For the month of February inside Year of Inquiry our topic is Relationships.
Relationships of any kind.
Now, I’m aware that this is a huge wide range of choices for relationship when they are any kind. But inside, you usually know which ones to investigate.
Anyone who’s disturbed you. Anyone who’s bothered you. Anyone who you feel less than peaceful when you think of them.
You might be thinking “Where do I even begin? There are so many people who’ve bugged me!”
You might also be thinking, like so many people do, that you already know it’s all about you and not the other people, so you just want to focus on YOUR inadequacies and imperfections.
The thing is, focusing on you is still joining in on the belief that there’s a problem. You’re assuming there’s a problem in the first place, right?
Someone’s doing it wrong…let’s fix it!
The other day as we began the Year of Inquiry presentation we always start with every month, like a little mini workshop on the topic, I drew a lot of information from Byron Katie’s book “I Need Your Love–Is That True?”
Especially about the concept of “needing”, having needs, receiving what you need, or getting your needs met, as we say these days.
That’s a simple place to start. You might ask yourself the question “in what situation, with whom, did I not get my needs met?”
Hmmm.
Images float through the mind of moments. Moments where I believed I didn’t have love, support, care, attention, safety.
Yeah. Remember that time one of your supposed best friends stabbed you in the back and reported you to the authorities for entirely false reasons? Remember that love interest who acted like a stalker and freaked out? Remember that relative who quit communicating? Remember when that stranger stole your luggage? Remember when your dad died? Remember when you were abandoned?
Stories flash through. Sometimes we find proof that we didn’t have what we needed waaaaay back. It started young.
But can you absolutely know it’s true?
Rats. No. I’m here now, breathing, alive, having a pretty spectacular life honestly.
It can’t be absolute that I didn’t get what I needed.
Otherwise, I wouldn’t even be here. (And that’s not even true that if I wasn’t here, it means I didn’t get my needs met–we all seem to perish or transform into whatever’s next. It’s called dying. Everyone gets to do it.)
How do you react when you believe you weren’t supported, loved, honored…that you didn’t get what you needed?
I shake my fist at the sky! I shout “Bloody Hell!” with a gruff look at an imaginary God who is supposedly looking down. Resentful. Tense.
Who would you be without your belief that you didn’t get what you needed?
Huh? But….
Really wondering who I’d be without believing this story of having needed something and missed it….
….a softness is here. A recognition that who I am without my desperate, sure, anxious, victim-minded thinking, is relaxation. Being. Just here.
No need for it to feel ecstatic, loving, thrilling or “good” or pleasurable.
Here. Just here. Natural.
Noticing all is very, very well and I’m temporarily in this life showing up as this right now, and all the things I’ve ever thought that happened that were BAD about relationships are over.
Noticing I have no idea what is needed and what isn’t…and when I DO think I know, I’m often wrong.
Noticing how liberating it is to Not Know what’s best for anyone or for me.
“The alternative is to expect reality NOT to follow your plan. You realize that you have no idea what’s going to happen next. That way, you’re pleasantly surprised when things seem to be going your way, and you’re pleasantly surprised when they don’t. In the second case, you may not have seen what the new possibilities are yet, but life quickly reveals them….a life beyond your schemes and expectations.” ~ Byron Katie
Turning my thoughts around: I’ve always had just what I needed. Every one of those people has supported me in getting exactly what I needed. My thinking didn’t give me what I needed.
Wow.
How could these be just as true, or truer?
When I didn’t get what I hoped for or expected, I had to reset, to regroup, to learn, to ask for help, to give up. My sense of “me” and my grabbiness was crushed. I woke up (sometimes it felt like a slap in the face awakening–but apparently that was required).
I found my self-sufficiency that had nothing to do with having a mind or having a thought. Magic happened. Loss turned into transformation. I became aware of what I truly value–and it wasn’t other people providing my needs.
In every situation where someone was less or different than what I expected, I can ponder what was supportive about that experience.
You can too.
~ Tao Te Ching #13 Translated by Stephen Mitchell
Those relationship moments that hurt?
I can practice having faith in how they went. I can find examples of how they helped me grow, what they revealed.
I’m not sure what the ultimate outcome will be, but it sure is more fun than thinking I didn’t get what I needed.
What could be more exciting, heart-breaking and joyful than thinking I got just what I needed in every moment for my entire life….and everything’s OK, even when it isn’t (according to my plans)?
Can you feel it?
Much love,
Grace