Category: Pain, Sickness and Death

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What Is Greater Than Violence? You May Be Surprised

What Is Greater Than Violence? Being Nothingness, The Greatest of All

Every month the Year of Inquiry group starts in on a new topic.

Yesterday…we began to look at where we create stories, assumptions, warnings, or angry reaction to whole groups of people.

You know, THOSE kinds of people.

We had an awesome collection to kick off our investigation. Inquirers had stressful thoughts about social climbers, fundamentalists, drivers who text, luxury hotel owners, men in power, and violent gamers.

So many images, scenes and frightening groups. For some reason, I always think of Nazi’s or white supremacists as a very frightening group. The people who made Maria and the VonTrapp family walk over the alps on foot and leave everything behind.

Those violent people.

Horrible.

It’s true they should never be like that, it’s true they are frightening, it’s true they are dangerous and creepy.

How do you react when you believe they are so dangerous?

Running. Hiding. Angry. Careful. Anxious. Sleepless.

When they are close, I think about them all the time. When they are far away, I forget, then remember. I try to keep myself safe. I protect this body. I hide.

Even if something happened on TV or in the movies, even if something happened long ago in my own life….I feel anxious in the present moment as I remember the violence. I want to push it away, get it out of my head.

But who would you be without the belief that no one should ever be violent?

It doesn’t mean you suddenly are saying you love violence. No one usually does.

Only without the belief it shouldn’t happen?

I notice without that belief, I can turn a little more towards studying violence. Remembering a traumatic moment. Opening to the memory. Aware that it’s just a picture in my mind, it’s not happening right now.

Nothing is happening right now.

Without the belief that violence should never, ever happen, I can stop calling the energy “violence”. I notice a fountain of fire come forth, and then recede. I watch my own anger roar out, then dissolve away.

I feel compassion suddenly, for those who feel so violent, so trapped and blocked and stuck that they would feel violence is their only way.

Isn’t that how I have also operated in the past? Berating myself, cutting myself down, flogging myself mentally with insults and criticism? Saying mean things internally to the people I love the most, too? Cussing, spitting, pushing people away? Assuming the worst?

“Can I stop raping myself and others with abusive thinking? If not, I’m continuing in myself the very thing that I want to end in you. Sanity doesn’t suffer, ever. Can you eliminate war everywhere on earth? Through inquiry, you can begin to eliminate it for one human being: you.” ~ Byron Katie

Today, after inquiry with the sweet YOI group this morning, I felt a deep compassion to those fighter people with guns, weapons, hatred, anger.

My love went through the atmosphere saying “peace is here, peace is here.”

I could see a ball of light surrounding Hitler, other dictators, terrible war happening right now in the world, violence.

Notice how you feel when you believe in power and love all mixed together….not passivity….not ignorance….

….but real unconditional silent love and how it holds everything.

You feel somehow all is well, no matter what.

Something bigger than “you”.

“Among the great things which are to be found among us, the Being of Nothingness is the greatest.” ~ Leonardo da Vinci

Much love, Grace

 

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Old, Wrinkled, Sagging, Done–Hooray!

Many people have written to me about a Year of Inquiry (YOI) starting next month. One person asked if she could get a taste of what a group telesession was like, before deciding.

This got me thinking…

…next week is the very last week of Summer Camp for The Mind, where we’ve had 90 minute calls questioning our thoughts all summer.

If you’d really like to get a sense of how a telesession feels, our last three calls are Monday 4 pm 8/25, Tuesday 8 am 8/26, and Thursday 9:30 am 8/28. All Pacific Time.

Write me a personal email at grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d really like to join one of those sessions, and especially if you’re thinking about YOI. My gift to you.

****

Meanwhile, back on the ranch.

The ranch, in this case, being the body. Because that’s where the mind goes today.

The body, and the troubles with the body. Having to “deal” with the body.

Have you ever had a problem with the body?

First of all. About a week ago, someone offered me an espresso.

Well, maybe just this once. Yummy.

Five days later and at least four more espressos later, my hands are peeling, my face is dry, and I have a sick feeling in my stomach. Rats. Oh well.

Done with that….again. Now the skin has to heal up.

And speaking of skin.

I wanted to make a video. It was part of a very short, small project. It only had to be about a minute. I whipped out my cell phone…pretending I’m like all those smooth youtubers my kid watches…

…and when I watched the video…

…OMG. Seriously? I have that many wrinkles? I look like a dork, too, with my hair sticking up. Like I just got back from the gym.

Then there’s the surges of heat, where I feel suddenly completely warm, and sometimes slightly weird in my stomach. Kind of fascinating, but not exactly the best thing that ever happened in my life.

It’s called menopause.

My right second toe has some kind of knotted, weird, frozen joint thing going on. And let’s not mention that right torn and repaired hamstring from last year that still feels tight, numb and painful. Plus my right thumb kind of aching and not able to grab stuff tightly. (What’s with the right side? jeez)!

It’s a mess of imperfections and problems.

You may have your list, too.

That injury, the accident, the doctor’s visit, that thing that’s been hurting for a decade, the chronic ache that started when you were a teenager, the face, gray hair, sagging skin, the diagnosis.

It’s limited. There’s only so much time. This body will end.

What if you have stress, despair, fear, anger or concern about this state? That everything can only last awhile, and becomes more worn, used, old, or decaying over time?

Because everything does. Even a flower. Even a rock. Even a body.

