Money Relationship Status: Married

Money. Relationship Status: It’s Complicated.

That’s how I used to feel ALL THE TIME about that never-ending angst-ridden relationship with that unpredictable, difficult, demanding thing called MONEY.

I would see those other people with lots of Money, or hardly any Money at all…and people appeared happy, sad, depressed, thrilled in spite of the lack or abundance of money. It didn’t always makes sense, that’s for sure.

Happy/Sad, Positive/Negative…people appeared to feel all feelings no matter how much money or how little money they had.

And yet the story persisted that WITH money, people feel better.

I would feel better.

I also saw that it seemed to take a lot of hard, hard, drudgery to earn Money. It also seemed that (less often) Money just showed up unannounced, unexpectedly.

I had so many conflicting thoughts about money, that I knew I absolutely had to figure out how to use The Work and deep self-investigation to understand money better.

It wasn’t enough to just do The Work on “I need more money” even though exploring this belief offered huge insight (because I learned that in any given moment, I actually was fine with or without any money).

Even though I was lightening up about Money in so many ways…in other ways I was still very fearful.

Bottom line, it was absolutely true that having money was better than not having it. No question, it seemed absolutely true.

I just couldn’t let go of that roller-coaster ride relationship!

So, I got to work looking at what I believed money represented in my life.

I came up with many qualities: security, kindness, ease, relaxation, love, approval, celebration, joy, comfort.

Oh yikes. That’s a whole heck of a lot to put on money, right?

If money was a person, in the way I felt about it, it would be practically like an unobtainable hollywood movie star, or like some kind of god.

So spectacular, and so desirable!

And in addition to all THAT….my belief was that I had to work really, really hard to get a lot of it. I mean REALLY hard.

I had offer something so unique, exquisite, and perfect it was almost as impossible as that distant magical demi-god star. I had to change peoples’ lives, I had to work for hours into the night, I had to push myself physically.

Receiving money would only happen if I was getting rewarded for massive effort.

I was over here, on this side of the Grand Canyon….and the land of people with money flowing easily to them was over there, on the other side.

Of course I noticed Those People who inherited money from family, who won money (I’ve never met anyone in real life with that story however) or who were raised with abundant money.

But I still believed SOMEONE in their history worked their ass off to get the piles of money. In my work on money, after several worksheets on Rich People, I interviewed people who I knew had lots of money and asked if I could ask them questions about money. Several said “yes”.

It still seemed like they did something that took off, that created value for people.

But I loved questioning that this then meant that it was lots of work, drudgery, it took a lot of time, or it was “hard”.

So let’s take a look today! Oh boy!

I have to work hard to make money. I have to be brilliant, convincing, smart. I have to be very disciplined. I have to use my time very wisely…there isn’t much time for play. Playing too much means no money. This relationship with money is endlessly complicated.

Is that true?

Yes! All the people I admire with money, all those people waaaaayyyyy over there on the other side of the Grand Canyon, on the side WITH money….someone worked very hard to arrive there!

Can I absolutely know that this is true?

Can I know that they arrived? That they went from Not Having to Having? That the gap was really that big? That they didn’t play? That they had to be special, extra smart, extra disciplined, extra brilliant?

No. There may be some “regular” people who move from not having money to having money. In fact…I know some.

Um, now that you put it that way….I know a lot of them.

How do I react when I believe the thought that I have to be a certain way in order to make money? (Brilliant, disciplined, genius, convincing, determined).

How do I react when I’m looking for a job, and I think “people who get jobs get fabulous interviews, they have connections, they are genius at convincing someone to hire them, they are super good at what they do”?

How do I react when I feel this is so endlessly complicated?

I feel discouraged. I think “I’m not good enough”. I feel mediocre, average, dull, passive, and very self-critical.

I start to feel not good enough for money.

But who would I be without the thought that I need to be different than I am in order to make money?

That I need to be different if I am going to get a job, or do well in business, or sell my book, or cross the great divide between the me who has little money and the me who has lots of money?

Really….if you just put this thought on pause for a moment. What is that like?

Lighter. Curious. Interested. Open. Not striving. Dropping the need to make an effort, to push, to be disciplined, to be harsh.

I turn the thought around: I am just right, as I am, for making money. 

Could the opposites be just as true, or truer, than my original stressful beliefs?

I have to work easy to make money, I have to play more to make money, I have to be dull, relaxed, simple, no gripping. I have to be comfortable with chaos, disorder, open to the wild mystery (rather than disciplined). I do have to use my thinking wisely (not fearfully) and, there is no way to actually USE my time as if I’m losing time…Thinking playfully, joyfully, lightly means more money. It’s simple.

Gasp! But it will be terrible if I don’t work hard! I’ll never ACHIEVE! I’ll never accomplish! I’ll never arrive!

Could I try it for a few hours?

OK, could I try it for this moment? Could I just allow everything to be as it is, right now? Unknowable? Without having “arrived” at the place I think will be successful?

“What do you want? Do you want to be a success? I know what a success is…but YOU don’t realize what a success is yet or you would love yourself…..Look for peace from here now, not in the world. And then enjoy the world as it lives you. When you meet a stumbling block, just question your thoughts about what’s going on. Don’t expect anything.” ~ Byron Katie

As I contemplate not controlling myself, or my life, or my money, or my work, or my job status, or the amount of money coming and going, or that having money equals peace….

….I find I can feel the truth of not expecting anything, freely, openly, and how light, playful, hilarious and unplanned this all is.

And sitting here, writing in this quiet room, I feel the truth of peace permeating everything, of life creating itself, of awareness watching All This, and how I am so very successful….thinking, wondering, opening, being confused, trusting, letting go.

The amount of money, or security, or where I’m at on the job continuum, doesn’t actually have to change for me to notice that I could just as easily drop down into the other side of the Grand Canyon, that side Over There for people with money.

I could visit over there just as easily. Starting right now.

Money Relationship Status: Married.