I’ve gotten emails lately from people who are discouraged and saying “this isn’t working, I just binged again” or “I’m not staying on track” or “can I just work on my eating troubles…later?”
I get a little serious with you today in my video.
Because if your Voice talks at you and doesn’t care if you fail, or says things like “you’re a loser” or “you’ll never get this” or “keeping a journal of my eating and feelings doesn’t work” or “fuck it, just eat”….
….then this way of deep recovery and peace may not be for you.
If you want to keep feeding the self-hate Voice, the terrified Voice, the mean Voice….then find a special diet program or join a gym.
Nothing wrong with doing either of those.
In fact, I encourage people to do these things when its done in self-love and self-respect (I go to the gym almost every day in fact, I love my gym).
But this awareness approach….the one called Self Love….a voice of compassion, gentleness and peace….
….that’s the only way I ever found permanent care for myself, and the end of eating craziness.
Reaching too hard for money? Question your thinking, relax about money.
I’m excited for this coming Money Soul Sunday. Come join me if you want to do the work on money.
Suggested donation for 3 Sundays for 9-11 am Pacific Time inquiry sessions is $33 – $99 for one, two or three weeks, come to any or all.
If you’re having trouble with paying, it’s OK….just write to me by hitting reply.
Every session will be recorded and sent to anyone who wants this work.
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You might know my dreaded story of losing money, wanting money, obsessing about money, being so discouraged about money I could hardly handle it (but apparently, I did).
It felt soooooooo horrible at the time.
It even felt horrible AFTER the time.
I would remember the anxiety, like I was holding my breath, wondering constantly from month to month if I could pull the house payment together.
My kids were eligible for free meals at school.
I could have gone on food stamps, but was too proud to start the process.
I would dress in my power suit, and go to interviews. At least 20 once I really started pounding the pavement.
Many times, I was a finalist. I had never had such a strange “losing” streak with one person getting hired over me in the final decision.
Except.
Here’s the weird thing.
That whole pins-and-needles time of wondering what would happen every day with money, I had a secret.
I tried to smash it down and hide it and change it and bury it in the ground and fix myself.
My secret?
I did NOT WANT TO WORK at a J-O-B.
Seriously, I was so angry at the system, so bored in past jobs, feeling like a loser, and not having gotten the right education, and having let myself become dependent in a marriage, and not actually being all that interested in ANY companies or organizations.
Plus let’s not even get started on my feelings about the “nothing” I had to offer.
My self-esteem was so trashed….
….I never felt genuine and authentic in any single interview.
But a part of my process, at that time, was to begin to do The Work in earnest on not only money, but on work. Having a boss, co-workers, commutes, break rooms, cubicles.
I really had some negative ideas about “work”.
Did you notice I called work….which is really the very dynamic (and often fun, and challenging) experience of offering services and expertise in exchange for participating in an organizational community….
….a J-O-B like it was a swear word??
I hated the thought of someone “controlling” me and bossing me around, and expecting me to act certain ways.
I thought it would mean I was being suppressed, imprisoned, and enslaved.
Phew.
That was some rough and stressful thinking!
Thank goodness I recognized the stress and started asking myself….
….who would I be without the belief that getting a job was like going to prison and conforming to an office-building environment, forever?
Ha ha, I laugh at myself now.
Because without the belief, I noticed I felt excited about work.
And after I questioned my thoughts about jobs, I started getting more interested in the job hunt. At the very same time as people started asking me to facilitate them for sessions in The Work.
I got a part time job, not a full time one, through a weird series of circumstances. Which was perfect because it gave me time to work with more clients at home.
And at my new part time job, I loved the people, the interesting new problems, the communication challenges, my beautiful fancy office chair, the conference rooms with stunning views of the lake below, and excellent health insurance.
I loved the meetings, the really incredible professionals I met, the watching, learning, hearing and learning mega details about medicine and treatments I would never have learned in a million years normally, outside of medical school.
I practically miss that job, it was so cool.
Wow.
I never could have imagined actually becoming generally comfortable, feeling like I belonged, at a J-O-B.
Thank goodness for The Work.
It helped me turn my entire attitude towards finding jobs and earning money around to making it more like “play” in my reality.
Well….OK, that might be getting a little carried away (the word play) but it certainly wasn’t so “hard” all the time.
It was not positive thinking or trying to have a positive attitude, it was actually seeing it for real. A wonderful place to be for certain times during the week, with pretty awesome people.
If you’re upset about work, or unemployment, or co-workers, or commuting, or paychecks, or raises, or anything you do in your experience of money….