Not long ago I did The Work with a woman who had been a big athlete in her life. Now, she had breast cancer. She was losing her hair with treatment. She felt ugly and like everyone could see, and everyone would know she was the diseased one.

They won’t like me, they’ll judge me, they’ll discard or move away from me, this shouldn’t be happening, I hate this disease.

Yesterday, I thought about her again. I could relate.

I hate this.

You can pick anything in the body. Small or large, light or traumatic.

I hate that this kind of thing happens, that things break down, that there is aging, change, sickness….I really do hate this.

Is it true?

Yes. It’s soooooooooo saaaaaaaad. Or frustrating.

Are you sure?

Yes. I got reading glasses some time ago and I think I have to go up to the next level. This is all the beginning of the end.

Death is approaching…even if it’s still 40 years away. My time is limited. I might have to cut my hair at some point, because who cares.

How do you react when you believe it’s sad that the body is limited, that it’s changing, or that its better to look young than old, or that sickness is horrible?

I don’t want to send the video with all those facial wrinkles. I don’t want to participate. I just want to read, learn, withdraw. I don’t want to hear anyone talk about me (it wouldn’t be good). I want to pretend I don’t have a body.

So who would you be without believing any of this? Without thinking this sucks, or that what’s going on is devastating? Without the thought that this is NOT LIKABLE?

Huh.

That’s weird.

This could be likable?

I love this. It shouldn’t be different. 

Strange.

“Why do you need to be straight in your posture? Is it true that you feel more open when you’re standing up? There’s no such thing as old age. There’s only an appearance. You look in the mirror, you tell the story of what you see, and you shut yourself down. What you see in the mirror is God. You tell the story of how its not, and how its wrong….And you don’t have to wait for old age, you’re living it now.” ~ Byron Katie

When I believe that I shouldn’t get sick, or old, or die…I’m against all signs that this could be happening, and stressed about those signs, and rejecting those signs.

But I can investigate right here, right now. Until it’s OK to have all these supposed ailments.

Suddenly, happiness. Smiling. I can feel so strongly what is not concerned at all, how very, very well everything is. Watching from out of these eyes, from what looks through them with absolute humming.

It’s truly awesome.

My thoughts were old, frail, aging, decaying, worn out, sick, limited, breaking down, falling apart, fuzzy, wrinkled, sagging.

Oh…that’s a good thing. I love that my thoughts and stories and nightmares and visions about bodies are breaking into a thousand pieces, dissolving and vanishing and becoming nothing.

Yippee!

“Nature is not a masochist. It’s loving.” ~ Byron Katie

“Refuse to think of yourself in terms of this or that. There is no other way out of misery, which you have created for yourself through blind acceptance without investigation. Suffering is a call for enquiry, all pain needs investigation. Don’t be too lazy to think.” ~ Nisargadatta

The adventure continues.

Much love, Grace

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Not For Everyone, But Maybe For You: A Private, Special Retreat

I am thrilled and jumping up and down (on the inside)!

Because a dream I’ve had that others have suggested to me before, something I couldn’t imagine only a few years ago, is now coming into reality this fall.

For five+ years now, I’ve been working with people who hate their bodies, people who struggle with eating, people upset by aging, their flaws, their appearance, a difficult spouse, trying times with kids, and those frightened about money and lack of support.

As one of my favorite authors and teachers, Geneen Roth, summarizes it….

….it’s the suffering of Not Enough.

Every single workshop or class offering inquiry to those struggling with food and eating, pain or illness has offered profound teaching for me personally.

I’ve been learning how I can transmit the information I have of freedom from the prison of worrying about food, trusting my appetites, accepting this body and its flaws, allowing money to come and go freely, letting go of anxiety, feeling grateful and feeling deeply beautiful….

….to you.

I’ve loved my own journey every step of the way (well, ok, I didn’t exactly LOVE it every step of the way) and living this ever-expanding life with you means the world to me.

You may know where I came from, but if you don’t, it’s kind of embarrassing and ugly.

At least that’s how I used to feel.

I was anxious about overeating, upset when too hungry, and never, ever satisfied with the way my body looked. I went on huge binges, stuffing my face with everything in sight. I pushed myself hard with exercise.

I lost almost all my assets and money, and never had a satisfying career. My relationships were somewhat rocky, I got divorced. I yelled at my kids.

I felt flawed.

The stressful beliefs began when I was a kid, and surfaced more deeply when I was in high school. Then they got more sophisticated and I became a nutrition expert (without a degree), and bulimic, and life felt frighteningly unpredictable.

Ugh.

What I really, really wanted was total freedom from thinking about my life in such a painful way.

It’s agonizing to imagine that something is wrong with you, with your body, your mind, your feelings, and that you’re a failure when it comes to being here on planet earth.

Then, on top of feeling unacceptable, I would criticize myself for being self-critical.

I should know better! I should be nicer to myself! I’m acting like a teenager! I need to get a grip!

You can’t win, with this kind of loop-dee-loop thinking. It’s like bouncing back and forth between a rock and a hard place, like a ping pong ball on steroids, never getting any relief.

I sought many modalities of healing and all of them were excellent.

Individual therapy, group therapy, The Course in Miracles, meditation, The Work of Byron Katie, retreats, counseling, training, spiritual teachings, twelve steps.

And now I’m ready to combine them into core teachings for healing the mind’s attack on the body, on other people, on food, on money, on life, and end that war.

