The other day a long-time reader of Grace Notes sent me an email. She said she did all the right things in life.
In her letter, she described what she meant by “right things”.
Each day, she meditates, writes out her prayers, cooks good healthy food and eats very well, exercises, reads spiritual work, listens to supportive audio like Byron Katie, and she stays sober.
She said “I’m a good girl!”
So how come things don’t always work out that well?
I have that good girl streak. The list is long about what “good” can be.
Yoga, raw food, being kind, donating money to charity, spending time with your kids, being helpful, giving your family money, doing volunteer work, cleaning, offering support to someone in need, being friendly, taking care of the elderly, cooking for your spouse…oh gosh.
It’s starting to sound a lot like Maria Syndrome!
As in Maria in the Sound of Music. Almost a nun, but instead, a fabulous dancer and musician to eight children who lost their mother.
I have come down with the Maria Syndrome ailment from time to time.
Usually when someone or something has threatened my personal Maria image.
For example…
Several years ago, a leader who was working on the same community project with me announced that it was time for “everything to come out in the open” at a big board meeting.
Everything? What’s “everything”? And why is she looking directly at me?
I was called forward, and then another woman was also called forward.
“You two need to get along!” the leader said.
“I need you to sit down, face each other, and Dee….you need to quit talking to others and tell Grace right to her face what you’re concerns are! We’re tired of hearing about it!”
Dee had things to tell me? Complaints that she was voicing to others, behind my back?
Gulp.
My face turned the deepest bright red, my heart started racing, and my armpits broke into a cold clammy sweat.
I was terrified.
It turned out that Dee thought I wasn’t doing my part, that I didn’t communicate effectively, that I ignored her, that I was not collaborating well, that I showed up late and was unreliable, and in fact she’d never had such a bad experience trying to get a community service project underway before.
Holy. Cow.
I felt myself going into shock. Then embarrassment. I was stunned.
I was fairly new to The Work at the time. But I found myself later writing out a most vicious response, on paper, once I gathered my wits about me.
She shouldn’t think that about me! She should think I’m awesome! That I’m good, reliable and kind! She shouldn’t think I’m ignoring her, or not collaborating well! She should know my intentions are pure, positive and good!
What was WRONG with her? Too sensitive! Too insecure, fussy, rigid, paranoid, confused!
She had me sized up WRONG. Wrong, wrong, wrong!
It was like Defenders of the Great Image of Grace Bell/Maria. How dare she see me other than “good”!?
Heh heh. Um. Yeah.
I discovered the power of the Maria Syndrome. Demanding that everyone see me as positively.
What a shocker that someone didn’t, with all the time, effort and energy I put into being such a freakin’ good citizen!
So, is it true that I am a good person….like Maria? Or that Dee should have seen me that way?
Yes! I KNOW I am a good, reliable, honest person! She should see this!
Are you sure?
Deep breath. Answer from the deepest depths of your heart and mind.
No. I am not sure this is true. I have not been very excited AT ALL about this project. In fact, I was thinking it was a waste of time, ineffective, and wasn’t going to help the community.
I also had the feeling fairly often that Dee talked way too much. She chatted on about recipes or her neighbors and I considered it boring.
And I had never said one word.
Wow. She was right. I had not been honest. I had not been reliable, I had kept my thoughts to myself. I was very discouraged about this project, but I still showed up to the meetings. Late.
Who would I be without the thought that Dee should see me in the same light as Maria?
Without the thought that I was no longer a good person, or that because Dee thought I wasn’t a good person in that situation, it meant I wasn’t?
Who would I be right in that moment, when my face turned red, without the belief that I was in danger, that my image crumbling meant that I was hurt?
I might say, after taking it all in….
...”Dee, you are absolutely right. I don’t feel comfortable about this work we’re doing. I’m not happy at all working on this project. I don’t want to ever talk about recipes or the neighbors…I haven’t felt safe enough to be authentic. I apologize for making so many assumptions. I apologize for not ever speaking up.”
Yes, I wasn’t doing my part since I never TOLD THE TRUTH, yes I didn’t communicate effectively, yes I ignored her, yes I was not collaborating at ALL, yes I showed up late and was unreliable, and yes, I was responsible for a bad experience trying to get a community service project underway.
From that day forward, I was real. I showed up. It did not look all pretty and kind and sweet and adorable and dancing butterflies across the meadow.
I never pretend-talked about recipes again. I said I was sorry. I quit the project.
It was light years more efficient.
“In harmony with the Tao, the sky is clear and spacious, the earth is solid and full, all creatures flourish together, content with the way they are, endlessly repeating themselves, endlessly renewed…..The Master views the parts with compassion, because he understands the whole. His constant practice is humility. He doesn’t glitter like a jewel but lets himself be shaped by the Tao, as rugged and common as a stone.” ~ Tao Te Ching #39
Love, Grace