Month: August 2015

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Eating Peace: One Simple, Brilliant Question To Ask If You’re Suffering

During the time 8-10 years ago when I was going through separation from my 15 year marriage, followed by divorce, I felt so lost and anxious.

I was questioning my thinking, meditating daily, and had great tools for finding support.

But I had a very hard time sleeping, and my thoughts would stir up a whole line of thinking about what I should do, could do, need to do.

I felt frantic. It seemed like my very survival was at stake. I could lose my home, my possessions, my stability (I already was).

And then a very dear friend texted me something.

She and I had many conversations about possibilities, and “doing” things and getting some sense of relaxation in my thoughts and prospects for work, and housing, money, security, or new love…..

….but this was a question that cut to the chase.

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Added Friday call YOI…and Are Goodbyes Sad?

By popular request, I’m putting Friday Year of Inquiry calls into the schedule.

I love when people ask for what they really want and need.

The calls for YOI are set for Tuesdays 5 pm, Weds noon, Thursdays 9 am, and Fridays 10 am. All Pacific time. You choose to attend all or one, listen to recordings, participate live, whatever works best for you. Early bird rate if you enroll by Saturday. Write if you have any concerns or questions.

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goodbyewave
Thoughts about Goodbye? Write them down. Question them.

I have something to tell you that I haven’t mentioned it much.

Or, at all.

I’m going on vacation, and I mean completely on vacation with no cell phone access or regular computer access (I’ll check emails a little) and not much writing.

I leave on August 19 and am gone until September 7.

While I’m away, some of the most popular Grace Notes will be sent, but you’ll notice a lot fewer notes from me in your Inbox for a few weeks.

The upcoming absence of communication reminds me of interesting ideas in human relating.

What happens when you have less communicating than before with someone you really care about?

My first close friend outside of my family was age 7-8. My family had moved from England to Kansas.

I made a great friend that year. Second grade. We spent tons of times at each other’s homes and saw each other every day at school.

Then my family moved away permanently.

When you’re eight, you don’t really communicate or relate with writing, phone calls (at least I sure didn’t) or any other way besides in-person direct contact.

So if your caregivers pack up everything and head thousands of miles away….

….that friendship is pretty much over.

Looking back at my first experience of friendship change, I can see where my mind went down some stressful alleys.

I’m lost, there’s no one else, no one else knows me this well, I don’t know anyone else like her/him, we have inside jokes that can’t be replicated anywhere, together is bliss, apart is scary, life is dull without “x”, I have to memorize and never, ever forget her address, there will never be another one like her/him/them.

These thoughts don’t seem just for kids, have you noticed?

The stressed mind, so childlike and innocent, starts in on these kinds of thoughts when you’re getting divorced, or your neighbors are moving away, and you’ve been an adult for years!

Poetry, epic novels, matters of life and death, honor, love, meaning all come out of the pain of relationships coming and going.

So what is so stressful about contact being over, different, changed, or diminished?

OMG, what if I go away, and…..what?

How do you react when you think all those stressful thoughts, and you believe they are true?

For me, I’ve imagined I’ll feel lost, sad, empty, lonely.

I get frozen and I don’t make a move. I go back and forth trying to figure things out. I debate what’s right, what’s wrong. I breathe more shallowly. I feel tight and tense, or hurt. I might not reveal the complete truth. I’m careful. I make lists of pros and cons.

I imagine later on, in the future, feeling sad and regretful.

Who would you be without the belief that if I go away, it will be a bad thing?

In any way?

It’s almost hard to imagine.

Having memory, and images, so vivid in the mind, it’s hard to think that I could have these memories of people and not almost immediately think of the loss of this person.

But what if that was not 100% true?

What if there were wonderful things that could come out of lighter, less frequent communication, or going away, or leaving a relationship the way you know it, or adventuring on to something new and different?

Or even death?

One of the best ways to sit with turnarounds and allow them to fold around you like a comfortable blanket of awareness, is to see the actual times something changed in the past when relating with someone, and notice what good came of it.

You’re not trying to squelch out the grief, you’re just opening up to more…..and not zipping to “loss” so fast, the way the mind loves to do.

Here are some examples that I’ve found, as I look at people close to me who have disappeared, for all the various reasons this happens in life.

  • With my father’s death, I had to learn to stand up on my own two legs, and feel his voice inside my heart when I sought wisdom and clarity
  • With my family moving when I was eight, my whole world opened up to mixed races of people all around me, one of the best school teachers I’ve ever had in my life (Mr. Adams), and taking a thing called a bus to school
  • When it happened again (my new best friend Sarah moved thousands of miles away in 6th grade) I discovered yet another new best friend appeared, Kathy.
  • The friend who panicked with misunderstanding (or whatever went on over there) set me free from going to restaurants and bars I didn’t like much, and hearing the same unresolved stories about her husband over and over again
  • In my previous marriage, we no longer had conflicts about money or fear about who wasn’t getting a job (me)
  • With one man I dated, there were no more worries about who he was having sex with and where
  • With another man I loved, I could notice how much I also loved stability, quiet, lack of drama after he left.

I could list more.

Every single time a friendship has space in between, it is an invitation.

Speak the truth, allow the space to be as it is, see what else is available.

Without anger, panic, control, pushing, pulling, or being lost in, well, “loss”…..

…..you get to see what’s right here, in this moment now.

Silence.

And if you have a problem with silence…..

…..you may be thinking something that isn’t really true for you.