I find there are six areas of stressful beliefs, some that begin when you’re only a child, that contribute deeply to Not Enough-ness.

You can question them all, and shift.

They are responsible for immense suffering.

These areas are:

  • If I don’t look acceptable, people won’t like me. If people don’t like me, I’ll suffer. Therefore, find out what acceptable is, and look like that.
  • My feelings are not to be trusted, or shown to others. They upset people.
  • I am not safe in many situations. The world (full of people) is a chaotic, disturbing or terrifying place.
  • My thinking is not my friend.
  • There are many activities that can change my feelings about situations that are troubling…like eating, smoking, drinking wine, cleaning, getting a crush on someone. But they all hurt in the end.
  • I am my body, my body defines who I am.
Boy howdy, when your feelings are not trustworthy, and your thinking is not trustworthy, and the world is not trustworthy….then you are up sh*t creek, philosophically speaking.
But there is a way out, entirely, from that madness.
You can question what you learned was true, from your earliest memories all the way to now.

You can alter your beliefs, your mind, your feelings….by changing what creates discomfort for you in your own belief system.

In other words, if you don’t like the way a thought makes you feel, you can question it and find out if it’s really, really true.

When I was in my twenties, I felt desperate to find answers. I had some fantastic guidance, but I wish I had found a clear resource to look at my inner thoughts and what I was making things mean in my life.

Now, I don’t even have to “work” at it.

Don’t get me wrong, my mind still has troubling thoughts. Just the other day I saw my 53 year old wrinkles around my eyes and let out a sigh.

But then I chuckled.

And if I don’t, I’ve got The Work.

Who would you be without the belief that you are Not Enough, that people won’t like you, that you need to be liked, that there is Not Enough money, Not Enough attention, that you must protect yourself from a hard world?

Kind of amazing to consider, right?

Which brings me to why I’m so excited….

I’m offering a very deep focused immersion into self-inquiry, spiritual inquiry, The Work and experiential exercises I’ve found to be amazing to address the sense of feeling lack, disappointment, anger, fear, discouragement…..

…..to a very small group of eight people.

The Serene, Powerful, Loved, Ecstatic, Enough Retreat.

If you enroll in this unique once-in-a-lifetime retreat, offered November 10-13, 2014, you will look at the nooks and crannies where you have believed in Not Enoughness.

You will look at who you really are, what is genuinely true, and what’s gotten in the way of your freedom.

You will have access to the nurturing, care, enough-ness, beauty and wisdom that lives inside of you, that’s been here all along even through your self-defeating behaviors.

You can put down trying to solve the problem of life, money, kids, spouses, food and weight, and build your contact with unconditional love.

We’ll question painful messages of fear and hurt, of thinking there is something wrong with you.

You’ll open to truly imagining there isn’t.

I would love to support you to put down the battle, the project of self-improvement forever….and I know you can’t stop your thoughts, and you can’t control them.

(Control never works in the end).

But you can turn your attention to other truths, you can stop proving that your stressful thoughts are true, and prove the peaceful ones instead.

This is not your average, in-house retreat where I have people come to my cottage for a day or two. This particular format will appeal and be possible for only a very few.

We will be in luxuriously cared for, with special guest appearances via skype or in-person by teachers who are experts in spiritual inquiry (and maybe you’ve heard of them).

I’ve asked several important guides, and it is yet unknown who will be able to connect with us for sure. It will be a surprise!

You will be able to ask personal questions and have direct contact with them.

This experience will be different than large meditation and educational retreats attended by hundreds. You will not contend with crowds.

And I’ll offer you my own experience and strength, and my compassionate facilitation.

“The Way of Liberation is a call to action; it is something you do. It is a doing that will undo you absolutely. If you do not do the teaching, if you do not study and apply it fearlessly, it cannot effect any transformation. The Way of Liberation is not a belief system; it is something to be put into practice.” ~ Adyashanti

You can turn all of your beliefs around, and live a life of completely, utterly, unconditionally enough at every turn, around every corner, deep inside of you.

You can start practicing it now, by turning the troubling beliefs to the opposite:

  • I can look the way I look, people love me. If people don’t like me, I’ll won’t suffer. Being myself is acceptable.
  • My feelings are to be acknowledged, honored, and shown to others. They don’t upset people. Or me.
  • I am safe in every situation. The world (full of people) is a mysterious, magical, curious and loving place.
  • Thinking is my friend.
  • There are no activities that can change my feelings about situations that are troubling…except self-inquiry, self-love, allowing everything and everyone to be as they are.
  • I am not my body, my body cannot define who I am. My body is inside of me, as is everything else.
At the Serene, Powerful, Loved, Ecstatic, Enough Retreat

you will stay in five-star award-winning accommodation Willows Lodge in Woodinville, Washington. Our group will be fully catered for every meal. We will work with the abundance of beauty and food as part of our inquiry practice, and what is enough.

For many others who will not be able to do this due to cost…. ….have no fear, I’ll be presenting my teleclasses this summer starting soon in July, and YOI (Year of Inquiry) in September…and I am working on pre-recorded classes you can take on your own.

(Eating Peace will be the first class people can take online on their own, stay tuned).

“We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.” ~ Marianne Williamson

Letting yourself experience this four-day retreat of deep self-inquiry, The Work, presence, now….you may discover a new light within that is both serene and ecstatic, when you know how loved you are that no situation, person, place or thing can change this.

