Category: The Work of Byron Katie

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Orchestrate your happiness. It’s not what you think.

Do you ever want the future to go a certain way?

LOL.

It’s almost considered odd NOT to think the future should go a certain way.

We so think we KNOW what would work best, what success looks like, or surviving well. I might lose what I have, or I might not get something I want.

The other day, my mind had the belief when I woke up in the morning: It would be bad if no one came to my retreats this spring. I need to make announcements about them. I wish there was only one, not two (because there are too many seats to fill). They’re too close together.  

I started dreaming of the work I’d do that day before I was even out of bed; posting the events to the free city events page for the general public, submitting to local publications, contacting the workshop postings for mental health practitioners.

And then, I chuckled.

The brilliant question hung in the air like a sweet melody, before I even started in on the tasks I had in mind:

Can I know it’s true not enough people will come to retreat if there are two right in a row? Can I really know it’s better if they’re “full”?

Is this really a scary scenario for me, this picture of “not enough”? Really?

This thought could be a story I’ve told a zillion times in my mind.

Later, soon, in the future….there won’t be enough support, there won’t be enough company, there won’t be enough money, there won’t be enough excitement, there won’t be enough time, there won’t be enough love, there won’t be enough health, there won’t be enough life.

What a nervous wreck to think these thoughts so regularly. The potential for things to go “wrong” always parading around. The desire for things to go “right” (and I know what it looks like) always hanging in the air.

What do you envision as successful in your future? What do you want to make sure NEVER happens?

How do you react when you think there’s a possibility for success or failure, and you want it to go the way you prefer?

I get all narrow-minded on the success track. I believe I ‘have to’ do certain things to make it go in that direction. I believe I’m the one running the show here. I work with urgency, or with a push. I don’t have fun. I’m determined in an intense way. I’m nervous about it going the “bad” way.

Everything becomes Not Fun.

Sometimes, I procrastinate. I think about doing something and say I should be doing it, but it feels so pressured I also rebel against it all, and go to yoga. I listen to youtubes. I watch The Crown on Netflix.

I get pictures in my head of other people thinking I’m a dork when it comes to marketing anything. Inefficient. Lousy at it. The people expecting incoming calls at Breitenbush to be disappointed, because…..crickets.

Who would I be without this stressful story that it would be bad if the two retreats coming up weren’t full?

A weight lifted.

I’d be happy. Today.

I’d notice the calendar has something on it in mid-May, and again in mid-June. I wouldn’t feel resistant to it, or concerned. It would be what it is.

I’d stop acting like I’m God the Dictator and I Know Everything. I’d let out a sigh (and a chuckle) of joy at how sure a thought flames up in a second about what needs to be avoided….but how I’ve also got the amazing and beautiful question “is it true?” (And it’s not even “mine”).

I’d feel the energy running through this very moment of aliveness. Hearing the dryer turn the clothes. See red sleeves near laptop keys. Gazing at wooden bowl next to a box of tissues. Hearing husband’s feet tap tap walking and opening a drawer.

This moment a poetry.

Every possible way the future goes….perfect.

Trusting what is. Letting life do it. Letting God do it (it is already). Noticing all the people already on the list for May. Feeling the happiness and peace whether events are full, or not full, or the worst turnout ever, or the best.

Noticing what is done today and very much enjoying the ride. I could die tomorrow, and what I did today to post information about these retreats would have still been interesting, even fun. Not annoying tasks.

Turning the thought around: It would be fantastic if no one came to my retreats this spring. I do not need to make announcements about them. I wish there was just the number there are (none in this moment as I am alone on my couch). There are not too many seats to fill. These retreats are perfectly spaced.

Turning the thoughts around again: It would be bad if I didn’t come to my own retreats this spring. If I didn’t approach my thinking with The Work. I need to announce my thinking, to expose it and share it with myself. There’s too much thinking to fill (yes, in my head). My thoughts are too close together. 

Good heavens. Is it my thinking that’s scary or the actual outcome I’m sure would be a disaster?

Only my thinking.

Can you find good reasons, interesting or helpful or advantageous reasons for it going the “wrong” way in the future, whatever it is you’re worried about?

Hmmm. If I have small retreat sizes, I can eliminate one next year. I can give lovely close attention and more time to each person who attends. I’ll have fewer supplies to put together. I’ll get to experience the joy that’s possible even if only ONE person is joining me in inquiry. If no one came at all, I’d get four days in silent inquiry with myself. I could further develop the curriculum. I’d relax knowing we have plenty of time for each exercise. I’d get to meditate.

“I invite you to look forward to an uncomfortable feeling, find clarity through investigation, and meet your own discomfort with understanding. Orchestrate your own happiness. Why wait for anything or anyone outside you to bring contentment and harmony?” ~ Byron Katie

What a beautiful retreat has arrived, after answering four questions. Like, right now.

Oh. Haha.

Who are you without the belief that something might not go right in the future?

Not believing your thoughts. Orchestrating your own happiness.

Feeling the harmony of what is.

In pursuit of knowledge,
every day something is added.
In the practice of the Tao,
every day something is dropped.
Less and less do you need to force things,
until finally you arrive at non-action.
When nothing is done,

nothing is left undone.

True mastery can be gained
by letting things go their own way.
It can’t be gained by interfering.
~ Tao Te Ching #48 (translated by Stephen Mitchell)

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Spring Retreat

P.P.S. Breitenbush Retreat

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Do I really want it? Or does something bigger than “it” want me?

Right now, I find thoughts are ticker-taping through my life on money and eating, mostly because the money and eating courses are well underway.

I find it fascinating how these two forms of energy (money and food) have to do with consuming and taking in, but also letting go and releasing.

If money and our favorite food were lying on a table in front of us, we might see our hand reach out to take it.

I see it. I want it. I could take it. I’ll take it. I have it. It’s mine!

Did it provide what I was looking for? Did it give me what I really wanted?