Turning all the thoughts around about communication change:

I’m found, there’s always someone else, I know me this well, I don’t know anyone else like her/him (of course you don’t!), I can have other jokes with other people, together is too tight, apart is exciting, life is exciting without “x” or without my thoughts, if I need to remember I will and if I don’t I won’t, there will always be love.

Much love,

Grace

 

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Changing Your Mind Means You’re Efficient, Free and Beautiful

scared
FOMO and FODO. Oh my!

Last week I had an invitation that sounded fabulous.

Head down to the event in Millersylvania State Park campground south of Olympia, Washington (about 75 miles from my house) and join the group for the afternoon who were gathering to do The Work.

Several facilitators of The Work organized this and planned well.

Knowing I couldn’t be there, I hadn’t been closely involved….

….but learned I’d be not only welcome, but much appreciated, even if I came only for Friday afternoon.

I switched around my schedule, moved some things to Thursday, and hit the road before noon thinking I had plenty of time to arrive for their afternoon meeting.

And I waited in traffic.

And waited.

And inched forward at 5 miles per hour.

Then waited some more.

It took almost an hour to leave the boundaries of Seattle, the place I was traveling FROM.

But then, the freeway opened up, I looked at my watch, and thought OK then! Here we go!

No problem, I’ll still make it!

Until I hit the next large city.

And waited in traffic.

And waited.

And read overhead signs that said “thick congestion for the next ten miles”.

Tick tock.

I called my husband and had him look at the traffic report on his computer and the guess-timated time of arrival.

It put me arriving one hour later than originally planned.

Arrrggggghhhh.

So as I sat, and sat (I was also very hot, my car has no AC) here came the idea….

….turn around and go back home.

I felt hot, slow, tired, and late.

The next exit, I got off the freeway (at 2 miles per hour mind you), crawled across the overpass, and got back on the freeway, going the opposite direction……back home.

Now, this is a little stressful. It’s not fun for me telling people who are expecting me “nevermind, I’m not coming.”

But the real kicker stressful thought actually entered into my mind upon arrival back home.

After more sluggish traffic all the way back.

The voice sounded like this…..

“Why didn’t you just press on? What’s the big deal with a little traffic in your life once in awhile? Really? Your entire afternoon is cleared, it wouldn’t have been that bad being an hour late, you could have still stayed for dinner. What’s your freakin’ problem?”

Wow. I call it Decision Remorse.

It’s not unfamiliar, but honestly, I hadn’t had the experience in quite awhile.

I felt sad to be missing out! And self-critical!

The next morning, I awoke early.

“I can try again today. Even though I’m facilitating a dance class this morning, and I think my daughter needs me to buy some boots with her for our upcoming trip…..Yes, there’s still a chance. I can do it!”

But, I couldn’t really.

I would have had to clear my calendar all over again, including bumping my daughter AGAIN to the following day (which it turned out wouldn’t work, I soon discovered).

The stressy part was the feeling of being pulled in several directions at once.

All in my own mind.

Fear of Missing Out (FOMO). Fear of Disappointing Others (FODO).

Later, I knew what to do.

Question these concepts.

I’m missing out on something, is it true?

Yes. It’s absolutely true.

I’m missing out on a TON of things on planet earth right now, including the gathering of beautiful people in Millersylvania.

But who would I be without the belief this is a bad thing?

Whew. Way lighter.

Open to the present moment, no matter how mundane it looks (traffic on a freeway vs sitting in a group doing The Work, doesn’t matter).

Who would I also be without the belief it’s bad to disappoint someone?

Just following the simple directions, without over-analyzing them. Taking care of myself like a kind, dedicated, peaceful decision-maker.

Not thinking into someone else’s business (what will other people feel)? Not worrying that I’m doing something wrong.

Noticing, yes, it might have been not-so-hard to press on, during the heavy traffic moment….

….but for some reason, the next exit beckoned and said “turn around”.

Nothing terrible about that.

And even if I could have done The Work in that moment on traffic and lateness and COULD have found it didn’t matter and I COULD have continued on my merry way….

….NOW is what was happening, which was woman returned home, drank water, cooled off, lay down to rest, imagined her friends in Millersylvania State Park amongst the pine trees, while ready to do the next thing in front of her.

“You may find that you don’t need to navigate a future at all–that what appears now is all you’ve got, and even this is always immediately gone. And when you’ve stopped making war with reality, you ARE what changes, totally without control. That state of constant change is creation without limits–efficient, free, and beautiful beyond description.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

Much love, Grace

 

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The Awakened Mind is Like Water With Money

Cherry flowers and dollarSpeaking of money.

A very powerful exercise you can do to become aware of what money means to you, especially noting if it was stressful, is to remember incidents with money that felt uncomfortable, frightening, sad, or devastating.

Maybe there are only a few that immediately rise to the surface of your memory banks. All you need is one. But see if you can find more.

*A moment in the kitchen where the air was so thick with tension, you could cut it with a knife. I am only six. My grandpa and father have just raised their voices at each other. My dad is choked with anger at his father-in-law (grandpa). The women are completely silent.

Money makes my dad furious. Money makes my grandfather nasty and critical.

*A moment in the driveway of my brand new home where I’ve just moved with my then-husband and very small children. I open the trunk to retrieve my little overnight suitcase packed for my uncle’s funeral with my black velvet dress, black high heeled shoes, my favorite elegant earrings, and my father’s grey wool v-neck sweater with the tiny hints of blue and pink woven in.

My father has been dead for 8 years, but I take his sweater with me everywhere. It still smells like him.

As I open the trunk, I discover the suitcase gone. It was stolen.