And who knows what can happen from there.

The Serene, Powerful, Loved, Ecstatic, Enough Retreat is by application only.

If you are interested, please click this link. I will respond to all applications on a first-come, first-serve basis. Please apply by July 4th, independence day in the US. Your payment will be due upon your acceptance into the program and confirms your participation.

Thank you universe for this incredible opportunity to be a guide along your journey.

Wherever you are, and whoever you are, you are love.

“Love is action.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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Stop Your Nightmare With Understanding

A long time ago a beautiful inquirer began to work with me after she had been diagnosed with a rare form of cancer.

At that time, she was one of the first people I worked with on painful thoughts born out of her experience.

I had cancer before myself. Also a rare type, mine was a sarcoma of the interstitial skin on my thigh…with a really weird medical name that I’ve never been able to pronounce.

I remember that moment when I had the most fear.

In the doctor’s office, having the stitches removed, when the doctor said “I’ll just take these stitches out from the biopsy and then you can get dressed and then we’ll talk about the results.”

She’s waiting to talk to me about the results she received from my biopsy?

Adrenaline rush.

The core belief “I’m going to die” and that is really frightening.

Later, when I began to work with people who had cancer, or had previously had it, I thought they’d immediately want to talk about the fear of death, the terror of losing health, deteriorating, feeling physical pain.

But almost everyone who has ever come to talk with me after having cancer (even if they currently have it) has had the very same thoughts that all of us have when we’re healthy.

  • What will people think?
  • Will the people I encounter on this journey be kind?
  • Will my kids, employees, neighbors, friends, partner be OK with this?
  • Did I do something wrong?
  • What will it be like when I die?

The mind seems to be concerned with these questions, and concerned with forgetting about them too. Since there aren’t any clear, known answers….the problem-solving mind really doesn’t like that very much.

But when a diagnosis enters your life, you don’t forget quite as easily. It’s in your face, it has more import somehow.

You look.

It’s an incredible opportunity. You can do this inquiry today no matter what kind of health condition you’re in…since we’re all eventually dying.

So….is it true that people may think poorly of you, or avoid you in life? Is it true that you need people to be kind? Do you have to worry about the people close to you if you leave?

Is it possible you did something wrong? Do you need to know what it will be like when you die?

Apparently not.

If you answered yes to anything, notice this one, and ask yourself if it is absolutely true.

My client long ago had the thought that other people judge her poorly, maybe avoid her, say fake nice things to her. She felt very alone. So painful!

How do you react when you believe the thought that people may think thoughts about you that are frightening or unfavorable? What happens when you worry about those you love and what will happen to them if you go away, or have a problem?

And that gripping thought that you must have done something wrong, yikes!

Who would you be without these thoughts?

Sit very still and feel that question. You can still hear the chatter, but imagine who you’d be without believing it.

Without any thoughts about what will happen in the future, even in two hours, or what other people are thinking that’s mean or frightening…

…you may feel a rest and relaxation that is unlike anything you’ve ever known.

You may notice that for this instant, you are OK. You can handle what’s happening, and something else is ultimately handling it and it’s not really up to you.

“Understand your nightmare for what it is, and it will stop; then you will wake up to reality. Understand your false beliefs and they will drop; then you will know the taste of happiness.” ~ Anthony De Mello

Turning the thoughts around:

  • Whatever people think is absolutely fine
  • Every person I encounter will contribute to my enlightenment
  • My kids, friends, employees, neighbors and partner will be completely OK
  • Did I do something right?
  • What is it like as I live?

What if these were exciting, and just as true, or truer?

“God, as I use the word, is another name for what is. I always know God’s intention: It’s exactly what is in every moment.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’re struggling with inquiry in your life and allowing what is, and would like guidance in doing it…

…I am here for you.

I love facilitating people through their situations, their painful beliefs.

Every person who arrives to do inquiry is a gift on my own path.

This summer, I’m giving ample opportunity to people who would love regular call-in times, open 90 minute sessions for inquiry, at pre-set hours all summer.

I’m calling it Summer Camp because it’s a time to rest in inquiry, relax, let the process unfold as a dance for you, answering the questions, following the un-doing.

I never took the time to really inquire into my own thoughts about life and death until I began to lose things I believed were really scary to lose.

You can start inquiring when things are terrifying, or long before, it doesn’t matter.

Someone just wrote to ask if Summer Camp will be crowded.

It is limited to 20 people per live session, so the answer is “no”. You will get facilitated time, focused attention, and find awesome partners to trade facilitation sessions.

Join fellow inquirers on a journey inward and you may find yourself becoming lighter, lighter, and lighter.

Even about things like cancer or dying.

Much love, Grace

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Is Saying Goodbye Hard?

Yesterday was the very last session of the first Year of Inquiry group that’s been meeting since June last year.

Wow, what a spectacular experience.

During our last month together, the topic has been Death, Endings, Parting Ways, Goodbyes.

Today we looked at the belief “goodbyes are hard”. 

 Such a simple thought, and so full of sadness, drama, memories, anticipation.

Questioning the thought doesn’t mean you arrive and land on a new belief that goodbyes are easy….maybe they are hard and that’s actually completely OK with you, with life, with reality.

But it’s very powerful to look at why you think they are hard, and who is this “you” who believes so resolutely that goodbyes (especially in death) are dreadful.

