Feeling Peaceful When You Hear Crude Words

It’s astonishing sometimes the speed at which the mind can move into believing a stressful thought.

Even right in the middle of doing The Work.

There you are, answering the question “who would I be if I didn’t believe this situation, or that person, was troubling?”

And in your mind you see warning images flash about what this bad or difficult situation means and how sure you are that it IS troubling.

Or you compare yourself to those Other People who are having a great time over there, without the same kinds of difficulties.

Maybe you get a little nervous about that difficult person, and you’d rather not talk, think, say or do anything about them….too scary.

The other day I was questioning my idea that someone I overheard speaking shouldn’t have said what they said.

“He is so inappropriate” I chattered away to myself. “He always brings up sexual innuendo or talks about his sexcapades, and he makes himself appear as if he’s had thousands of sexual partners, so crude…”

He wasn’t even talking to me, I just overheard him.

I felt inquiry rise in me as I drove quietly home in my car.

Who would I be in that moment when I heard this person talking about sexual contact with others that it was in poor taste, or wrong, or exasperating, or icky?

Oh no….without the thought, I wouldn’t speak up, I wouldn’t get away from him, I wouldn’t be grossed out and know who to avoid!

I realized this was one of those situations where without the belief that he is gross or crude…..I feel vulnerable, nervous. That thought feels like it’s protecting me, even if its harsh.

But can I be sure that believing I KNOW what is repulsive will protect me, and keep me safe?

Not really.

I looked at the belief “he is not safe”. 

You can think of someone right now who you feel nervous around, even just a little bit. Or maybe it’s a whole lot.

Are you sure that person isn’t safe? Are you sure you’re in danger of getting hurt if they speak, listen, have contact with you?

Yes! I need to be careful!

Suddenly I remember being on summer break at my grandparents house between fifth and sixth grade. Reunited with my best summer friend, who I hadn’t seen since the previous year.

She is now very interested in boys. She has a boyfriend. She wants us to sneak out of the house together on the hot summer night and go to a party.

I’ve never even thought about boys before. We’re eleven. I have no brothers. I’ve hardly talked with boys. It never occurred to me.

I follow her to the party in the dark hot summer night. I don’t like this idea. I’m paired with a boy and apparently everyone is supposed to “make out”.

I’m frozen. I have the thought that I’m grossed out, and then also the thought that I myself shouldn’t say anything out loud to the boy, my friend, to anyone.

In that situation, as it rises in vivid color memory…who would I be without the thought that it was terrible, that everyone was wrong, and my friend and the boys were disgusting…or that they were not safe?

I would notice that this situation was above and beyond my preference zone. I would say “I’m going home now” and leave, rather happily.

I probably would have said to my friend before we even left her house “Party? Uh, no thanks, I’m going to sleep now.”

I would save about three hours of sick anxiety caught between terror and waiting for the whole thing to be over.

Maybe I’d be curious…what on earth are these humans doing anyway?  And also notice I am not very interested, and very clear that this is not the time and place for me, yet.

Often, right under the surface of investigating who you would be without a thought, there are other powerful thoughts and beliefs that deserve exploration.

Who was not safe in that situation?

That was me. I wasn’t safe for myself. I didn’t talk. I didn’t say no. I was believing that I couldn’t rock the boat, leave, speak up, voice an opinion, or express my preferences without being in danger.

I return to my review of the current situation with the man who I was judging.

I take a look at him again, in my mind.

I notice I’m not exactly drawn to him and his words in that moment….but I am entirely safe.

He doesn’t have to change for me to be happy. I’m glad he is enjoying himself, having an exciting life.

I discover that the person who is not safe, as I am overhearing the language, the explicit sexual description, the terminology…is ME.

Without the thought that I don’t ever want to hear that kind of talk, I burst out laughing. I picture myself giving that man a light punch and saying something like “Can you take this conversation outside?”

I relax with the words and meanings I heard, and find there is a place for them and a part of life with them, and that one of my favorite topics of all time has been learning, understanding and knowing about human sexuality and what works and what doesn’t work for me personally.

“Hurt feelings or discomfort of any kind cannot be caused by another person. No one outside me can hurt me. That’s not a possibility. It’s only when I believe a stressful thought that I get hurt. And I’m the one who’s hurting me by believing what I think. This is very good news, because it means that I don’t have to get someone else to stop hurting me. I’m the one who can stop hurting me. It’s within my power.” ~ Byron Katie

In fact, after I overheard that conversation, I asked someone close what one term was that I had no idea what it meant or what it was (yes, at age 52) and learned a new thing about sexual conduct in some humans.

And I also noticed, I wasn’t really that interested.

“When you no longer perceive the world as hostile, there is no more fear, and when there is no more fear, you think, speak and act differently. Love and compassion arise, and they affect the world. Even if you find yourself in a conflict situation, there is an outflow of peace into the polarities. So then, something does change.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Love, Grace

P.S. If you experience a lot of beliefs around sexuality, then join us in October for the next 8 week teleclass with exercises created to look at worst case scenarios and other stressful situations with inquiry.