Category: Parenting

The other day I received an email from a wonderful inquirer who had taken my parenting class in the past.

“How do I handle such disrespect!?!” she asked.

That moment when a child, whether age four or age fourteen or twenty-four, says something disrespectful and your reaction is instant, big and full of feeling….what’s going on there?

What is actually so disturbing about this disrespectful moment?

And the reaction is so fast, so strong….it’s like there is an immediate “NOOOOO!” rising up from the inside somewhere.

How dare you say that! You will not speak to me that way! Go to your room! Get out of my sight! You are grounded! Arrrrgghghghgh! 

Not that I would know anything about that kind of reaction. But I’ve read quite a bit about it and seen it in the movies (heh heh).

The most wonderful way of looking at this split second of reacting with the massive No is to break it down in very slow motion, and of course, inquire.

So, here come those words, that facial expression, that behavior. They are expressed out of that person over there (who happens to be someone you love, your child).

If you turned the sound off of the movie, and replayed the moment, and looked at it from every angle…what do you think it means when someone is doing that?

For me, I had to become quite still when considering this, so that I wasn’t reacting anymore. It was lovely to become still. And hard. Something inside me wanted to stay AGAINST that scene, and that person.

If you become still, you can’t be so against the situation. You are more objective, you are looking. Almost like you’re a scientist studying human behavior and wondering what is inspiring this particular kind of behavior.

So what does it mean when that beloved child of yours says that “mean” thing (that you are interpreting as disrespectful)?

Usually, I noticed that when I had the surge of anger, frustration, defense coming through me, I was believing the following thoughts:

• she doesn’t respect me, and that means I haven’t earned respect by becoming scary, powerful, angry, firm, brilliant or kind enough
• she is defying me, so she thinks I’m stupid, wrong, mistaken, or unimportant
• he doesn’t love me, he doesn’t care about me, he is not motivated to have concern for my feelings so this means I am not interesting/helpful/powerful in his life
• she thinks I am a bad parent, she would prefer another mom
• chaos is occuring, I don’t know what’s happening, and this scares me
• he thinks I have no worth
• I don’t matter
• she is not doing what I say, so this means I will not get what I want or need
• I will be abandoned, I am alone
• I can’t handle this
• I am not lovable, smart, or mature enough

These thoughts create a deep, sinking, gut-wrenching feeling that almost has no words. The beliefs are all piled and stuck together like a ball of yarn, intricately connected.

The ultimate view of the self is “worthless” or “powerless” and being someone who has no control over this child, this moment, this experience, this commentary.

The thing is, it’s TRUE that we don’t have any control.

Every life lived in its own unique way, with a unique timeline. We can’t save them, or they save us. In the big scheme of things, in the matter of life and death, we are basically powerless.

In questioning these thoughts and looking at them from every angle, turning them all around and considering the opposite views….what does that look like? What happens with our feeling of being so against that moment of “disrespect”?

What if we stop believing that those words, behaviors or actions MEAN we are bad or that THEY are bad or that this is a big disastrous mess?

I notice fear, simple fear, is inside the core of these beliefs. If I look with care at this moment when I am feeling the fear, and look at every thought with acceptance, and turn it all around:

• she does respect me, she is expressing herself to ME, she is exposing her true inner anger, fear, sadness, terror to ME, she is inviting me in, even if it seems brusque or harsh
• she is defying me, so she thinks I’m smart, right, NOT mistaken, important–she cares about my opinion, she wants me to KNOW her sincerely and that she does not see things the same as me–she thinks I’m powerful enough to defy
• he does love me, he does care about me, he is deeply motivated to have NO concern for my feelings because he is finding his own opinions, or knows my opinions are not right for HIS particular world. I am, in fact, very powerful and interesting to him, so much so that he needs to detach himself in order to find his own way.
• she thinks I am a good parent, she loves me inherently and wants no other mom (I am the one who thinks of myself as a bad parent, imperfect, not doing it right)
• chaos is occuring, I don’t know what’s happening, and this does NOT scare me
• he thinks I have great worth, that he has great worth, and wants me to see this as well
• I do matter, so much
• she is not doing what I say, so this means I need to get what I want or need in some OTHER way, to take care of myself and show that I am doing this, to model self-care
• I will always be connected, I am never alone–I am with myself if I am not with my child
• I am lovable, smart, and mature enough to be in the presence of this younger human
• I can handle this

Byron Katie suggests that anyone who is yelling at you may need to be speaking loudly for some important reason.

