Summer Camp For The Mind is coming next month!! I am sooooo excited!!
This is 5 weeks of daily 90 minute calls giving you the chance to do The Work with me. I am deeply honored to work with whomever shows up.
How does Summer Camp work?
We start with a no-fee 2-hour telesession on Sunday, July 5th from 8-10 am Pacific Time.
Everyone welcome. Even if you’re not continuing in Summer Camp for the remainder of the session.
You’ll dial-in using skype or phone, or connect via the internet where you can listen in and follow along.
Then, everyone who is on board to continue for 5 weeks of Summer Camp for The Mind can start the very next day.
We meet July 6 – August 7 (no calls on 7/13 or 7/14) but otherwise, there’s a call EVERY DAY Monday – Friday at all different hours so you can pick what works for you in your time zone….
….AND 3 weekend 2-hour summer-jam calls where the only thing required is to dial-in, show up, and bring your open mind.
If you want to get all the details, the sliding scale fee, and the daily schedule of Summer Camp for The Mind….click HERE.
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Phew.
That was a lot of details to sort out for this month of July.
Getting website updated, marking in my calendar, making sure nothing conflicts with anything else.
But who would anyone be without the belief it has to be mistake-proof, or all the details must be in perfect order before a roll-out, or you need to get everything done on time or ASAP?
Light, free.
Noticing action happens….movement happens with planning, dates, times, meetings.
Just no requirement for them to be a certain way, or not a certain way.
Wow. The glory and freedom of questioning thoughts, even about work tasks, household chores, to-do lists.
Everything becomes freedom. Even this.
“I never have the sense that anything I haven’t done is un-done. I see the things that don’t get done as things that need a different timing; I and the world are better off without them, for now. I have hundreds of emails waiting for me on my computer, some of them from people who are desperately asking for my response, but I never feel frustrated that I don’t have time to answer them. I do the best I can, and I’m clear that people don’t need me; since we all come from the same wisdom, they can give themselves what they need if I’m not available. What really matters is always available to everyone. Nothing comes ahead of its time, and nothing has ever happened that didn’t need to happen.” ~ Byron Katie in Question Your Thinking, Change The World
thoughts of comparison? even from the past? be conscious….question your thoughts
I hadn’t really heard the term, but a dear inquirer used it about his experience of stress when it came to his partner.
This can expand beyond jealousy about someone you love being with someone else.
You can also be jealous of someone’s historical success, the experiences they’ve encountered, the achievements they’ve undergone. In the Past.
As in, it’s not even happening anymore. But you’re jealous as you hear about it.
I myself should have gotten that opportunity. I should have been the one getting that experience. I should have been the boyfriend. I should have been the girlfriend. I should have had that kind of scholarship. I should have gotten that kind of degree. I should have woken up back then.
I remember an inquirer who always felt, because her husband had a previous marriage where his wife had died of cancer, that she was always “the replacement” and she felt pain and jealousy of what her husband’s previous marriage had been.
Good fodder for inquiry.
First….consider why this is troubling for you?
What do you think it means, that the person you’re deeply interested in, this person you love, has had another life, before you came along?
It means they’re comparing ME to someone they knew previously. It means I’m not the first, I’m not the special person. It means they have numerous, general, multiple experiences in their life and I’ve missed out on all of them. It means I’m not 100% important. It means they might have great memories with other people and they’ll desire them again.
I must confess, the only place I’ve personally ever experienced this Retroactive Jealousy is around something to do with accomplishment and success with career or money.
As in….I’m jealous someone else got THOSE awesome opportunities. I didn’t.
Bummer for me. Good for them.
How do I react when I think I didn’t get that experience, in the past, that someone else got?
It can feel devastating. Sick. Soooo uncomfortable.
I leave the person who has sparked this comparison-mode. I want to get away from them. I retreat. I feel very disconnected and separate.
So who would you be without the belief that you should have been there, you should have had that experience….in the past?
Who would you be without the belief that the person you love shouldn’t have been with that previous person?
Who would you BE?