Money made someone steal what was precious to me.

*A moment where I’m crying in the parking lot of the grand cathedral I grew up attending, sitting in my little car looking out at the Seattle skyline.

My mom opens the passenger door and gives me one look. She takes out her checkbook and writes a check for my mortgage, due tomorrow. I weep with relief, and rage.

Money made me ashamed, to ask my own mother, when I am 45 years old, to rescue me from financial crisis.

*A moment where my then-husband says with both irritation and hesitation, “Were you going to start looking for work soon?” after our youngest, age 2, goes to sleep.

Money made me lose the respect of my former husband. Money made it so I couldn’t stay with my children. 

*The family van is loaded. The moving trucks have already gone. We pull away from our house. I’ll have to go to third grade in a place called Washington. I watch the house until I can’t see it anymore, and the car turns down the main road out of Lawrence, Kansas.

Money made my parents leave our home, forever, so my dad could get a promotion to a new teaching job.

*A woman who works with me closely turns out to be watching everything I do with a critical eye, reporting tiny mistakes like typos to our supervisor over time.

Money made me stay in the presence of a creepy, bitter woman because I needed the job.

*People I see who have money have access to health care, body work, meditation retreats, community, comfort, security, pride, housing communities. People I see who have no money hurt themselves with smoking, junk food, zero health care, insecurity, evictions, lack of therapy, isolation and hatred of rich people.

Money divides people.

*I have a friend who has had a long successful high-paying career.

She lives in a dull looking ranch-style house with a tiny yard in a sunny area that stays about the same temperature all year, with cactuses and palm trees. She tell me about investing on the side in a sunglasses company, and buying an apartment building.

She’s saving up for when she becomes enlightened. She constantly attends spiritual retreats, with every non-dual teacher you’ve ever heard of, plus more.

Money keeps people unenlightened and unwilling to let go into what they actually really want.

I’ve got my stories. These are my proof of why money has been a mean, nasty, rotten, hateful, separating, insane-making entity.

Until I take these situations through the inquiry known as The Work.

The more I return to these images and scenes for deep, open-hearted inquiry, the lighter I become.

I notice each and every day, and every encounter with money, there’s an opportunity to slow, slow, slow down and really look.

(And there are so many moments every day with money, from the walk to the store for milk, to gifting my son with his annual license plate tabs when he didn’t expect the expense, to paying my monthly web hosting company).

Who would I be without the story, right here today, that money causes problems…..or lack of money causes problems?

I know its a really big question.

So take one situation at a time.

The minute you begin to look at only one, the story may begin to change. You don’t even have to find “positive” thoughts about money, or work so hard to change your money ideas.

You question, the story changes.

When the story changes, so does the future.

Year of Inquiry focuses on money situations during the fifth month (and if it’s a big topic for you, you can start in on it right away at the very beginning of the year in September).

Join me.

I love unwrapping these stories with myself, with everyone.

“The awakened mind is like water. It flows where it flows, envelops all things in its path, doesn’t try to change anything, yet in its steadiness all things change. It goes in and out, around and over, above and below, and without meaning to, it penetrates wherever it can. It delights in its own movement and in everything that allows or doesn’t allow it. And eventually everything allows it.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

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Two Things To Do When Something Is Too Expensive

moneyquestionWhy is Year of Inquiry (YOI) so expensive?

Someone wrote and asked me this a few days ago.

Or, well, actually her friendasked this question when they were on a walk.

A month ago, someone wrote “that’s the cheapest one-year group program I’ve ever heard of, do you have money issues?”

Hilarious, right?

Well….I notice a few thoughts appearing on the horizon, ready for inquiry.

After both of these emails within one month, I thought….

….maybe I better talk about money.

Yikes.

Do I have to? (No, no money issues here, nope. No-siree).

I loved getting these two questions, though, because….

a) I’ve had so many stressful beliefs about money and things being expensive in this world, or too much for me….

….and I’ve had so many equally stressful thoughts about how I shouldn’t be charging, or this weird guilt for requesting compensation for a service or expertise throughout my life in both jobs and business….

….and also….

b) I realize, some of you might appreciate knowing the thought and research that’s gone into the fee so it supports the program running and isn’t so low you hardly care about participating if you join and I have to go get another job on the side.

I’m starting with (b) first.

You might think because it’s easier…..but it’s because it’s harder.

I’d prefer to skip this part.

Share my research?

I confess, I often squirm when talking about money. It took me about three years just to feel comfortable charging $50 for one hour-long session. When the going rate for counseling and coaching was at least double that. Or triple.

Seriously. Even though I’ve paid close to $50,000 for my own training and graduate education. Gulp.

So, here’s what I’m aware of when it comes to (b) and why the fee is the way it is, or how the decision got made.

Looking at costs of programs in personal awareness, stress reduction, inner freedom, meditation or mindfulness (the topics of Year of Inquiry)….

When I was in therapy I went to see my therapist once a week. I had parents who took a loan to help me pay for it. I might have died without their help.

The same therapist’s fee is $125 per session today (I’d tell you what my parents paid but I actually can’t remember, it was 20+ years ago). That’s a middle-range fee for a therapist where I live. Lots of them charge more.

After a time of individual sessions, I entered the same therapist’s group therapy program, $370 per month 20+ years ago. Health insurance paid for part of it. I had a job and paid for the rest.

It was as much as my monthly apartment rent.

When I was in a coach training program, I had a personal coach.

The normal fee for a coach–having conversations about life, goals, meaning, focus and success–was $700 per month, for 4 one hour sessions. No insurance paid for it.

