It’s amazing how painful, penetrating and persistent thoughts can be about the Self.
This Self is unworthy, not good enough, not perfect, the One that made a mistake.
When I have visited this Land Of No-Good then the thoughts start having babies like rabbits, multiplying in a thousand directions with pictures and comparisons about other people who have done it better than ME.
Plus, OF COURSE, the Voice has to get turned on that is also critical of the self being self-critical.
Jeez, what’s wrong with you being so insecure? You already KNOW you’re doing the best you can. How much therapy or how many workshops do you need, can’t you give it a rest?
The thing is, all of it goes into the basket of what Scott Kiloby calls The Deficient Self.
It’s such a deep conditioning, or so it seems, to think in terms of the negative consequences of the future. It’s like there is a belief that I need to push myself, correct myself, or improve….or else.
Or else later I will be sorry. I will be in pain. Tomorrow I will fail worse than today, if I don’t pull it together. Next week I will be depressed, fatter, lonely, worried, banished.
Next year I will be living on the street, no friends, no one speaking to me, no health, no money, no happiness.
If I don’t work on going UP, I will go DOWN. Heck, even staying in this same place would be bad. Yep, only IMPROVEMENT and GOING UP is acceptable.
People out there say we are enough, we have enough, we have all we need for anything we want to do already. We’ve got it.
But that makes no sense to the person who absolutely believes that it is true that this Self is Deficient.
I used to like to hang around people who said supportive, kind things. I liked my therapist in my early 20s who was so nurturing and loving. I liked it when someone said “you look mahrvelous!” I liked it when someone said “you are so brave, generous, interesting, funny.”
If someone said I was a bitch, or a chicken-shit (definitely bad if they started squalking like a hen) or selfish, it was like when the Hulk was called Angry.
How dare you say that about MOI…..or if I didn’t have an angry response I would be terrified at being seen. It was like I had the belief that I must be perceived well ALL THE TIME.
Dangerous things happen to people when they are not perceived well!
What’s the worst that could happen if someone is not liked? They could be put to death. Banished from the kingdom forever. Hurt.
Such a fear of the Deficiency of the Self.
What if it wasn’t true? What if the whole entire story is mistaken? What if there actually is NOT a self that isn’t good enough or big enough or strong enough or committed enough or powerful enough or determined enough or honest enough or rich enough?
What if there is no self that needs to be defended, or bolstered up?
What if no one is any better than anyone else? It sounds easy to say this is true, but watch you mind compare yourself to others…it gets very convinced that the person over there has “got it”. They are “further along” than me.
That person over there is awakened, enlightened, peaceful….doing something right.
All by itself this may be a very joyful thought. I love seeing other joyful people and all their different flavors and ways and personalities!
But if I compare and find myself lacking, even in the tiniest way….ouch.
When I spend time with one of my Self-Improvement thoughts, that is my way out of the gerbil-cage belief system of repeating this idea over and over.
- I need to relax more
- I should pay attention to the little things in life
- I don’t want to analyze the universe so much
- I want to wake up
- I need to stay on track
- I am selfish, too fearful
- I care too much about other people
And by the way, while we’re at it, I don’t always exactly have a Supremely Happy world view. What’s wrong with me?!
I love how Adyashanti, Steven Bodian, and many of my favorite teachers ask “who are you?” Who or What is this Self you think doesn’t measure up?
Adya once asked me “is it bigger than a bread box?” I went on a hike after that conversation and got more and more frustrated.
Dang it, there was nothing there. As soon as I looked…what did he mean “bigger than a bread box?” This has nothing to do with shape or size, and I can’t even find a location.
Is this a trick question?
“There is nothing to attain except the realization that there is nothing to attain.” ~ Tony Parsons
“Do not worry about your life….Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin…” ~ Jesus
There’s nothing solid here, this Self, whether deficient or not. WOW. What a relief. Nothing actually there to improve. And how bizarre, too!
That was a good trick question.
Love, Grace