“I’m a lover of what is. It’s so painful when I’m not. There’s nothing we can do about it. It is what it is. And we’re all lovers of reality…..We all want what is because it’s the way of it. And we all KNOW it….How does it feel to react to your own lie??! To something you don’t even believe yourself? We’re attached to this concept. And we think they’re doing it TO us. But it’s nothing more than our fairy tale is being burst.” ~ Byron Katie
Who would you be without the thought that this other person’s story is the better way?
I’d feel quiet. I’d be laughing. I’d be thrilled with my relationship with myself, my own life.
I’d be overjoyed in hearing about other peoples’ life paths, successes, achievements, experiences, mates. I’d be so curious, in a really good way.
Turning the thought around….
….I shouldn’t have been there, I shouldn’t have had that experience I’m hearing about, there’s nothing out of place, nothing is wrong, nothing is missing, all that happened before to this person is perfect and important.
I should have been in my own life, with my own experiences, in this body here.
How could this be just as true, or truer?
Find genuine examples. Notice them.
“It’s living with no net. You do it and you die and your knees wobble and you’re weak like a baby and you’re so vulnerable. It’s so exciting. Much more exciting than your story. It’s love affair, and it goes as deep as it can. The love of self.” ~ Byron Katie
“You are whole and complete within yourself. You do not need anything. You do not need anybody….No clinging, no holding on. If you need it a certain way, you are dependent, and it gets ugly.” ~ Michael Singer
I love the comments and questions I’m receiving about Peace Talk podcast. Hit reply and let me know what else you’d like to hear or learn about. Interviews with some cool people coming up soon.
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Yesterday, I spent 3 hours futzin’ with technology.
Updating my website (check it out right here–would love your comments actually….as in….can you find stuff better?)
But back to the inquiry process here.
The futzin I was doing. It took soooooooooo long!!!
ARRRRGGGGHHH!!!
The video clip I was making suddenly timed out because “start up disk has no more space”.
Start over.
A loud plane flew overhead.
Start over.
I fumbled all over my words (even though I have a policy of ‘good enough’ and ‘not perfect!’).
Start over.
My whole mid-day time for meditation, bike ride, meal and some writing….bashed to pieces because of the COMPUTER.
Heh heh.
Who actually bashed her time to pieces and made the technology more important than the rest of it?
OK, OK.
But let’s do The Work.
It can be really insightful to simply watch that mind come up with all its anger and frustration about stuff breaking, stuff not going the way it should.
Yeah, now that I think about it….
….the washing machine needs to be cleaned or something (it smells funny), there’s a broken part on the dishwasher, the knobs in the bathroom are falling off the fixture bolts, the back door keeps wiggling out of its latch it gets stuck closed, there’s a drywall repair needed near the light switch in the kitchen where water leaked from the roof last winter, and the carpet is totally stained and needs to be replaced.
And I only just got started!!
I’m gonna tear my hair out just thinking about it!!
Someone should fix it. (How about my husband, by the way).
The thoughts will come out swinging like a batter on speed.
So who would I be without the belief that there’s all this broken stuff and it really does need to be repaired?
Without the belief this is aggravating? Or a pain in the ass?
What if I wasn’t against the list of tasks?
My 17 year old daughter comes in, I tell her “the internet hasn’t been working all day and it’s so annoying!”
She gives me a hug and says “I’m sorry it’s not working” and I’m thinking “hugs will not help.”
Ha ha, who is 17?
Then my daughter says “maybe you weren’t supposed to get that video up today, or the website stuff you were doing.”
Oh.
Right.
How is it a good thing it didn’t happen?
Well. For one thing, I realized the do-over video clip I created (for Eating Peace weekly videos) was crap. The original first-take was much better, even though it got cut off at the end.
So I decided to send the cut-off better version and to be SUPER imperfect, and see if it still helps people out who want to watch how to change your thoughts that your body is ugly.
I then had a cancellation of a client so I got to take my bike ride after all.
And I got to see what a wise daughter I have.
Now that’s worth three hours of futzing around thinking you’re “wasting time” with technology. Don’t you agree?
“The more closely I look at something, the more I begin to notice that I really don’t know what it is. A name arises, and with it the silent ‘is it true?’, surrounded by and emanating the laughter that comes from not knowing.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy #48
This coming weekend Sunday afternoon: Meetup 2-4 pm Goldilocks Cottage. The Work of Byron Katie North Seattle. Join me!
