Has someone ever given you advice you didn’t ask for?
There they go, on and on telling you about their lawyer, or their vitamin plan, their stress-reduction method of inquiry (LOL), their daily exercise routine.
Recently, an inquirer told me she received the advice, for the umpteenth time….”why don’t you just stop thinking about it?!” when telling someone about her thoughts.
Well, she did say it was yet another MAN giving her advice to stop thinking about it.
So maybe a few thoughts about men and what they in particular have to say to her about “thinking”.
But let’s look at advice.
The kind where someone is making suggestions, giving you ideas, offering solutions to the problem, saying “try this!” or saying “just stop!” or getting out a piece of paper to write some important items down….
….and all you really wanted was a listener.
He shouldn’t say that. He should stop giving advice. He should listen, without problem-solving. In fact, he should stop talking. I’m outta here!
Is it true he shouldn’t be like that?
Yes! I was already annoyed, wanting to talk about a few things and shake it out a little, and he had to start asserting his opinion! So flippant! Just telling me to STOP worrying about the thing I’m worrying about? Jeez, I wish I thoughta that, what a genius!
Oh. You asked a question?
Can you absolutely know that it’s true, he shouldn’t say those words? Act like that? Be that way?
No.
I can’t find that I absolutely 100% know it’s true. He’s saying words, based on his point of view. He can say whatever he wants. I really don’t know he shouldn’t say what he says. I’m not a dictator of his words. Heh heh.
So how do you react when you think someone shouldn’t say what they say? When they already said it?
It’s like a volcanic tantrum. Anger. Fury. Cut-off. Disconnect.
Some people yell back, immediately (maybe on the inside)! How dare you say that to me!?! Who do you think you are?
But who would you be if you couldn’t think the thought, like if it couldn’t even go through your mind, that someone shouldn’t say what they said.
Because first of all, it happened. They said it.
Like so many of the events and situations that happened that we still think about and replay in our heads, and really didn’t like….
….they happened.
Now, they’re over.
So without the thought they shouldn’t have said what they did say, I notice the silence, the emptiness in that moment. I notice the words floated from that mouth into my ear, and that’s all that happened.
I love how Byron Katie once gave an example of her former husband Paul yelling at her, swearing and cussing and upset with a red face, and she listened and heard his words and asked herself silently….”yes, where the hell DO I think I’m going?” and noticed she had no idea, and that maybe it was a valid question.
Why don’t you just stop thinking about it?
Hmmm. Good question. I’ve been wondering the very same thing! For about 40 years!
Without the thought he shouldn’t say what he said, I’d have a genuine sense of humor, not that poking, mean kind. I’d hear the question, or the words, and really hear them, without offense.
I’d notice he’s trying to help, or stop my anxiety, or stop his anxiety.
I wouldn’t have to defend myself or take it personally.
Turning it around: he should say that to me. I shouldn’t say it to him (the stuff in my head I’ve been saying every since he said it). I shouldn’t say this to myself!
Ooooh, I shouldn’t say to myself “Why don’t I just stop thinking about it” (whatever IT is)?
I shouldn’t beat myself into a pulp for….thinking.
Because instead, I can notice how amazing, brilliant, prolific, wild, chaotic, exciting, crazy my thoughts are….
….and how wonderful it has become to question them! I should keep on thinking and thinking! Until I don’t!
What an amazing puzzle, a sweet adventure, a mind-blowing experience to have THOUGHT these thoughts, and yes, notice how painful many of the stories are….
….but then to open up to a new world, through The Work.
A world where I love my thinking, even if it’s very childish, even if it’s impossible (like believing someone shouldn’t have said something they ALREADY said). A world where I get really smart messages I apparently needed to hear in a different voice besides my own.
“One of the things that I understood about the thoughts appearing inside me was that I was someone to be trusted with them. I was the vessel that they could appear in and finally be met with unconditional love. The same thoughts also came to me through my children [and others]. I treated them as what they were: visiting friends, neighbors I had misunderstood, who were kind enough to knock on m door again. Everyone is welcome here.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is
Much love,
Grace