In Year of Inquiry group we’re in our 8th month, and I’m loving the worksheets and thoughts members of the group are bringing to our sessions for inquiry. It just gets deeper and everyone’s insights are so beautiful.
Yesterday, we looked at a powerful moment, listening to one inquirer’s worksheet, but following along within, finding our own experience of the same thought she brought to the group:
“I want mom to make it easier for me!”
Has there ever been someone in your life you wish would just make things easier?
I mean, ai-yi-yi(!)
Why so much torture, suffering, irritation, anxiety, or sadness with that person? (And if it’s mom, this the longest relationship I’ve ever had with anyone-whether mom is living or died a long time ago. So why can’t my relationship with her go easier? Come ON!)
And OK OK, I know I have to work on myself to not react so quickly, but can’t they just try to (fill in the blank)?
Can’t they say kind words? Can’t they call me or email me or text me back? Can’t they stop being so demanding? Can’t they quit criticizing me? Can’t they clean up their mess?
IS IT SOOOO HARD?!
Even if you think it’s absolutely true that you want that person to make it easier for you….
….it’s still very valuable taking this stressful belief through self-inquiry (which is what we found during the group Year of Inquiry call).
How do you react when you believe you want that person to make it easier? What happens?
What would you have, if you got this easier lightness, instead of the hard way they always do it?
I know someone who cut me off once, after a close intimate friendship had formed. No communication, no response, no direct explanation, lots of confusion. I still think about her regularly, and it feels sad. I love her, she was a great friend.
She really could make it easier if she sent me a note, or called me and left a message, or reached out even the tiniest bit. I wouldn’t be left with a feeling of grief and foreboding, or dread and disappointment.
I wouldn’t be left alone with my own thoughts over here. I’d feel more connected. I’d feel love. Not anger. I’d have some peace, when it comes to her and everything that went down.
If only she could make it a little easier….I’d feel relief! I’d feel innocent! I’d feel open! I’d feel loved!
But am I sure I couldn’t feel these things now? Am I sure I want her to make it easier, so I can feel these better feelings? Am I sure her making it easier is possible, or required, for me to feel happy?
Well….no. I guess not.
FINE.
Who would I be without the belief I want her to make it easier for me?
Hmmm. I’d notice how it’s fairly easy already. I never make contact with her and she’s not in my life, only in my thoughts. I actually go many days without having her cross my mind, ever.
Without the thought I want her to make it easier, I notice what’s easy here, already, about this relationship. I notice what’s easy about this moment, even if there are thoughts about this “difficult” person.
Turning this thought around: I want ME to make it easier for me (especially when it comes to this person).
How could this be just as true, or truer.
Well, the things I’ve wound up making easier for myself, without the help of others, have been amazing learning experiences. I do want to ease up on my own mental criticism, expectations of life and mothers and other people, and most of all, expectations of me that are practically beyond human.
It’s of great value for me to be in the presence of anyone, including those hard-to-be-with people, and feel OK. I love questioning my thoughts. I love finding out what I thought was true, is not.
Turning the thought around again: I want me to make it easier for her.
Ooooh. Wait. Yes I do. I want to touch everyone in this world with clarity, trust and love. If I make even the tiniest difference, I feel grateful. If I can make it easier for someone like even my mother, or my friend I mentioned who supposedly cut me off…great. And, I see it’s also not required. What a relief.
Finally, this mind-stopping turnaround: I do NOT want her to make it easier for me.
Holy smokes…really? Because….
Stop. Don’t go into justification, explanation, telling your story about if only she would make it easier, blah blah blah. Just consider how this turnaround might be just as true, or truer that her making it easier is NOT necessary here.
Well. I signed up for the Olympics of internal freedom and happiness. What does it take for me to find peace in the presence of anything and anyone? What does it take for my own enlightenment.
I’m interested in that. No matter how hard.
Another inquirer said to me today she notices great learning comes most often from friction. Heat is created out of movement. From energy to fire to suffering to questioning to peace.
I also see how the toughest things in life, I wouldn’t erase from my experience. How do I know those hard times, difficult moments, and people who dish up stress for me, aren’t my greatest teachers in the world? So far, they have been.
Who would I be without the story that I want anything to be easier than it’s been?
Willing. Surrendered. Caring. Loving. Grateful.
Wow.
“There’s nothing out there that can oppose you. There is just fluid motion, like the wind. You attach a story to what you perceive, and that story is your suffering. I am everything that I have ever called other people; they were me all along. Everything I ever called my enemy was me….All enemies are your kind teachers, just waiting for you to realize it. (And that doesn’t mean you have to invite them to dinner). No one can be my enemy until I perceive him as threatening what I believe.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy pg 230
Much love,
Grace