….question your thinking, change your world.
“I’ve never seen a work or money problem that didn’t turn out to be a thinking problem. I used to believe that I needed money to be happy. Even when I had a lot, I was often sick with the fear that something terrible would happen and I would lose it. I realize now that no amount of money is worth that kind of stress.” ~ Byron Katie
We’ll be doing this on May 10, May 17, May 24. Join me!
Last weekend, I actually chose to cancel a really fun awesome social event I host in my home from time to time….singing.
I had a sore throat.
One of this body’s things is sore throats.
Some people get allergies, or colds, or sinus infections, or bladder infections, or fevers, or migraines.
But I’ve had some killer sore throats. Like, the kind a doctor got out a big shot gun needle and gave me penicillin in my thigh as a kid because I couldn’t even swallow a drop of water my throat hurt so much.
I’d say at least once a year, here comes the sore throat.
I knew it was right to cancel singing with everyone because I felt such relief once I did it, and I went to bed to lie down.
But before I actually decided….
….I noticed the idea come through my mind “you could cancel, you know….”
And I watched myself not cancel.
Not yet.
Maybe I’ll get a second wind.
Maybe it will start to go away.
Maybe I could enjoy myself anyway–we’ve all had one of those experiences where even though you’re pretty sure you’re ill or have a virus–you go anyway, and have a good time.
Once a decision was made, there was no problem. Resting and sleeping, very soundly, was a brilliant idea.
But that in-between zone before making that decision….that was hard.
I love everyone who’s coming, I don’t want to be disappointed, we won’t get to sing again for weeks and its already been a long time, I need to connect with fun people, I’ll regret it if I say no.
Who would I be without the belief I’ll be unhappy in the future because of a decision I make right now?
What if ANY decision made is the right one, and there’s no “wrong” decision, no alternative that might have gone better (or worse)?
Because the one made is the only reality.
There is no alternative.
Who would you be without the belief you made the wrong decision, or a troubling decision, or a hard decision, or a bad or awkward decision?
I’d be resting.
Smiling when my friend texts me a photo of the pot of friend rice he had prepared for the potluck now canceled, saying he now gets to eat it all himself.
Noticing the stillness of the air in the room, the comfortable bed, the aching glands, the sweetness of holding still.
Today, I still have a bit of whatever is visiting this body, but I’m writing, podcasting, meeting with several clients via skype and phone, sending emails, up out of bed….but not moving fast, eating vitamin C, feeling the slow energy.
Could slow-pace quiet stillness all by myself be just as good as friends gathering together?
Apparently yes.
Here’s to decisions, and what unfolds naturally, and noticing it’s really not a problem.
Enjoy laughing about decisions.
If it’s not so funny for you….question that thought.
The other day, I caught a glimpse of the skin on my forearm resting lightly against a wooden table.
All in a flash I saw the loose skin, a kind of sagging in the inner elbow.
Old skin.
Skin that’s been around awhile in this body (54 years and 2 months to be exact).
In seconds I also had a whole series of thoughts:
This will all be over soon. I’m on the downhill slope. The end is coming.
I notice there’s a voice slightly upset, chattering, nervous, not sure about what to do or think about the temporariness of this body and this life.
Who would I be without believing there’s something to be upset about when it comes to having an aging body?
Without the belief that being here only for one lifetime, in this body, is sad or nerve-wracking or uncomfortable or disappointing?
Wow.
Almost incomprehensible, to that small voice with ideas about survival, youth, life-is-better-than-death.
But I notice there is absolutely no control over the pace of life unfolding.
I am not calling the shots.
I am not the one in charge.
As I imagine and contemplate who I’d be without the belief in this thought that sagging skin, or aging, is “bad”….
….I sink into a deep quiet, feeling my arm still against the cool wooden table, hearing voices and distant music, seeing green leaves waving in the breeze through the window.
Knowing nothing, nothing, nothing.
Except the feeling of this moment, and silence.
I turn around the thought: this is good, I’m on the way towards a big change (death) and it will be amazing, there is nothing wrong whatsoever, the skin is neither ugly nor beautiful, all is very, very well.
Could this be just as true, or truer?
“People who believe their unquestioned thoughts cannot see what is obvious and directly in front of their faces at all times, because they are invested in what they believe to be true. As long as they live out of an unquestioned mind, they must continue to argue with what they believe is happening rather than the reality of what is really happening.” ~ Byron Katie
Do I notice anything obvious, directly in front of my face, when it comes to this whole temporarily-here thing, being briefly present, being a baby, child, teen, adult…changing, changing, changing without ANY control at all?