I know with my daughter, I would guess what she liked, wanted or needed before she could even tell me.

I haven’t liked it when someone assumes they know something about me.

I stand before my children and feel what it is like, from the inside out, to be OK with who they are and who I am, even when they are very angry with me.

One of my favorite professors in graduate school for Applied Behavioral Science long ago said in a lecture on Family Systems Counseling “You know what it takes to be a parent? Being willing to be hated.”

Funny, as I do The Work and “allow” them to be furious, or to correct me, or to say what they really feel….they turn out to not need to say it so loudly, or slam a door, or hide from me.

And I’m sure I’ll get the opportunity again to “work” on it.

“Our parents, our children, our spouses, and our friends will continue to press every button we have, until we realize what it is that we don’t want to know about ourselves, yet. They will point us to our freedom every time.” ~ Byron Katie

One thing I know…is that I want to know everything about myself that is possible to know.

Even if you’re not sure you’re going to like what you find out about yourself, try it anyway. You may find much compassion for yourself, and love.

Love, Grace

One of my absolutely most obsessive thoughts that I remember from long ago, that carried itself forward for several years, was “my children should be home-schooled”.

I read every education author out there that I could get my hands on. I got the books on free schools and democratic schools and private schools and specialty schools. I read about Un-Schooling, I heard speeches, I toured various schools in my city, and there were a LOT since I live in a big city.

My children started public school, and then I took them out and home-schooled.

And then I put them back in.

I think I drove my best friends BONKERS with the repetitive topic. It’s like I was gathering data, and I couldn’t get enough data. I needed more. I couldn’t feel comfortable with ANY decision. Nothing was right.

The search for the perfect decision will drive you crazy faster than trying to go to sleep with 5000 mosquitos in the same tent.

I look back on myself now and have so much compassion for that poor, distressed, anxious mother who was trying to be the BEST MOM EVER.

I wish at the time I had The Work to penetrate my thinking and stop. Just stop and look at my frightened ideas.

They looked like this: my children could be damaged, my children will be bored, they will hate learning, they won’t succeed, they will be sad, I want to be involved, I want to participate in all parts of their cute lives, bad things can happen, schools can hurt children (look at the proof)!

Dang. That was rough.

Fortunately, life circumstances and my own capacity to (barely) let go of my images of the Perfect World for Children made it so schooling became calmer over time, and it was the easiest and best choice. I needed to work.

It was a fabulous several years, home-schooling and being with my kids in many very amazing and fun activities.

Fortunately, my kids appear entirely undamaged and even very unique and interested in learning (they are now 18 and 15). My daughter attends a very alternative, tiny high school that focuses on community. My son attends university, his choice.

They are thoughtful and have their clear opinions. They are great to have discussions with about learning.

But back then I was such a *BASKET CASE*!

So much of my experience was tainted with fear. Fear of the potential abuse. Fear of the potential failure. Fear of not offering my children the most amazing, incredible childhood anyone could possibly ever imagine! OMG!

Kids will bring forward your fears in the most precise, beautiful, clear way. What you wish for them (for yourself, for people in this world) will cut you to the core.

Schools will bring up all the possibilities of pain and images of where BAD things could happen.

Doing the work on school for your kids can be like doing the work on the world, for you.

It could hurt to be here, something bad could happen, failure could occur, people can’t be trusted, wrong turns could be made.

If you get really freaked out for your kids, like I did…doing The Work can be the biggest relief you’ve ever known. You can find relief about just being alive, in this world, yourself.

I discovered that if I stopped worrying about my children, I used think it would mean that I would not be good mother. If I didn’t bend over backwards and do ANYTHING to bring them an awesome life, then I didn’t care enough.

After you do The Work on your worst fears about what could happen to your kids and what you really, really want for them and what you’re anxious about, the most amazing loosening of fear happens. At least it did for me.

“Imagine your child coming up to you and asking, ‘mom would you be okay without me?’ Now you can look into his or her eyes and say,”I love you in my life, and I’d really miss you, and I would be fine.”

