The heart of the big city was bustling even though it was a Saturday morning. I had parked my car on a steep city street nearby that was one of the few spots that allowed longer than 2 hours.
I dressed in business clothing, as the all-weekend meeting I was attending was in a spectacular high-rise full of offices that looked far out over Puget Sound.
I had signed up to attend this intensive training because…..on my own, things weren’t going so well.
I was failing at getting clients for my new practice in steady enough droves that I could survive, I didn’t know how to hustle, I felt determined to succeed.
I have attended many other trainings and programs and workshops, because my favorite thing in the world practically is learning, upgrading, and understanding myself and other humans.
This program involved 12 people getting together once a month for a year, to re-invent ourselves, to grow, to expand, to try on new ideas.
As the lead facilitator of the program said in his opening speech “this program will be for you what you make it” I felt a little nervous.
I remember attending another intensive workshop for writers. In our opening exercise, the leader/teacher told us to write down what our biggest obstacles are to accomplishing the task of writing.
I could see pretty easily what I wanted, and had some good ideas about what held me back:
I am afraid, I need someone to hold my hand the whole time, I can’t trust myself or my own thinking, I can’t make it on my own, I don’t know what to do, I’m not good enough, I need someone to lead me.
I was hoping the program would change me and make me someone who never had uncomfortable thoughts, who knew what to do, and who was good enough.
There is a small possibility of doing The Work with this same “motive”.
This motive says, if I question my thoughts, if I change my mind, if someone treats me with tough love, if someone forces me to go workout at 6 am….
….THEN I’ll no longer be myself, and I’ll no longer suffer.
The problem for me, with that kind of thinking, is that I became a restless seeker for trying things, then changing my mind, then moving on, then ditching.
It was like dieting. It works temporarily, but for a lifetime?
No.
Back then, I would do anything to NOT be me. To get over my “problems”.
The word “motive” is defined in the dictionary as “a reason for doing something, especially that is hidden or not obvious.”
When you believe you MUST change, that your personality or problems are serious, and you’re sure someone out there has the answer for you, then you may find you’re in an endless loop-thinking that is never resolved.
“As soon as the mind pulls out an agenda and decides what needs to change, that’s unreality. Life doesn’t need to decide who’s right and who’s wrong. Life doesn’t need to know the “right” way to go because it’s going there anyway. Then you start to get a hint of why the mind, in a deep sense of liberation, tends to get very quiet. It doesn’t have its job anymore. It has its usefulness, but it doesn’t have its full-time occupation of sustaining an intricately fabricated house of cards.” ~ Adyashanti
Who would I be without the thought that the training or educational programs I’ve enrolled in needed to “change” me?
Without the thought that it’s better to have a degree? Without the thought that I must emulate another different person (not me) in order to find peace? Without the thought that I’m faulty?
Wow! I would feel open to all possibilities. I would be free to come or to go, free to stop hunting for a Quick Fix or a Cure.
I would be drawn to experts and very thrilled at their knowledge and input. I’d say yes/say no. Any option would work.
I’d be ecstatically, joyfully ME.
No desperation, no expectations, no ideal dream world of the perfect version of ME in the future.
“We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart.” ~ Pema Chodron
If you’re ready to join a group for a year (or for an 8 week teleclass) then Year Of Inquiry YOI begins again in January on Fridays at 9-10:30 am Pacific Time.
These are groups of compadres who join together in mutual support and understanding, who practice questioning our thinking, who are open to loving what is, including themselves, for an entire year (2 in-person optional retreats, the rest telesessions).
“Not my words, not my presence, nothing about me is of value to other people….But what people can see, through inquiry, is their own truth. That’s where the value is; that’s what can be experienced when you’re tired of suffering. You can reach out and have that, because it is your very own.” ~ Byron Katie
Much love, Grace