A client said to me yesterday, rolling her eyes….
….”this time of year, everyone’s assessing and thinking about their goals and year-end reflections and resolutions. Ugh.”
I could tell she was irritated at some of the ideas in her mind.
Goals.
What does the word conjure in your mind?
Many of us have completely thrown away all planning, striving for goals, setting goals, dreaming of some achievement out there in the future somewhere….
….and still….
….thoughts arise with scenes of what could be, what I might walk towards (even if I’m not running anymore), what I’d prefer, a hope for that wonderful vision to become realized.
When you have a dream of where you’d like to go or what you hope to achieve, do you feel stress? Does it make you want to roll your eyes?
I remember having goals in my past.
Long ago, when I was in my later teens and throughout my twenties, if you asked me at any time, in almost any situation, any moment of day, in the company of absolutely anyone (although I might not speak it out loud)….
….what my greatest dream, hope, goal, or longing was….
….I would say “to stop being crazy with food”.
Well, OK, honestly at age 14 (when I went on my first diet) my dream was to be thin. I wanted to be skinny and svelte. THEN after several years of that, I only dreamed of stopping the war with eating.
Be thin. Never overeat. Get control of the wild appetite.
As I grew older, the vision was not so much to be skinny, but to feel relaxed with food….although I would say it always included Not Craving, not obsessing, not thinking or re-thinking what I ate or would later eat.
Then being thin and ending obsession with food faded away (with deep help from therapists, groups, and clarity with emotions and relationships and no longer trying to be skinny all the time)….
….and instead I really wanted to be happy with money.
I wanted to feel like there was enough, I was satisfied and cared for, safe and secure.
Then….I wanted a mate, a close companion, a partner in life to live with and share adventures with.
And then….yet another vision to “work” towards.
Enlightenment.
For some reason, even though it’s so human, I feel a little embarrassed to speak of these goals, visions, dreams or hopes.
They aren’t very unique.
It seems like everyone wants these things in this culture I live in.
Here is so….scary, sad, disappointing, or boring.
Over there is better. In the future.
Is that true?
Oh surely, if I had 10 million dollars I’d be excited and happy. Wealth. Perfect health. Love.
Although…can I really absolutely know I’d be happy in every way, for the rest of my life, and never worry again if I had these things?
No.
Who are you when you believe reaching that goal (you know the one) would mean you could feel happy?
Constantly pushing, reaching, grabbing, wanting, and waiting to be happy….later.
Who would I be without the belief I need to earn double my income this upcoming year? Or lose 30 pounds? Or get married? Or get divorced? Or live in a different town? Or win the Olympic Gold medal? Or resolve that relationship. Or have a mind-blowing self-realization?
Right here now, without any thought that something needs to happen later, in the future, in order for you to be happy?
I notice it doesn’t mean I don’t naturally move in the direction of a vision, or an accomplishment….
….but there’s no stress.
It’s a weird paradoxical thing.
I don’t need anything to change right now, I don’t need this other condition this instant.
If that other state was not required for happiness (thinness, money, pain-free, health like x, partner like y, mind like z) what would THIS moment be like, right now?
Interesting. Strange. Wonderful. Amazing. Taking everything in. Noticing. Being here. No matter what the outside circumstances or condition.
How bizarre this is, to have it be OK to be the way it really is, right now.
So for example, with the endless goal I lived with for years (thinness, absence of eating battles) without the belief I needed to be thinner in order to be happy, I would have been brought to the present moment.
Sometimes the present moment required eating, sometimes it did not. Happy either way. Happy with the Way of It.
“The mark of a moderate human is freedom from his own ideas. Tolerant like the sky, all-pervading like sunlight, firm like a mountain, supple like a tree in the wind, he has no destination in view and makes use of anything life happens to bring his way. Nothing is impossible for him.” ~ Tao Te Ching #59
Ahhhhhh.
A way to be with all situations, even this thing called envisioning “goals”.
Turning it around: it is not necessary, that way of being or thing or condition I must have, in order to be happy. It is not necessary to be thin to be happy. It is not necessary to be rich to be happy. It is not necessary to have a relationship to be happy. It is not necessary to be self-realized to be happy.
Not having anything be necessary for happiness IS self-realization.
Oh!
Ha ha.
Much love,
Grace