Sometimes, this very pattern is extremely unsatisfying, but compelling: Working very hard and long hours for money. Eating way too much.

To explore this cycle, what if we went back to the seeing it, before we grabbed it or consumed it or used it, and paused right there?

Sometimes, the first time we “see” something we want is in our minds. The food or money isn’t around, but we picture it vividly. The color, the feel, the bank account statement, the spending, the texture, the possibilities, the excitement, the security or the focus on this pleasurable thing.

This thing called food. This thing called money.

People will say in the classes as we’re looking at our beliefs these common and stressful thoughts: “I can’t stop eating” or “I can’t relax around money”.

So what if we looked today at this “wanting” experience that happens when an image comes to mind of food, or riches? This is before we get it, but we’re dang sure we want it. See how good it looks?

I want, want, want it. 

Is it true?

Huh? I mean….of course that’s true! What an odd question! I have tons of evidence of this being true. I’ve grabbed it a thousand billion times. I’ve consumed and spent it. I’ve used it. I’ve eaten it.

I am the one who wants that thing. It’s been true for so long.

Are you sure?

Can you absolutely know it’s true you want that pile of money or that bowl of sugar? Is there no room for any doubt at all? Are you positive…forever and ever?

Boinnnnggggg! (That’s like a cartoon frying pan hitting me on the cartoon head)!

I can’t know it’s true I want it! If I pause a moment, it seems like I don’t. I have no idea. Weird.  I thought I was in a frenzy every time, but now I’m not so sure. Woah.

Interesting.

How do you react when you think you waaaannnnntttt it?

That’s easy. I grab like a Tasmanian Devil. I feel very unsatisfied.

So who would you be without this stressful thought that you For Sure want what you’re looking at? (Oh that cash, on that ice cream, oh that love, oh that attention, oh that success….)

Oh my. I’d start laughing.

Without the belief I want it?

Haha!

And something opens up, because maybe I really wanted something else all along. Maybe I want safety, security, love, soothing from serious trauma in the past, connection, intimacy.

So often, I wanted intimacy–to really join closely with someone. Food was next best thing. Money was for those other people who deserved it.

Turning the thought around: I don’t want it. My thinking wants it. Not “I” or me.  

How could this be just as true, or truer?

It didn’t really fulfill me. It didn’t eliminate the pain. I didn’t feel comfortable even after I had it. Spending or eating or hoarding or starving all happened, and still something feels empty or too full.

I’ve also worked with so many people with tons of money who aren’t perfectly content. Or who are eating the perfect diet, and they aren’t satisfied.

Turning the thought around again: It wants me.

How could this be true?

I know this sounds cosmic. Like, what is “it”? Seriously? Are we talking the food wants me, or the money? That doesn’t even make sense.

But I like this turnaround anyway. Life wants me. Love wants me. The present moment wants me, fully here, not half here, not wanting-ly here full of my complaints about what is.

God, Allah, The Friend, Presence, Surrender, Rest, Being wants me, the real true me that is not alone and not abandoned and not freaking out and too scared to inquire.

I Am and I Am Not
I’m drenched
in the flood 
which has yet to come 
I’m tied up 
in the prison
which has yet to exist
Not having played
the game of chess
I’m already the checkmate
Not having tasted
a single cup of your wine
I’m already drunk
Not having entered
the battlefield
I’m already wounded and slain
I no longer
know the difference
between image and reality
Like the shadow
I am
And
I am not
~ Jalaluddin Rumi

Much love,

Grace

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You have no need for the belief “I have to” to get something done (+ this weekend mini-retreat)!

Oh my gosh gosh, it happened. Another Peace Talk Podcast Episode 136 on the pesky and horrible thought (when you believe it) “I Have To…” Find it on itunes here.

This Sunday, February 25 in-person Living Turnarounds mini retreat! Welcome one and all. It doesn’t matter what kind of experience you have in The Work, all you need is an interest in questioning your stressful thinking.

We have a cozy cottage, comfy chairs, tea, and worksheets. We meet 2:00-6:00 pm in northeast Seattle. Please pre-register and find out more right here.

The dates for the rest of this year have been updated. Come to one, come to all, your choice. I tend to forget to announce these half day retreats until right before they happen. Ahem.

  • February 25, 2018
  • March 18, 2018
  • April 22, 2018
  • May 13, 2018
  • June 10, 2018

For me, there’s been nothing like sharing time in The Work with caring like-minded folks who also want to question their stressful beliefs together. I get so inspired.

What is it about gathering together that offers something different to our inquiry?

I’m not talking about only a half-day group like this one. But all the other pairings and support, too. Like having an ongoing facilitation buddy, attending a meet-up, going to an intro night on The Work, participating in a retreat or course, going to the 9 Day School with Byron Katie, joining the Institute for The Work.

I find, just like meditation, we ultimately do it on our own, yet if we’re together there’s a structure, a shared energy. I’ve never had the experience of silent sitting at home that I do while on meditation retreat when hours are dedicated to sitting in silence and contemplating the experience without needing to do the usual tasks involved in life.

Isn’t that strange, in a way, that it can be so different being with others do something you really do all by yourself?

Because everyone else is agreeing to do this together, I do it too. I stay. I’m in the chair. No question about getting up and leaving and doing something else to avoid what is, or argue with what is, or complain about what is. I’m staying until I’m truly open to what is.

There’s an interested paradox here, however.

The deepest and most desired transformation, it seems, is when we are on our own–no one else in sight–and we remain seated, stay present, question our thinking, discover awareness is possible without any input or outside guidance required.

Isn’t this what we all truly want? To be our own personal wise advisor? To not have to go anywhere to find peace?

To find out that the most interesting, exciting, loving, supportive, clear person I could ever be with….is me?

Then, whatever we do and wherever we are, whether in a strange unrecognizable place, or our own living room, or in a noisy crowded street, or with a group of friends….

….no matter where we are, we’re with the most beloved and beautiful friend.

