The smell was not going away.
There it was again. A whiff through the air when opening the washing machine. Leaning down closely to the open door and drawing a big breath through the nose.
No, not right here. But where? Where is that smell coming from?
Once again, I went through the routine of following my nose through the kitchen. Seems like it’s near the oven, but the oven is super clean (in fact the entire kitchen has been scrubbed down, pine sol poured into the garbage disposal, every cupboard entirely cleaned out).
It’s not the new fridge, that thing is brand spankin’ new.
My husband, who by the way doesn’t really smell any of this until now, wonders if it’s a dead animal under the house?
No one wants to go under the cottage into the crawl space. A friend comes over who isn’t afraid, he has a big flashlight.
He doesn’t have to go in more than one foot, and he sees broken pipes….
….and….brown stuff, under the pipes on the ground.
Our friend says “fecal matter”.
We have a real, live, cesspool under our house. The toilet, shower, sink and washing machine have been dumping under the house for who knows how long. Maybe many months.
Great.
Kaboom. Stress. NOOOOOOOOO!
How much is this going to cost to fix?!!
The thoughts started in like a heavy rain storm pounding.
Just when I think I’m going to leave a small amount in savings, just when I thought we were done with house repairs (new roof this past winter), oh sure now that I’m entirely running on my own income another emergency, I can never get ahead, there is always someplace my money has to go, I can’t ever stop working working working, it’s not possible to rest or enjoy life, I hate being a homeowner, the universe is out to get me.
All from the thought “gross” to “how much?” to “I’m doomed” in less than two minutes.
Clenched fist punching the sky.
But luckily for me….the Money teleclass was about to start. So my mind was extra open and fresh and curious about money stories and the people writing to sign up.
Or maybe it was all the accumulated effect of doing the work on surprise alarming situations, many many times.
Something paused on the inside of me and didn’t go all the way down the hole. Almost as fast as the intense sinking, depressed, crushed feeling….came a whisper in my mind “is that true?”
This situation MEANS that the universe is out to get me…..but is that really true?
Do you have a situation like that?
It doesn’t have to be about money. You know the feeling.
Disaster. Terror. Rug pulled out and you are falling, falling and it hurts. Something feels like chaos. The unknown is pressing in.
This is strange though….but really look at your situation and see if you are totally and completely crushed, if you are destroyed, ruined, condemned.
Are you positive the universe is out to get you? Is it 100% mean, vicious, sadistic?
Stop and feel the moment. Just stop.
I was in my kitchen and even though a huge truck was pulling up, with special giant vacuum hoses and men with suits that zipped up over their heads, masks, booties that covered their shoes….
….something on the inside had stopped.
This is fascinating. Look how amazing this is. Wow, these guys have this job? Holy cow, what a crazy job–they clean up poop and sewage. What a cool and bizarre occupation. I wonder how much the hourly guys get paid?
Then, wow.
Their job matches my job. Mine is on the inside. Theirs is on the outside.
It’s a massive Clean Up job.
Time to get down under my house and start vacuuming. No matter what the smell, no matter how disgusting, ugly, frightening, creepy, sick, ill or old my thoughts are.
Time to expose them to the light.
I started laughing.
How do I react when I believe the thought that I am doomed and the universe is out to get me? That I can’t stand this and don’t have enough resources (money, time, energy, love) to help my situation?
Ugh. It’s like being kicked in the stomach.
I feel angry with the pipes. They should be intact. I feel guilty and enraged all at once with the condition of the earth under my cottage. I have visions of what it looks like down there, even though I haven’t even actually seen it myself. One of the clean up guys says there were a lot of maggots and maggot eggs.
OMG. Ewww.
You may have pictures in your mind of a terrible, difficult future. Of a life not worth living. You may be seeing a horror movie in your head.
But who would you be without this belief that the universe is out to crush you?
Sometimes, if your situation feels extreme and dire and grave, you may have to pause a moment and use your incredible imagination.
Yes, you have an imagination….have you noticed? Like the-whole-universe-hates-you-and-this-proves-it imagination?
May as well put that imagination to use in a way that feels better, since it’s going nuts anyway.
Who would you be if you couldn’t even have the thought that you’re doomed?
I see that in this moment, with guys in hazmat suits (because of this incident, I learned the word hazmat for the first time) life is exceptionally entertaining.
Really.
Guys are shouting and changing filters and bagging up huge black plastic garbage bags of “contaminated material”.
I have a live action movie happening in my own back yard.
Something is sprayed under the house with the word “enzyme” and a big chemical smell, but better than putrid stinky smell, invades the house, and then fades out within 24 hours.
And the guy tells me it will be $930.
Is that all?
No money terror, pipe fixed, smell gone, mind laughing, fun story added to life experiences, appreciation felt.
The same as when I question my troubled, ugly, stinking, dark, horror show thoughts about life.
I clean it up.
It smells better.
It’s waaaaay more fun, and entertaining. No complaints.
“To me, a car alarm is as beautiful as a bird singing. It’s all the sound of God. By its very nature, the mind is infinite. Once it has questioned its beliefs, it can find beauty in all things; it’s that open and free. This is not a philosophy. This is how world really is…..A mind that doesn’t question its judgments makes the world very small and dangerous. It must continue to fill the world with bad things and bad people, and in doing so it creates its own suffering.” ~ Byron Katie
Can I find beauty in a sewer spill?
Can I find beauty in a twisted mental freaked out fear-based story of complaining?
Does it get cleaned up?
Yes.
Much love, Grace