One wonderful inquirer had a situation where he was alone in the house, concerned that his wife may not return. Another inquirer considered the loss of her ego, her own identity. Someone else had already experienced a shocking sudden death of her partner in the past.

What if there MIGHT be a goodbye? What if something terrible happens?

Let’s look.

Goodbyes are hard…..is that true?

Yes. I’d do anything to talk with my dad again. Accidents, illness, death, break-ups, loss, time passing, friendships ending, people moving away.

Sad! Horrible! Painful! Confusing! WHY?!

But can you absolutely KNOW that it’s true that Goodbyes are hard?

No. Not in every part of me. My mind may think so, but I also notice that I don’t think about my father 24/7. At all. Thoughts appear, then they dissolve.

I don’t really know if they are “hard” at all. Grief pours out, then it passes.

How do you react when you believe that Goodbyes are hard?

People have many reactions: avoid connecting too deeply, stay connected even though its time to move on, fail to notice that all is very well even when someone leaves, pine, cry, feel hopeless.

Now….who would you be without that belief that Goodbyes are hard?

What if Goodbyes are easy? What if Goodbyes are soft?

Bizarre, right?

But I notice that it’s profound to not believe, right here in this moment, that endings are terrible. Shakespeare said “parting is such sweet sorrow.”

In my life, it is beautiful to let go of all the control, allow reality to include both goodbyes and hellos. (All the inquirers had a chuckle thinking about the turnaround “Hello’s are hard”….good to see why and explore THAT one a bit!)

Because I notice I have zero control over all this coming and going anyway. Trusting it might be a good idea.

“If I were to tell the story of reality, it would have to be a love story. The story would be told as life lives itself out, always kinder and kinder, with twists and turns that cannot be projected into the distance. For example, if my daughter dies, I realize that there is no self to be affected. It’s not about me. This is about her life, my child’s life, and I celebrate her freedom, because I know the freedom of unidentified mind–the unceasing body-less mind that is finally awake to itself, the mind that never existed as a her, and the her that can never die.” ~ Byron Katie 

In the end on our touching, deep and astounding call yesterday, I felt such gratitude for the hellos and goodbyes I’ve encountered with every single YOI member, and every human I’ve ever met.

And how astonishing to consider and sit in awe of these turnarounds: I am willing to say goodbye, I am willing to have the thought that goodbyes are hard, to feel separated, to part ways, to die, to have others die who I love.

I look forward to all the ways in my life to come when I will say goodbye, I look forward to when I will have the thought that it’s hard, when I may feel separated, when I part ways, to die, to have others die who I love.

The weight that is lifted in being open to all change, five minutes from now, five years from now, fifteen years from now, fifty years from now….is a weight worth putting down.

If you’d like to join the next Year of Inquiry and really begin a regular practice with a guaranteed fabulous group, we’ll begin again in September 2014. Registration is not open yet for YOI, but you can write to me if you’re interested as it is by application only by hitting reply.

“Seeing into darkness is clarity. Knowing how to yield is strength. Use your own light and return to the source of light. This is called practicing eternity.” ~ Tao Te Ching #52

Much love, Grace

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Hurting And Not Hurting Flow Together

Yesterday I had to lie flat on my bed all afternoon, taking ibuprofen (anti-inflammatory pain pills).

Remember the right hamstring story from six months ago?

Well, even if you don’t….this lower right back hamstring nerve area was hurting, the place I tore last year followed by surgery. I tweaked it dancing recently. Again.

Rats. There is nothing good about this! Fist shaking at the sky!

This is definitely a problem!!

Doing The Work on physical ailments can be really amazing. Let’s go for it!

Is it true that this is bad, I hate the pain, nothing good can come of it? Is it true that it hurts?

Yes. I can still feel it now, what are you talking about…is it true.Jeez.

But can you absolutely know that this is a bad situation, a situation to hate, a problem, a difficulty…that this really does hurt?

No.

I worked with clients, answered emails, even had an awesome session with a beautiful inquirer who always devotes two hours to her work, and my back and hamstring never crossed my mind during any of these activities or interactions.

How do I react when I don’t like the physical sensation I feel?

I clutch against it. I think about the future and how it will get worse. I think things like “I have to stop dancing, I can’t bike, I can’t run, I’m aging, this is getting worse, there is no way for this to go but downhill, I’ll be dealing with this forever until I’m dead.”

I get pictures of my mom and her own back issues and want to interview her about exactly every minutia of experience she’s had, what she did, how I can short cut the process to No Pain.

I react also by ignoring the pain. Pain, what pain? Who cares?

So who would you be without the thought that this is wrong, difficult, bad, that I’m against this sensation? Without the thought that I hurt?

“You put someone that understands the mind in a cell and lock the door and tell them that they’re never going to be released and that’s it for life……and if they love everything they think, then they really are experiencing gratitude. If they don’t love what they think, it’s a torture chamber.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the thought, I notice a very strong sensation, tingling, I want to either lie still or shift around. I notice I forget about it as the mind becomes interested in other things, the room gets fuller, then the attention towards this area becomes more acute again.

I feel pressure, like a rock with sharp edges, stuck in my lower right back. I think of calling the doctor, or calling the physical therapist….maybe I do.

Without the thought that this is a grave, serious, terrible, difficult or annoying situation (this could apply to any situation, right?) then I am simply here, living this experience.

