I’m A Terrible Mother! (+Parenting Relief Online workshop 5/1)

May 1st 4-6 pm Pacific Time: Happy Parent Online Workshop. For those wanting to dig in to The Work on parenting, you’ll learn common stressful thoughts we parents have that keep us frightened or upset. We’ll then go through a powerful step to narrow our focus on what’s not working (so it’s more manageable), and question it.

You’ll leave with awareness of what YOU need to work on around parenting your kids to bring yourself relief, freedom and happiness. Sign up here.

When I first heard about The Work, I was intrigued but to be honest, I wasn’t necessarily saying to myself “this is exactly what I’ve been waiting for!”

It was a little confusing.

The idea of questioning my stressful thinking and transforming it somehow made sense though.

I knew first hand that when I believed something was messed up, or that I was doing something wrong….

….I felt awful.

And then, when I felt awful….I grew serious, sad, even depressed and hopeless. My attitude about life itself would take a plunge.

Starting when I was a teen, I’d also eat when I felt awful or hopeless. When I wasn’t hungry. I’d eat with guilt, worry, anger and rebellious feelings–sometimes all at the very same time.

In fact, my off-balance eating had led me in great despair to finding peace, healing, calm and exploring what the heck had made me go so far and get so bad?

But I didn’t really put it all together that my negative attitude about anything (food, people, life) produced suffering within (and weird eating) until later, after I learned how to do The Work.

The Work, I could see, was a way to identify and question disturbing ideas and find a new way of perceiving a situation that was always more peaceful or more exciting or more fulfilling.

Before then, I definitely wanted more positive ways of thinking. I sometimes called myself Eyore. You know the donkey in Whiney The Pooh? So pessimistic! Nothing’s ever going to go right!

When I first encountered The Work as a way of transforming thought, my kids were about 6 and 9 years old.

I couldn’t help but notice….I wasn’t so happy when it came to how I was with my kids at times. Not all the time, just sometimes.

They’d fight, and I’d get irritated. They’d interrupt a phone call, and I’d feel embarrassed. They wouldn’t clean up after themselves, and I felt burdened. They’d scream when I turned off the movie, and I felt annoyed. I’d want their dad to come take them away, so I could get a moment of peace and calm.

I was super tired. I was trying so hard to be a great mom.

But I was actually terrified that one simple, harsh thought might be true: I am a terrible mother.

Oh no.

If I had this thought, I’d try harder to be a good one. And get MORE exhausted.

So let’s question this thought. And if you don’t have kids you can question the thought “I’m a terrible _____”. It might be friend, partner, sibling, daughter, son, employee, spouse.

Notice the scene when you think this is true. Because I guarantee you aren’t thinking this frightening thought every minute of the day.

Is it true?

Yes. I yelled at my kids. I screamed and lost it and overrode THEIR bickering with my screams. It was like an explosion came out of me. That was bad mothering.

Are you absolutely sure it’s true?

No. I am not all-knowing. I do not have a clear thought-process going. I’m complaining, even if it’s about me. I know it’s not absolute forever for all time that I’m a bad mother. Just sometimes, and I’m not sure how helpful it is to make that declaration.

(It isn’t).

How do you react when you believe “I’m a terrible mother (or whatever identity you’re filling in there)?

Like crawling into bed with the covers pulled over. Or worse. Which would make this even more horrible. It’s hellishly discouraging to believe this thought.

So who would you be without this stressful belief? What would it be like to NOT have it?

What about the times you’re so overjoyed with your kids? Or the love you feel in your heart towards them (or the other people around)?

What if this difficult moment didn’t mean anything permanent, or didn’t mean anything blistering, horrible, or condemning….about YOU?

What if you could hold some self-compassion in this situation, just like you might for someone else who has done or encountered the same?

“As you begin to question your mind, mind loses the ability to believe that it’s a this or a that. It ceases to identify itself. It becomes free. It understands that identification is just a state of mind….The ego attempts to make sure that freedom never happens again; it attempts it through fear, it tightens in on itself.” ~ Byron Katie

I’d feel gentle, softer with the thought “I’m a terrible anything”. I’d feel curious. I might even laugh.

Turning the thought around: I’m a wonderful _____. I’m a wonderful mother. I’m a wonderful spouse, daughter, son, sibling, employee, boss, co-worker, human.

How could this be just as true, or truer?

I care. My heart is big. I try hard. I’m sincere. I didn’t get violent, I only screamed loudly. I apologized. I hugged my kids later. Everyone’s still here. I have another chance, today. I’m questioning my thoughts.

Turning the thought around again: My thinking is terrible. 

Wow.

So true. My thoughts picture the ruination of my children. My thoughts remind me of my transgressions and sins. My thoughts are super negative or mildly threatening. My thoughts are very serious, in this situation.

I love when I find it’s only a thought, not me at the core, who is terrible. My thoughts, in that situation, were running rampant on a “terrible” tour, but it was only the mind doing it’s imagination-thing.

Except for my thinking, nothing is actually terrible. Not about me, not about the world.

“When inquiry is alive inside you, every thought you think ends with a question mark, not a period. And that is the end of suffering.” ~ Byron Katie

Join me for a two-hour workshop webinar Introduction on doing The Work for stressed parents, right here ($25).

But most importantly, question your stressful thinking.

Ending the impulse to self-hatred as a correction motivator is the best thing I ever did.

I quit overeating, I quit hating my own mothering. My family became about learning. They were all my teachers.

Now that’s an exciting life to live.

Much love,

Grace