One of the things I most love about The Work, is that my stressful, uncomfortable, troubling, nasty, mean, vicious or violent thoughts are the ones that help me hear my inner compassionate advisor.

They are the loud voices that lead me to the still small voice.

Who would have thought the stories and yelling and panic that caused my suffering are the ones that bring the deepest awareness and awakening?

Strange. But true.

And so much help along the way by gathering with other people (still true) and sharing this inquiry. Exploring together is such a gift. It says “you are not alone”. It inspires connection and insight. It’s a practice arena that shows if I can do it with others holding my hand, or accepting me, I can do it.

If I can do it with others, I can do it with myself.

So if you find yourself willing, interested and drawn to connecting to your most inner wise compassionate advisor and awakened one within (yes, that one is there, always) then join me for a half day retreat, or the longer spring retreat coming in May (four days of The Work heaven)!

I’d love to spend time with you sharing the inner world we usually don’t think of as share-worthy (LOL). What freedom to find we’re all on the same journey, discovering peace.

“If you don’t know that who you authentically are does not suffer and has no need for beliefs, you are practicing believing that the separate self is real and that suffering is inevitable.” ~ Cheri Huber

Spend some time with others practicing un-believing how separate you are.

I love how Byron Katie says you have only two choices: believe your thoughts, or question them. There’s no other option.

I’d rather question them.

Even if you live on the other side of the world from where I do–find a partner, connect with people, call the Help Line (it’s free), come to retreat somewhere, anywhere.

Practice questioning. It’s more fun than believing. At least it sure has been for me. (Understatement of the century).

Sign up for this month’s Living Turnarounds Half-Day Sunday 2/25 right HERE.

Much love,

Grace

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Have you ever stopped to see if you believe your depressing thoughts?

Live on facebook was sweet on Feb 14th. I received many wonderful terrible thoughts about relationships to question (thank you all who sent them).

The chosen Valentine’s Day thought? What I have, should be different. Different relationship. Coupled, not single. Other person, not the one I have. Different relationship status.

Different is better. THIS isn’t good.

To see how the inquiry turned out, head over to the facebook page right here.

And for those of you patiently waiting for the website to work again, it now does (don’t use www): https://workwithgrace.com.

Finally, I did it. Peace Talk Podcast has been revived after a quiet spell.

The first topic of inquiry after this time of silence?

Gaps in communication, death, dying, endings. Except, sometimes, revivals.

You just never know how something’s going to unfold. You never do really know, do you?

Who would we be without the story that it’s better to know what’s going to happen? Or even that we can? Or that we need to make a plan, and follow it?

Not that there’s anything wrong with plans and schedules. Let’s not get crazy….knowing what time it is and agreeing to some basics makes life simple.

The bus leaves at 7:05, so get there at 6:55. You still may not leave, there still may be no bus, but oh so sweet if everything comes together and there is one. It’s fun, rather wondrous, people sharing needs and services, efficient.

Who would be be without our stories that it has to go the way we want, in order to be happy?

In a big ongoing adventure! And most importantly, feeling super curious, and having fun. Maybe having more fun than if it went the way you planned.

You can listen to the new episode 135 of Peace Talk on itunes right here. Look for the latest new episode also on google play, soundcloud, I Heart Radio and several other audio services.

Thanks for listening, for being here with me in The Work in all these ways, for coming along for this ride of questioning thoughts and unraveling the unnecessary pain.

“Do you believe what you think? Often, within pain or depression, there are thoughts you’ve had for so long and held so close that you don’t even know they are there. And you’ve never stopped to see if you even believe them.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

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Tech Support Nightmares…To Sweet Dreams

Facebook Live at 6 pm today Pacific Time for anyone and everyone who wants to join me for inquiry on wanting to control what’s happening. Facebook page is here and you simply go to that page for these live shares, and you’ll see me visible in a post area. If you miss it live, it’ll be recorded and stay right there on the page to watch later, including any mistakes or goofiness that happens. Live, unedited inquiry.

*******************

And so for the seventh morning in a row, I checked to see if my websites were acting “normally”.

As in, you type in the name of the site, and voila, you arrive there on your computer. It’s what we tend to expect when exploring or finding something online.

But no.

My daily call to Tech Support is the next step so yet another tech support person might help address this problem of why my sites say they are “not secure” when they in fact are.

No one can visit them. Including me.

All the people in Eating Peace Process can’t access their presentations and recordings at the eatingpeace.com. Anyone wanting to read or comment on Grace Notes or look up the spring retreat dates can’t see them at workwithgrace.com. Seattle folks who want to dance on Saturdays can’t find driving directions at freeformdancedance.com.

This is a disaster! (LOL, you know where this is going, right?)

What I love about The Work is you get to start at the beginning with question one, instead of wildly romping through how you react without pause. You’re already reacting, when you feel upset, frustrated, depressed, disappointed.

The Work let’s you slow it all down, name your belief in the form of a statement, and look objectively at what you’re thinking.

My websites should be working. They should be accessible. They should NOT show weird error warnings that they aren’t ‘safe’.

Is it true?

Yes!!

What is going on?!

I pay for these sites to work! They have something-or-other called an SSL installed for security. They are “safe”! They don’t have viruses. They haven’t been hacked. The support people should fix this NOW.

Can you absolutely know this is true?

Ugh.

No.

What I notice in reality is that something funky happened with a migration of hosting–in other words, moving my three sites to a different place in the great big network of the internet (don’t worry, you don’t have to be technical to get the point).

Can I absolutely know it’s true something shouldn’t have gone wrong? Everything “should” be the way it used to be? That I shouldn’t need to wait, or call, or have this so-called problem?

No. What’s the reality of it?

There are no working sites for these three information spots. Are these sites really necessary for world peace? No. Is it really a disaster? No. Am I sure it should go differently than the way it’s going? No. Is it really a hassle to make phone calls to Technical Support? No.

How do I react when I believe this “problem” is happening, and it shouldn’t be?

OMG.

I sigh deeply. I think about ending this relationship with the company that hosts my sites. I go back and forth between aggression and helplessness.