In the 1980s I attended the “est” program. I don’t remember the fee.

But I signed up to repeat the program last year, just to see what had changed and because I love deeper inquiry. The program was $575 for 3 days for newcomers (even though it had been almost 30 years, I got it a half price). The Advanced program was $875 for 3 days plus optional follow up meetings for 10 weeks.

Transformational programs that I’ve taken, including Byron Katie’s 9 day school, are over $5000. For nine days.

Many spiritual retreats with teachers I find full of integrity, care, and love are $1000 for five days at the very least. I know some of that goes to accommodations and food, but that’s the price to go on the retreat. You need to pay it all, you can’t sleep in your tent.

A fabulous sounding leadership program I was reading all about only a few weeks ago has three 3-day retreats, that’s it. No telephone sessions in between, no private sessions one-on-one. The fee is $7900 for the year.

An online mindfulness program lasting 10 weeks, with 10 weekly telecalls, and one 6 hour online retreat for all the participants I looked at six months ago was $1600.

Business support related work, which is about money and marketing and services, is in a whole different ball park. One year programs often cost $25K. Online video courses cost $1997.

Woah, right?

For Year Of Inquiry, anyone who signs up for the telecalls only (no retreats) for the entire year pays $1697.

As a part of YOI, you get invited to a lot of additional programs (most of my 8 week classes, as a bonus) for no extra fee.

The Year of Inquiry with retreats costs $2497 for the entire year, and this includes two full 3 day retreats, plus the 3 group telecalls every single week for 3 weeks out of every month.

The fee for both full YOI, or telecall-only YOI, also includes up to four solo sessions with me.

I call them “9-1-1” sessions, meaning, when you’re stuck, or you feel confused, or you have a big thing you’re going through and you need individual attention and time, you’ve got it from me if you want it.

YOI also has a forum where everyone is a member, a google group so it’s super private (not facebook) and when people share, they can receive messages via email.

YOI members get to ask questions of the whole group, reach out for support or find extra partners when they want one-on-one help, and offer their experiences when they find something great (like an awesome insight or a link to a Byron Katie interview).

When I researched many programs, and thought long and hard about monthly support and what I would pay if I were enrolling (and what I have actually paid for others’ advice and support) I came in lower on purpose, so I could really feel comfortable about the worth of the program, the energy of it, how much someone might have to “work” at a job in order to pay the fee each month.

I did this because of my own stressful beliefs about charging for things that don’t have “results” or guaranteed outcomes but are on someone’s own time and own evolving process.

I also thought about my own “work” and attention and care, and what kind of time I spend planning, updating, responding to, being with all the fabulous people who join YOI.

On practical notes about life costs, I thought about regular services many of us have for day-to-day living, and what you feel like you “get” for these services.

Where I live, my internet bill is $154 a month, my garbage pick-up is $75, if I go see a doctor for 20 minutes it’s $150, my self-employed health insurance is $560 per month (I have a few stressful thoughts about this one, we’ll talk about that later).

When I’ve gotten medical body work for injuries I had two years ago, the fee is $160 for one hour (he always went overtime a little). It was really important, my leg and back were hurting so much.

And what have I received from supported inquiry, from doing The Work?

It may be up there, for me personally, in the highest value of anything I’ve ever done.

It’s actually priceless, I almost can’t even come up with any number.

It’s infinitely worth it.

But you’ve got to set an actual earth-world price, a fee that’s manageable for me, for people enrolled, for the costs of the program to be covered.

What it feels like with this fee is quite honestly, the most fair, simple amount I could possibly imagine for both myself and for everyone who joins.

Even though it’s basically all made up.

The fee isn’t for the love, or the joy, or the learning, or the care, and not even for the time all added up in hours.

These things just don’t have a price tag.

I’ve gotten more from inquiry practice than from my master’s degree program that cost about $25,000 in the 1990s. That program was fantastic and I recommend it to people still today. Somewhere along the way, the story of “college degrees” brought degrees to cost more.

What else to consider when it comes to researching?

How about costs to run a program?

Having my business involves paying for teleconference services, paying for tons of technology programs and services, rentals, materials, and of course hundreds of hours of time spent with experts, practice groups, feedback, education, inquiry, meditation, group work, research, courses, and training.

All I know is….

I keep following the silence within….

….and it continues pulsing and flowing and offering whatever comes next….

….whether its a new person to hold in inquiry and love, or a new situation to feel what freedom means for me as a human being, or a new way to be a part of the Peace Movement and to help dissolve suffering for myself and for others.

Which is genuinely happening.

It’s incredible.

Evolution, awakening, joy and mystery is here, at our fingertips.

If you feel it’s beyond your reach, I remember this feeling so I can guide (maybe).

I love being a regular, normal, mediocre 54 year old woman who suffered deeply and once felt like death-warmed-over, and now feels astonished every day by the beauty of everything I see, and every step I take.

This is available to everyone.

Which brings me after all this explanation and consideration, which I may never do again by the way, to talking about (a) above…..

…..My own stressful thoughts about money, charging, receiving, not having enough, being selfish, worrying about expenses for other people or for myself.

These are the most important questions and concerns, really.

And fortunately, I know what to do with them.

The Work.

Being free turns out to mean questioning every story about money I’ve ever told and ever believed down to my bones.

I’ve gotten to question what does “expensive” mean?

I’ve questioned what does cheap mean, poor mean, rich mean?

I got to sit in the chair with Katie facilitating me on money.

