Tag: more

More time, more time, I need more time, more time, more more time time time, more time….

…oh, I almost didn’t see you there.

I was busy collating handouts for the upcoming retreat, facilitating the Year of Inquiry session, buying gluten-free cinnamon cookies and sesame crackers, apples and raw nuts, collecting together pens and clipboards, bringing the cleaning service in for deep cleaning, vacuuming and dusting myself, working with clients, doing a load of laundry, meeting with my co-trainer for a November class for Institute for The Work, spending an hour on the new Eating Peace Process curriculum, and setting up chairs for an eating peace meetup.

All while hearing the voice within occasionally say…er, I mean shout…

…you NEED MORE TIME!

It seems true.

Right at the moment I realized I had a second meet-up scheduled in one week, this one on eating peace, I thought “why did I do that, right before the retreat??!!”

Before people arrived, I was thinking “boy, what I could do with two extra hours right now.”

The quest or demand for more time shows up in so many places:

Something needs to be found, completed, accomplished, done, over, satisfied, obtained, gained, finished.

That’s why I need more time.

Here’s a fabulous question, I first heard from Byron Katie, that really puts this whole “needing more time” thing in the front and center, with a big spotlight shining on it:

What would I have, if I had that thing “done” or “accomplished”?

What would I have, if I had more of this thing called “time”?

Or if everything, absolutely everything, was now handled, completed, tasks finished?

The answer my mind comes up with?

Freedom. Free do to ANYTHING I choose. Free to continue on to the next thing. Free to try something new. Free to Not Work. Free to experience MORE.

Hmmm.

Do I really need more time, in order to experience freedom? Is it true I need to experience MORE? More life, more days, more doing things I like, more pleasure, more happiness, more enlightenment, more awareness, more goodness, more love, more adventure?

Do I really need “more”?

Phew. Haha. Seems rather funny in this moment. And it’s a big inquiry. A very repeated overarching idea.

Let’s look.

I need “more” time than I have right now.

Is it true?

No.

How could I possibly know this to be true?

I’m not even sure why I want “more”! I notice there’s flow, there’s something happening, I call it time, I decide I need more of it, I’m trying to control my day, my pace, my process, my life, my happiness and believing it’s possible through MORE of something that apparently isn’t here in this moment.

Not exactly stress-free, to have this idea that MORE is needed, of anything….including time.

When I have the thought, I see pictures and images haunting me of what’s in store for the future. Unfinished tasks. Unaccomplished dreams. A life cut short.

I’m threatening myself with the need for “more” of this thing called time. I’m demanding, expecting, hoping for LOTS of it.

With the belief, I feel like I’m leaning forward, running forward, sometimes like there’s a headwind pushing against me. Like I have someone screaming in the future, way on the horizon, for me to go faster, more efficiently, quicker, and not give up!

Such a stressful project, idea, desire, vision.

Who would I be without this belief? Without this thought that I need more time, more, more, more time?

Standing here now, with limited days. No idea how many, but clearly they are limited.

Knowing there’s an end to this life as I know it, and it’s absolutely OK. It’s the way of it.

Without this belief rolling through the mind, could I open up to the idea that this moment is precious, sweet, enough. Nothing more required. No future day needed.

It doesn’t mean I stop doing anything. I notice I’m writing this. Fingers are tapping on a keyboard. I pause and gaze out the window to stare at morning dew on green grass for a moment.

I notice a clock here in the room, and awareness of my calendar for the day which is very full, and the next four days blocked off for retreat with people coming.

Without the thought I need more time, this moment feels like a joyful one. Enough.

We’ll all die at some point. I’ll be gone from this body, this life, this construct at some point.

Without the thought “I need more time” I notice such beauty of the room I’m in at this moment, faces of the people I love floating through my mind, visions of the people traveling today to come to retreat who I get to meet for the first time, a journey underway….

….but THIS moment now is full of silence and the refrigerator humming very softly.

Enough, enough, enough.

Shhhhhhh.

Hush, quiet, thrill, joy, peace.

Gratitude I have this moment. I could be gone in an hour, for all I know (and I love that I have no idea). Wondrous world, unfolding in yet another day I get to experience, another morning blossoming.

Without the thought, I notice the sweet evening last night that accomplished absolutely nothing for the retreat beginning tomorrow (apparently), but the joy of connecting with people who came to learn how to do The Work when it comes to compulsive behavior. I got to deeply listen, hear their words, hear their questions. I forgot all about how long the to-do list was. Nothing on that list required.

Turning the thought around: I do NOT need more time. I need less time. My thinking needs more time. I need more of myself, in this moment.

Ooooh, here I am giving time to my thinking, writing this Grace Note, questioning thoughts of “more”. Here I am feeling this moment, now, and opening up to the idea that it’s plenty, it’s enough, it’s genius.

I do not need more time to finish anything, write that book, find love, sort out that uncomfortable relationship, experience, get enlightened, live.

All those things are happening right now. Right now.

“Everything that seems permanent is in truth impermanent and will be smashed….Right now, in this very moment, you stand on sacred and holy ground, for that which will be lost has not yet been lost, and realizing this simple thing is the key to unspeakable joy….Everything is present.” ~ Jeff Foster in The Deepest Acceptance