Divorce! Cut off! Good riddance! I’m never gonna be your friend again! Anger! Disappointment! Complaining!

But who would you be without this belief, that it shouldn’t be going the way it’s going and these sites should be “working” and accessible?

Haha.

Almost funny to think of this wondering.

Without this belief, I’d be goofy dancing to the On Hold music which is now becoming very familiar.

Feeling interested in each new individual I speak with, marveling at all the different voices, questions, and at how  everyone is to try to do the best they can to help and take lots of notes and send the problem on to another higher level expert (their idea).

Kind of excited by my own awareness that when I see things aren’t resolved yet, I wait and I get interested myself in the problem solving. I read and learn things on the internet about what could be wrong. I’m super curious. It’s actually fun.

Like figuring out what’s happening in any machine or system….how fascinating. This approach applies to all things technical and internet, but also a flat tire, the broken dishwasher, the drivers-license renewal queue, the clogged drain, a science experiment, something hurting in the body, money, and relationships.

Yes, even relationships.

Because this feels like a new attitude, when I question my thinking.

Without my beliefs of how it shouldn’t be the way it actually is, I continue on with the process, the dance, the intrigue. I keep going with the project. I wonder “wow, this will be interesting to see what happens next!”

Maybe I do shut down everything and move on to other adventures that don’t involve websites, but who knows?

What lightness, without these beliefs that what I’m focusing on should be any different. I still have the vision of participating with change, the curiosity, being connected and involved in this predicament.

And it’s fun instead of aggravating.

Turning the thoughts around:

My websites should NOT be working. They should NOT be accessible. They should show weird error warnings that they aren’t ‘safe’.

My thinking should be working. My thinking should be accessible. My thinking should should show weird error warnings that these thoughts aren’t ‘safe’.

Aren’t these turnarounds a delight to find?

How could these turnarounds be just as true, or truer?

I’m learning some interesting things about the backend of websites. I’m aware of my commitment to understanding.

I get to respond to emails that have been forgotten as I wait on hold, and write this very inquiry out. I get to see how it doesn’t really matter, in a good way, that a website can’t or can be seen on the web. Everyone who needs access to something on one of the websites has written me via email and I’ve been able to solve or find answers for everyone, 100% of the time.

And oh boy, the turnarounds to the thinking….so great:

My thinking IS showing weird error warnings that my thoughts aren’t safe. I was noticing stress, nervousness, frustration. But now, it’s all kind of collapsed as I felt the red lights flashing (in the form of emotions) and stopped to question.

My thinking is now working for me. Open to the next step, which is to await someone to email me back as they dive more deeply into this issue. I picture several experts all putting their heads together to see how to solve this.

My attention turns to working with a client, then the money teleclass in a few hours, then more clients.

There is no emergency, and in many ways (in every way), no issue whatsoever.

Ahhhhh.

Much love,

Grace

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The Work is seeing the Dragon

There’s a simple exercise I mention and offer when working with people in the eating peace process (a course to look at our eating behaviors and wonder about them in a new way).

I call it the “shhhhhhhh” exercise.

Kind of like a jumping jack, when it comes to calisthenics.

Only all it involves is raising your pointer finger to your lips and making the sound “shhhhhhh” which means to be quiet.

“Shhhhhh”.

When things get a little loud, chaotic, out of tune, blaring.

A re-mind-er to the thinking brain to settle down, quiet, stop fussing with all it’s antics about what has gone wrong and what could go wrong or any other fodder its suggesting, that creates nervous (or worse) energy.

When I say “shhhhhh” in a gentle way like this, I get to pause, relax, and open to what’s visiting.

As I sit, I see images flow through like clips from movies, happening now, yesterday, last week, in the future, ten years ago….

*one hundred participants gathered in a hall all seated on the floor cross-legged, many heads of pitch-black hair all facing forward. I see from my position on the floor the teacher sharing with us in his soft and very thick Indian accent, in English.

*crows cawing and flying in a crowd just outside the living room window dawn

*sun beams creating stripes on the pale yellow wall to my right

*hearing sweet voices and speaking into my computer on my lap in the middle of a wet afternoon about inquiry on money and feeling compassion for the suffering and worrying…wishing I might grant peace with a magic wand and noticing a thought that this is inadequate

*a cup of tea filled to the brim….only now, it’s empty….but it could be full again later this afternoon

Seeing the physical things around me, remembering the physical things that once were around me, anticipating and projecting things around me, later.

Who would we be without our stressful, certain-they’re-true stories?

We may still be story-tellers…

….thrilled with the moment, carrying on, feeling the full feelings of life, celebrating, sorrowing, grieving, being very quiet, living this particular life with all it’s mystery and curiosity and strangeness….

….loving what is.

We’d be remembering how lovely a story is, and that it is a story.

We’d be honoring the story to the depths of our hearts, and respecting the stories we’ve lived, without rejecting, condemning, denying, or hating them.

“People who deny the existence of dragons are often eaten by dragons. From within.” ~ Ursula Le Guin (thank you for your contributions and RIP).

The thing I love most about The Work is turning towards the story.

I see the thing I’m most opposed or upset about, the trouble. I look at it closely. I answer the Judge Your Neighbor questions about it, without trying to change it, expecting immediate answers, or fixing myself.

I judge, I look, I scream, shout, cry the story and I hear myself tell it. I’m in the story.

I can see then, what it is.

A story. A great, wonderful, beautiful, tragic story.

But not one that is True to the end of time. Not ever. There’s always a new chapter.

There’s always the Don’t Know mind.

How loving that is.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. My website is still down. And I missed at least 48 hours worth of emails that all got deleted. Yes, it could be a Grace Note. Coming soon!

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Money is safety (and other myths)

Last call for all the inquirers interested in doing ten weeks of The Work on money…or we should probably say we’re really doing The Work on our thinking about security, safety, comfort, adventure, fun, pleasure, ease, play, special-ness.

