Have you ever bent over backward? Twisted yourself up into a pretzel? Over-extended yourself beyond the distant horizon? Exhausted yourself trying to please?
All in order to help someone else get comfortable, feel joyful, relax, calm down, stop suffering?
Ooooh.
There’s been a wonderful discussion and honest sharing in Year of Inquiry group for awhile about what it’s like to be giving, kind, or caring to someone….out of fear.
What does this look like or mean, exactly?
An example.
I’m reading my son’s email with information about his upcoming graduation from college in a few months. He’s surprised the family by graduation in December, rather than June. I click over to the university calendar and realize, even though it’s months away….it’s the very same weekend I’ve been set to teach a 3 day retreat out of town.
Rats.
I’m in the catalogue. People have signed up. A few are flying on airplanes to get there. I’ve planned my curriculum. Preparations have been underway.
Well, looks like I won’t be at my son’s graduation. So disappointing. My first child, my oldest.
Then, more news, about a month later.
My son’s dad has an illness and it’s progressed to the point he’s entering the hospital….He also can’t attend our son’s graduation.
Oh no!
At this additional news, I know to cancel the retreat so I can go to our son’s graduation ceremony from college.
I could question if it’s really a requirement my son have a parent at his graduation–it is not–but the retreat isn’t even that full, it’s a couple of months before the event, everyone will have enough time to re-plan alternatives.
I’ve never cancelled a retreat before (except for at the very beginning of my “career” offering The Work due to low enrollment, or more like zero enrollment).
Everyone at the retreat center is very kind and understanding. We discuss all the details. I’ll be teaching at the same conference center in the summer, so participants can be offered that one instead, or get a full refund. They’re generous and understanding. I’m relieved.
Until.
I write an email to everyone who had registered to attend.
Someone responds to my email: “We feel screwed.”
They say they’re flying from quite a distance, with non-refundable tickets. They suggest we pay for their plane tickets.
But the tone is what cuts into me–that quick rush of fear and anxiety as I read the words.
Someone is severely unhappy with me, but even worse….considers me to be “screwing” them. Ugh. Awful. I feel sick. My heart beats a little faster.
I can feel inquiry rising behind the anxious energy, sort of following it, like someone calling out in a crowd when the crowd is getting louder and louder.
“Hey! Over here! All is well, remember? Let’s take a look! Don’t jump to conclusions!”
And that voice of sanity is lost in the crowd, somewhere.
I’m forgetting the question “is it true?” It’s fading, as I focus on me-the-one-who-screws-and-disappoints-people.
I kick into gear on fixing it. I write back.
I am sooooooo sorry. I offer to come work with them privately for an evening and all day the following day for no charge. I consider paying for the tickets at what feels like a huge expense for me, so decide against it. I feel like it’s an emergency to get these disappointed people back to feeling good and hopeful.
They are grateful for the alternative private 24 hour retreat for no pay.
I sleep fitfully. I wake up thinking about what a huge hassle it will be to drive 6 hours to the retreat location, privately teach to two people for an evening and all day the next day for no income, and then drive late at night and/or early in the morning for 7.5 hours to my son’s graduation ceremony.
My husband says it’s pretty crazy.
I feel trapped. (Yes, I know–I’m the one who trapped myself).
As mentioned, it’s called twisting yourself into a pretzel to make sure those people aren’t disappointed, don’t consider you a bad person, feel happy about your kindness.
Me. Good Person Central. Right here (pointing to myself with two fingers turned at my own face). This goes on for a couple of days.
THEN I remember.
Wait. I’m in emergency management mode. Identity Management Mode. I should be the One who is GOOD. Not BAD!
Who would I be without this story, that I must be seen as a good, reliable, honest, selfless, helpful, kind, willing, generous, bending, flexible person?
Who would I be without this very painful story of needing to be “good”….in other peoples’ eyes?
But.
You mean….leave those other people with the impression I have screwed them? Not clean it up completely? Don’t they have to like me? Isn’t it horrible if they don’t?
No.
Without this very painful story in my relationships in my life (and in this one, in this situation), I would be so much more free to move where I needed to move, make honest decisions, follow the simple directions, and never worry or lose any sleep over what someone else thought of me. I wouldn’t over-give. I wouldn’t sacrifice.
I would stay in my own integrity. I would save a lot of time. I wouldn’t start promising things I didn’t mean, or weren’t really able to do, or weren’t actually interested in.
I’d be more direct, less careful.
Turning the thought around: It is not horrible if someone thinks I screwed them. It is OK if someone doesn’t like me, or considers me to be unreliable, or disappointing. Or doesn’t like something I do, or change, or give.
Could this be just as true?
Phew.
I suddenly realize I’m engaged in that Ego Maintenance Program, again. Trying so very hard to do it the “right” way. Not trusting the process. Not allowing Reality to handle this situation.
How is it just as true, or even truer, that someone thinks poorly of me?
I have no idea what’s in their better interest, or what they need. As a very wise mentor said to me, people get exactly what they need. Trust and let go.
Turning it around again: it is horrible if I think I screwed someone, or I did it wrong.
True. I just about had a heart attack because I agreed I was the one who did it badly, made a mistake, hurt someone, didn’t measure up. It didn’t work out so well for me, and ultimately not for them, either.
A final turnaround: it’s horrible if I think THEY screwed me, they did it wrong, they over-reacted.
So true. I reacted with great seriousness, I joined right in to the story of needing to help them and fix their upset, caring deeply about someone’s opinion, getting into their business, believing in their desperation.
There was no one home. Everyone in that scenario (in my head) was believing the world was disappointing, that the world is not a friendly place in that particular story.
A story in which Reality is a place where you have to do things you don’t want to do in order to keep peace. You have to go through pain and suffering in order to find solutions. You get tricked or mistaken and it’s hard. You don’t get what you really want or need, or someone else doesn’t. You can do it wrong and hurt other people.
Wow.
What a dreadful story to believe.
And all that really happened was: people expressed in writing how much they cared, how much they loved. They were honest and passionate. They were so kind as to share with me how they were feeling and to ask for what they wanted, speak what they were looking for, be REAL (unlike me, in that situation).
They were showing me what I needed to take in, deeply and simply.
“I don’t know what’s best for me or you or the world. I don’t try to impose my will on you or on anyone else. I don’t want to change you or improve you or convert you or help you or heal you. I just welcome things as they come and go. That’s true love. The best way of leading people is to let them find their own way.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is
I don’t want to convert anyone into loving, appreciating or approving of me. I don’t want to help or change or improve anyone else.
Those dear people-who-didn’t-attend-the-canceled-retreat let me find the way to this gentler reality. Brilliant teachers. Honestly themselves. Showing me what I am not responsible for, and what they are equally not responsible for.
The way the story continued?
My husband made a few calls to management of the airlines, waited on hold, gave medical information about the father of my son, and arranged for full credit for the airfare with no penalty for the people.
The graduation was beautiful.
And I learned how I am not required to fret, worry, change, bend over backwards, say yes when it’s a sacrifice, twist myself, over-extend, give too much….
….to be safe from the terrible risk of being considered a bad person…..by me.
Not possible.
And if I think it is…..The Work.
Much love,
Grace