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Moving, inspiration film is one of my favorite ways of experiencing the beauty of story.
Your own story….blown at just the right moment
If you keep looking, you will see the whole story, at just the right time
You get a full blown tale, start to finish. Something is usually resolved (in a good story), people become clear, the hero achieves the goal, the heroine arrives or learns what was necessary.
They find love, acceptance, or peace….they meet death.
I can cry at a great and touching movie.
And the whole time, I know its a story. Heck, I can tear up at a commercial on TV.
(Yes, I’m one of those people, we’ll do The Work on that later).
But I always know its a story.
It’s almost funny how this one part of my psyche will join in the game, as if eager to jump into the drama, “OK….let’s see what THIS story feels like!”
I know darn well the whole time that if I stepped around to the side or back of the screen as the movie played, I would only see a thick piece of reflective material (whatever screens are made out of).
If I turned off the sound while hanging out behind the screen, the story would basically be over.
Not long ago, I was watching one of my favorite movies, Whale Rider.
Even though I’ve seen it several times before….here comes the welling up of tears, the inspiration that happens when the truth is finally realized by one of the main characters, Grandfather.
The veil is lifted….after he stubbornly could not see and could not see and could not see.
This time, as I watched, I thought about me.
Because I was turning this all around knowing in the end, this was about me and my humanity, which is why I was so moved.
I was realizing my own beliefs about being in the dark, in the dark, in the dark….
…..not seeing what was right in front of me.
It’s so inspiring to have the veil lifted, to see the “real” truth, to understand, to discover reality, to get the entire story.
Dang. I didn’t see this. It was there the whole time.
This is what I love the most about The Work and questioning what you really, really, really think is the truth.
You look, and look again, and the evidence parades before you (like the Grandfather in Whale Rider).
You have expectations about what love, truth, enlightenment, awareness is supposed to look like.
But if you feel stress and anxiety about what reality looks like, you can question what you think.
This is NOT it.
Is that true?
WOW! Maybe not!
How do you react when you think you know what’s true, and this is not it?
Who would you be without the belief that this isn’t it?
Ha ha. Crying tears of relief, joy and inspiration. Crying from the sheer astonishment, from the beauty that we all get there in the end.
Even old set-in-their-ways grandfathers.
(Even old set-in-their-ways minds).
“You are not the thinking mind; you are aware of the thinking mind. You are the consciousness that is behind the mind and is aware of the thoughts. The minute you stop putting your whole heart and soul into the mind as if it were your savior and protector, you will find yourself behind the mind watching it. That’s how you know about your thoughts: you are in there watching them.” ~ Michael Singer in The Untethered Soul
Just like a movie, you watch your thoughts.
You might get all absorbed and tear up, but it doesn’t mean you don’t wake up from the movie ever, from seeing what’s really true for you.
I’m thrilled to say Peace Talk podcast has gotten almost 10,000 downloads. Three episodes per week, only 5-7 minutes, of how to return to peace if you wing yourself out of it through stressful thinking.
Peace Talk: peace right here and now
Enjoy last week’s shows on death, or the one that came out today on being nervous about honest conversations with people, right here:
I would love you to review and a comment!! It would mean so much!!
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From time to time, I share that I have thoughts about quittin’ it all and going to live in a monastery.
Yeah, that’s right.
Head to Nova Scotia to live in the place Pema Chodron sometimes resides. Or figure out how to stay at Cheri Huber’s monastery.
Or what about the Abbey of Gethsemani in Kentucky where Thomas Merton lived.
It sounds sweet. Gentle. Relaxing.
But I couldn’t do THAT. Noooo way!!! I am needed where I am, I have things to accomplish, I can’t stop now!
Right?
But do I really have to make a lot of money, finish that book, exercise, mow the lawn, do laundry, pick up the kids, pay that bill, become enlightened, etc?
Can’t I just stop?
As in, entirely.
And Do Nothing?
It’s interesting to take a look, using self-inquiry.
Pick anything at all that you believe you HAVE to do, or else. You HAVE to do in order to survive, or to have a successful life.
And you feel grabby about it. You don’t believe you have it yet, or you feel trapped and stuck. It’s eluding you.