Because these are the qualities we generally think money can buy.

To sign up visit HERE.
Even if you never, ever do The Work on money, you may recognize the things it appears to be able to buy, and investigate these if it seems stressful.
Not long ago, I was talking to a distant family member who said he loved money for the safety it supplied, and would be supplying in the future.
Safe future, safe from physical pain, safe from suffering when he’s aging, safe from loneliness. The money will pay for people who are younger to do chores and tasks and who can handle his physical needs, errands, medical attention, companionship.
Now, there’s nothing wrong with getting set up for any of these options. Why not?
But I heard also the sound of someone who was terrified of Not Having Money. Intolerable to think of going without it, or not having enough eventually.
Money would be buying safety.
For a second, I felt different. “I’m not concerned with accumulating and saving like that”, I said to myself. “I’m so over it. I’d hate to have those kinds of fears and anxieties and the need to hold on to an amount that seemed to be ‘enough’ for sometime later in the future.”
“Thank goodness I’m so easy-going in this department. Heck, I’m even offering an inquiry course on money! No problemo! Let money do what it does, I’m alive and well and…..”
Wait a minute.
Sigh.
I almost thought I was better than the one who was worrying about money, or believing money provided safety. That tricky rabbit (mind).
So let’s inquire today.
The belief: Having money means you are granted a certain level of safety in advanced age: you receive care, attention, what you need, comfort, treatment.
Is that true?
YES. Let’s be honest here. Jeez, have you been in the various kinds and levels of nursing homes or facilities? There’s a difference.
But can you absolutely know it’s true that having money grants you safety?
No.
I really can’t know this at all. I’ve been without money, and been perfectly safe. I’ve had money, and felt terrified.
I sat many hours for days with a dear friend who was in a fancy place for hospice care, and I’m honestly not sure it was better than all the many places I’ve spent time in with other people in the past who had nothing. The fancier place smelled a little better and had a nicer looking lobby.
I’ve had no money, and asked perfect strangers for help and they were incredibly generous and accommodating. I’ve had money and still gotten the flu, hurt my leg, sprained my ankle, been criticized.
What is safety? Is it a sense of comfort? Don’t surprises happen whether you have money, or don’t? Do I really need to have money to have connection with other humans, or receive support?
With the thought that more money makes things safer, or better…I miss what’s happening now. I lose my sense of humor. I fail to notice the incredible comfort I’m experiencing in the present moment as I think of the future.
With the thought that money grants safety, I notice it’s all about the physical body and it’s support. Is that really what and who I think I am? A body?
“Success is a concept, an illusion. Do you want the $3900 chair instead of the $39 one? Well, sitting is sitting. Without a story, we’re successful wherever we are.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is
Who would I be without my story of the future and safety, and money making it better?
Huh.
Rather funny.
Hilarious even.
It all seems to be a big story, created in an instant, then the mind moves on to the next piece of entertainment. I notice without the story of money meaning safety, it comes and goes, I get motivated or not, I rest, I work, I sleep, I wonder.
Not having the thought that money = safety, it doesn’t mean I don’t have it in my life, enjoy it, use it, give it away, keep some, or work hard for it at times.
I notice an ongoing relationship with it.
Turning the thought around in all the ways I can find:
  • Having money does NOT mean you are granted any safety in the future.
  • Having inquiry–the capacity to question your mind–means safety in the future.
  • Safety in the future is not even possible here in this moment…it’s only an idea.
  • Safety now means having money in the future
  • Having money means lack-of-safety in the future.
  • Nothing is guaranteed, including safety (safety from what?) or money or a future.
Good lord.
It’s all true and none of it is true.
But isn’t that a relief in a way?
No control, no set story. Follow the simple directions.
If you need some money, there are ways to acquire it in integrity. If you want to save, there are ways to do this, with love.
All I can find is that fear is not required…and I can feel immense compassion for those and for myself when I’ve felt fear about money.
What can we do?
The Work.
“Fill your bowl to the brim and it will spill. Keep sharpening your knife and it will blunt. Chase after money and security and your heart will never unclench. Care about people’s approval and you will be their prisoner. Do your work then step back, the only path to serenity.” ~ Tao Te Ching #9
 
If you want to come on the journey of identifying the stories you’re scaring yourself with, and exploring and dissolving them with the four questions….it’ll be a wonderful money adventure. Join me here.
Much love,

Grace

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SURPRISE!! From Oh No to Oh Yes–with The Work!

Lake Washington only one block away from Goldilocks Cottage. For retreats, we’ll stop by for our Morning Walk in The Work.

We’re calling this upcoming weekend the SURPRISE RETREAT weekend. It’s a fairly last-minute location and venue change from Oregon to Seattle. It’s December. It’s in 3 days. It’s so close to Christmas and New Year’s Eve.

SURPRISE!

As someone just said to me “it’s dirt cheap”. I had to hesitate a moment to wonder if that was a compliment or not. It’s true a two hour session with me is $175, and this is about twenty hours.

With a maximum of ten people, everyone will have time to do their own work on a relationship or issue they’ve been wanting to resolve and change (or two, or three). You’ll have training, attention, and the continuous care of being held in this supportive environment where you can share your most distressing thoughts without shame or fear. I’m with you every step of the way.

The thinking behind the low fee was because the location changed last minute from a deep winter woods resort with hot springs, massages and all meals provided….

….to you getting yourself to northeast Seattle, finding your own place to stay, and acquiring your own meals (there are many beautiful airbnb’s in the neighborhood, and restaurants a block away, by the way).

Plus. Let’s be honest.

People don’t exactly flock to the Pacific Northwest at this darkest and wettest time of the year. Even the airplane tickets are super cheap. (Check with Alaska, by the way, or your favorite airline–you might be surprised–keeping the theme of surprise).

The coffee houses are full of steaming gortex jackets, the time between dawn and dusk is very short, and it appears to be either misting, pattering or downpouring from morning until evening, and often all night as well.

