Yesterday was a glorious summer afternoon in Seattle. The rare days of deep blue sky, bright sun, a light breeze singing in the wind chimes, and the most perfect temperature imaginable.
It may have possibly been the first Sunday like it all summer, here in the Pacific Northwest, where mild temperatures and overcast skies are much more the norm.
Of course, as I gathered my clipboards, set out the cup of pens, moved the chairs into place in a circle, put all the dishes in the dishwasher in the kitchen, and cleaned the bathroom….
….part of me thought, “I wonder if anyone would show up today at the meetup to do The Work?”
Only three people came.
But oh what fun, looking into the mind, our stressful thoughts, and taking them through the four questions.
It didn’t matter if there had been only one person showing up.
Something is precious about companions traveling along with us.
Not just precious….but practically, for me, for years….
a requirement.
Without other people, I would not sit and do The Work for two hours like we did yesterday.
Left on my own, it is just as possible yesterday that I might have gone bicycling, done laundry, gone online to look at more venues for upcoming retreat options, made airline reservations necessary for September, gone grocery shopping, read while lounging on the front porch, or put clean clothes away.
Instead, I got to sit thoughtfully, quietly, and consider a painful situation….
….when I believed someone I cared about didn’t appreciate me.
I love this simple question to enter The Work and the discovery of a situation you might have found disturbing: “When in your life has someone NOT appreciated you?”
Byron Katie has a wonderful invitation for us all, which is to watch what happens we perceive we’re not loved, approved of, or appreciated in a situation.
She calls it LAA (Love, Approval, Appreciation).
Now….here’s the funny thing about this simple awareness of not being appreciated (or loved, or approved of, or acknowledged, or accepted—you get the idea, use whatever word makes the most sense for you)….
….I notice any time I’ve ever, ever been upset about anything, it’s because of the perceived absence of LAA.
Yeah, seriously.
And yeah, that simple.
My friend ditched me because of something I didn’t even do, or say? She didn’t really love me. My sister never answered my texts? She doesn’t really appreciate me. My grandpa was too bossy, controlling, and acted like a dictator? He didn’t approve of me. My partner left me? He didn’t really love me. My friend demanded too much time and attention from me and didn’t take no for an answer? He didn’t appreciate me and my life circumstances. I lost all my money? God doesn’t appreciate me, my ancestors didn’t appreciate me (no inheritance), my partner didn’t appreciate me. I lost my job? My boss didn’t approve of me.
Every time. Every stressful experience, someone (including God/Source/Universe/Reality) doesn’t appreciate, love or approve of ME.
Kind of funny, right?
What this ends up meaning about The Work is that as I identify situations that disturb me, or create anxiety, fear, anger, irritation….
….I am questioning the belief, in these situations, that I am not truly loved (or the other words that can be substituted for love in all the variations we describe it).
So right now, think of someone who you think isn’t really loving you, or approving of you, or appreciating you.
See them in your mind doing that thing they did, or saying those words to you, or ignoring you, and it feels painful.
They don’t appreciate who you really are. They don’t appreciate the real you. They don’t love you. They don’t care about you. They don’t approve.
Is it true?
In my mind, I’m reading a text, and it says “I am done”. This refers to the relationship I have with someone. It stabs me in the gut. I feel sad, then angry, all in the flash of one second.
It’s true!
She doesn’t appreciate me at all!
What a *$%&@$*!
(See how fast that happens? It’s called not actually answering the question, which isn’t then doing The Work).
Back to the question. Right.
Can I absolutely know it’s true she doesn’t appreciate me?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE ASKING ME THIS QUESTION—DID YOU READ THE TEXT I RECEIVED FROM HER? Here….let me read it to you….you’ll be on my side then….you’ll see what I have to deal with.
Oh. Wait.
That would be going into justification, explaining, telling a nice big fat juicy story that proves I’m right about this, and she really, really doesn’t appreciate me.
Rats.
Just answer the question.
Deep breath.
Can I absolutely know this text means she doesn’t love me?
No.
I really can’t know it’s absolutely true. In fact, I know she does.
How do I react when I believe she doesn’t appreciate me, and I’m reading the words “I am done” and it feels like I’m getting cut off and slammed and dismissed and other words in the text seem to globally say the entire relationship is screwed and always has been?