What does “money” mean? Why does it hurt to part with it, or ask for it, or receive it, or wish for it when it’s not here?

What does survival, and needing, and craving, and longing, and contributing or giving money really mean for me?

What does receiving, and storing, charging and transferring, asking and accepting money mean?

What if money was just a symbol changing hands, moving?

What if I wasn’t against money?

What if I wasn’t for money?

What if it was perfectly OK for someone to talk with me about not having enough money for YOI (it is) and what they can spend?

OK to say yes, say no, every situation unique and worthy of consideration.

Am I sure I have to be careful?

No.

Byron Katie has a little saying she offers with laughter when talking about LOVE for someone else.

“I do, I don’t, I do, I do, I don’t.”

It’s the same with money.

I love it, I don’t love it, I hate it, I could care less about it, I forget about it, I love it, I don’t.

Ideas about it move and range all over the place.

I notice, I’m still here, I am safe no matter what money is doing or not doing, and money is safe with me, and we’re way more friendly with each other than we used to be.

It’s a beautiful relationship. With no guarantees.

Kind of like Reality.

But who changed…..me? Or money?

That would be…..me.

I’m pretty sure money is still doing exactly what it was created to do from the beginning.

I say yes to giving the world my time, my attention, my participation, my contact. I say yes to receiving enough, to being with myself (which is also you) and accepting, forgiving, resting with all of us (which includes me).

You are guided by the same brilliant force as I am.

You have to find your own answers.

And nothing is ever required. You can do inquiry all by yourself, with no money and no programs. I’m sure of it.

Who would we be without our stories?

“After I found The Work inside myself–after it found me–I began to notice that I always had the perfect amount of money for me right now, even when I had little or none. Happiness is a clear mind. A clear and sane mind knows how to live, how to work, what emails to send, what phone calls to make, and what to do to create what it wants without fear….You might even begin to notice the laws of generosity, the laws of letting money go out fearlessly and come back fearlessly. You don’t ever need more money than you have.”~ Byron Katie

What do you do when you think something’s too expensive?

1) Research, sort, contemplate, add, subtract, easy-does-it.

2) Question your thinking.

Free yourself.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. That was a longer Grace Note than usual. If you’re new, they’ll be smaller again soon, thankfully.

P.P.S. Year of Inquiry has a deadline of August 15th for early-bird registration, and the first retreat is Sept 25-27 in Seattle in a beautiful private home. The retreat is open to anyone (not just people in YOI). Click HERE if you’re interested in the fall retreat.

 

 

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What If You Stop Arguing With War? Could You Be Vast?

Sadness or grief about war is part of reality.

The other day I got the privilege of facilitating a woman doing The Work on a very stressful and traumatic situation.

War.

Even though she hadn’t actually been in the war.

Just hearing about it was horrible.

The grisly details. The destruction. The horror.

She said she felt so against hearing about it, how awful, how despairing.

The first time I encountered this kind of shock was when I read Anne Frank’s story Diary of a Young Girl.

I was only ten.

It was horrifyingly fascinating to learn that an entire culture, somewhere in time, had been against whole groups of people and that these people would have to fear for their lives, hide from the ones who would kill or destroy them.

How strange humanity is.

And yet, even when you are ten years old, you get it somehow. You might want to know more. You understand, there’s a full range of being in this world, from more enlightened to very dog-eat-dog.

What’s going on?

Why do people act violently?

Why would anyone want to destroy whole races of other people, or kill, or hit, or rage, or dominate others?

When I was 15 years old, my parents took our whole family out to dinner at one of my dad’s favorite restaurants, a hole in the wall authentic restaurant in China Town in Seattle.

Most of the patrons were Chinese, and there wasn’t much English spoken unless it was with very thick Chinese accents.

Our whole family went out to dinner, all four girls and both my parents, maybe once a year.

This was a big deal.

“We have an announcement to make” said my mom, with my dad nodding in agreement.

“We’re moving to South Africa, for a whole year.”

My three sisters and I looked at them blankly.

What’s South Africa?

I asked a friend at school the next Monday.

He immediately gasped.

“You’re going to the most horrible place ever. There’s this thing called apartheid. They have laws where white people like you have all the privilege and can go anywhere and do anything they want, and mixed people like me are called ‘coloreds’ and aren’t allowed to do certain things.”

I was so embarrassed.

My high school was 65% black kids, and the minute I heard this news, I didn’t talk about it for one more second.

Why would a whole country do something like that?

Why would my parents take us there?

I was furious.

But we went. (Funny, my opinion didn’t seem to change my parents’ minds).

During my very first week of school in South Africa (all white girls) a group of girls were standing in a circle between classes. Everyone wore navy blue uniforms, with navy blue skirts and navy blue sweaters, and black Mary Jane shoes with white bobby socks. Some girls had on their navy blue school blazers, with the pocket inscribed “VHS” Victoria High School for Girls. I wore the same outfit.

They were fascinated with me, my life, what was American high school like, what was on TV, what did it look like, how did I live?

I could hardly understand the accents and had to ask all the girls leaning in to repeat themselves for almost everything they said.

They crowded close, all listening with baited breath.

Then one girl asked me….

….what are black people like in America?

I crossed my arms across my body and my eyes got narrow.

“It’s nothing like here, that’s for sure.” I could feel my anger and embarrassment rise, thinking of my friend at home speaking about this word I had never heard before called “apartheid” and feeling frightened.

“In America, it’s totally equal amongst races. It’s not like this. My school has more black kids than white.”

There was a pause.

A girl in the crowd piped up with her thick South African accent.

