If you think there’s a problem….question it (unless you want to suffer)
When I have that, or experience that, I’ll be happy….But what if all weather is beautiful. Even the rain. Or the dry desert.
I love when people write and ask me to comment or do The Work on a topic.
Recently, a woman shared about her desire to have kids….
….and how she’s felt disappointed about not being pregnant (yet).
The life of trying and waiting and dreaming of pregnancy and kids, but not having your dream come true, at least not now.
She asked a great question: how do I do The Work on “I am not pregnant”?
I love questioning the basic facts and seeing what happens. Often, these fact type concepts or sentences come out right when we’re answering the Question #1 on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, the place where we find out what we’re thinking first–before we even apply The Work of Byron Katie.
Question #1 in a nutshell is “WHY are you upset?!”
You get to write down, filling in the prompts, “I am (name the troubling feeling) with (name the person, or the thing, or the condition) because (say why).
So if you were someone trying to achieve something, or get to a goal, or have something….and you don’t have it, you would write just like the inquirer did so simply and beautifully: I am upset because I am not pregnant.
You may have something you’re upset, or disappointed, or sad about that you want, you’re pretty sure you can get there, but it’s not happening yet.
I am disappointed I don’t have a nice place to live
I am angry I didn’t get that job
I am sad because I haven’t been published
I am scared because I’m not married, or in a relationship
I am not healthy, or beautiful, or rich
I am upset because I’m not spiritually enlightened
I want it to be this other way, and I have a very vivid picture of what it will look like and how possible it is, and I’m not experiencing it right now.
Aaargh. Boo. Ugh.
Let’s take a look!
I’m not pregnant. (You can fill in your own condition. I’m not rich. I’m not employed. I’m not living in a house. I’m not married. I’m not enlightened. I’m not thin.)
Is it true?
You might have an obvious immediate “yes”.
Duh.
It’s interesting then to wonder if it’s absolutely true? You may still have a “YES THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE!” In this moment, in this situation, it is true. I am without that other condition at the moment.
How do you react when you believe this thought?
Here’s where it gets juicy.
If something feels really threatening about Not Having That Other Thing, then with this belief, you may feel terrible.
I’ve thought this about money before.
I don’t have it, I need it (desperately perhaps). I’ve worked so hard, I’m doing everything I know how to do. Why won’t the universe reward my efforts?
I notice, with the belief, I feel demanding, or worthless, or like I’m doing something wrong. I work HARDER. I’m exhausted. I’ve felt this with the struggle and search for awakening. I’m not even sure what awakening is, I’ve read volumes of books about it. I’m not even sure now why I wanted it, or if it’s true something isn’t awakened here. In fact, it seems there is.
With the thought “I’m not pregnant” I can imagine the very same kind of reaction. I’ll be a failure if this doesn’t happen. Not being THAT (pregnant) will mean my life isn’t good. I’ll be missing out. I’ll be left out. It’s not fair. I did it wrong. I’m doing something wrong right now. I’m frustrated.
The way it is right now isn’t good enough. That other way is the best way (with pregnancy, with a baby, in a future life with offspring).
But who would you be without this thought?
Are you sure what you’re imagining is better than what’s happening right now?
I notice when I think a condition I’m dreaming of hasn’t happened yet, and I feel the stress of the belief running through me that it should, then this present moment isn’t that fun.
So who would you really be without this thought entering your mind about The Thing?
You mean? Wait a sec.
No thought that I am not wealthy? Or not healthy? (Wow, like what if I think I’m sick…and then notice what it’s like without THAT thought)? No thought that I’m NOT there yet? No thought that I’m minus something in this moment, even though my mind can imagine the other condition?
Yes, who would you be right here, right now, without the belief you are not “x”?
It feels sort of spacious, actually. Entering the unknown. More fascinated with what’s going on here, in my life now. Noticing how very well things are, even as they change and move and morph to the next thing.
Without the thought, comparison dissolves away. I don’t see other pregnant people (or wealthy, thin, successful, whatever it is) and feel jealous. I feel excited, here. I’m in my own life, now.
Can you feel in your whole body what it’s like without the belief you aren’t something (that you wish you were)?
It doesn’t mean you have to give up all your dreams.
But it occurs to me, it might be a lot more fun heading towards the dream with this fun, unknown, lets-see-what-happens feeling, open to many possibilities, than it would be to head towards a dream full of anger, frustration, disappointment or sadness.
What if you turned the thought around?
I AM pregnant, I am healthy, I am famous, I am employed, I am thin, I am living in a home, I am wealthy, I am published, I am enlightened, I am successful, I am in love.
This turnaround is not in any way about denial, or going bonkers.
It’s simply noticing the qualities of this condition you believe you want, and finding examples of it being here in the present, if you can.
How could it be that I am pregnant?
(And, I know I’m not in the physical human way–I’m 55 and won’t ever be pregnant again in this lifetime, actually, at least I’m pretty sure that’s true, but I’m open).
I can, however, find examples of how I do feel pregnant.
Pregnant means, in the dictionary “expectant, charged with, abounding in, meaningful, significant, suggestive, carrying, heavy, full”.
Where are these qualities present, right now, in my life?
In my life, I am writing a book. I have been growing, and holding, and carrying with joy and fullness and sometimes–heaviness–a beautiful business working with people, in service. Things are ever being born–new groups, new classes, new articles, new interviews.
I turn it around again this way: YAY! I’m not pregnant!
It’s called the YAYHOO turnaround (that’s what I call it). Kinda goofy, but instead of saying….oh terrible I am not this thing….instead say oh fabulous I am not this thing!
And just see what might be nice about not being that. The other day, for example, in Year of Inquiry someone realized in a very similar turnaround to this one that it was fantastic she wasn’t famous. She didn’t want people to bother her everywhere she went. There were advantages, such great advantages, to having a wonderful, simple life.
I can find advantages to not being pregnant with a baby. No sleepless nights. No changing diapers. No swollen body. No doctor visits. No anticipation of the birth. No nausea. No need to buy a car seat.
I can love the future vision, and be thrilled with the sweetness of what I imagine about pregnancy, birth, having kids….but I can also see how right now, in this moment, nothing more is required. Being here on planet earth is pretty fine. Now.
If I am open to the universe being fully supportive of me, and see the world and life as giving, giving, giving to me everything I need in order to wake up….
….then I trust reality. I’m open to what’s going on. I even accept that something greater than me (or my mind) might know what’s best.
(It doesn’t mean I have to drop the dream).
“You don’t have one of those bumper stickers that says I’d Rather Be Sailing, I’d Rather Be Mountain Climbing. No!! I’d rather…Not Be Rathering! I’d rather be here doing what I’m doing. I’d rather be here experiencing the moment in its entirety so I can be enjoying my life…..The joy you feel in getting what you want, is the joy available all the time, when the mind shuts up.” ~ Michael Singer in a talk on Desire
Woah. You mean, I could have the joy I think I would have, if I had that Other Condition, or Thing, or Person…..right now, with what is?