“It’s amazing to see what we end up doing with our Will. We actually assert our will in opposition to the flow of life. If something happens that we don’t like, we resist it. But since what we’re resisting has already taken place, what good is it to resist?…It does not do anything to the reality of that situation.” ~ Michael Singer

Turning the thought around: this is a wonderful situation, it doesn’t hurt. 

This is not denial, it’s actually playing with the awareness of all things, all sides….entering non-duality.

Yesterday, I lay in bed and did The Work with others for 7 hours. I had breaks, I wrote, I got up and ate a delicious orange and leftover pizza. I talked with my funny and beautiful daughter.

How spectacular to notice that even though it hurts, it also doesn’t hurt.

Much love, Grace

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Death Has A Terrible Reputation

Last Tuesday in Year of Inquiry (YOI) we began our final twelfth month. Almost an entire year together investigating commonly painful topics.

We saved the best for last.

The investigation of our thoughts about something being OVER.

Death. Exits. Done. Asta la vista!

Although it sounds like I’m kidding around a little….the ideas, beliefs and orientation we have to endings, death, getting fired, break-ups are some of the most incredible concepts to examine and feel, ever.

When something is over whether it was fun, lousy, or complicated, there are all kinds of mixed feelings. Sometimes enormous suffering and pain come alive, almost unbearable.

It will never be like it was again. I can’t handle this. I need closure. I don’t want this to happen. 

But can you know that it’s true that it SHOULD be like it was and stay that way? Are you absolutely sure it was better before it was over, or that nothing good came after?

Are you positive you didn’t handle it well? 

My three sisters, my mother, my father’s close friend, and all my sister’s partners and my former husband are all gathered in a circle surrounding the deathbed of my father.

Outside the rain patters on the beautiful rectangle panes of 1920s window glass. It’s pitch dark as midnight, but only early evening. November in Seattle.

Ten people all alive and physically well. Ten kind souls, some of whom with potentially very long lives still to come, many of us in our 20s.

My mom was only about the age I am right now.

We are all touching my father’s body, still surprisingly solid looking, although his beard is sparse from chemotherapy.

He just took his last breath a while ago. I am holding his left hand. I felt it grow cooler and cooler. There is a deep, yet incredibly sacred silence pervading everything.

Then tears come through the body like a huge crashing wave.

We’re all riding it, engulfed in it. It feels like there is nothing but this very alive grief, shaking everything.

For the previous two months, I had been living with what feels like anxiety, visiting the hospital every day. Still in my first job after college, I dutifully came to work at the appointed hour, and one morning my boss said “Come and go as you need to. I’d be a basket case if I were in your shoes.”

I left immediately and went back to the hospital. My sisters and I rotated in and out of my father’s room for two months. Before he went home to die.

As I look back now, I realize I did not have to do anything to handle that situation.

Understanding my dad’s death is still underway, even over two decades later. I do not need closure.

When I believe that before the death/change was better, I feel sad, even bitter. When I believe I don’t want that to ever happen again, I feel terrified.

Who would you be without the thought that you don’t want it to go the way its going? Or the way it went? Or that it is all-horrible that this life is so temporary and things come and go?

Without the belief that it’s over?

“When you rest deeply in the Unknown without trying to escape, your experience becomes very vast. As the experience of the Unknown deepens, your boundaries begin to dissolve. You realize, not just intellectually but on a deep level, that you have no idea who or what you are.” ~ Adyashanti

Turning the thoughts around…..strange these ones are: It will never be like it was again, oh hooray! Everyone, including me, is handling this. I need it to remain unfinished, open. I want this to happen.

That last one, not so sure when it comes to to my father.

But this is just a simple exercise in inquiry.

“Is it true? Expect nothing. See these four questions as a gateway, a door into yourself. And continue. Move into that third question, and the fourth question. Turn it around. Expecting nothing other than the experience of what arises….Death has a terrible reputation, just like life. We think ‘when I die I don’t know what’s going to happen’. Well, in life, we think the same thoughts. Everything we believe about life, we project into death. If you loved every thought you think, welcome life, welcome death.” ~ Byron Katie

If my dad has gone on to have a compelling, fascinating, magical adventure (how could it be otherwise) then why would I ever want anything else for him?

I don’t.  

Much love, Grace

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No One Knows What Death Is–So Question Your Thoughts About It

Recently a sincere inquirer contacted me to do some work on her sadness and depression about death.

Powerful topic, to say the least.

“I’m not afraid of death….I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” ~ Woody Allen

The funny thing about death is that it appears to be something that occurs to every living entity. An end of sorts, with no turning back. And from a very early age, this mystery is often spoken and taught about as…… terrible.

Horrible images of absence, violence, blood, gore, hell, a dark abyss, vacant silence and fear arise in stories we hear, in conversation around us. When we’re kids, we see the grownups around us cry or mourn, sometimes desperately, for someone gone.

We think….”Oh, death must be the worst thing that could ever happen!”

But who would you be without that belief? 

It’s strange to imagine. However, notice the argument with reality to believe death is bad, wrong, incorrect. An argument with something greater than yourself.

An argument that says “this should not be that way, we should live forever, we shouldn’t die, whoever set this up (God) must be a masochist or a sadist, I can’t stand it, it hurts too much…”

“Argue with reality and you lose, but only 100% of the time.” ~ Byron Katie 

Turning around your thoughts, ideas, beliefs and turmoil about death, what if you considered these opposites?