“But….when I went on a summer exchange program last year, to Little Rock, Arkansas, the neighborhood I lived in was all white, the pool I swam in was all white, and all the employees at the pool were all black. And by the way, it was only 15 years ago that the blacks got the vote in the United States, that’s not all that long really.”

My face turned red. I was speechless.

What??!!

I marched home at lunch time (the custom was to take a long lunch mid day) and found both parents there, sitting at our table for the midday meal.

I explained that a girl in my class just told me black people in the United States didn’t get to vote until only 15 years ago. I said that can’t possibly be real.

“IS THAT TRUE???!!!!” I cried.

Yes, my parents said.

That’s true.

I was overcome with grief.

If it wasn’t embarrassing enough for me to be going to live in such a place for a year, criticized by my peers, I now find out that in my righteousness about how much better my country was…..

….it wasn’t.

Although I didn’t have The Work then, this beautiful form of self-inquiry, I could still see that I had believed I was from the “good” country, the “better” place, the one doing things right.

And it wasn’t true.

I was from the same kind of country, I was part of humanity where people shun others, fear others, fight others.

Including me.

Right in that moment of believing I was the genius from America.

I couldn’t help then but to see….

….Everyone is the same.

We are all doing the very best we can.

If we knew any better, we would do it the better way.

Who would you be without the belief that those people fighting wars, doing atrocious things, hitting other people, taking prisoners, enacting violence, killing, hurting others….

….who would you be without the belief that you are outside, different, and Not Them?

You might be like the woman I was facilitating, when we got to this question and could look in depth, without being entirely against this terrible war scene she had heard about.

Crying.

With compassion, grief, and love for all humanity.

For all the imperfect and ridiculous ways people act sometimes (including yourself).

Realizing we are all in this together, all humans, trying to do the best we can.

“As soon as you stop arguing with what is, you are vast. Simply because you are not arguing with what is. Because you have taken the position of reality….So when you take the position of reality, then you’re letting experience do what experience does.” ~ Adyashanti  

Reality appears to let you be the way you are, those other groups of people to be the way they are, this country to have had the history the way it has, that other country to have the history it has had, wars to happen, peace to happen, grief to happen, joy to happen, prejudice to happen, fear to happen, awareness to happen.

Realization to happen.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Year of Inquiry starts September 8th, and the first retreat is Sept 25-27. The retreat is open to anyone and there are a few spots available. Click HERE if you’re interested in the fall retreat.

 

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Eating Peace: Three Treasures From The Tao To Use For Healing

The Tao Te Ching offers powerful wisdom from hundreds and hundreds of years ago.

Like many ancient texts and sacred writings, it speaks of something you can use, now, when it comes to seeking peace…..

…..even with food, eating, bingeing, obsessing, worrying or feeling despair about it all.

Watch here and leave a comment, or ask any questions, any time.

I suffered for years from bulimia, anorexia, binge-eating, overeating, starving, over-exercising and freaking out about food, eating and my body on a regular basis.

These three treasures appeared, although I didn’t know it, through helpers, support, and ultimately….

….I knew they were already built inside me.

They’re in you, too.

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Who Would You Be Without Your Problem?

dooropening
Self-inquiry: opening the door to a peaceful reality

When something “big” is up it often becomes a powerful time for inquiry.

A transition is happening in your life. Oh look. Now this.

There’s something brought to your attention where you’ll need to respond, money is coming or going, health is potentially changing, a relationship changes formats, you lost your job, you started a new job, you sold a house, you’re moving, you broke your arm, you’re getting divorced, you’re getting married.

I’ve worked with people going through every single one of these experiences, and many more, who have considered them all to be very stressful.

But here’s a funny observation. I’ve noticed it in myself, and others report the very same thing.

The order of response sometimes leads to more stress, first, before remembering “I can question this!”

It goes like this:

1) an event, situation, incident happens

2) mind perceives in a flash that something bad is happening now or will happen later (there’s a threat) based on what it’s seen happen in the past

3) feelings enter, almost simultaneously it seems–you’re flooded with adrenaline, choked in sadness, rage rushes up–there are lesser or greater variations of these emotions, from tiny irritation to extreme fury for example

4) you react, in other words your actions are based on getting away from the threat, being upset by the threat, handling the threat, destroying the threat, telling other people about the threat….whether with words, movement, gesture, planning

5) you return to a calmer state, supposedly, back to homeostasis, relaxation, waiting, calm, resting….or you continue your project of seeking this state of rest, which isn’t here (yet)

6) the situation is has passed, but you stay alert, braced, ready-to-jump, on call for when the next “incident” happens

7) go back to #1

What I find is no matter when or where you remember you have the tools of inquiring….

….questioning the truth of your assumptions interrupts this pattern.

At the beginning of my journey of awareness, I sought comfort from books and spiritual wisdom.

These offered a lot of insight.

But I kept acting the very same way. (See cycle #1 through #7).

So I made contact eventually with people and started meeting with a therapist once a week, who then invited me into her group therapy.

It was sooooo helpful, I am forever grateful. Especially for the group process.

It interrupted the pattern completely of how I assumed, managed, thought I needed to handle, and interact with humans. (See #4).

It opened up tons of alternate possibilities for communicating and being with others.

It was really frightening work, in many ways, because I had to try things suggested to me that sounded really dangerous.

(My therapist: “Tell your fellow group therapy member how you’re feeling about him for real”. Gulp.)

Even when I came out of that awesome experience, perfect for my own growth and path, I would still enter into the cycle above.