You have to do it, or have it…..
…..is this true?
YES! It will be sooooo disappointing if I stop going to work, or give up the pursuit of success in business.
It will be a shame if I stop striving for self-realization.
If I don’t find that perfect true love, I’ll be a failure. If I don’t get published or invent the creation I’ve dreamed of, it will be terrible.
If I never have a kid, if I don’t get the perfect career, if I stop going for it….just terrible.
Are you sure?
No.
How do you react when you believe you really need to accomplish something, that you’re in hot pursuit, and that if you stop or change your intensity and give up, you’ll be a failure?
I doubt myself and my ideas.
I get all kinds of pictures of disaster, or unhappiness. Like I’ll feel regret later, in the future, if I quit “x” now. I renew efforts to get what I want. I don’t entertain the idea of stopping. I keep the fire going of “I must” and “I have to”.
And I feel tired.
I flip flop around in dreams of changing everything, and dreams of succeeding in what I’m doing now.
But who would you be without these kinds of thoughts? Without the beliefs that you must, you have to, you can’t stop, you needa push, you shouldn’t quit?
This can take a moment to imagine.
Wow, though.
Without the belief I need to get over there, instead of simply being here where I am?
I neither think of escaping in monasteries nor sticking the current thing out with no deviation.
I’m back to the present, right here.
I let go.
It’s like a surrender of everything.
There’s no control of the future, no tightness about which direction to take, no agonizing about where this life moves.
Turning the thoughts around: What is present, here and now, is what I want. Nothing more, nothing different, is required for peace.
There’s no reason to either escape or commit…unless this becomes clear as the next step of love and integrity.
“In most societies you are well rewarded for how good you are at clinging and building. If you get that model down absolutely right and behave consistently every time, you have actually ‘created’ someone. And if the someone you create is what others want and need, you can be very popular and successful….But if you’re willing to let go, you’ll fall back and it will open into an ocean of energy. You will become filled with a light that has no darkness, with a peace that passeth all understanding. You will then walk through every moment of your daily life with the flow of this inner force sustaining you, feeding you, and guiding you from deep within.” ~ Michael Singer in The Untethered Soul
All I know is, dreaming of somewhere else, something different, whether giving up or pushing on….
….both feel stressful in different ways. Both have focus in the future, not here.
Coming back to here, now, I notice I have no idea where life is going.
The Work: your own walk through reality, your answers
On Saturday a lovely group gathered for the 4 hour mini retreat to closely investigate one personal stressful relationship or situation.
One participant asked a question I’ve heard before.
A very powerful question.
“If I do The Work on difficult situations, won’t I just walk around letting everything happen, allowing everything to be as it is, never making a single change, never asserting myself, allowing myself to get hurt?”
This question comes forth in different ways.
Sometimes it dawns on people when they really enter this deep investigation about what stresses them in reality….
Now wait a minute…..
….if I love what is, and I don’t hate what is, what’s the point then of me living?
I’ll have no personal voice, I won’t stand up for myself. If I was in an abusive relationship I’d stay and get beaten verbally or physically over and over again. Not minding what is.
Or….
….I’ll sit around on my couch and never get the job I want. I’ll never move out of my parent’s house. I’ll never “try” to achieve anything.
Or….
….if I love what is I won’t protest and fight for improvement. I won’t be an activist for women’s rights, or reduced global warning, or farming organically!
No! I have to be annoyed with what is! I have to fight what is!
So….is doing The Work a way of becoming passive?
Well.
My short answer is No. Not at all.
As a generally shy and exceptionally introverted person in my childhood personality….I have become more and more open, fearless, courageous and alive with an inexplicable energy with every day that passes.
Yeah, really.
And it’s accelerated through doing The Work. Exponentially.
But in my first two full years of doing The Work, I have a confession to make.
I WAS a bit more passive while doing The Work!!!!
Vedy vedy intah-resting (you say it with a German accent like a genius mad scientist).
There was a core part of me that really hated conflict.
Please, just let’s never, ever, ever have any conflict. I don’t want to bring up frightening things with other people, I don’t want to say no, I don’t want to disagree, I don’t want to be rejected, I don’t want to be angry or hate anyone.
OK?
