Do you ever want the future to go a certain way?
LOL.
It’s almost considered odd NOT to think the future should go a certain way.
We so think we KNOW what would work best, what success looks like, or surviving well. I might lose what I have, or I might not get something I want.
The other day, my mind had the belief when I woke up in the morning: It would be bad if no one came to my retreats this spring. I need to make announcements about them. I wish there was only one, not two (because there are too many seats to fill). They’re too close together.
I started dreaming of the work I’d do that day before I was even out of bed; posting the events to the free city events page for the general public, submitting to local publications, contacting the workshop postings for mental health practitioners.
And then, I chuckled.
The brilliant question hung in the air like a sweet melody, before I even started in on the tasks I had in mind:
Can I know it’s true not enough people will come to retreat if there are two right in a row? Can I really know it’s better if they’re “full”?
Is this really a scary scenario for me, this picture of “not enough”? Really?
This thought could be a story I’ve told a zillion times in my mind.
Later, soon, in the future….there won’t be enough support, there won’t be enough company, there won’t be enough money, there won’t be enough excitement, there won’t be enough time, there won’t be enough love, there won’t be enough health, there won’t be enough life.
What a nervous wreck to think these thoughts so regularly. The potential for things to go “wrong” always parading around. The desire for things to go “right” (and I know what it looks like) always hanging in the air.
What do you envision as successful in your future? What do you want to make sure NEVER happens?
How do you react when you think there’s a possibility for success or failure, and you want it to go the way you prefer?
I get all narrow-minded on the success track. I believe I ‘have to’ do certain things to make it go in that direction. I believe I’m the one running the show here. I work with urgency, or with a push. I don’t have fun. I’m determined in an intense way. I’m nervous about it going the “bad” way.
Everything becomes Not Fun.
Sometimes, I procrastinate. I think about doing something and say I should be doing it, but it feels so pressured I also rebel against it all, and go to yoga. I listen to youtubes. I watch The Crown on Netflix.
I get pictures in my head of other people thinking I’m a dork when it comes to marketing anything. Inefficient. Lousy at it. The people expecting incoming calls at Breitenbush to be disappointed, because…..crickets.
Who would I be without this stressful story that it would be bad if the two retreats coming up weren’t full?
A weight lifted.
I’d be happy. Today.
I’d notice the calendar has something on it in mid-May, and again in mid-June. I wouldn’t feel resistant to it, or concerned. It would be what it is.
I’d stop acting like I’m God the Dictator and I Know Everything. I’d let out a sigh (and a chuckle) of joy at how sure a thought flames up in a second about what needs to be avoided….but how I’ve also got the amazing and beautiful question “is it true?” (And it’s not even “mine”).
I’d feel the energy running through this very moment of aliveness. Hearing the dryer turn the clothes. See red sleeves near laptop keys. Gazing at wooden bowl next to a box of tissues. Hearing husband’s feet tap tap walking and opening a drawer.
This moment a poetry.
Every possible way the future goes….perfect.
Trusting what is. Letting life do it. Letting God do it (it is already). Noticing all the people already on the list for May. Feeling the happiness and peace whether events are full, or not full, or the worst turnout ever, or the best.
Noticing what is done today and very much enjoying the ride. I could die tomorrow, and what I did today to post information about these retreats would have still been interesting, even fun. Not annoying tasks.
Turning the thought around: It would be fantastic if no one came to my retreats this spring. I do not need to make announcements about them. I wish there was just the number there are (none in this moment as I am alone on my couch). There are not too many seats to fill. These retreats are perfectly spaced.
Turning the thoughts around again: It would be bad if I didn’t come to my own retreats this spring. If I didn’t approach my thinking with The Work. I need to announce my thinking, to expose it and share it with myself. There’s too much thinking to fill (yes, in my head). My thoughts are too close together.
Good heavens. Is it my thinking that’s scary or the actual outcome I’m sure would be a disaster?
Only my thinking.
Can you find good reasons, interesting or helpful or advantageous reasons for it going the “wrong” way in the future, whatever it is you’re worried about?
Hmmm. If I have small retreat sizes, I can eliminate one next year. I can give lovely close attention and more time to each person who attends. I’ll have fewer supplies to put together. I’ll get to experience the joy that’s possible even if only ONE person is joining me in inquiry. If no one came at all, I’d get four days in silent inquiry with myself. I could further develop the curriculum. I’d relax knowing we have plenty of time for each exercise. I’d get to meditate.
“I invite you to look forward to an uncomfortable feeling, find clarity through investigation, and meet your own discomfort with understanding. Orchestrate your own happiness. Why wait for anything or anyone outside you to bring contentment and harmony?” ~ Byron Katie
What a beautiful retreat has arrived, after answering four questions. Like, right now.
Oh. Haha.
Who are you without the belief that something might not go right in the future?
Not believing your thoughts. Orchestrating your own happiness.
Feeling the harmony of what is.
nothing is left undone.