Nothing wrong with this at all….the therapy assisted greatly with expansion of steps #4 through #6 and opening up more possibilities and alternatives had some affect on #2 and #3.

But #1 would still set a lot of things off.

Something happens.

I freak out. (On the inside, or maybe the outside too). I react. I have big feelings.

I focus on fixing and managing the feelings and adjusting or working with the thing causing the feelings, whether the “problem” was something outside of me, or the “problem” was me.

In any case, there’s a problem. That’s for dang sure.

Enter the practice of Inquiry.

Inquiry challenged that very core, deep assumption that something, someone, somewhere….was indeed a problem.

All those ideas I had about what would make things better, whether that other person changing, or me changing.

Wow, what a lot of work.

Who would you be if you stopped….and right after #1 above as your mind gets fired up into #2….you wonder if it’s true that there’s a problem?

Or, who would you be if it occurred to you, right after #3…..I wonder if my feelings are telling me the truth about what is or is not a problem?

Or, who would you be if you slowed down right after #4 as you’re executing your plans or you’ve just reacted with words, or you ran away…..hmmm, I wonder if I’ve got the full and complete picture here about safety or lack of safety or the problem?

Or, who would you be if you sat still when things got quieter in #5….and you began to answer a few questions about this whole situation overall and your view that it was a problem?

Or, what if as life slowed down and you’re no longer in emergency mode and you sit in #6…..you really let go entirely in the present moment and notice, quite astonishingly, that currently there is no problem?

Woah.

Just saying.

Eventually, you might notice #1 (called life) and then….

….wait for it….

….it’s over.

“I was in a hurry, so I did The Work.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Some issues appear to be big. Health, relationships, career, spiritual awakening. Maybe it’s a good time for the power of practice and group support, to keep you interrupting the regular pattern of suffering. Year of Inquiry is awesome for this. We start next month.

It’s called The Work because this takes, well, work.

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Self-Inquiry Can Nourish And Complete All Things

pathtoinfinity
No one knows where inquiry is going for you…..not even you.

“Is there anything troubling that can happen if you do inquiry ALL THE TIME?”

A woman asked me this once as she considered joining Year of Inquiry.

Isn’t that kind of, well, obsessive, to constantly question yourself and all your concepts and beliefs?

I had to chuckle.

Maybe so, maybe so.

Recently, I had another person exploring if YOI is right for her make a similar comment, imagining that in one year, after lots of inquiry week after week, she would be completely detached.

She said she wasn’t sure she was ready for that level of not-caring-about-anything, although it was probably nice.

Hmmm.

Having thoughts about where inquiry will get you can definitely be a little tricky.

All I can really share is my own experience, and by being a facilitator, what some people report about questioning stressful thought.

This is really the big grand story of what was it like for me before inquiry, what happened, and what’s it like now!

And lemme tell you, I sure don’t feel unaffected and detached towards life.

In fact, I’d say I feel more connected, more attached, more excited and intimate with what happens than I ever felt before.

Although there is one way I do feel detached.

I feel more detached from taking all interactions so dang seriously as I once did.

Or from being sure I’m right….

….even about spirituality, or evolution, or (gasp)…..inquiry itself.

I feel more detached from the voice that seems to comment negatively on everything, including MYSELF.

I do indeed also feel I was once quite obsessive. If that means getting on a train going down a track, going faster and faster and faster without putting on any brakes, on a particular stressful story.

I get off the track much quicker these days.

Sometimes, I even just see the track, and the train station, but I don’t actually wind up getting on.

The thing is….

….inquiry has not made me become an entirely different personality, it has not turned my life upside down to looking absolutely nothing like it once did, it has not made me unrecognizable.

But….

….it has made me become an entirely different person, it has turned my life upside down (in a wonderful way) to looking nothing like it once did, and it has made me almost unrecognizable to myself.

All I know is, I used to think something was very frightening, or something about life made me very angry, or I was filled with sadness about the human condition.

Now, I get those feelings and sensations and the accompanying thoughts and I notice images spring to mind and rove across my path, and I consider certain issues a “problem”, and my mind starts running off chattering its opinion about this, about that, and there is something present that Is. Not. Concerned.

In a very good way.

I think it was there all the time, that unconcerned place.

My mind is still here, too.

It LOVES to think. It gets OFF on thinking.

But it is not taken seriously, it just can’t stick with a story for long.

And what I’ve found is that as I live my life, in time, here on planet earth (meaning, not everything happens all at once, but things have a way of unfolding step-by-step) things have become more and more…..

…..hilarious.

I really have no answers.

I’ve gotten cancer, my dear family members and favorite people in the world have gotten cancer, people close to me have died, some relationships haven’t worked out super well, I’ve been betrayed in a weird way by someone I thought of as a friend, I lost tons of money and had almost none, I’ve been injured in a way I’ll probably notice for the remainder of my time in a body, I’ve been an imperfect parent, I’ve had weird conversations about fees, I’ve been afraid in my business.

But all of it is such an incredible adventure, and every day I enter more into recognition of the way reality is, is the way it is.

And it’s sooooo fun.

Life is just so incredibly beautiful, and exciting, and free, and I love the human race so immensely and find it all so bizarre and wild.

I used to feel like I wanted to be dead.

Now I love being alive. I have little hissy fits and feel like a very normal human being. I share with you the life of regular human.

I see how brilliant you are, even if I don’t know you. I see how brilliant I am, even if I don’t know myself.

Life is very, very good and very, very astonishing.

This is always true.

Join me in Year of Inquiry if you want to see how inquiring affects YOUR particular life (not mine, not anyone else’s).