LIFE is terrible….is it possible I’m upset with my life? What if Death is as good as life (which is really wonderful)? What if Death is a birth, a beginning, a transition, a metamorphosis?

What if I can stand it, it doesn’t hurt too much, we should die? Perhaps my thinking is the masochist or sadist, no one should live forever….or maybe we do.

Could it be that when I imagine death to be so frightening and threatening and awful….that I’m really imagining things, with this brilliant and creative mind?

“Death is not extinguishing the light; it is only putting out the lamp because the dawn has come.” ~ Rabindranath Tagore 

I may even consider death to be appealing because my life is not so pleasant.

But can you know death is any better than life?

What if you even just considered the possibility that it’s all equal, no state better or worse than the other?

What if you simply do not know, can’t really know (with your thinking at least), and gave yourself a break trying to know?

I find this…….very exciting.

“The Unknown is more vast, more open, more peaceful, and more freeing than you ever imagined it would be. If you don’t experience it that way, it means you’re not resting there; you’re still trying to know. That will cause you to suffer because you’re choosing security over Freedom.” ~ Adyashanti 

I know the pain of losing someone, losing an adorable furry friend, saying goodbye to a home, a way of life, a town, a country, a special precious item…..is, well, pain.

Dreadful pain.

You are not wrong to feel the separation, the deep cut of grief.

But who, or what, would you be without your beliefs about death?

No one knows what death is. Maybe it’s not a something; maybe it’s not even a nothing. It’s the pure unknown, and I love that. We imagine death is a state of being or a state of nothingness, and we frighten ourselves with our own concepts.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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Not Wanting Death is A Recipe For Unhappiness

Deep in the middle of a dark, rainy day last winter, I noticed one of my neighbors limping.

We had many talks over the fence during summer lawn-mowing days. We took in each other’s mail if we were ever on vacation. I borrowed their ladder.

I had the thought at the time to joke with him because I myself was on crutches, not able to sit, and mostly lying in bed, healing.

I’ll talk with him once I’m back on my feet, I thought. 

He and his partner left their usual holiday goodies tin at our door. They made them together for everyone in the neighborhood every year. I had heard them knock, but couldn’t get up to answer. 

Then it just seemed quieter over there. Much quieter. I never saw my neighbor with the limp. I had the thought that he was gone.

Yesterday, I finally went over to their house to check in, say hello. No answer, so I left a card in their mailbox. 

It turned out, he recently died. 

His limp was cancer riddling his leg and then his whole body. 

I talked for a long time with his life partner, more than we ever have in 8 years of being neighbors. I heard about both their families, the story of the disease, the funeral. 

I can hear the mind get fired up, begin to make comments here and there in the background. 

I should have gone over there sooner. I could have had them come by for tea during the holidays. We never shared a meal. There’s nothing I can do now. I missed my chance. He’s gone. He was younger than me. Everything’s temporary.

I know its not true. But a melancholy sense of the briefness of life. 

How do I react when I believe he died and I’ll never get the chance to deepen the relationship, see him, do happy neighborly things, share more?

Sad, concerned, aware of how brief This all seems sometimes. Then I also have a voice that thinks it doesn’t matter, we weren’t very close. People die every day. 

The reactive mind sorts, categorizes, evaluates, chatters. Trying to reduce pain, manage information, protect, alert. 

So who would I be without the belief that I missed my chance to connect? Without the thought that it went less than the way it could have gone, that I should have gone over there sooner?

Here in the present, simply taking in this information. 

“Do you ever look in the mirror and wonder where the ‘younger you’ went? That is the unchanging sense of being noticing the changing world. Change can only be noticed against a background of stillness. There can be stillness without change, but there cannot be change without stillness.” ~ Fred Davis

Turning the thoughts around that my neighbor died, that it was a surprise, that it’s troubling to be unaware of when the ‘end’ will come, that I missed a chance for greater connection….

….an sense of the unknown fills the room, an alive pulsing mystery.

The wind blows a wind chime, the heater kicks on and hums, the lights glow. I look around and there are pictures, colors, shapes absolutely everywhere.

There is memory of my dear neighbors, one now without a body, one still in a body, also here in this present moment.

I shouldn’t have done anything sooner. It was perfect not to have them over for tea. We shared all that was needed to share. There’s anything and everything I can do now. I gained my chance for connection. He’s here. He was younger than me, how wonderful. 

Everything’s temporary.

Now, today, in this moment I notice the change in everything, every moment. The movement of all things. Energy and stillness. 

Today, I am here, tomorrow perhaps not. Halleluia.

“No argument in the world can make the slightest dent in what has already happened. Prayer can’t change it, begging and pleading can’t change it, punishing yourself can’t change it, your will has no power at all………nothing less than an open mind is creative enough to free you from the pain of arguing with what is. An open mind is the only way to peace. As long as you think that you know what should and shouldn’t happen, you’re trying to manipulate God. This is a recipe for unhappiness.” ~ Byron Katie

Today, I love being reminded through my dear neighbor’s passing, of even being willing to consider what is wonderful about everything being temporary, including my life.

What is wonderful about death for you, today? 

Much love, Grace

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Bring On The Bad Stuff

Recently with the Year of Inquiry group we gathered to do some looking at “underlying beliefs” in a conference call.

The definition of Underlying Beliefs is pretty much how it sounds….Beliefs that Lay Underneath. But its worthy of looking a bit to understand what is meant, what’s at play.

