I experienced an inner momentary fit, followed by a sense of sadness the other day.
I watched the response clench inside, then release like a puff of smoke rising up and away.
I was listening to a friend share some of her experiences about a topic I’m deeply interested in and have studied for many years, even academically: disordered eating. Eating angst. Eating issues. Eating weirdness. Eating too much. Eating too little. Eating as a spiritual path of healing.
As you probably know by now, the topic of healing addiction and compulsive behavior, especially around food, eating and body image is practically an obsession for me, just like eating once was. (I confess I’m still a bit obsessive perhaps, but obsession to study troubled eating is a thousand times easier than doing troubled eating).
And for me, my eating was a symptom of course of what we talk about here: Stress. Feelings. Unhappiness. Thoughts. Grace (the other kind).
Anyway, I’m talking to this friend, and she’s vulnerably sharing about her experience of feeling not-quite-right with food or weight (yet).
Then she says about an expert in the field….”Well, she’s awake, so I’m listening closely to her and following her work….”
There was more commentary about other “awake” people too. This spiritual teacher is awake. That teacher is not.
Sigh.
The whole who-is-awake and who-is-not awake thing, again.
So what was the trouble for me about this comment?
Because I can’t deny it was trouble. Ugh.
I sat for a moment quietly, long after the conversation was over, to contemplate what felt troubling about this labeling of someone as awake or enlightened.
What’s my objection? What am I afraid of?
What am I thinking and believing here?
First of all, I thought to myself, it automatically means if someone’s awake, that someone else is NOT awake.
The friend who was speaking about awake-ness seems to assume that she herself is not awake. The world is divided into those who are and who are not. Like Sneetches.
But those Not Awake people.
Uh-oh.
I must be one of them. She thinks I am not helpful, or awake enough (or awake at all) to be of assistance, even though, as mentioned, my favorite obsession is self-inquiry and eating peace as a spiritual practice.
(I can hear Popeye’s voice muttering under his breath while making a fist ‘why I oughtta…’).
Is that all this tweak is about? She doesn’t see me as the helpful genius who knows?
Oh man.
People need to think I’m helpful. They need to consult with me on their problems. Especially when it comes to eating.
Suddenly, as I sank into The Work I saw how I’m seen is not only about this eating topic….but in other areas.
I need to be seen as ______ (kind, supportive, smart, funny, awake).
- My sister needs to think I’m supportive about divorce.
- My friend needs to think I’m insightful about alcohol recovery.
- My other friend needs to think I’m on the right path, even if I don’t have the Course in Miracles memorized.
- My mother needs to think I’m welcoming.
- My other friend needs to think I’m good to hang out with when you have cancer.
- My kids need to think I’m the first one to consult if they have a predicament with a friend, or with money, OK with anything.
Crazy.
It’s like the mind has an insisting perspective that I must be seen as “x” in this or that situation (fill in the blank with something good–in this case, “awake”).
Yikes. Kind of embarrassing.
Is it really true that my friend should see me as profoundly helpful and as someone with the answers, or someone “awake”?
No.
Am I sure it’s true that she does NOT see me as helpful?
No.
How do you react when you think this thought that someone needs to see you as helpful, interesting, useful, appealing, attractive, good, enlightened, funny, supportive?
How do you react when you hear that some people are enlightened, and others are not?
I’ve lived many moments in this thought, starting very young. When I’ve believed it, and I’m around other people, I make an effort to behave the most helpful awakened way.
Like Maria in the Sound of Music.
I’m acting. I’m not simply being. I’m not in touch with what naturally arises.
I might even think that what’s arising in me, or in a human who is not “awake” is negative, selfish, boring, serious, or asleep.
I had an insane eating disorder once. Or should I say an insane thinking disorder. I compared myself to images of what was right, perfect and good and tried to be like them, instead of be like myself.
When I believe someone needs to see me as helpful, I take it personally and think I did something “wrong” if they don’t.
So who would you be without this dreadful story of trying so hard to be good, kind, helpful….or even awake? (The new achievement of “there”)?
In the presence of my friend, I’d be actually listening. I might ask her further about what she experiences that feels off. I wouldn’t think her statements or questions or comments about who is or is not awake have to do with me.
Maybe she’s right.
I’d sit with this interesting awake-ness quality so discussed, admired, longed-for, sought-after, wondered about, written about….and feel whatever-it-is present right here, right now.
I’d appreciate the moment, with her comments in it, and my thoughts spinning off for a sec, and noticing the absolute delight of connecting, sharing, being here.
Turning the story around: People do NOT need to think I’m helpful. They do NOT need to consult with me on their problems. (Especially when it comes to eating). My friend does NOT need to see me as “awake”, or relinquish categorizing others as awake or not awake.
Yes. I can find this to be truer. Silence is glorious. The most beautiful feeling is when you find your own answers, not someone else’s answers.
The most brilliant, exciting feeling is when you become aware of how life brings you to conversations with other people, to taking in some kind of sound or words or communication….
…..and then it takes you to conversations with yourself, and then it takes you to no conversation at all, and back again.
The way of it.
Turning the thought around again: I need to think I’m helpful, I need to consult myself on my own problems (especially when it comes to other people connecting with me about theirs). I need to see myself as awake.
This is a most amazing question to ask: Why do I say I am or am not awake, or that other person is or is not awake? How do I know? Where did I get this idea?
Turning the thought around again: I need to think she’s helpful, I need to consult her on my problems or her problems. I need to see her as awake.
“Everyone is enlightened except you.” ~ Byron Katie
LOL. Right!
Isn’t that the best place to be ever? Open like a sponge? Not knowing what’s true? Unconcerned with what happens next? Happy to hear the brilliance of my dear friend?
Everyone having something interesting, fascinating, unique, curious, startling, joyful or hilarious to say…including the one who is dividing the world into awake and not awake. She’s exactly the same as I am. I’m dividing myself into parts, and having objections.
I’m hearing myself–I’m her.
“When one first seeks the truth, one separates oneself from it…..Enlightenment is intimacy with all things.” ~ Dogen
Every word, sound, facial expression, breath, moment, listening, thought, description, story.
Every moment. Ahhhh.
Much love,
Grace