All these reasons actually create a brilliant atmosphere for a SURPRISE retreat.

Because outside it may be rainy and dark, but what are the surprises we get most concerned about?

Surprises that don’t bring us such good news (we think).

Uncomfortable relationship surprises. Worrisome health surprises. Devastating money surprises. Anxiety-filled surprises.

Some people don’t even like positive surprises. (Remind me to tell you about two different surprise parties given for me that were a little, shall we say, too surprising).

SURPRISE!

  • When my parents said “we’re moving”
  • When my mom switched off Cinderella the first time I ever got to watch TV when I was seven
  • When my high school boyfriend said he preferred to date someone else and take HER to the prom instead
  • When my mom told me my dad had leukemia
  • When my sister said I was a bi&%h!
  • When my boss said “I need to speak with you about your timesheet”
  • When my former husband said he didn’t want to be married anymore
  • When my daughter said she wanted to change schools
  • When my other sister never replied to any of my messages, cards or emails
  • When one of my oldest close friends died
  • When one of my best friends betrayed me

These situations were so scary. Some of them were life-changing and terrifying.

I didn’t like these surprises. To put it mildly.

And yet, now that I have The Work I have a remarkable tool to really examine each and every disturbing moment.

I know how to handle or work with these kinds of alarming thoughts that scream when I hear surprising news that appears to be not so good.

Which is exactly what we’ll be doing at our retreat. We’ll be inside with mugs of hot tea, pen and paper, sharing in the cozy atmosphere of freedom available to anyone willing to question the thoughts that produce suffering.

Sometimes, people who attend retreat get to write their first full worksheet on a stressful situation in their lives. They’ve been doing The Work perhaps for a long time, but it’s all been in their cars while driving, or on little pieces of paper, or while in conversation with a trusted friend.

They haven’t written out a full worksheet, mindfully–really getting every single thought out about that relationship or situation on paper.

You get to really go for it on retreat, when you give yourself the time.

You get to dump, unedited, unabashedly, without shame or guilt (even if you DO feel guilty, you get to write what you think). You get to be childish, petty, freaked out, furious. You don’t have to do it well. You get to be imperfect and against the grain. You get to really express your pain, on paper.

This first step of writing down your thinking can be the most exquisite relief. No fixing, no hiding, no softening, no re-wording it to sound better, no adjusting the language to be better heard. No worrying about if anyone will be surprised.

No….you get to completely go wild on paper.

Which is not as easy as it sounds.

When I first started doing The Work, I wanted to burn my worksheets, hide them, shred them and I would say to my facilitator “I’m sorry this is so horribly judgmental” or something like that. I was worried what the person asking me the questions would think of such a loser.

I went for it anyway.

You can too.

All it takes is the willingness to answer four questions, with an open mind.

My favorite part of all?

The surprise that continues through questioning each thought with The Work, wondering about the story we’re telling, imagining what it would be like without believing in something hurtful, turning the thoughts around. You find your own clarity, without being told what to think, do, say, feel. No suggestions or advice, no right way to do it or wrong way to do it.

All you need to do is answer the questions. And yes, it is incredibly powerful to get support in how, to listen to other peoples’ answers, to ponder your stressful thought longer than you normally do–all benefits of attending a retreat and giving yourself this meditation.

What do we find out, 100% of the time?

A sense of peace, neutrality, lightness, curiosity, space, breathing room. An interest in continuing the exploration no matter how long it takes. An awareness we might have been missing, often for years.

SURPRISE!

You had the answers all along.

“Each day holds a surprise. But only if we expect it can we see, hear, or feel it when it comes to us. Let’s not be afraid to receive each day’s surprise, whether it comes to us as sorrow or as joy.” ~ Henri Nouwen

Much love,
Grace
P.S. My husband Jon will be joining us for Saturday and Sunday. He and I have done The Work together and with and ON each other for 8 years. We made this facebook video on doing The Work on whose movie pick is better for a night out–his or mine. LOL!

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Was I teaching peace? Or fear?

First Friday open call for everyone is this Friday December 1st at 7:45 – 9:15 am Pacific time. Join HERE.

Wow, people are flying in and making AirBnB reservations nearby, or staying with friends, or commuting to Seattle December 8-10. Because of time of year, last-minute prep and the lower expense of having it right in my own cottage, the fee is only $195 for Friday 9:30 am through Sunday noon.

If you’d really like to come Friday all-day only, you’re welcome for $95. If you’re experienced in The Work and want to come Saturday afternoon only 12/9 from 2:00-6:00 let me know, there may be room to make this work. To join us in what will surely be an inner adventure, sign up HERE for all 3 days. Hit reply if you have any question or see a different arrangement working for you.

I can’t wait. I love what’s possible when you allow new ideas to pop in and unfold–which is this retreat itself. I love someone’s coming from California, and another from the east coast. What a time to do The Work, in this wet, dark, rainy atmosphere when sometimes Other People and The World can be daunting.

For example.

I saw an old familiar sort of post the other day on facebook, with a deeply troubled objection to The Work. Or perhaps the objection was to the world, to life, to what is seen by the mind.

I totally get what Byron Katie is telling us … “it hurts when I argue with reality” … but sometimes it is so hard to even imagine not arguing with the horrors that are happening all around us and the immeasurable suffering involved. Much of the time it feels so cynical. (FACEBOOK post)

Someone else then chimed in that she thinks of sex trafficking, abduction, drug use, slavery…and how could anyone ever say to victimized children that they should love what is?

My heart sunk in the sadness of the approach, and the misunderstanding. I hope no one ever says to someone suffering deeply “you should love what is”.

Actually, someone doing their own inquiry work, I can’t imagine being able to say it. It would be so opposite of compassion, unconditional care, or doing The Work–which is an Inside Job.

And ONLY an inside job.

But I could feel the despair in what these people wrote.

It’s a profound wondering to look out into the world, that appears to be filled with destruction, environmental change (I just learned since 1970 the world’s wild animal population has been cut in half), mass shootings, war, violence, starvation, pollution, poverty, anger, suffering, unkindness….