“Underlying” in the dictionary means to form a basis or foundation of something. 

A “belief” is defined as an acceptance that something exists or is true. But I once heard a lecture where the speaker said the way she defined a “belief” is a thought that you think over and over again. 

Even if you’re not positive it is 100% true. 

So Underlying Beliefs would be the foundation or basis of other beliefs, and full of core thoughts that you may be thinking over and over again.

Now….the crazy thing is that anyone who spends any time taking a look at their own underlying assumptions or beliefs….starts seeing holes in them. 

Byron Katie speaks of questioning the thoughts that are stressful. Don’t worry about the thoughts that produce happiness, kindness, love, peace, or joy. 

While there are quite a few wonderful exercises to help you identify clearly what your own stressful Underlying Beliefs are….one of my favorites is this simple exercise. This is the one the YOI group (Year of Inquiry) all did together the other day. 

Think of a stressful situation, an exchange you had with someone, an uncomfortable moment in time. See what you don’t like the most. What the person is saying, or doing? What’s going on in the environment? Are you losing something? Are you afraid of losing something?

Now….write down one thought you have about that situation, that you feel is upsetting.

She shouldn’t have said that. I need more money. He’s a liar. She hurt me. I’m too fat. 

As you look at that one concept that you are thinking about, regarding that situation….take a look at what Underlying Beliefs might have to be in place in order to believe this thought.

If someone had this thought, what beliefs would they have to have in place, some assumptions at a very deep level….maybe something that has been repeated for many years, in order to believe this thought?

You can do this without blaming yourself, tearing yourself to shreds, or feeling guilty. This is not about finding your faults, it’s only about research.

My thought: she shouldn’t have said that.

What would I have to believe, in order to be upset by what she said? What does it mean about me? Or about her? Or about life in general?

  • There are dangerous people (and she’s one of them)
  • I need to be careful in this world
  • bad things happen (banishment, betrayal, death, destruction)
  • I could lose friendship, love, approval, appreciation at a moments notice
  • people are unpredictable, they can hurt me

Once you have a concept or thought that appears to be true, or that you’re worried is true (even only sometimes) you can explore more assumptions that you may notice have been in place, maybe since you were a kid.

While they may be frightening, and bring up uncertainty, how amazing to then take these kinds of ancient thoughts, perhaps passed along for generations, to inquiry.For example….Bad Things Happen.

Even just saying it, you may notice images flash through your mind that appear to make this idea true. The mind will say “of course it’s true! Yikes!”

But is it? For real?

Like absolutely without any doubt?

Wait a moment.

Even if you say “yes” do some wondering about it, see if there’s any inkling of uncertainty….

…Because for me, I’ve seen amazing things come from what appears to be tragedy. I also have no idea if death is bad, or relationships that die are bad, or that change is bad, or that struggle is bad, or that destruction is bad.

In fact, some of the most incredible experiences and insights in my life have come from “bad” things happening.“There is no explanation you can give that would explain away all the sufferings and evil and torture and destruction and hunger in the world! You’ll never explain it. You can try gamely with your formulas, religious and otherwise, but you’ll never explain it. Because life is a mystery, which means your thinking mind cannot make sense out of it. For that you’ve got to wake up and then you’ll suddenly realize that reality is not problematic, you are the problem.” ~ Anthony De Mello 

How do I react when I believe that bad things happen? Anxious, protective mode, setting up boundaries, defending myself, eating lots of broccoli, hyper vigilant.

But who would I be without the thought that bad things happen? Even those bad things, yes. This is not denying that there isn’t some huge, gigantic, emotional shift, or that people aren’t completely bonkers sometimes (including moi) or that loss isn’t experienced……..this is not D.E.N.I.A.L. as Debbie Ford used to say “Don’t Even Notice I Am Lying” and thinking everything is roses and unicorns.

In fact, it’s the opposite of lying. It’s seeing and feeling the terror of annihilation, emptiness, loss, endings, apocalypse.

And then imagining who you would be, or what you would be, without the underlying belief that these are bad.

On my kitchen wall, every year my calendar choice has something to do with comics, superheroes, the incredible drawings of many artists. This year because of the LEG SITUATION (had to remind you, since we’re talking about bad things) all the exquisite comic calendars were sold out by the time I got to my favorite store.

I had to get a zombie survival guide calendar instead.

The more I’ve questioned my thinking, the funnier things are that involve total destruction.

Could it be that the rough stuff is not entirely evil, wrong and bad?

Well, so far, I’ve found something encouraging, fascinating, wonderful, curious, insightful, enlightening to come out of every “bad” thing that’s ever happened.

  • after divorce….movement towards viable, amazing career
  • after cancer….inquiry and awareness of love, kindness, do-it-now attitude, surrender, sweet preparation for eventual death
  • after death of friend, father….that person’s qualities in my heart and soul, inside me forever
  • after leg got injured….stunned to realize I don’t need a working body to experience joy….and slowing down
  • after misunderstanding with really close friend….career becoming more successful than ever
  • after losing much of what I owned, money, savings ….discovering my own safety

“Nothing ever goes wrong in life.” ~ Byron Katie

Isn’t what I mostly have wished for….my Underlying Wish….been for happiness, awareness, love, growth, clarity, and freedom?

Oh. Right!

Bring on the “bad” stuff.

Much love, Grace