I just HAVE to maintain inner peace.
Big feelings are too scary.
The world is crazy and traumatic.
People are unpredictable, disappointing and terrifying.
I encountered The Work and instead of ditching people ASAP the minute they scared me, or retreating from ever speaking up as I had in the past…..
…..I wrote worksheets on everyone, on life, on money, on jobs.
I saw the rage I had within and the frustration and despair.
And I did The Work with a vengeance so I would NOT feel rage, frustration and despair.
I’m going to love those mean, nasty people if it kills me!
I had such a big motive. So big, I didn’t even realize I had it. I wanted to be a good, stable, calm person….
….I did not want to accept the feelings inside of ME.
I was at the New Year’s Cleanse, an annual event with Byron Katie where people gather in a huge hotel conference center and people one by one get up on stage and do The Work with Katie facilitating.
There’s lots of time for audience feedback, comments, questions and reflection.
A woman did The Work on her son’s addiction. All the years of pain and agony as he went in and out of treatment centers and lived on the streets and nearly died.
After hearing her incredible and courageous work on her own inner thinking about this human she loved so much (her son) and discovering she could dissolve her thoughts about his life, and return to focusing on her own life….
….I raised my hand.
I shared with Katie that I was doing The Work over and over again on this one person who drove me crazy (a man I was dating who also had an addiction problem). I wondered why The Work wasn’t working?
After some discussion, Katie said to me….
….”How do you know you’re supposed to be angry? YOU ARE!!!”
Oh.
Oh my.
Oh. My. God. LIGHTBULB!
I had been doing The Work trying to get to a certain outcome…. called I-am-no-longer-angry.
I had insane expectations of my own inner life.
That if I was really an amazing and realized person, I would be calm, regulated, mature, no-intense-feelings, never angry, and maybe even glow a little. I’d be happy all the time. Addicts might even choose my company over their addiction (yes, it was that arrogant).
I saw in that moment.
It was not The Work that “made” me passively stay in a relationship that was very troubling, trying to be nice and to help and rescue the person all the time.
It was my own mental construct about what I thought I needed to do with my thinking. Make it different. So the person I wanted to love me could actually do it the way I wanted.
Ha ha.
What is funny is, I couldn’t have stopped my personal investigation of reality if I wanted to at that point. I kept questioning. I kept doing The Work. But it truly became my own work, not Katie’s work or anyone else’s work.
I wanted to know the truth.
It was OK if other people didn’t do what I wanted them to do.
I finally realized it was up to me to love myself, up to me to end my own addiction to expecting other people to love me instead of me to love me.
I was the biggest blessing in the world that I encountered that human being who brought out such anger within me….
….because the passion, the intensity, the lazer-sharp clarity was revealed without trying to destroy it.
It had a message.
End The War.
I “broke up” with that person (so grateful to him) and got down to the real relationship I truly wanted all along.
The one with me. Me and all of the wild spectacular mysterious universe.
The thing about this inquiry, doing The Work, is that it will break apart anything you’re afraid of as you continue.
Even if you do “use” it to become passive or a doormat or to not speak up, that won’t last for long. Because it won’t be the real truth for you.
If you’re really answering the questions and staying present, watching what is true for you in the mind, imagining who you are without your beliefs….
….every untrue, unworkable, painful thought will be revealed in the perfect time, in the perfect way, for your undoing.
And if you think “if I do The Work I will become a passive ineffective lover of everything” you can question THAT thought and see what’s true.
For me, it’s been the opposite.
“Not knowing is true knowledge. Presuming to know is a disease. First realize that you are sick; then you can move toward health. The Master is her own physician. She has healed herself of all knowing. Thus she is truly whole.” ~ Tao Te Ching #71
Being your regular ol’ self…you shine, shine your light
One of my favorite comments during the 3-day Year of Inquiry retreat last weekend was when a participant said, about me….
….”the thing I love about Grace is, well, unlike other teachers, I just can’t put her on a pedestal.“
On the inside, I had a big wide smiling feeling.
Because, strangely, this is what I always wanted from leaders, facilitators, teachers, guides and mentors. I wanted to know they were regular people, like me, and that I fit in with them.
That the gap wasn’t so far-reaching and impossible. That we’re all in this together, connected, sharing.