….and hold what we see up against the powerful phrase “loving what is.”

Are you telling me to love THAT?!

Fortunately, what I’ve found is no one is ever telling me anything.

All The Work is….is four questions.

I have to be the one doing the actual work of inquiry. I get to find out if I love what is, or don’t love it, and the true deepest meaning of “love” and how to sit with reality even when it breaks my heart.

I get to see that there is no division of the world cut into evil and good, love and hate, life and death, terrible and wonderful.

Everything is all mixed up together….all the time.

When I do The Work one thought at a time, slowed down, considering and contemplating each individual situation I’ve noticed I’m arguing with, is the outcome isn’t my old definition of “love”.

 

I’m opened, in a new way, to what is. My heart is broken open sometimes. It’s not exactly soft, friendly.

 

Once I thought I heard Byron Katie say “I’m asking you to go into hell. This is not easy.” Although I’m not sure of the quote.

 

And yet it’s my experience. The Work isn’t for sissies. We’re going to hell. On purpose. (Or because if you’re like me, you’ve tried absolutely everything else and you have no other choice really).

 

Questioning the destruction or brutal nature of incidents, of things that frighten me like disease and death, fighting and violence….

 

….this process called The Work does not lead to passivity.

 

It doesn’t lead to me knowing what anyone else should do or not do. It does not lead to me needing something from other people in order to be happy, or living alone in a bubble.

 

It doesn’t lead me to pure detachment, or thinking no one or nothing else matters in an apathetic kind of way, or a resigned way. I find apathy and resignation to feel stressful, and therefore worthy of inquiry of course.

 

But let’s see. Hmmm.

 

The only way I know to work with a stressful thought?

 

The Work.

 

The people on facebook and all those who think doing The Work means standing and looking at other peoples’ suffering without action, without caring or attention….

 

….they should understand they’re mistaken.

 

They shouldn’t think The Work is spiritual self-centeredness. They should see it brings out greater action, passion, fearless movement, transformation. They should understand.

 

Is it true?

 

No. What’s the reality?

 

They see lots of pain in the world, and they don’t see how looking at the pain differently would change it. They want to see empowered action, movement, healing, kindness. I do too.

 

How do I react when I believe those people shouldn’t judge The Work as condoning violence, or abuse of children, or that it preaches to people to love what is?

 

Frustrated. Irritated. Sad. Wanting to set them straight and explain to them what’s really true.

 

Who would I be without the thought?

 

Starting to compose a rare facebook post to try to explain or respond….and deleting it. Understanding their suffering and pain.

 

Doing my own work, instead. Signing up to attend a meeting to get involved in climate change work, this very week. Just did it.

 

Working with myself and others on their experiences of abuse, rape, cancer, illness, death, suicide, addiction, fear and terror.

 

Being profoundly moved by sitting in this work and then being called to live my turnarounds as best I can. Getting involved with a compassionate heart, not an angry one.

 

Not fighting or thinking anyone’s wrong to have their opinion.

 

Turning the thought around: They should say and think and feel exactly what they do.
 
They’re right.

 

There are horrors, immeasurable suffering, and arguments with it all.

 

Turning it around again: I myself who thinks doing The Work means standing and looking at my own (or others’) suffering without action, without caring or attention…. 

….I should understand I am mistaken.
I shouldn’t think The Work is spiritual anything. I should see it brings out greater action, passion, fearless movement, transformation. I should understand others, and myself. 

Have I ever treated doing The Work as something that allows me to stand and look at suffering without action, or care?

Wow. Yes. I once kept doing The Work over and over again on the same person because I felt so angry. He was a person full of suffering–he said so himself. He told me to leave him alone, and I didn’t.

I wasn’t caring for my own suffering. I wasn’t caring for his requests. I did The Work with a motive not to be angry, so I could keep pestering him and avoid looking at my own life.

I also forget that my path is no better than anyone else’s path, that I have nothing they don’t also have. I think I know more or better than someone who wrote something on facebook, who I’ve never met before. I forget I’m not in charge.

“Just as we use stress and fear to motivate ourselves to make money, we often rely on anger and frustration to move us to social activism. If I want to act sanely and effectively while I clean up the earth’s environment, let me begin by cleaning up my own environment. All the trash and pollution in my thinking–let me clean up that by meeting it with love and understanding. Then my action can become truly effective. It takes just one person to help the planet. That one is you.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

Thank you people who posted on facebook, and thank you news, and reports, and speeches and rallies and images, movies, pictures, radio information, and very troubling happenings of any kind (that mostly seem to occur on my computer I notice)….you show me my invitation to help the planet.

To see the planet as helping me.

To bring out the best, most truly effective action possible, without expectation or demand of any kind.

“You learn to resolve problems peacefully within yourself, and now we have a teacher. Fear teaches fear. Only peace can teach peace.” ~ Byron Katie 

Much love,

Grace

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What complainers taught me about complaining

In Year of Inquiry we’re in Month 3 and guess what the topic is?

COMPLAINTS.

In some ways, this is really all The Work is ever about….you know what I mean? What I complain about, what I’m at odds with, what I dislike, what I find stressful.

Complaining is perhaps a lighter, more common way of saying “I am arguing with reality on this one! I object!”

It’s a bit hard to look at complaints honestly sometimes. We’re told we’re not supposed to complain, we’re not supposed to be negative or drone on about something we don’t like, we’re not supposed to bring other people down, we should be positive.

But, I’ve noticed…even if it’s in my own mind…complaining appears to happen. And what a relief, and even rather fascinating, to listen to these complaints and hear them, for once, instead of trying to get away from them or rejecting them in a flash.

The other day with the YOI group, as I was considering any voices I heard within that appeared to worry, object, complain….I remembered a place I’ve experienced a MAJOR COMPLAINT:

Those other people shouldn’t complain! He shouldn’t complain about traffic. She shouldn’t complain about the weather. They shouldn’t complain about the leadership. 

