Last Tuesday when Year of Inquiry met to question thoughts together in the morning via teleconference….a very interesting thought appeared for investigation.
Our topic this month is Authority.
Power, control, being bossed, trying to boss yourself, getting manipulated, having concern with who or what is in charge.
People once again had really profound and varied worksheets.
One wonderful inquirer had a few thoughts about Society and how controlling it is about sexuality.
He should, she should, they should….
There were different aspects of thought around relationship on her worksheet, but here’s the thought that rose to the surface, that felt very painful and nerve-racking:
Men leave women who don’t want to “x”.
I’m making sure this note is rated G.
You get the idea though. Someone leaves if someone else doesn’t do what they want.
What a frightening and controlling thought.
If I do it, I feel like a slave. If I don’t do it, I’m abandoned. Rats. No win.
This kind of dynamic can happen in all kinds of relationships. On the job between boss and employee, or between parents and children, or between friends, or neighbors.
Pretty much between any two people. Period.
If I don’t do what that person wants, I will be abandoned. If they don’t do what I want, I will abandon them!
Dang! Wait a Second! This is true!
I’ve been ditched and I’ve done the ditching a bunch of times because what was wanted by someone…..didn’t happen!
Are you sure that’s true?
Yes. Ask anyone.
When people’s relationships end and someone gets left, it’s because one person wasn’t getting what they wanted from the other person.
Are you completely sure of this?
No.
How do you react when you believe people get left when someone doesn’t get what they want?
Sigh. It’s hard.
Lots of examining relationships, to make sure I’m doing OK, make sure I’m giving enough, being a good friend, a good partner, a good sibling, a good earner, a good pleaser, a good daughter, a good teacher, a good student, a good worker, a good mother, a good granddaughter, a good neighbor, a good citizen.
Anything. But. Abandonment.
But who would you be without that thought?
Without the belief that being left had something to do with you? That you can prevent leaving from occurring? That your leaving had something to do with them? Or that you know what’s best for everyone involved?
Woah.
If I don’t do what I want, I will be abandoned–by myself!
Sooooo True!
And let’s face it, we feel awful when we abandon ourselves.
Someone in our inquiry group said “No one ever talks about this!”
I thought….everyone here is connecting, sharing very honestly, doing the work on a belief about something extremely intimate, and sometimes troubling or off, sometimes incredibly beautiful.
We were all whatever the opposite is of abandoned, in that time of working together….
….set free.
Just like all honest conversations.
Grace