I wanted them to be approachable, open and real. I wanted me to b this, too.
And I wanted to know that Reality….
….a word for the force far bigger than all of us (you might like to use different words like God, Source, Mystery, Universe)….
….is who we all are.
Don’t get me wrong.
Throughout life, I have loved hearing truly amazing stories of change and healing, and miraculous occurrences in human lives, shifts of consciousness, the brilliance of what is possible….
….but something deep inside told me that I wasn’t going to be one of those outliers.
Even though I had extreme experiences, and hurt myself and others, and was very confused, and felt very broken and crazy sometimes….
….I knew I wasn’t ever going to be on the front page of the New York Times or go completely crazy or have a massive influence like Jesus Christ.
Well, never say never, right? (Because it’s not really up to me, turns out).
But somewhere along the way, I realized, if I keep trying to be like other incredible humans who have walked the earth before me, I won’t be this one, here.
The one who is apparently me.
All This….is for everyone.
Freedom is for anyone. Love and Joy is for anyone.
And I mean anyone.
The thing is, I really wanted to wake up and understand this mind, discover freedom, contribute to the world, and look around with an inherent joy and gratitude for being here….
….even though I was a mediocre, regular, normal sort of human being, who was only here for a short time in the big scheme of things.
Like most of the people in the bell curve.
Nothing special.
Who would you be without the belief you need to be bigger, better, more special, more unique? Who would you be without the thought that who you are is not enough, or too boring or mediocre, or too much like everyone else?
Who would you be without the thought that you need to raise a raucous and stand out and be noticed in a big way, or hide your flaws or do it right or become enlightened like Byron Katie or Adyashanti?
(And I love those guys, sooooo much).
I began to notice who I would be, without images of needing to change or improve or hide.
Very strange.
But without the thought of being anything different, or more, than being this human, I’d be feeling a life force, heart beating, lungs breathing, alive in something called a body, fast mind on task trying to figure everything out, images, imagination, encounters all happening simultaneously….
….stunned at what’s actually going on around here.
Awed at the movement, activity, aliveness.
No idea what’s happening. Part of the Great Hum.
Laughing.
“If you knew how important you are–and without the story you come to know it–you would fragment into a billion pieces and just be light. That’s what these misunderstood concepts are for: to keep you from the awareness of that. You’d have to be the embodiment if you knew it—just a fool, blind with love.” ~ Byron Katie in Question Your Thinking, Change The World
We are all the same underneath, even if we’re all different.
Recently I was reading about ending depression through using mindfulness and awareness.
“Mindfulness” is a word that’s becoming quite popular and well-known. People are using mindfulness to not only end depression, but to heal addiction (like overeating, one of my favorite topics of healing) or work with anger, or heal anxiety.
When I first heard the word “mindfulness” I had images of a slow, thoughtful way of behaving or thinking….but I wasn’t really sure what else.
I thought a person being mindful was a person who was probably meditating with their eyes closed. Or someone moving very, very sloooooowly.
A “mindful” person would be someone considerate, not boisterous or loud, not surprising or sudden. And perhaps careful, serious, quiet.
It didn’t seem like being spontaneous, fast or funny fit into the “mindfulness” category exactly.
I almost felt like I was too much in my mind, truth be told. I wanted feel free, unfettered and alive.
It seemed like “mindfulness” would mean a whole lot of focus on…..well…..
…..the mind.
And we’re not always sure we like focusing on that thing, right?
Because the mind can be a bit whacky. Very fast, very busy. Not making much sense.
Even insane.
However, the funny thing is that as I look back on my experience of becoming a more and more peaceful person (wow, it’s really true) I see how giving the mind full attention changed my life experience entirely.
By actually looking at the nature of stressful thoughts, watching them, asking if they were true, and noticing the accompanying feelings, I began to have LESS activity in the mind.
It was awesome.
Who knew.
In his book Uncovering Happiness, Elisha Goldstein has a list of thoughts he calls NUTS.
Negative Unconscious Thoughts.
Another spiritual teacher Miranda McPherson calls them “egos greatest hits”.
These thoughts may be deep underlying thoughts that keep on repeating themselves in your head.