Well, yes.
It’s called Rest.
Nothing to do, nothing to manage….
….like falling through space and instead of kicking and screaming like a cat trying to get itself upright….
….falling with pure relaxation, surrender, emptiness, peace.
“The master gives himself up to whatever the moment brings. He knows that he is going to die, and he has nothing left to hold on to: no illusions in his mind, no resistances in his body. He doesn’t think about his actions, they flow from the core of his being.” ~ Tao Te Ching #50
Do you see money as beautiful as the flowers, no matter how big or how little?
Have you been worried about money….again?
Well, I know I have.
I’ve heard from many others who appear to be plagued by money woes as well.
Not enough, I never make my OWN money, too many taxes, that client didn’t pay, that program costs too much, I should have gotten a better raise, must tighten the belt, where will it come from tomorrow, can’t EVER get enough, that was a disappointing business deal, my house sold for less than I thought, my art doesn’t sell well enough, I need more for retirement…..
…..on and on go the money thoughts.
Since I noticed my own money thoughts (very pissy about things costing too much, like my health insurance, getting the wall fixed, travel)….
….I knew it was time to offer something different.
Sliding scale.
And if you’ve got nothing, then heck….pay only $5 to cover the paypal service fee….and you’re in.
Yes, really.
People who want to do The Work on Money don’t always have a lot of money, or they THINK they don’t have a lot of money, or they’re crazy worried about money and want to keep it very close.
I know the feeling.
So let’s do The Work.
May Money Sunday Soul Sessions.
May 10, 17 and 24 from 9 am – 11 am Pacific Time.
It might seem funny to say “money” and “soul” in the same sentence, but I find my thoughts about money have been my thoughts about life, the universe and reality.
There won’t be enough. I’m not cared for or supported. I have to do this all by myself.
Let’s turn it around and do it together, instead.
Click here to sign up. You can join via the web or telephone/skype.
Even if you don’t get the chance to be the one in the hot seat, bringing a thought to inquiry, you’ll get to follow along, do your work, give yourself this most powerful investigation, for your own sake and for everyone else’s too.
Let’s be part of the Peace Movement, even with money.
Question your thinking, change your world.
Join me by clicking to my website here, and clicking the Buy button.
“Who would you be without the thought ‘I need more money to be safe?’ You might be a lot easier to be with. You might even begin to notice the laws of generosity, the laws of letting money go out fearlessly and come back fearlessly. You don’t ever need more money than you have.” ~ Byron Katie
“Wealth is the ability to fully experience life.” ~ Henry David Thoreau
If you’re coming to spend 4 days with Byron Katie via internet video (Katie will be in Switzerland) in a retreat lodge near my house July 11-14, then be sure to sign up soon. We’re nearly full and we’re limited to 24 participants. Click HERE to confirm your spot.
There’s one bedroom still available. Hit reply if you want to reserve it. You can also throw your sleeping bag down on a cot or mattress for only $10 per night. The fee for the event is $165 for the entire 4 days and most of us will commute each day. We’ll watch Katie remotely who will be directing the retreat. We’ll share lunch together (potluck style in the amazing beautiful kitchen).
Can’t wait to hang out with you, and Katie.
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If you left something in the dust, could it be absolutely OK…even good?
Last night I entered my home after driving straight from California, past the magnificent Mt Shasta, up the passes and down the passes, through flat farm land then into greener and greener northwest and Mt St Helens, equally as magnificent. All these volcanoes where I live, in a long row.
I was driving for 12 hours and 45 minutes.
Oddly, I didn’t feel too uncomfortable, or stiff. I had a few bathroom breaks and two stops for gas.
But inside after arriving, I felt a little like the ground was moving and undulating.
I felt hot and sticky.
And then, I realized I left my favorite pillow in California.
Plus my phone charger.
Arrrrgggghhhhh!!
How could I be such a ditz? What’s WRONG with me? That’s my favorite pillow….waaaaahhhhh.
In googling the phone number of the hotel, and talking with the front desk manager, she reports it is not found.
Nope. Staff says its not seen.
I remember being in the hotel several years ago and leaving my cell phone in a hotel, having to pay $100 fed ex bill for them to “overnight” it back to me which took a week.
And another time, leaving a book with great sentimental value and torn pages on the bedside table, which also was “never found”.
I’m already picturing finding one of those pillows online.
Where did it come from, how can I get another one? Since it was a gift.
Thoughts running fast into the future…acquiring the thing lost.
