg got injured….stunned to realize I don’t need a working body to experience joy….and slowing down
  • after misunderstanding with really close friend….career becoming more successful than ever
  • after losing much of what I owned, money, savings ….discovering my own safety

“Nothing ever goes wrong in life.” ~ Byron Katie

Isn’t what I mostly have wished for….my Underlying Wish….been for happiness, awareness, love, growth, clarity, and freedom?

Oh. Right!

Bring on the “bad” stuff.

Much love, Grace