And it can be profound to question them, and imagine what it would be like to NOT have one. Or two. Or all of them.
Being mindful is giving your full attention to only one at a time. Just one is all that’s required.
And then asking the great questions:
Is it true? Are you 100% sure it’s true? How do you react when you’re thinking this kind of thought? Who would you be if you couldn’t even have this thought enter your mind? What if you turned the thought around to the exact opposite instead?
Now, before you read this list of NUTs….
….remember what you’re here for.
You’re here to be mindful of these sorts of thoughts.
You’re here to get the job done of investigating the truth of these kinds of thoughts. That’s probably why you’re reading this right now.
You’re interested in peace. Not war.
So see if any of these ring true for you, even sometimes.
If your answer is “yes” consider using your imagination to see what it might be like to not have these thoughts.
If you think this isn’t going to work and it’s stupid….
….this is another thought.
This does work. It’s real. It’s not stupid.
You are far greater and more infinite and full of joy than any of this thinking stuff.
Here’s the NUTS list.
Now go forth, and question!
I feel as though I’m up against the world.
I’m no good.
Why can’t I ever succeed?
No one understands me.
I’ve let people down.
I don’t think I can go on.
I wish I were a better person.
I’m so weak.
My life’s not going the way I want it to.
I’m so disappointed in myself.
Nothing feels good.
I can’t stand this.
I can’t get started.
I wish I were somewhere else.
I’m worthless.
I made a mistake.
There is something wrong with me.
I’m a loser.
I’m a failure.
My future is bleak.
It’s just not worth it.
I can’t finish anything.
Turn the ones you think around to the opposite.
See what it feels like when you do this. See if you can find genuine examples of this new opposite thought being genuinely true.
The world is supporting me.
I’m good.
I have succeeded some places, in others failed….and it doesn’t matter (in a good way).
There is nothing as connecting, intimate and inspiring for me as going on retreat, workshop, gathering, or meeting of people with a shared intention to investigate the experience of human suffering.
That’s where I’ve been all day yesterday.
Sitting in a circle of people, every single person eager to deeply explore their stressful thinking. It was the spring Year of Inquiry retreat.
We began our first day with an exercise I have sometimes found really helpful.
You sit and write for 5 minutes everything and anything you find stressful about your life right now.
You can name people, conditions, events, situations.
No editing. Just a mind-dump of all you oppose. Everything you “hate”. The stuff you find so irritating or aggravating. The things that frighten you.
Everything you write could be called a “one-liner”.
That is, one stressful sentence, one idea, one concept you think is true, and when you think it, you suffer.
My job sucks. She shouldn’t have betrayed me. He shouldn’t have left. My body needs to regain health and have zero pain. I need more money. I hate cancer. I’m not good enough.
The mind will skip and jump all over the place. But after you stop writing, you can rate each sentence you’ve written on a scale from 1-10.
Ten is super crazy intensely stressful….one is barely a scratch, a very mild concern hardly causing any upset.
Then, you look at the concepts that earned a five or more when you rated them.
Group different topics together. You get to study what ails you, in your mind. Gather it up.
Which thoughts create the highest stress for you? Who are they most related to? Where are you arguing with what happened in the past, or what might happen in the future?
And then pick. Just one concept.
Find a situation where this one difficult concept appeared to be true. Then write a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on that situation, with that person, or your body, or money, or your job.
It’s wonderful to go slowly and stick with that one situation, just the one you’re exploring.
Even if your mind is shrieking to look at other events or incidents, or other people you dislike. Stick with this situation, filling out an entire worksheet.
Everyone got to do this yesterday.
And then we began.
Finding out if the way we were perceiving our stressful situations was the whole picture. Were we missing something? Could we see it another way instead? Was it possible we were mistaken?
Is this thought actually true? Absolutely?
How do we react when we’re thinking this thought? Could we imagine another perspective? Who would we be without it, if we couldn’t even think it?
What would it be like to turn our view around, and be curious about another alternative?
It takes a willingness to be wrong to do this.
It takes an open mind. It takes going slow, listening, and checking to see if you are something greater than your own thoughts.
Who would you really be without your mind being full of stressful thoughts? WHAT would you be without your mind being full of stressful thoughts?
