Don’t they have rather a lot of influence on our lives?
(Ahem).
When it comes to eating, food, and body image, mother soften have passed along a story that’s quite intense about food, cooking, serving others food, eating, body shapes and what they should be.
They learned, just like we did, what was acceptable, good, perfect, or successful.
And they showed us.
Sometimes, they showed us very well indeed.
It’s quite profound, however, to be the one who questions any painful story you’ve heard, or learned, or thought….when it comes to mother.
Here’s a story that may surprise you about my mother, and what I felt when she said “I’m so proud of you”.
I wasn’t happy.
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If you’ve had eating troubles of any kind, then your mind has likely said loudly to yourself:
“Really? You did this again? What’s WRONG with you? You should be OVER this by now!”
Let’s inquire into this thought today, with The Work of Byron Katie.
Is it true you should be over this “problem” by now?
Are you absolutely sure?
What I noticed over the many years I struggled with eating, food, weight….is that I wasn’t over it.
And to this day, there remain concepts to look at that have to do with food, eating, moving. I may not be binge-eating or purging or so extreme with food anymore, but there’s still noticing and awareness and change and interest in peace in every situation.
How do you react when you believe you should be over it, when you aren’t?
Very harsh. I become a Dictator about myself. Or I curl into a ball of sadness and despair.
Desperate, hopeless, angry.
So who would you be without the thought you should be over something that you aren’t over?
And we’re talking about food and eating and weight management and all of that here (although there are many other things people think they should be “over” that they are not actually over).
Without the belief I should be over something I’m not, I feel very curious about the behavior. I have questions. I feel a greater awareness, a willingness to support this person I apparently am.
I inquire. I want to look. I might even ask for help, join with others, find greater support.
I’d look and see what the eating was expressing. What was I afraid of? Worried about? What’s my relationship with reality in the minutes surrounding this eating behavior? What have I not looked at, or what am I missing here that I’ve been afraid to see, or concerned about?
What would make me think overeating, or starving, is the only solution or way to solve my discomfort in this moment?
Who would I be without this story?
Turning my thoughts around: I should NOT be over it, I should be over my thinking.
What’s the message? “This” energy can’t stop until I face it, look at it, respond to it.
I might even notice that I can say “no” to eating, even if my mind offers this as an option, and cravings have begun. I can be over my “thoughts” in this situation. I don’t have to take action on everything my thoughts tell me.
Including eat.
Could the eating I’m doing and my relationship with food have something to do with my worries about life? They sure did for me. The eating helped me to identify what it was I was thinking and believing about people, what people thought of me, my condition, being small, the dangers of life, the unfairness, anything I might worry about.
I can look at what’s going on in any troubling situation, and inquire.
Thank you, disordered eating, for showing me where my perceptions have not been peaceful about reality.
I’ve been off traveling again, but while away I received lots of emails–a surprising number–about where to begin when it comes to ending this whole crazy eating-weight-food-craving concern?
Today, I’m sharing three things that you can do to start your journey to end this weird eating thing that I know is very frustrating and agonizing:
1) Questioning your thoughts is a relief, and can change your behaviors with food, entirely. If you want the simple, lazer-sharp, quickest version of self-inquiry I’ve ever encountered (and I’ve seen a lot of ways to inquire and dissolve your thoughts) then I highly, deeply, sincerely recommend The Work of Byron Katie. Read “Loving What Is” to understand this method and get the full and complete instructions on how to do The Work.
2) Question these two thoughts:
a) I MUST stop this eating thing, I MUST lose weight, I MUST change NOW!! Immediately! This is WRONG! I must control myself! I must WIN this BATTLE!! (notice there are lots of exclamation points with this energy, and these thoughts).
Why should you question this thought?
Because when you do, you have the opportunity to open up to understanding what’s going on in the first place. You can quit pushing, or controlling this situation with such vengeance. Diets are not necessary any longer.
b) I must suffer in order to end this problem. I must not EVER accept myself and relax with what is or I will remain fat or addicted, and never change.
Why should you question this thought?
Because when you do, you get to feel supported by the world, by life, by food, by eating….even when you are not perfectly “thin”. You have a body, but you are NOT your body. You don’t need to get somewhere else that is not here. What a relief. This never means you won’t lose weight, because as you shift your thoughts, you likely will (if you find you’re overweight). Many people balance to their natural normal weight.
How do you question your thinking?
As I mentioned…use the four questions and turnarounds and question just one thought at a time. The Work is the best and most simple way I’ve ever found to follow this process.
FINALLY, do this third exercise:
It will seem too easy, but you might be surprised: practice the 60 second wait-period. This means, instead of starting to eat when you want to eat, wait 60 seconds and take three very deep breaths, slowly.
As you wait sixty seconds, ask yourself “Do I really need food right now?” If you’re hungry, then be kind and give yourself some food.
If you notice you aren’t hungry, literally see if you can imagine eating peace instead of food. Like a pale pinkish purple cloud of lightly glowing peace that you fill up your body with through your mouth.
Let it go into your stomach, then spread it through your legs to your feet and all the way up your body, filling your arms, torso, neck, head. Relax your skin and let peace sink in–see what colors it changes to and see the peace filling your entire being.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. I’m creating an Eating Peace Experience 101 Introductory class. It begins July 26 and runs for 2 months, with 6 class sessions on Thursdays at 8 am pacific time. Stay tuned for more coming soon.
P.S. If you’d like to join Summer Camp for The Mind, a 7 week program of practicing The Work for anyone and everyone (not specifically for eating issues–although they can be brought to these sessions)– read more about it HERE.