And those lying, stealing rats at the hotel who cleaned my room!!
My mind repeats the scene of leaving the hotel room quickly because I lost track of the time and suddenly jumped up and raced out the door.
Not exactly detailed oriented here.
Pillow, pillow, pillow. I want my pillow.
But what if this was all OK, in the great scheme of things?
I don’t mean passive OK—people get so upset about this—like standing up for yourself and not being passive means screaming and yelling and feeling horrible and flailing your arms all around and making demands and attacking other people.
What if it was just a simple reality, and I choose to do what I can….
….with JOY?
What if the way consciousness lives itself in this personality that is apparently someone called Grace Bell is pretty spaced out when it comes to time, calendars, technology, and thingies (like pillows and phones and chargers)?
I chuckle, thinking of my kids, especially my oldest who behaves more like me, and someone saying several years ago….
…..”he would forget his head if it wasn’t attached to his body”.
And the lightness of that, the appeal.
Who would you be without the belief you have to have it right, orderly, you must “keep” all these items near you, or that you even own them at all?
What if everything was lost, burned up, gone?
Isn’t that what I’ve always been interested in anyway?
“This burning is itself, grace. I am very happy for you in this burning. Mind cannot help. Mind wants to have a little check list of what’s going on. I need to do ‘this’…Keep your hands together in this fire. Something is taking care of everything in this fire. It is purifying everything…This fire is burning fiercely, but it WILL NOT BURN YOU. It will burn what you are not. Burn on.” ~ Mooji
Even in this moment of leaving something behind I loved, as simple as a pillow, I see it is not required.
And it doesn’t mean I don’t find another one, just like it.
It also doesn’t mean that next time I won’t choose to leave my favorite things behind for safe-keeping, write a strong letter to the management.
I call and talk to the head of hotel staff to ask them to question everyone who cleaned the room, and request she call me back tomorrow with an update.
There is such great freedom in being with this experience without fury, with clarity and love.
And probably more effective too, all around.
Laughing, I think about bringing something next time on purpose to leave behind….a little gift for the housekeeping staff like a blanket, a bag of yummy foods, some books.
The retreat is over that I’ve been on. Time to go home.
Have you ever felt a melancholy, or sadness, or a sense of wanting something to continue?
Don’t let this change! I want this to stay just the way it is, in this moment, in this experience.
I don’t want to forget this peace.
I want to keep this awareness, joy, openness, learning.
Or, you might have had the experience that you want to keep a person in your life….
I don’t want to break up! I hate getting divorced!
Or, to keep your good fortune….
I want to always keep this pile of money and never ever have it diminish!
Or, to keep your health, your fitness, your youth.
I want my body to be the way it was, I hate this change.
Wanting to maintain a moment or experience can have a little edge of sadness, angst or worry.
Maybe a big edge. To put it mildly.
I noticed this myself, in tiny moments as this retreat came to a close.
Our group has shared, everyone has connected beautifully, there is a feeling of love and kindness and trust. I have new insight to my experience of being a human being, alive on this planet.
I HAVE TO KEEP THIS FEELING!
Chuckle.
How do you react when you think you need to keep something?
Even if you still have it, do you notice you feel clingy and grabby?Like you need to milk this for all its worth (as the saying goes)?
If a meaningful or pleasant experience is indeed over….
….do you feel terrible fear, sadness or panic that your future is not as bright?
Who would you be without this thought?
Open to this moment here, right now.
Not only open to it…but accepting of it…resigned to it.
Wow. What a relief.
The turnaround: I do not have to keep any feeling. I have to NOT keep this feeling. It is not possible to keep any feeling. I have to let go of this feeling.
No “I” is keeping or releasing anything.
Ha ha ha!
“We forget that there is no future, there is no peace later. Whatever is arising in the now is all I have.” ~ Ross Oldenstadt
Since I’ve been teaching a course on Desire and The Work, I’ve been reflecting almost daily on the experience of desire, and questioning stressful belief.
The word desire originally comes from Latin meaning “await what the stars will bring”.
Desire, with this joyful definition, feels like a dance in the present moment.
But the word can conjure up a lot of distress and conflict.
Sometimes…..
…..desire leads to anguish.
Shouldn’t I try NOT to desire? Aren’t there BAD things that will hurt if I got them? Or destroy trust, or hurt other people?
I can’t just go stealing my neighbor’s television set, I mean….seriously. That would be WRONG.
Right?
Unrequited love, striving to achieve career success and exhausting yourself in the process, being practically violent to yourself in the gym or on a diet, controlling yourself from lust or cravings, feeling jealous of those who have what you’re sure you want.