I discovered, when it came to my own complaints, I always had the same repetitive thought about some people in the world: They complain. They should stop!!

A great exercise to find your own objections to and complaints about the world, to life, to any situations you don’t find pleasant….is to take fifteen minutes, get a pen and paper or your writing device, and make a list of things you find complaint-worthy.

You don’t have to call them “complaints” if you don’t like that word, or it’s been drilled into you to never complain. You can call this a list of things that scare you, bother you, trouble you. Things you wish would change fairly frequently.

Then, once you have this list in front of you, you can ask another question (we all did this in Year of Inquiry): What if this behavior, style, manner, words, condition, situation, person….never, ever, ever stopped? What’s the worst that could happen? What would you hate about that?

So, for my complaint about other people who complain….I ask myself “what if they never stop complaining, ever?”

What would be bad about that?

  • I’d be stuck listening to them forever
  • I’d never ever want to be around them
  • I’d always have this one “problem” at work
  • I’d never relax when in their presence
  • I’d be angry every time that person came near me
  • there’d be nothing fun or good, ever, about hanging out with that person
You have your own list.

 

And how wonderful to have a list like this…because then you can begin to take your concepts through the self-inquiry process called The Work. You can make your concept what you’d say about the present moment, since you can’t really know what will happen in the future.

 

So for the person I thought of who complained constantly (in my opinion) I would see her in my mind’s eye, talking and talking about all the terrible things she’s encountered, and consider my thought:

 

I’m stuck listening to her forever.

Is this true?

Yes. I’ve been at this job 4 years and she’s never stopped complaining.

Can I absolutely know it’s true?

No. I’m not actually “stuck” listening to her. I can excuse myself and walk away. I’m treating myself like I’m a victim here, trapped. It’s a little weird. And not true.

How do I react when I believe I’m stuck listening to her?

I stay and nod politely. I smile. I think about when I can get out of here and go to my own cubicle to start working. I look at her and pretend I’m listening. I wish she’d be quiet. I’m not honest. I don’t know what to do. I recognize I have thoughts about what people are supposed to do to remain polite. I feel irritation towards this person.

Who would I be without this thought that I’m stuck listening to her?

Pause.

How interesting this word “stuck”….like I’m actually unable to depart, move, make a suggestion, connect. Everything with the thought is about escaping. But without the thought?

Hmmm. I’d see someone over there who really wants to connect. She’s singing a song, and it has a minor tune. She’s worried, lonely, anxious. She doesn’t seem very happy. Without my thought that I’m stuck listening, I notice I’m free to come and go as feels right. I care about her. I feel compassion for her. I actually even like her. She has a very sweet face, and absolutely beautiful eyes.

Without my belief, I feel a deep breath. I feel a gentle touch, reaching out to put my hand on her arm. I don’t have to wait for her to take a breath between sentences, I just move away. I feel kind, and open, and silent.

Without the thought, when I arrive at work, I simply begin my tasks and allow the quiet of the office to settle around us all. I don’t feel the weird push-pull angst about stuck-ness, or the worry about being polite, or the concern about making sure she feels heard. I’m back in my own business, doing my own work, listening, or speaking up and saying “I’m going to work now”. I feel a deep sense of joy within.

Where did that idea come from about being “stuck” listening?

From me. Not her.

I have options to move in the direction that feels right, without my belief that I’m stuck listening, if she’s complaining or voicing concerns. I notice this isn’t a repeat of my childhood with my grandma (which I could also question THAT situation).

This is a different human being, with her own life and experience, and I am free. We both are.

Turning the thought around: I am NOT stuck listening to her forever.

Ha ha. Not by any stretch of the imagination. This was a job I held for five years, and I saw her Monday through Friday, and only for short chunks of time on those days. She was right next to me in a cubicle, but there were many minutes and hours when her chair was unoccupied, and so was mine, or when we were both working and not speaking. Far more minutes of quiet than of talking, honestly.

I was never, ever stuck.

My thinking was stuck. That’s another key turnaround. My thinking was like a broken record, repeating itself every time she approached “oh no here comes the complainer”. My thinking was constantly and forever complaining about HER.

The last turnaround: She is stuck speaking to me forever. 

Could she have been stuck NEVER getting a satisfying response, or an honest reaction, from me?

Um, yes. I didn’t connect with her truly. I didn’t speak up and ask her more questions, or say what didn’t sit well for me, or wonder about her opinions, or treat her like a whole, viable, important human being in my life who obviously had an important message for me personally. I didn’t say what didn’t work. I play acted. She was stuck speaking to the non-me forever.

I love that complaining person was in my life. She showed me how to share, connect, listen and speak up….as well as how to stop listening when it was time and move to the tasks I was supposed to be doing. I appreciate her immensely.

(This is really, really true).

“The basic realization that other people can’t possibly be your problem, that it’s your thoughts about them that are the problem–this realization is huge. This one insight will shake your whole world, from top to bottom. And then, when you question your specific thoughts about mother, father, sister, brother, husband, wife, boss, colleague, child, you watch your identity unravel. Losing the ‘you’ that you thought you were isn’t a scary thing. It’s thrilling. It’s fascinating. Who are you really, behind all the facades?” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

If you want to look at an important relationship, like a co-worker who just can’t stop complaining….or mother, father, sister, brother, husband, wife, boss, colleague, child….we’ll be doing it at Breitenbush Hotsprings Conference Center in Oregon Dec. 7-10. Fabulous people are flying in to Portland. Come join us for this winter mental cleanse. Read more about it HERE.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. If you find yourself complaining about food, eating, your weight, your body shape or size, compulsive behavior….then Eating Peace Process is beginning on Tuesday and it will close for participation this year at noon on Nov. 14th. We go for five months and it’s a wonderful time to spend in The Work with a small group of people wanting to explore eating at the root level, and find clarity about ourselves and our behaviors with eating. To read more visit HERE.