It doesn’t mean all the stressful thoughts suddenly disappear and you’re now completely happy.
But I find, over and over again, a most precious, gentle yet powerful awareness that a life force, love, beauty, mystery and brilliance weave throughout everything….
….even those difficult and terrible events.
If you don’t like using those kinds of words and they sound too hopeful or good or light (if reality, in that troubling situation is not exactly easy) then notice if there was anything present besides the terrible atrocities, the violence, the angst or anxiety, the worry?
I see, a silent force is here, and was there.
You’re here now, reading, and wondering about the pain or your suffering perhaps. There’s something present that can wonder, without having answers.
You have been carried forward by something, whatever it is, despite your stressful thinking.
See?
“It’s only our story that keeps us from knowing that we always have everything we need…..Reality rules, whether we’re aware of it or not. The story is how you keep yourself from experiencing peace right now.” ~ Byron Katie
I look around the room of inquirers, such loving, whole and shining people, each and every one, with their unique genius. I am in awe of every one of them, so much beauty, it’s unutterable.
I am filled with such delight at how amazing we all are.
In the morning, I’m doing 50 minutes on my book, creating a new Eating Peace video in my kitchen, answering many emails, getting my kid signed up for her summer SAT class, putting together notebook materials for the people coming on retreat this weekend, finishing an article.
No individual clients intentionally.
At noon the cleaner is coming to deep clean the cottage, I need to give her instructions then get up to the coffee shop with my laptop to write tomorrow’s Grace Note (which are these words).
At 1:45 I’m due at the gym for a workout, followed by grocery store, then back home to pay the cleaner, shower, and teach starting at 5:15 for the last 90 minute Eating Peace group of the most recent 3 month EP program.
Sitting down in the squishy chair at the coffee house next to my gym, I realize this laptop has 10% battery power left. And I have no charger with me.
Which means.
I am NOT going to finish whatever writing I had planned for this segment of the day.
Nope.
Inside, I notice a slight flare of “dang-it” and the mind zips fast to whether it’s possible to resolve this easily. Can I go home and interrupt the cleaning going on there, just for the charger? Is it worth it? Is there a charger anywhere else? If I start asking people could I drum up a charger or would that waste time?
Not.
So now it’s on 9% and I’m still writing.
I notice….the mind has already decided things are not going the way I planned, or wanted, and that I need to alter my thoughts and expectations about the afternoon ahead.
Fortunately, I am madly in love with surrendering to reality and noticing what it wants, rather than what I want.
Plus, this isn’t exactly a life or death situation.
But have you ever been with someone who screams in rage at heavy traffic, or cusses because they forgot their charger and the battery is running out?
Not exactly life or death….
….but without the relaxation of inquiry, you can have a tantrum aboutanything.
I hear the voice that wants to tantrum.
And I’m so, so glad I also hear the question arise “is it true?”
There’s a fun, open interest in being willing to surrender to what’s actually going on, rather my version of what should happen.
Who would you be without the belief that you should have remembered the charger?
Who would you be without the belief that you should have remembered ANYTHING?
Without the thought that it should be going some other alternative way, and that the way it’s gone, or going, is BAD?
I’d be back in this moment, noticing the words flow out, hearing the beautiful sweet music playing and the lovely conversations buzzing around me. I’d feel the smooth flat keys against my fingertips. I’d feel my feet resting gently on the floor, and my mind alert and aware of so much in this precious moment, here now.
I’d feel the flow of words and communication coming through me like water, sharing. With a deep silence underneath it all, and no concern about “time” and when things need to happen, or what’s in store for me.
“I’ve got a big surprise for you, lots of good news! You don’t have to do anything. The more you do, the worse it gets. All you have to do is understand…..Stop being a dictator. Stop trying to push yourself somewhere.” ~ Anthony DeMello
Feel what it’s like to be in this day, with stuff undone on the mental list of what should be happening.
Who would you really be without the belief it has to go the way you think is ideal, in order to be happy?
Very peaceful, curious, gentle in this moment.
Relaxing, even as I get up to to the next thing on the list instead.
Noticing the computer now says 4% and….I may have actually finished.
Summer Camp For The Mind is coming next month!! I am sooooo excited!!