Yikes.
Rage.
I want to be sarcastic back in a reply text. I feel very, very hurt underneath the anger. I’m taking it so personally. I feel constricted and contracted around those words I’m reading. In my mind I treat her like she’s wrong, and I’m right.
So who would I be without this belief she doesn’t appreciate me?
Wow.
I’d be reading the words of a very hurt person, who doesn’t know what else to do or say, who feels…..unappreciated. Someone who’s tired and angry.
I’d read the actual words which say not “I am done” with this whole entire relationship for the rest of life as we know it….but “I am done” with this particular format and way of relating. She’s simply saying “no” to what’s been proposed.
Without the belief “she doesn’t appreciate me” I also notice this is not all about me (haha). I’m simply looking. I’m observing someone really, really, really upset.
I have a lot of compassion for upset.
(And to be entirely honest….I’m not actually observing anyone in reality. I see a text, with words, on my phone, and I am IMAGINING her yelling at me and fuming in anger and wanting to hurt me….I don’t see anyone in the room with me. I am reading a text, for God sakes. That’s it.)
Without the belief she doesn’t appreciate me….I look around the beautiful room I sit in, with my phone and this text on it. I see white shades on a big pretty window with sparkles of sun coming through in slit shapes, I hear voices of people walking by, I feel the chair supporting this body, and see red toe nails in black flip flops.
Turning the belief around: I don’t appreciate her, she DOES appreciate me, I don’t appreciate myself.
In this exact moment, reading the text with her words “I am done”how could these turnarounds be just as true, or truer?
I don’t appreciate her: Yes, I’m immediately judging her as immature, bratty, closed and so mean. I rip her to shreds in my head and see images of her making mistakes, or lying. I don’t see the wisdom in maybe taking a break and a sabbatical for awhile. Sabbaticals can be really good. They were invented for a reason.
She does appreciate me: She’s communicating with me in this very text, she’s saying “no” and telling the honest truth for herself, she’s not coming over and yelling at me, she’s leaving me alone–pretty low key really. No sound was uttered, only words sent electronically. I do find it gentle, now that I think about it. She didn’t ever say she was done for all time and hated me, or actually anything about me not being worthy of her appreciation. She only said she didn’t like the way things played out and she didn’t feel any hope for it unfolding in a new way. She could be right.
I don’t appreciate myself: I’m thinking if it doesn’t go the way I want, I’m doomed or I have no family and no love at all. I’m not aware of my own resilience, inner silence, joy and capacity to care for me. I’m not aware of my freedom in the moment, even if someone says “I’m done” to discover happiness. I’m seeing myself as quite small, and dependent on getting “nice” texts not ones that look like this.
Holy Moly.
I can’t believe how much I wasn’t appreciating myself by all I assumed so quickly in less than 30 seconds, when reading a text. My whole day changed by a few sentences in writing.
And this realization could happen because people came over to do The Work with me.
Once again, there is nothing like community and connection to allow The Work to sink in like a collective prayer, a group intention, an expression of desire to share, join, receive.
Thank you to everyone who has ever shown up to share in this incredible adventure with me. I could never do it without you. And that includes the text-er, the one who supposedly didn’t appreciate me.
“You can see that when you believe the thought, there is an uneasy feeling, a disturbance that can range from mild discomfort to fear or panic. Since you may have realized from Question 1 that the thought isn’t even true for you, you’re looking at the power of a lie. Your nature is truth, and when you oppose it, you don’t feel like yourself. Stress never feels as natural as peace does…..
….You can’t push yourself away from God; that’s not a possibility. You can only push yourself away from the awareness of God within you, for a while.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is
Much love,
Grace
P.S. The best way in the world to devote time to do The Work in your life is by joining community and making time to practice it. One of the best ways I know to do this is in Year of Inquiry. Sign up now during early bird registration through August 19th, five more days, and save a huge $500. Group therapy, guided facilitation sessions, support groups in specific modalities, training programs….all range from $400 per month, to $15,000 per year. Nothing is as inexpensive as this Year of Inquiry for how much time we share in self-realization and personal development.