“Really mom? What would you do without me?”

“Well, sweetheart, let me see. I wouldn’t have to get up so early in the morning, and I’d have the first shower, and I could go out whenever I liked. And the bottom line is that I love you in my life. Nothing can take you out of my heart, honey, ever.”

There’s no fear there. You’ve learned—and they learn—that love doesn’t mean fear.
~Byron Katie in Loving What Is

Now, I notice when I have little nervy thoughts about my kids. Is she cold? Is he getting enough sleep? Is everyone OK? And I have to laugh.

Even on the tiniest moments, the mind will start to fill in a story when it comes to children. They are 30 minutes late and it means they’re lying in a ditch, dead.

The thing is….I notice I actually don’t think that anymore. Almost never. And the reason, I think, is because I keep finding out that the WORST thing I could imagine, I can actually open to. I can let it cut this frightened me to the core, and love would still prevail.

Love,
Grace

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One of the most profound areas of torture for many people is in the realm of parenting.

One of my favorite graduate school psychology professors said “the key to being successful in parenting is being willing to be hated”. 

This morning a thoughtful and brilliant client came to our session having written down all her judgments about her two daughters hitting each other, ages six and eight. There they were at the kitchen table, and one of them lunges at the other, who then punches the first in the face.

The mother, my client, then screamed.

Sometimes it may feel like the biggest emotional moments are right in the presence of our children. That has been the case for me, just like this dear client.

It’s really quite funny LATER, to look back at the scene. And looking back is a very necessary step, frame by frame, for the inquiry process. Getting curious about what bugged me most of all, why I “lost it” in that moment, why I “couldn’t take it anymore”.

Once when my children were much younger than they are now, early in inquiry, they were bickering in the back seat of the car while I was driving. I could feel the geyser of anger coming from the center of my stomach….oh no, here it is!

What are the painful thoughts in that moment? You don’t even have to be a parent really to identify these kinds of thoughts. Imagine yourself in a situation where children are yelling, fighting, hitting, calling each other names….maybe you’ve even seen that in a movie.

(Yes, I know, adults appear to do these things too).

• They should not yell
• It is too noisy
• They should treat each other with respect
• This noise has to STOP
• There is nothing I can do
• Here is an example of the selfishness of human nature
• I could get hurt if I intervene
• I’m a terrible mother/father!
• I need to know what to do!!!!!

To work with this moment as if it has something incredible to offer, an understanding, rather than just wanting to get away from those loud, mean children, or make them stop, is an entirely different experience of this moment.

“See if you can catch yourself complaining in either speech or thought, about a situation you find yourself in, what other people do or say, your surroundings, your life situation, even the weather. To complain is always nonacceptance of what is. It invariably carries an unconscious negative charge. When you complain, you make yourself a victim. Leave the situation or accept it. All else is madness”. ~Eckhart Tolle 

Instead of feeling like a victim of these people who are fighting in my presence, I write down my beliefs. They are ones that have been passed along from generation to generation before me, what children should or should not do, how they should or should not be, and what it means that these children, who are apparently MINE (question this) are behaving this way.

What is the most frightening thing that could happen if they keep fighting?

My client answered immediately: they will hate each other always, they will refuse to return home for Thanksgiving, I will be a grandma without my daughters here together, they will not support each other when I’m gone.

Can we really know that it’s true that these hitting children are full of rage that will last for years? What if there is nothing to be afraid of? What if I am enough, I can do what needs to be done, even if I’m not sure what it is?

What if they should yell, it is not too noisy, they are naturally respectful, the noise does not have to stop. What if this is an example of the passion and love in human nature, and that I won’t get hurt if I intervene.

“In spite of the seven thousand books of expert advice, the right way to discipline a child is still a mystery to most fathers and… mothers.  Only your grandmother and Ghengis Khan know how to do it”.  ~Billy Cosby

All I can do when I feel upset with children is, go back and look again, after the emotion has passed. What do I believe about this scene, this situation? Inquire and learn. Either we believe our thoughts or we don’t. Believing them keeps the pattern running. Questioning takes the intensity right out of it.

You don’t need to know what to do. Just question your thinking.

With love, Grace

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June 2-3, 2012 in Seattle, Washington