What to do?
The thing I’ve found most illuminating is inquiry.
First….ask why you want what you imagine you want.
Not HOW you’re going to get it. Which is what the first question usually is, and the action follows that “how” without taking a breather.
The mind thinks “I want money, I want a good body, I want fame, I want enlightenment, I want to be with him/her, I want love, I want praise, I want this, I want that….” and then takes off trying to figure out how to get it.
Project Get.
What would it be like to be without the belief that you should have it exactly the way you want it?
What if it was fun to watch what you want fade, blaze up, fade again, and make no difference to your life at all?
What is desire….awaiting what the stars may bring….when you feel no stress about it?
What if what is here is not a problem, and neither is where you are going?
I find, every time, freedom to be exactly here (without the *thing* I think I want–like a million dollars–ha ha) is so beautiful, so exciting, so fun….
….the desire morphs into a compassionate peace beyond all belief.
And every time, I’m closer to the thing I wanted in the first place.
Which is love, joy, trust, silence.
Every time.
“Desires that destroy their subjects, or objects, or do not subside on satisfaction are self-contradictory and cannot be fulfilled. Only desires motivated by love, goodwill and compassion are beneficial to both the subject and object and can be fully satisfied…..The entire universe strives to fulfill a desire born of compassion.” ~ Nisargadatta
If you have something you want fulfilled, and you are suffering about it….
….begin to inquire.
Why do you want it? What would you have, if you had it? Are you sure you are unfulfilled without it?
Can you feel joy, ecstasy, mystery, happiness….before you acquire the thing you think you want?
A friend tells me about another friend we both know.
“Did you see how she dominated the conversation at dinner? It was so irritating!”
Yes, I did notice that other friend tells pretty long stories, describes scenes with detail, took the floor quite a bit during the dinner in question.
But I hadn’t ever thought for one second “she is dominating the conversation”.
So while I noticed certain behaviors, sounds, a way this talkative friend was being….
….I didn’t have the thought it needed to be different.
It never occurred to me.
It wasn’t because I was trying to not be bothered. I really didn’t notice.
But.
I did have a thought about this friend who was telling me about the other friend.
Uh oh.
This one talking and telling me about the other one should calm down, be more accepting, stop finding fault with our other friend. She should stop trying to make outcomes turn out a certain way (like all-conversations-with-no-person-dominating).
She shouldn’t be so dominating.
I just joined the party. In an instant.
Sigh.
Who would I be without the belief that my friend’s opinion is uncomfortable, troubling, or dominating for me? Without the belief she should stop being concerned with what she’s concerned with?
I’d hear her. I’d feel like a relaxed listener.
The turnarounds are the most important for me:
I shouldn’t be so dominating of myself, in this situation.
So true. Holy cow.
In that moment when my friend is expressing herself and talking about our other “dominating” friend, I could gently respond.
I could say how, truth be told, I have no idea how to handle someone who is talking a whole lot and that I’ve always just ignored this type of behavior.
I could notice, even say out loud, that I have no solution for this type of intercourse happening in life. I could share that when someone is “dominating” my usual course of action has been to back out of the room slowly, or simply depart.
I don’t want to argue, I’m a bit afraid of the unknown, I’m sad about people not getting along, I don’t know what to say or do.
I notice I’ve “dominated” myself by putting up with numerous incidents in my life, not feeling comfortable about conflict.
I’ve refrained from saying “no” when I felt a clear “no” within. And there I was not saying anything in that moment, in that situation.
I could so lovingly say to my complaining friend “I didn’t notice what you noticed. You could just let it go?” and open up to a conversation with her about it….
….rather than wanting her to be quiet.
In my mind, the other turnaround is also true: “I am dominating her”.
I’m thinking she’s a complainer and trying too hard to control everything about her other friends who talk. I’m moving away from her internally, feeling less connected, less bonded. I don’t like her so much anymore.
Then I feel, I remember, I make contact with the part of me that’s full of compassion, love and honesty, and never in the end afraid to tell the truth out loud.
I’ve always loved this about being me.
And I know a conversation needs to happen.
“To complain is always nonacceptance of what is. It invariably carries an unconscious negative charge. When you complain, you make yourself into a victim. When you speak out, you are in your power. So change the situation by taking action or by speaking out if necessary or possible; leave the situation or accept it. All else is madness.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
The other day, I caught a glimpse of the skin on my forearm resting lightly against a wooden table.
A friend tells me about another friend we both know.