Inquiry is about answering profound questions, falling into reality at just the right pace and format for you.

A year of inquiring may lead you to some kind of detachment, or love, or awareness where you are nothing like before….

….or it may lead to seeing that, like getting a good night’s sleep, you feel better when you do it, and you keep going (maybe for another year).

Who knows. You get to find out.

“When a superior man hear of the Tao, he immediately begins to embody it. When an average man hears of the Tao, he half believes it, half doubts it. When a foolish man hears of the Tao, he laughs out loud. If he didn’t laugh, it wouldn’t be the Tao.

Thus it is said: The path into the light seems dark, the path forward seems to go back, the direct path seems long, true power seems weak, true purity seems tarnished, true steadfastness seems changeable, true clarity seems obscure, the greatest art seems unsophisticated, the greatest love seems indifferent, the greatest wisdom seems childish.

The Tao is nowhere to be found. Yet it nourishes and completes all things.”

~ Tao Te Ching #41

I have found self-inquiry to be the Tao.

That’s why I’m doing Year of Inquiry. Again.

Much love,

Grace

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Where Two or More Are Gathered…The Power of Self-Inquiry

If you're feeling alone, find group support
Group Inquiry on the phone….may support you taking your thought from suffering to clarity

As Year of Inquiry is winding down for the wonderful inquirers who connected since last September, I’m touched to find out how many are joining again for this upcoming year.

Alumni of YOI also get to come attend the September or May retreats, or both, for as long as I offer them (at a really reasonable–low–fee).

So these 3 day events are like reunions.

I’m getting the same “reunion” type of feeling with all the people who are showing up in Summer Camp For The Mind.

Even if they don’t attend every call, the power of inquiring with a group and getting to hear and know peoples’ important inner work this steadily and this often is simply…..

…..a joy (for me) of unconditional love, clarity, and awareness.

Yesterday a woman raised her hand to inquire into her worksheet, entirely written on the judgments she had about her long-term illness and what she called an eating disorder.

This kind of investigation…..wow.

So let’s say you have a condition you have labeled, and it’s one you don’t like.

Cancer. Poverty. No Living Family. Anxiety. No Home. Bad Thyroid. Overweight. Addicted. Alone.

This can be frightening to look at….

….but it’s the only way I ever have found freedom.

The way into freedom has been to go inside it and look around. To really sit with these “terrible” conditions and look at them more slowly, more deeply.

The woman who brought her illness up said that when she believed her condition was ruining her life, she felt so hopeless. She saw images of herself as a young girl when this condition started. She had images of her future life as a disaster and a mess.

She felt such grief.

Then we got to the fourth question: Who would you be without this thought that the condition is keep you from a better life, another life, another, different you?

She reported that it was difficult to find an answer.

She didn’t know.

Which is where the power of group inquiry comes in. And it’s magnificent.

Other people raised their hands to speak their own answers. They shared their own imagination and pictures, and what it might feel like to be without the belief that a condition is limiting you.

The original inquirer shared how other peoples’ answers expanded her own.

She got it.

She could feel what it could be like if she didn’t believe that her status, her health, her capacity to work (or not work) made her life awful.

I suddenly thought during the inquiry….

….this is how we humans feel, without even realizing it all that often, about the condition of being alive.

Even WITHOUT something called an “illness” or an “ailment”.

Help! I’m alive! Oh no! What do I do now?! I have to do something, right? I have to work, accomplish, achieve, make sense of All This!

It’s like a big scream or like the Tasmanian Devil spinning around saying “Don’t hurt me!” or “This is frightening!” or “I can’t do this!”

About Life.

Who would you be without the belief you aren’t living a good life?

Who would you be without the thought that your physical conditions, or your mental or emotional conditions for that matter, are limiting you and making things TERRIBLE?

What if you were just OK, exactly as you are? Whether you have cancer, or chronic fatigue, or an addictive behavior, or a traumatic history, or negative self-criticism?

Huh.

Really?

No more perfect or better version of me and my life? No “more enlightened” me?

Turning this belief around: This condition (you pick the one you’re looking at, whether an illness, or low-income, or personal trauma) is expanding my life. 

Could that be just as true, or TRUER?

I know, for myself, I can find examples of this turnaround.

My cancer allowed me to see how much my family and former husband cared about me. My eating disorder drove me into questioning the meaning of life. My despair and fear invited me to consult those who had gone before me, like Byron Katie, or my first therapist, or Adyashanti, or Ross, and other incredible humans and teachers.

All the most terrible conditions of life that I’ve ever experienced, actually, all propelled me towards self-inquiry and self-realization and a returning home (underway every day).

All the conditions I disliked the most drew me into that one moment yesterday on the Summer Camp phone call….

….where I got to be with an amazing group of people from many parts of the world who were all being supported by the power of inquiry, together, through the miracle of voices on a thing called a “phone” at the same time.

Undoing stressful thinking. Adding understanding to our world.

Being part of the Peace Movement.

The power of group inquiry is immense, I continue to find, over and over.

When you can’t see it yourself, someone else might.

By listening to other people grapple with questioning their suffering, we all feel inspired.

And who knows what wonderful things can unfold from this new outlook, this new moment.

This is the period of time, right now, where many are deciding if they want to jump in to this next year’s Year of Inquiry program.

Deadline for the early-bird registration is August 15th. We begin on September 8th with our first telesession. Retreats are optional, but fabulous (come if you can, people fly from the east coast, California, midwest, and Canada).

Join me.

Much love,

Grace